Gf is sad
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
Something happened a few nights ago while she was working that she doesn't want to talk about because it makes her cry every time.
I asked her once a few days ago and she said that it's best that we don't talk for a day because she "might take this out on me". It's been a few days and no word. I texted her once to say she should look to seeing a psychologist and that I know a good one (other shits been happening and she's upset a lot) but she didn't respond to that either.
This is the fourth day, I live a ways away so if I want to see her she has to want to see me too. I don't know what to do or how to cope with this, help /adv/ please
She cheated on you
>>17129106
I don't think it's that although I thought it might've been. She's a virgin and legitimately scared of sex and the most she's ever done has been with me (I fingered her and ate her out), I don't think it's that
You should leave her alone for a while. She's trying to protect you from herself. Just send her one message saying you'll let her have her space but that you're there for her if she needs anything, but be loving and supportive.
I went through this myself, she'll come back when she'll feel better.
>>17129112
I know "confessing oneself" is a very Western thing.
But what if, instead of keep asking her, you simply tell her that you will support her no.matter what. Tell her she doesn't need to tell you anything, but also tell her that you are worried about her wellbeing, and this is why you asked. But if she doesn't want to talk she doesn't have to.
>>17129115
I hope you're right. Just a few minutes ago I sent her something saying "I hope you slept alright" because she was having trouble before which I now regret but what's done is done.
>>17129118
Do you think she cheated on me as well?
>>17129103
>she "might take this out on me"
Would you be okay with that, if it'd help her get whatever it is out of her system? Would you be able to assure her it's okay in the ensuing guilt?
I'm not saying to let her give you the chair, I'm just floating it as an option. Could be a colossal disaster though depending on what kind of people you both are.
I'm just someone who's pretty easy going about someone taking their day out on me, secure that it's nothing to do with me, so that'd probably be my go-to assuming it wouldn't cause her a guilt spiral.
Failing that, all I can think is to just give her space and let her know you're there if she needs you.
>>17129115
but this sucks so much
if you have problems you should be able to say something
being direct is much better than saying nothing and expecting people will figure it out
>>17129112
>She's a virgin
Not anymore she's not.
>>17129124
Obviously
>>17129124
Frankly, I don't know.
It wasn't the first thing that crossed my mind.
The first thing that crossed my mind was that someone harassed her on the job or groped her or something nasty.
So my first instinct was to worry something bad happened to her.
But the other anon flipped the other side of the coin and hypothesized it.may have been her who misbehaved (towards you).
I have no idea.
Culture is a barrier. I come from a European shithole and sometimes I find Anglophones quite unpredictable.
I also think we have to factor age. Are we talking teenagers or grown-ups? Such a reaction from my former 30 y.o. gf might have meant everything but cheating. Usually she wanted to complain about work but ended up getting angry at me. Simple in fact, but hard to tell.
>>17129128
I can deal with it a little (for the past few weeks she's been dealing with her depressed friend which has lead to her being pretty cold and distant to me) but if it goes too far I'm not going to take it very well.
She also said she hates to cry and when she talks about it she cries which is why she doesn't want to
>>17129130
>if you have problems you should be able to say something
You sound like my fucking mother who always insisted I 'opened my heart' to her and told everything that worried me.
That bullshit made me grow up as if I had no privacy.
Who the fuck said that she *should* tell things?
She has the right to get things off her chest when she feels like it and with whoever she feels comfortable with. It needn't be you and you must not demand it of her.
>>17129138
That was the first thing that crossed my mind too. She was talking before about these two old arab men that keep hitting on her that she told to fuck off but maybe since her coworker resigned she was alone? I feel sick
>>17129138
>The first thing that crossed my mind was that someone harassed her on the job or groped her or something nasty.
>So my first instinct was to worry something bad happened to her.
Different anon, but that's my instinct too.
The comment about being worried about taking it out on OP, doesn't seem like cheating. If she cheated, she's kinda already taken something out on him. Sounds like she's upset about something that has nothing to do with him and feels like it's unfair to drag him into it.
Then again, if she did cheat and feels guilty, I guess that comment could be more along the lines of "I might blame you as if you drove me to it".
