Never thought i would come here….but i need advice from my fellow normans and neckbeards.
So my wife and i got married last april…she has demonstrated nothing but utter distrust for me over the last 5 months.
My friends own a vape shop (i know i know, kill ourselves) and It's been my main hang-out and my main source of IRL social interaction and entertainment and became the hub of my social life. The Owners and employees would also come to my house frequently to hang out and work on small projects with me.
A young girl entered our friends circle.
One day she asked me over facebook if i could give her a ride, and I didn't think to mention that i was giving her a ride to the shop. My wife knew who she was, and even ate dinner with her at our Christmas party, and to top it off i was literally driving her one mile away from her house to a public area. I figured i was just being friendly and courteous nor did i go out of my way to hide this from my wife
Apparently, this was wrong of me to do. And now (5 months after the fact) it is her main excuse for not wanting me to hang out at my friends shop, or go off to do anything by myself.
Now, i am no longer allowed to hang out at my friends shop for longer than an hour or invite them over when she is either home or at work.
(I hit the character limit, there is more in the replies)
I Always have to make sure that she is "ok" with me doing these things. If i do otherwise, she treats me like shit and curses me out for not being at home and comes up with all sorts of excuses to demand my presence at home. Even with her "Approval" she still makes excuses and blows small problems out of proportion in order to get me to come home.
I've been asking her for months now to go to couples counseling with me, but she refuses.
Her overall excuse was that i didn't care about her feelings when i gave that girl a ride so it's OK for her to treat me like i am fucking 13.
But at the same time, i didn't care about her feelings because she was accusing me of a rather heinous (IMO) act without proof or evidence.
I'm prepared to show my therapist our text messages on my phones. I KNOW i am not perfect, and that part of the blame does rest on me.
That said. How do i save my marriage guys?
I feel so cheap and used right now.
Stop being her bitch man
You can do whatever you want and she cant boss you around
Marriage too soon. Had trust issues while walking down aisle. Unresolved. Will not improve without major work. Also passive aggressive dis associative tendencies. Did not address problem she had promptly. Only months later
And it isn't just limited to when i go to my friends shop. It's whenever i am grocery shopping or doing ANYTHING.
When i do go out with her, she is constantly rushing us, as if there is something important going on at home ( there usually isn't) and we will melt by midnight.
How long was courting
>>17134070
This is pretty dead on. She has some severe psychological issues ( her dad raped her from when she was an infant til she was 3, mom abandoned her) and she didn't get proper treatment for it until this year. She is on prozac, and it has made her a lot better, but she is still pretty fucked up and has no trust in me.
>>17134081
We dated for a year. I would drive up to virginia to meet up and stay with her ( i live in SC) I spent a few weeks there every other month. Things were fine for the most part.
>current year
>getting married
Yeah, I doubt you can salvage this shit. She's acting like a cunt and I don't think you can do anything about it. So what keeps you in this relationship? It sounds to me like she's making you miserable, not happy. Just get a divorce and remember not to jump into marriage so fast next time. I know it sounds like a big step and all that, but if you're not happy with it it's the right thing to do. If this goes on a break-up is inevitable and you will just make each other miserable and waste your youths in the meantime.
You can try couples therapy first, but that usually doesn't do anything. Her behavior is a symptom of a bigger issue, the kind of issue that's very hard to fix, even if she is willing.
>>17134102
I'm not ready to throw in the towel this early in the game. I developed conservative values after watching my own parents just crash and burn and give themselves over to their vices and selfishness.
If something is broke, you try to fix it or rebuild it...but then again, some things are broken beyond repair, and will never be the same once they are fixed.
Too high expectation on your part for her to be ok now. Major trauma suffered.
You knew past already. Share responsibility for moving to fast for her and not seeing truth of her damage level
Expect to spend two or three times the amount of time to work on your relationship issues as normal.
Decide soon if worth it. Don't delay
Clean your room and then ask her if you can stay longer next time.
>>17134118
>If something is broke, you try to fix it or rebuild it
This doesn't work with humans and relationships. Fixing these things is close to impossible and when it is possible it's usually not worth it. There are thousands of women around you that aren't broken, why try to fix a broken one when you can just throw it away and pick something that works?
It's your life, do whatever feels right for you. I'm just saying that, chances are, you'll be much happier in the long run if you broke up with her and looked for someone else.
