tl;dr: Is it worth leaving someone for one major thing, when the relationship is otherwise perfect?
We've been together since August 2014. I'm 22, he's 27. When we met, I was in the middle of my apprenticeship and working to solidify myself in my career. I'm highly ambitious, planning to work my way up the corporate ladder. I'm now stable in my job, furthering my education, looking for every way I can to improve myself. Meanwhile, boyfriend is currently unhappy with his career, hesitant to make any kind of changes, seems to be almost happy wallowing in his misery. Does admit to having issues with depression, and did bring some baggage from his last relationship. Not very ambitious himself.
Otherwise, our relationship is wonderful. He's super supportive of my ambitious nature: hangs out at the office when I work late, brings me dinner, takes care of the dogs, cleans the house, basically treats me like a queen. He encourages me to achieve, and takes pride in me. Our sense of humor is the same, we get along well, our friends all get along well, and so on. We've had a few bumps along the way, but nothing most normal couple's don't go through. I appreciate him immensely, and love him to death. We've very much talked in depth about spending our lives together, what we both want in the future, etc.
However, the more I advance personally, the more I feel like I'm outgrowing him. It's bothering me that I'm not with someone who aims for the stars. I crave that "power couple" status. I want to feel like my partner is keeping up with me. He and I have discussed this; his response is essentially "I understand why you feel that way, and I'll try to do better, but I can't control you and wouldn't blame/hate you for leaving me." Admittedly, I don't myself have a ton of experience dating prior to him. I'm inclined, therefore, to think this is a "grass is greener" type scenario, and don't want to jump to anything rash.
Any advice? Thoughts? Suggestions?
You're a woman, so naturally there is almost no way you can be happy or attracted to a man of lower social status than you. There are of course exceptions to this tendency, but you do not seem to be one of them. You seen to be very interested in playing the status game and he does not.
If you're not familiar with the term "hypergamy" look it up. I'm not going to call you a terrible person like other anons will, because you earn your own money, but I think you and your boyfriends values fundamentally do not align. For some couples this dynamic works, for others it does not. Maybe have a serious talk with your boyfriend.
Myself, I also have trouble with motivation and depression. I think it had a lot to do with childhood conditioning. Pic related, but I'm trying to work on it,
>>17135031
Wow, you're kind of a bitch. Seems like nothing would make you happy. I'd suggest you die alone at this point.
>>17135066
I never white knight, but I also try not to tip my fedora, and you're tipping right now. I think OP is being rational and mature. She can't help her feelings, and she has brought them up to be openly discussed rather than being passive aggressive. And on top of that she even conceded that this is probably a "grass is greener" scenario. Not sure why you're so butthurt laddy.
Her boyfriend is essentially atrophied from a female perspectve, it would essentially be like dating a fit girl who got fat. Maybe you could live with it, but maybe you could do better
>>17135031
You want better things and more importantly, you want a better man.
It's okay, it's perfectly normal.
My advice is, let him go. Maybe you're the one for him, but he's not the one for you. Spare him any pain in the future and part ways amicably now.
This is what best for him. And he deserves this much.
>>17135077
No, I'd be a robot. Learn your terms my friend. And no, I really wasn't being one. But you're definitely being a white knight given the circumstances.
The problem with the power couple dynamic is that you always compete with each other and you'll reset him for when you have a child and feel obligated to raise it as a housewife.
Then there's the problem of the man making less than the woman being emasculating for a man.
Finally you have the idea that a high earning man wants a high earning woman, when really he just wants a young loyal woman who stays out of his way. There are exceptions, but most of those routes lead to some sort of degeneracy (cheating generally).
>>17135031
i dated a girl like you once, 5-6 years ago
she left me because she felt i was "going nowhere" and "had no ambition"
i currently make way more money than any one person needs to
funny how these things work out
>>17135031
You come off as a cold manipulative bitch. Honestly, I think he would be better off without your negative influence.
Tl;dr version
>>I found a guy who loves me and does everything in his power to support me. I don't acknowledge that his support is largely the reason for my success because I'm a special snowflake who won't share credit for MY achievements.
>>This guy is not as successful as me (because he's funneled so much energy into me) and I'm desperate for the cock of any guy who doesn't give two shits and will leach off me until we both spiral out of control.
>>should I give up a sure and amazing love for the unknown and probably harmful?
I think if you could live with leaving him, maybe you guys shouldn't be together. I don't mean live with leaving him for his sake, I mean live with it as in get on with your life.
It's not healthy to dwell on something like a failed relationship if you didn't want it to end, but people do get sad at times like that, and so if you wouldn't feel like that, then I think maybe you don't want to be with him. That's fine, but with the state he's in, I don't think he'll last very long depending on the type of person he is.
>>17135031
If you decide it really really bothers you that much the issue between both of you is too big for your relationship to work out in the long run.
I just want to remind you that NOBODY is perfect. Not you, not him, not any partner you may or may not have in future (Yes the grass always seems to be greener on the other side). Your decision should really depend on whether you can look past the imperfections of your partner THE REST OF YOUR LIVES or not.
>>17135031
It almost seems like five years seem too big of a age gap in your case. I think some more close to your age would probably be a better fit.
>>17135031
>everything else is perfect
So you're gonna give up the relationship because one small aspect is out of place? Because you 'crave' status?