But I dunno, gut says it's more complicated than that, if she has other psych and sexual issues.
>>17129139
>She also said she hates to cry and when she talks about it she cries which is why she doesn't want to
Okay so why don't you respect her choices?
Just because it doesn't suit your imaginary stereotype of the gf that tells you everything it doesn't mean you are a cuck.
Only thing is: respect her silence but please make sure she knows that if something bad happened to her (e.g. rape, bullism, harassment) there are people who may help without the stigma.
>>17129139
>She also said she hates to cry and when she talks about it she cries which is why she doesn't want to
Could she text/email it to you, just so you have the info if she's comfortable with you knowing it so long as she doesn't have to go through the mess of explaining it personally?
>>17129146
>these two old arab men
Is this bait?
>>17129150
She hasn't talked to me in days. I'm doing everything but disrespecting her choices, and that's why I'm sitting here on/adv/ trying to get help on how to handle
>>17129130
Not all my problems need to be shared.
Plus, some things are better left unsaid.
>>17129121
It's fine and that was considerate of you. Just let her know tomorrow that you will be there for her, or what this anon said >>17129128 and let her take it out on you.
But, OP, have you checked if the friend didn't kill herself?
>>17129145
People in a relationship choose each other. OP has a right to seek an open and honest relationship. If she's not into that, she's not obligated to stay with him.
Don't derail this by making it all about your personal pet peeve. OP is not obligated to morph his relationship to her/your expectations any more than she is.
>>17129154
We talk through text and facetime when we can because we live about 50Km away and are in school. She told me this stuff when she was texting me.
>>17129145
you have a bf/gf
"i did something but i wont tell you what" or "something bad happened and i wont talk to about it"
you dont have to say a thing but for a relationship to be built on trust and all of that you should be able to trust the person and say at least something so the other person doesn't have to worry too much
look at the fucking time we live in, the first thing that pops into your minds is that she's cheating so yeah radio silence does not help anyone
>>17129160
Friend didn't, she's liking shit on Instagram and all that.
>>17129170
Oh, ok.
>>17129155
I fucking wish
>>17129179
Look, it might be anything from offensive sleazy comments ti gang rape.
>>17129182
Yeah I get it, but because I don't know what happened all sorts of things are going through my head.
>>17129124
Everyone's going to say she cheated on you because they're a bunch of neet virgin cucks. She could have gotten harassed on her way back from work or it could be something completely non-sexual. Do like that other person said and tell her you'll support her and that she doesn't have to tell you what's going on.
>>17129168
>you dont have to say a thing but for a relationship to be built on trust and all of that you should be able to trust the person and say at least something so the other person doesn't have to worry too much
>look at the fucking time we live in, the first thing that pops into your minds is that she's cheating so yeah radio silence does not help anyone
I call this bullshit. What you are describing is not a healthy relationship but codependence.
If she goes like:
>something bad happened to me but I don't wanna talk about that
What you do is:
>hug her
>tell it's okay and support her
>tell her it is okay to talk to you if she feels like it
>tell her it is also okay to keep it from you if she doesn't feel like it
>tell her that if something threatening happened to her, it is important to take action asap for her own sake
>take care of her
Full. Fucking. Stop.
Instead of doing these basic things, you whine about:
>omg why don't you tell me this
>omg it is all about trust. If you don't talk to me about that it means you don't trust me
>omg try to go and see a therapist for my own peace of mind.
Anon. Please. It is about her. Don't make it sound as if this is about you. Because that's how you sound to me.
Of course I understand your worries. You are beset by doubt. But please be patient and do the above things. You will see things improving.
>>17129162
>OP has a right to seek an open and honest relationship. If she's not into that, she's not obligated to stay with him.
And that's exactly what she's doing by not contacting him.
>>17129190
Don't put this on her right now, but once everything's said and done, I strongly advise you to let her know how hard this radio silence has been on you. It's not cool for her to just say "something happened but I won't say what" and leave you to go crazy for days. She could at least rule a few things out ("it has nothing to do with our relationship").