>>17134124
But i don't have very high expectations to begin with. And i had no clue her trust issues were this bad. For all intents and purposes, she seemed like she genuinely trusted me up until recently.
I had faith in her i guess..
>>17134137
Wat?
we share the same room.
>>17134094
You've been cucked by her own father? LOL
>>17134197
/Pol/ Pls.
>>17134197
>You've been cucked by her own father? LOL
>>17134140
Naive, then.
If knew about trauma, did not understand possible ramifications. Ignorance not defense.
Can still have faith, but she is emotionally handicapped.
Handicapped people can do most thing do, just take longer.
She will be the same, everything will take longer.
Decide soon if this hard work is what you want
>no trust in you
That's just a ploy to manipulate you into willingly giving up your freedom to be her little cuck. The other girl is just a convenient excuse to hide behind.
Tell her to fuck off, you go where you want. Problem solved.
>>17134058
>I've been asking her for months now to go to couples counseling with me, but she refuses.
You made the decision to marry a woman with several untreated psychological problems.
This is the bed you have made and you are now being forced to sleep on it. Its almost unfair of you to be shocked and frustrated by this because you knew she was severely disturbed when you first got together. You knew exactly what you were getting into so I'm confused where your shock and frustration is coming from.
>I've been asking her for months now to go to couples counseling with me, but she refuses.
So she doesn't want any help. Either power through this and hope it gets better or leave her. Like I said, you chose this. This situation is a culmination of your own conscious choices.
Now, if you want anything to change, you have to make another series of choices. She isn't capable of understanding logic or any expectation of emotional reasonableness because she is, for lack of a better term, bat shit crazy.
You married crazy, so either stick with her and insist she get help or leave before you spent the next 10-20 years of your life taking care of an abusive, unstable woman.
Your choice.
>>17134226
>That's just a ploy to manipulate you into willingly giving up your freedom to be her little cuck. The other girl is just a convenient excuse to hide behind.
/r9k/ b8. this girl was raped and abused as a child. i'm thinking that has more to do with her behavior than your theory that she's just a manipulative bitch.
>>17134220
Maybe, Anon. Maybe.
I don't like letting go of people or giving up on them. She isn't cheating on me or hitting me.
>>17134237
>buh ahm a victim
It's way too late to address it now. Should've been done way before marriage, way before he even met her. That may be the cause but in the end it is to manipulate OP. The way it's headed OP will just end up being her little cuckboi and she will still be the same old bitch.
>>17134197
Sorry op, but I lol'd.
As to your problem, do what you want. Hang out with your friends, that's perfectly reasonable. Tell her she can come to, she can call you, she can even read your messages etc, but you're gonna do what you want.
That is what I would do. Be who you want, do what you want, but show her clearly you have nothing to hide.
>>17134231
"You knew exactly what you were getting into so I'm confused where your shock and frustration is coming from."
I didn't know her trust issues were this bad. I knew her depression was. I get your point here, nor do i wholly disagree, but you need to understand i genuinely thought she was healthy enough to handle a real relationship like this. Obviously i was wrong on many levels.
I don't disagree with you on a fundamental level though. The genesis of my problems lies solely in my choices.
Try to understand why your wife is like this. She is insecure about herself. Perhaps she feels like every other girl is much more likely to get your attention then her. Perhaps she feels low in her self-image and is afraid you will leave her for anyone else.
That being said, its not good to feel this way.
The first thing to do is to tell her how you feel about all of this. Tell her you feel like a baby. That it ruins your trust and confidence having to tell her everything, that you feel trapped. You have to tell her all of this. Try not to attack her, but really just explain how troubled you are by her actions.
If your marriage is worth saving, she will try to change herself, meet you halfway or at least try to understand you.
We can tell you so much stuff on the internet, but in reality you'll never know what her side is or what her reaction to your troubles are unless you talk to her. I'm here if you need more support.
>>17134264
And if she leaves you over this then you were simply not suited to each other. Problem solved.
>>17134058
Anon, good for you for trying to get your wife to couples therapy to work things out. And kudos for recognizing the situation for what it is - getting married too early, realizing that her overreaction is about her past trauma and life.
There are always multiple sides of the story. Perhaps your wife feels like she was disrespected when you gave this young (presumably attractive) girl a ride.
Did she seem jealous of her at your Christmas party? Has she ever acted this way about another female, or is this the first one that has made her feel threatened? There may be some element to her being jealous if you were enjoying the attention that this pretty young thing was giving you. (You state that you didn't do anything wrong, but that's not really the point when it comes to your wife's feelings... perhaps she saw a change in your demeanor or saw the way you look at her that didn't notice). Anyway, that's beside the point.