>I'mma get rid of my loving boyfriend because I'm vain
is all that says.
>>17135114
What do you work as?
>>17135031
You got a good one but have no context to realize your luck.
I think you are simply naive and have a lot to learn. The "power couple" status is just an illusion and it is not nearly as glamorous as it is perceived. You simply don't have your priorities in order and need to be hit with an awful reality to put you in check (e.g. being with a shitty guy, being passed over at work or laid off, etc). Once you figure out what is important to you, life will become much simpler.
I want to say stay with him. But I think you will always have this doubt in the back of your head. So I think you should leave him, get to know yourself by dating other guys, potentially realize your horrible mistake, but eventually grow as a person and keep moving forward.
Also, I would bet that he would step up his game if it were necessary to support you or something. Like if you got sick or whatever.
Maybe you just feel like you never got a chance to take a big dick pounding and are going through a bit of a midlife crisis.
I don't know. Just try to figure out what you want.
>>17135248
Assistant Manager at a Bank of America
>>17135264
a big dick pounding and are going through a bit of a midlife crisis.
This, OP. I'm Tyrone. If you ever wanna try something, let me know.
Dump him. A loser will only drag you down.
>>17135248
my occupation is not relevant to the point i was trying to make
>>17135031
Your relationship is the new norm OP.
WE'VE DONE IT BOYS. WE HAVE TRUE EQUALITY.
But really, many men are just settling for whatever they can do comfortably while their wives advance in the corporate world.
>>17135031
You sound like my girl. He'd be happier without you but more prosperous with you. Sucks to be him. I am him.
>>17135031
OP, I had a girlfriend similar to you
>>i was 26
>>she was 23.
>>similar relationship to yours.
She thought the grass would be greener on the other side,
>>fast forward 6 years
-she's a fat single mother
-moved back in with her parents
-i completed a IT Engineering degree and make big money
She kept pestering me back then about small things, like me not having a car etc.
Moral of the story is: success is a marathon, not a sprint. Help your man with the marathon, it's worth it
>>17135031
There is no telling.
I think it's true that you have no context to understand what value your partner gives you now. I also think that when people start to achieve stuff, it bigs up their heads and makes them feel better than others. In a lot of people's heads, they are the greatest catch and anyone would be lucky to have them - but then, they will also be quick to tell you everyone else's flaws and why nobody was good enough for them.
Suppose you meet Mr high flying guy. He's always going somewhere and doesn't have time for slackers. Suppose he feels like you're behind him. People like that tend to be very competitive, and they tend to compare themselves to others and be sensitive to shortcomings and weaknesses. You might think that's your ideal partner and maybe you're right. Or you could be wrong, and you could be stuck with someone who amplifies your "performance anxiety", to put it one way.
You've got somebody that is really good to you and loves you in spite of your flaws. That is harder to find than you think. I've given up women like that before and I kick myself in the ass for it when I realize how foolish I was. YMMV.
I will reason towards keeping what you have.
First of all, codominance seems to be an illusion, most of the time, someone has to make the decisions in one field and the other person has to accept these decisions. Power couple would mean two egocentric people, which will at some point lead to a "House of cards" kind of relationship, where at some point one person will realise, that they are beeing used more than they make use of the other, and this leads to break ups.
Second of all, the most successfull model for raising kids in most countries is the workaholic + family oriented couple, if you both want an efficient family sometimes, you now have the perfect partner for this.
Third of all, men arent trained as much to fight, as women are. men dont have to strugle as hard against the opinions of others and they like working together. There are very few men, that are hard programmed to aim for leadership and most who are, are shitty leaders, who will not get far.
If you dont believe my word, believe warren buffet: "Only buy a stock, where the pros outnumber the cons at least 2 : 1" i think that applies to your situation.
I mean you will always keep your eyes open and you might have a few years, to find the perfect one, but I wouldnt count on it, remember by the time you are 30 you will not have the same amount of options, and you might not be able to find a stable relationship to form a family ontop.
>>17135031
Your boyfriend has "not-give-a-fuck-itis".
I know myself because I have been suffering from it from birth.
I actually own a business and make over $50k a year. But in terms of my attitude and my aspirations, I really don't care THAT much. My expression and attitude is consistently like a pothead, even though I don't smoke pot. Like if I'm eating caviar, or eating Ramen I don't give a fuck. If I'm in a $100k home or a $5mil mansion I really don't care either way.
I'm not gonna live on the streets, but aiming for the stars means nothing to me, impressing people means nothing to me. Social comparison is meaningless.
So I understand your BF's perspective. His attitude is never gonna change, and in my case, mine will never change either. I suspect he has the same demeanor that I do.
I don't think this part of him will ever change. So if this is a big problem for you, you may want to walk, cause he ain't changin. But let me make this very very very very clear: those type A dreamseeker guys usually treat their women like trophies and not people, so you are not gonna get anything close to the intimate treatment you are getting now. You will give up some things to take on a driven goal oriented guy.
>>17135031
>Our relationship is wonderful. He basically treats me like a queen.
This relationship seems awfully one-sided. You think it's because he lacks ambition, but maybe it's because you're not putting the same level of effort he is into the relationship. Shouldn't you be more supportive of him considering he's at a rough point right now?