But like I said, don't put that on her right now. It's part of the problem but for all you know she's going through something massive and you'd just be unreasonably stressing her out. Or maybe she just got a fucking bee sting and you're the one who's hard done by.
The not knowing is fucking crazy making, it's not cool.
>>17129196
I'd fucking laugh if after all this guilting shit it turns out she just cheated on him.
>>17129196
oh now i see it i didnt mean it like that
i was there a few times with my ex who was lets say bullied and harassed a few times
i did like you said and it was fine but i still think that dropping a bomb and then putting a person on radio silence is stupid
see
>>17129201
and
>>17129202
if you need a week or a few days k just say so but its not cool just ignoring a person for unknown reasons if you're together
>>17129213
I'm not ruling out the possibility.
But given it can be really anything, he has to do some damage control first.
So let's say she hasn't answered in a week. Very well.
He said he'll respect her silence.
He said he feels uneasy about her not making contact at all etc.
So I guess a compromise would be to ask her friend:
>"Hey Mary, sorry to disturb you but Stacey wrote me she was worried about something and then I haven't heard from her in 10 days. I don't wanna put pressure or something, but can you please tell me if she's doing alright? She doesn't answer me, but maybe if you ask she will answer you. I really wish nothing bad happened to her, but I have no means to be sure about her well-being".
Of course my greentext is verbose. But I hope you get the zest.
>>17129196
That's because they were thinking of themselves, not the other person.
>>17129217
>i did like you said and it was fine but i still think that dropping a bomb and then putting a person on radio silence is stupid
So next stage is this >>17129226
A.k.a. write to a friend of hers and ask to be reassured about her wellbeing.
> Hi Rhonda, Brooke hasn't made contact with me in a week. Can you tell me if she's alright. I don't wanna put pressure on her but am a bit worried.
>>17129232
jumping through hoops just to see if your gf is fine?
you could also say thats a bit stalkerish too
but for real now she could have at least say something or tell him she's okay and needs a few days
>>17129232
Why are you just repeating exactly what was just said?
>>17129247
>you could also say thats a bit stalkerish too
Aw for fucks sake... "stalkerish" depends on a zillion of variables.
It all depends on who your friends in common are, how long you've been with her, etc.
E.g. if you have been together for 4-12 months and she suddnely stops making contact after administering you with a worrisome but empty text message, asking a friend is not stalkerish. Just a tactful way to get yourself peace of mind without breaching her silence wall.
For fucks sake but of course you are all high schoolers so you are obsessed with thinkint about what she might think if she thinks what you're thinking as you think it.
Now ask yourself: is it better to dwell in paranoia or to tactfully stop worrying without interfering with her choice?
It is stalkerish only if you use a stalkerish tone when you do things. Just take it easy.
>>17129258
Because greentext is fun.
Because I am 33% of the posts in this thread so I am entitled to repeat myself without worrying about copyright.
>>17129232
>>17129226
If she's not telling her boyfriend about what happened, going behind her back and talking to a friend about it is way over the line. For all anyone knows, this friend has no clue and the gf's been very careful to act like everything's fine so as not to have anyone pestering her about how she is.
If OP contacts a clueless friend, odds are that friend will immediately go "hey OP's GF, are you okay? He said something was wrong, what's wrong, tell me."
And now OP's GF doesn't have the luxury of long distance to get away from that shit.
This is as far away from 'giving her space' as you can get short of showing up unannounced on her doorstep.
>>17129275
Samefagging here because god damn, I just can't emphasise enough how absolutely horrified and pissed I would be if someone did this to me and called it 'respecting my space', I mean holy shit.
UPDATE
>>17129275
>If OP contacts a clueless friend, odds are that friend will immediately go "hey OP's GF, are you okay? He said something was wrong, what's wrong, tell me."
That's why I said: it depends whom you ask.
E.g. I have friends who would 190% get what I mean if I ask them to check for me without alerting her.
But given you all fags are probably from English speaking countries, I give you the benefit of the doubt because I met a lot of Anglophones who have the bad habit of saying they understood what you want them to do and then act exactly the opposite.
So,assuming you have a bro who can check on her without alerting her, the thing can be done.
As I said: tactfully.