The point is that you and your wife need to come to a common understanding about why you got married. Did you guys celebrate a 1 year anniversary? Do you still love each other? Are you still in love with each other?
Marriage isn't about owning your spouse. It means you're working together as a team to solve issues to you as a couple, not trying to control each other's behaviors. Your wife needs to believe that. I suggest you tell her that you love her (assuming you do), and that you're sorry that you hurt her feelings - that it was never your intent to do that, so hopefully she can accept that giving that girl a ride was completely harmless in your eyes. But more importantly, that you're not OK with her controlling you or distrusting every action you take. Because every time she does that, she's putting you down and falsely accusing you to be someone you're not. And that is not love.
tl;dr: get to therapy, or keep talking about it until she's willing to work through the issue. If not, you'll leave or cheat on her eventually.
>Perhaps your wife feels like she was disrespected when you gave this young (presumably attractive) girl a ride.
She did. But she knows i don't like younger girls to begin with. I'm not attracted to women younger than 30-40 DESU.
>Did she seem jealous of her at your Christmas party? Has she ever acted this way about another female, or is this the first one that has made her feel threatened?
No. in fact most of my attention was focused on other people. We spent maybe 3 minutes actually talking to eachother, and even then it was just simple bullshit. This is the first time she freaked out like this about me giving a woman a ride somewhere. She was never like this with my other friends.
>>17134264
It's OK. I would probably LOL too, especially at the vape shop part.
>Her overall excuse was that i didn't care about her feelings when i gave that girl a ride so it's OK for her to treat me like i am fucking 13.
She's right. You're dumb.
>>17134344
Are you going to elaborate on your blatant insult so it can at least be justified, or are you going to be a petulant ass?
>>17134266
>but you need to understand i genuinely thought she was healthy enough to handle a real relationship like this. Obviously i was wrong on many levels.
Bingo. How you didn't realize that is beyond me. No one gets raped, abused and abandoned by their parents growing up, gets no treatment and then is healthy enough to handle a real relationship. That's a very very foolish thing to think.
>>17134251
>That may be the cause but in the end it is to manipulate OP.
Just because the manifestation of her disorders are negative does not mean you're logical or justified for brushing off the cause of it.
>The way it's headed OP will just end up being her little cuckboi and she will still be the same old bitch.
Opinion disregarded. I'm not using the 4chan "cuck" meme to talk about real people with real emotional issues. Life is not a fucking meme.
I'm in no way excusing her behavior, I'm merely expressing the fact that the poster who said that OP is being cucked by his wife's dad is a really really fucked up way of brushing off the fact that she was raped and abused as a child.
That's a fucking terrible, life changing thing to happen to a child, dude. She is absolutely a victim. I'm not saying OP should forgive her or even stick around and let her continue to abuse him but like I said, its a super easy to brush someone off and call them a manipulative bitch. Its a much harder thing to help someone you love through a very hard time in their life, even when they hurt you.
Its the same reason people stick by their alcoholic friends/family.
Whether OP is ready, I don't know, but resenting her, belittling and berating her is not the answer to the problem, no matter how awful she is behaving.
If everyone without a mental illness was unable to hold themselves to a higher standard than those with mental illnesses no one would ever get better. The world would just be full of people like you, minimizing emotional trauma because its convenient for your ego.
>>17134312
I see. Well, her reaction does appear to be just a reflection of her own insecurities and past trauma rather than something you might be unaware of.
I stand behind my previous comments. Assuming you still love her (which I believe), you need to tell her that if she really loves you, she'll understand that you never meant to hurt her feelings, and that you think it would be good to work through this issue as a team. Clearly something makes her feel threatened, and nothing you say will change her mind. But a healthy marriage has no room for the kind of control and distrust that she's exerting in your relationship. Good luck, OP.
>>17134379
You didn't understand it when it happened, you didn't understand it when your wife clearly told you, you're not going to understand it now from a stranger.
>>17134058
Lmao OP, I have a feeling you know the answer to this one - either she's a crazy bitch and she has been all along, or there's something you did wrong you're not telling us
>>17134423
Fair enoug of an evaluation. I do genuinely appreciate your evaluation friend.
