I'm 24 now and since hitting puberty I've been extremely depressed.
I will have good, enjoyable days here and there, but as a rule at least once a week (usually 2-3 days/week) I'm overtaken by a burning desire to kill myself. I've written countless suicide notes, spent so much time reading about different methods and planning out how to kill myself, and bought materials to do so in the past. I made 2 attempts at 17 and 19 and if it wasn't for someone finding me passed out and calling an ambulance at 19 I would now be dead.
Right now the only thing keeping me alive is that I'm scared if I actually did kill myself I'd go to hell.
I've had different medicines in the past and several different doctors. It never did any good, and currently I can't even think about trying to afford that.
It's been like this since I was very young, early high school or middle school even and I can't even remember what it was like to not feel this way. Constant cycles of "I'll be dead soon anyway" have made it impossible for me to put any effort into anything so I'm at a dead end job with no friendship or family connection which only makes me lonelier and more depressed.
I've spent my entire life wanting to die for no reason and I just really don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I may make another legitimate attempt before the year is out
There's always hope, man. Please don't give up, death isn't something you can take back.
Hey anon.
27, here. I broke around 12. So what, it's been 15 years like this? Everything I try, fails. And everyone around me somehow feels distant. It gets tiring. Living is exhausting when you have a mask that everyone is used to. I kinda understand clowns now.
It never actually gets better, but it does get less worse. I been seeing a therapist for about a few months now. Really don't see how it helps, but if anything it's nice to talk shit out with another human.
My weeks are somewhat similar, about 5 meh/bad days for every 2 okay ones. The moment I get a taste of happiness it's gone, since I question if it was even real happiness or just residual from the "happy mask".
I almost shot myself with my own rifle when I was overseas, but hilariously enough there was a click, but no pop.
I still want to die, I want the ride to end. I have wanted it for years, but i keep trudging on. Be it that I'm a coward to force death, or just that people will oddly miss me, I linger on.
Funny, since I can't seem to understand what others see in me. I have friends, that for some reason enjoy my company. Family, that loves me for reasons. Even a girlfriend, who is love with me to an almost creepy level. Yet, all these people I feel little connection to. In a way, I mean something to someone I guess.
It never really gets better, but strangely I stay alive hoping that I will at least get to know what happiness is again. I want to smile again, a genuine one, that isn't immediately clouded by the thoughts of falsehood or a facade.
May you will end it, maybe you won't. Either way, it doesn't get better. The best you can do it make things less worse.
>>17142307
that just makes me feel worse
>>17142330
Yeah, I figured.
Things can get worse. Really there's nothing anyone can tell you besides get help.
If anything, learn to appreciate the little victories you have.
For me, I have the occasional drive home. I'm stuck in traffic, there's a vehicle on fire, I'm tired from working the night shift, yet in that moment, things could be worse.
It's an odd feeling when you give up.
Depression sucks. In all honesty, I envy those that feel sadness. I'm apathetic to almost everything. Very few things make me feel true human emotions.
Still, giving up about caring is what got me here. It's a blank state friend. Where you acknowledge the depression, and in a strange way just live with it.
Sure some days I have the thoughts pop back into my mind. Of how easy I could kill myself. But I have gone full circle. To the point that even those negative voices have negative voices ripping on them. When even I think of suicide there's a voice that laughs back sayong "why the fuck even try, you're not going to do it, fuck right on with your shitty life."
I think it's more that I have accepted life and death. I'll die eventually. When the reaper comes knocking at my door, I'll walk with him. Until then, I'm not going out of my to invite him here.
>>17142181
Yes there's hope.
>>17142376
when though I feel like I'm wasting time waiting to be happy but it will never come
I cried last night it's like fuck me can I just be dead
just think before you do shit