Don't ask girls. Ask a bro. Girls fuck up and end up telling her you asked. Bros are safe (unless they're cucking you of course... hehe).
>>17129292
I bet a pint she cheated.
What's up with all the secrecy.
Well, at least she's alive. That's a thing for sure.
>>17129292
Oof.
Looks like you're in it for the long haul, OP. Nothing to do but wait it out.
Just try to put it out of your mind, I guess. Accept that it's out of your hands for now and that there's nothing productive to be found in dwelling on it.
>>17129303
>Well, at least she's alive. That's a thing for sure.
Not necessarily, it's just a text, a murderer could have sent that easily.
if she wants to break up or something she should just suck it up and stop torturing OP
if she does that shes a bitch
>>17129312
I see a man in my window wearing her face as a mask? What do guys
I'm all pins and needles and I don't even know the girl.
Whatever it turns out to be, let us know OP would ya? If it's something legit, that's all you gotta say, but if it's something stupid or cunty you gotta fill us in! You know, so we can be there for you and stuff. (And soak up dat drama.)
>>17129333
I definitely will, it might be a while (god I hope not though) but I'll definitely put up a thread if this 404s talking about what happened. Suspense is a bitch
>>17129327
Kek. But tonight I'll pull the curtains down just in case.
Thanks everyone in general it's been a little calming to talk about this shit, really grateful
May kek continue to bless 4chan, but protect /adv/ from the copypasta
>>17129339
Let's agree on a thread title so we can look it up in thr archive.
>>17129344
This place is great for being able express shit you're not really allowed to talk about. I feel for you op, godspeed.
>>17129345
How do you look at the archive or whatever?
I'm bad at names, call it whatever
>>17129292
Told you.
>>17129369
Told me what?
The first person you go to when something bad happens is your partner.
You don't distance yourself unless she cheated or was raped. Shes not acting like she got raped so....
Yea.
>>17129351
"Okay I get that you want some space and you want me to respect and I'm going to do that but you need to respect that I'm sitting here in the dark not even knowing what is even going on. I have no idea what even happened, so I'm stuck feeling anxious and worried as all sorts of things go through my head and it's not fair on me to be constantly worried about you in fear that something horrible or unspeakable happened to you.
You don't want to talk about it, and I'm not going to pressure you into it. If any of this comes out as if I am, that's not what I'm meaning. I'm just going to say that you need to understand that this hurts me too. I care about you too much to be able to just put it in the back of my mind and wait some unknown amount of time"
Should I send this?
>>17129292
I remember you, I think.
"If space is really what you need, I'll respect that. I'm here for you no matter what, and I want to help, even if that just means listening to you vent. I'm here when you need me, and I'll step back if that's what you need.
But I have something I need too: I need to understand. My girlfriend, who I love, is suffering, and I don't know why. I don't even know if she's all right, or if we're all right. And because of that, whatever's hurting you is hurting me too. That's not your fault, and I certainly wouldn't dream of saying my pain is greater than yours, but it's just as real. If you can't tell me everything, I'll respect that, but I need something. Anything.
I've said my peace. I'll step back now. You know how to reach me."
Say something along those lines, and then step back.
I hate to bring up this possibility, but there is a small but nonzero chance that she is trying to ghost you. If you haven't heard back in a week, ask a mutual friend if she's all right. This is NOT advice I normally give to people who are being ghosted: in fact, it's pretty much the worst thing a person being ghosted can do under ordinary circumstances. But this is a very unusual case, with a very real chance that something else is going on, and that changes the rules a little.
>>17129547
Tbh op you gotta chill.
Me and ex did this and when you just leave her alone and do you for a bit she'll open up. I don't think she cheated on you though.
Girls just have this fuck me and get emotional for no reason. You can't force it, just lay low. If she did something she'll tell you.
>>17129547
"There's "in the dark" and there is the way you're treating me"
Is what you say. There is a difference between needing space and completely fucking ignoring your partner after saying "something bad happened".
That's just a bitchy thing to do.
>>17129547
I dunno man, I'd probably try to chill and leave her alone for now, and deal with this issue once you're no longer going in blind.