>>17134094
>>17134058
Having been through this with my marriage I can promise you, this is a power struggle thing regardless of her past issues. But it's low level and incredibly easy to defeat.
She sees you as someone that other women want and for some reason doesn't have confidence in her ability to keep you. So her answer is to try and limit your exposure to other women.
Simply ignore her emotion and stand by your logic. Tell her you are tired of her controlling ways. Remind her that you have never did anything to compromise her trust. Let her know that you are going to continue to hang out with your friends, male and female. And she can just deal with it or you will leave. You let her hang out her male friends so there should be no problem with the reverse.
You have the balls OP. Use them. She might put up a fight initially but she will accept it and respect you eventually. A man willing to walk away from a relationship is powerful to women. Use it. As my favorite relationship advisor always says, "Always be willing to talk the L."
>>17134576
As an old married femanon, I agree. I had severe insecurity issues in my early twenties. Met my boyfriend (future husband) and that kind of jealousy shit did not fly with him. He was kind and loving about it, but firm. I couldn't bear the thought of driving this amazing man away. And you know what? I sucked it up and swallowed my insecurity. And now that I'm old as fuck, I look back and think what a stupid child I was. I'm so glad he gave me a chance to grow up and out of my insecurity.
>>17134524
This reeks of false dichotomy.
>>17134508
So what you are saying is that i didn't understand her feelings in all this ? That i am an idiot because she told what her problem was?
You are going to have to be more specific instead of going full-fedora with vague statements about my persons and intelligence, supplemented with an out of context quote.
>>17134058
Don't ever let a woman dictate your life. Your life your decisions. You need her to understand that, of course she may be upset but seems like an overreaction. Just as you don't want her to control your life don't control hers either.
GL op
>>17134609
>>17134576
>>17134423
>>17134264
>>17134231
>>17134275
>>17134220
Thank you guys. This was hands down the most constructive criticism and advice offered.
Some of it was harsh, but at least it was fair and honest.
>>17134058
she thinks her friend is attractive and doesnt really like her and doesnt want you near her.
>>17134063
youre being inconsiderate and she thinks you only get to drive her around.
>>17134058
obviously you're not in the wrong if you're not actually macking on this girl and she is being paranoid
go to marriage counseling so she can learn some trusting strategies senpai
dump the control freak.
>>17134576
>>17134609
This is the kind of shit that makes me feel like marriage is worth it, to be honest.
>>17135996
Such a beautiful picture. No creep.
I don't think it's got anything to do with trust issues or passive-aggression or whatever the fuck else everyone else is talking about.
Stop trying to make this an issue about her personality and insisting on couples counselling as a way to get a third party to basically agree to your version of events comes across to her as railroading her. Why the fuck are you trying to show text messages between her and you to the therapist? If you want someone to listen to you and be on your side, then seek therapy on your own.
Her discomfort about your lifestyle in general (apparently the majority of your social life revolve around this fucking vape shop) and having the gall to invite a random woman to Christmas dinner only to shove it in your wife's face and go "BUT YOU KNEW HER I EVEN BROUGHT HER TO XMAS DINNER" is pretty fucking immature.
She wants you to get better friends than the fucking vape shop. She doesn't want you bringing random girls from said vape shop into fucking Christmas dinner and giving them free rides.
If this is something you feel that you need to somehow make her go counselling over or say MY MARRIAGE IS AT STAKE over, that's more of an issue on your part than her part.
Just get her present so she can devote all her attention to the child.
Then get a second phone and start banging that young girl in the back of your car on your lunch break at work.
Everyone is happy, everyone wins.
>>17134058
Well,you can either be her bitch or hand her half your stuff.Good luck.
give her her fair share (at least 50% if your assets and incomes) do a 180, look at the ground, and slowly walk away
>>17136227
>>17136131
Legit, are you guys advocating divorce because his wife doesn't want him hanging around at a vape shop and bringing random chicks home for christmas dinner?
>>17136230
sure
>>17134070
>MARRIAGE BOT ONLINE BLEEP BLORP
>>17134118
Anon, you don't have kids. Bail now before you do, it makes a separation 1000000x more complicated.
>married a crazy woman in the current year
wew
That being said there was some good stuff in this thread. Mainly you just have to stand up to yourself and establish what is right and wrong to do.
>>17134068
/thread
discard other answers if you are a man
>>17134058
WELL, dont be any more of a douche and impregnate her only to be abused for the rest of life.
Be a man and tell her what to think!
