Hey guys I'm in a serious emotional rut in my life. I'm a terrible communicator so bear with me.
It all started with me meeting this amazing girl who came to be my girlfriend. We'll call her Kiki. The day i met her, and I swear to this, was the greatest day of my life. The day a few days after, when we established ourselves as in a relationship was even better. I loved absolutely everything. I swear on my life she was absolutely perfect in every concievable way. Before her, I had never come close to anyone. I could never ever feel a connection with anyone and I had never been in a relationship before. I had a bestfriend once who abandoned me and went down a dark path and became garbage. But before her, I never truly felt alive or like I was a human enjoying life with everyone else. When I met her, everything was perfect. We looked alike, we had the same music interests, we even found out that we both wore the same pair of black skinny jeans everyday without washing them almost ever. She was great and I loved absolutely every single second I spent with her. The only thing I didn't like we're thoughts of her and who she'd been with in the past. Jealousy stuff. But other than that, we had the most amazing relationship and no two people could have ever been more in love and happy to know eachother than we were.
But then a few months passed and I noticed a change in myself. I began to become more lazy romantically, I started to gain weight, and jealousy and obsessions over her past starter to intensify. I became a lot meaner and inconsiderate. And I started remembering lies which started weighing down my conscious and ruining my time with her. I bc and more irritable. I kept asking questions about the past and I couldn't stop. The arguments got more heated and heated and it was not only that, it was me for some reason not being able to control my emotions or impulses and getting obscenely upset over stuff that I never would have.
My anxieties about wondering if I had lied to her about other things started to take a toll on me. The past had started eating away at me. I was always an extremely depressed person, but before the shift, around her I was always happy and positive. I started to get emotionally abusive. Saying horrible things that I didn't mean but for some reason I couldn't control. It was like someone injected me with PCP and I just went on rampages. Things like seeing her with a picture of her and her ex-boyfriend. That would send me into this psychotic fit of rage and I would try and convince her she was ugly but apologize either once I calmed down (which always followed exteme guilt, emotional numbness, and tiredness) or if she started to defend herself which would take me outside of my person and I would become aware of how pathetic and childish what I was doing. I made sure she knew I didn't mean it and she told me she loved me and that she forgave me and that she would wait for me to get better. It progressed until it was everyday. My mind running wild with thoughts instantly going for the worst place. Every day would end up with her in tears and me apologizing and saying I was gonna get better but I couldn't. Don't get me wrong, I was a good boyfriend. I wrote her an album about how wonderful she was, wrote letters about her, and wrote her millions of paragraphs about how wonderful she was. I made sure everyone on earth knew how happy I was that I even knew her.
Her friends, who used to all be in love with me because I used to be an extremely popular, positive and fun guy, ended up getting involved and they would end up hating me and tell her I wasn't good for her. I was immature and thought to myself "fuck them, they're stupid they don't understand our love." I was blind to the fact that I had completely changed since our relationship had been as nice as it was. This went on for months until the day we were supposed to go to prom. An argument about her lying to me about getting drunk and her not wanting to cut off a friend who tried to kill himself for her to be in a relationship with him resulted in some very psychotic shit happening. We ended up going to prom after it all and it was kinda bad. But the next day I went to Atlanta and she kept saying she wanted to break up because she had fucked up so bad. I got back and kept trying to see her and tried for two weeks straight to get back together and she kept saying "I need space" but i knew she was going to just try and get out of the relationship before I could improve. But then the pain of her leaving me matured me. It made me realize all the shit I had gotten mad about was so stupid and it was like every personality flaw I had was fixed. I tried everything, bringing her flowers And food to her work place but to no avail. She avoided me and kept texting me ad telling me she loved me but that we were unhealthy for eachother. Today it's been over two weeks since prom. She's since blocked me on everything and I have no contact. She said she wasn't in love with me but I know it's because I fucked up so bad and hurt her. She had always said she would wait for me to not be shitty anymore and now I'm fixed and changed as a person but I hurt her too bad and she's given me too many chances and now that I've changed it doesn't matter. But we talked about getting married, having kids, going to college and everything. I love her way too much to let her go and not fix the mistakesz
Because one can easily say that I just have to let her go. But I swear that she's the love of my life. And shes only fallen out of love because of the period that I lost control of my emotions and I misrepresented myself. Before I got like that, we we're so happy. Even while the abuse was happening, she couldn't handle literally a day from me (once I asked for a week for us to cool off and she had her mom demand I see her a day later) and I love her and she's the best thing and the only person I want in my life and the only person who isn't shitty. I know if I had the chance I could fix everything because of this experience. But how do I fix this? We had a history off breaking up for s few hours or s day but that was because of pain from arguments.
tl;dr I was in a wonderful relationship that would've graduated to marriage but we broke up because I got emotionally abusive but I've improved because of it and she refused to give me another chance. How do I fix it? Because you can say what you want. "Just let her go" isn't an answer.
>The day i met her, and I swear to this, was the greatest day of my life
>Don't get me wrong, I was a good boyfriend. I wrote her an album about how wonderful she was, wrote letters about her, and wrote her millions of paragraphs about how wonderful she was.
>I'm fixed and changed as a person
>>17126960
I don't understand what the joke or statement is. We had a great relationship and we loved eachother a lot. But my episodes started getting more and more frequent.
>>17126964
you sound like a clingy psycho
>>17126965
We were both very attached. She wrote me poems, sent me endless paragraphs, bought me shit out of the blue for no reason, and when I would break up she would do everything she could to get me down and talk. Once I blocked her and told her not to contact me and I was on a morning jog and she pulled up next to me. We weren't psycho we just valued eachother a lot and no one had ever showed us love like that so we were very excessive on making eachother know we cared about rwchother. We were very afraid of losing eachother.
>>17126987
This includes acting out a little bit and exaggerating when it came to showing eachother how intense we felt.
Is that you in the photo?
You have some gorgeous hair, do you have more?
>>17126876
Nice hair senpai. Also just let her go IS the only answer. The only real advice here is self improvement. Be your ideal version of yourself and maybe she'll come around. If she doesn't, ideally you'll be too much of an emotionally secure man to care. It's win win, really. If you chase her now, you're coming from a place of insecurity and desperation, and who would want a relationship with that? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who would want that. Love yourself bro.
Is pic related?
>>17127276
Yeah. And for the other guy her s moar
This is the girl btw
>>17127589
Dat ass
>>17126876
>Don't get me wrong, I was a good boyfriend. I wrote her an album about how wonderful she was, wrote letters about her, and wrote her millions of paragraphs about how wonderful she was.
Anyone can be romantic. It's the little shit in between that counts, and you weren't even a passively decent partner. No one in their right mind would put up with this garbage.
>And shes only fallen out of love because of the period that I lost control of my emotions and I misrepresented myself.
Yeah, no. You didn't misrepresent yourself, you showed her who you really are. You pulled a lot of mentally abusive shit and thought that you could get away with it because her self-esteem was so low.
>Even while the abuse was happening, she couldn't handle literally a day from me
Uh, that's kind of what happens in emotionally abusive relationships. It's why the person being abused has a hard time leaving.
>>17126943
>I got emotionally abusive but I've improved because of it and she refused to give me another chance. How do I fix it? Because you can say what you want. "Just let her go" isn't an answer.
You can't, because you can't make people like you, you goddamn psycho. You had your chance, which was the relationship, and you completely blew it by being a shit bag. She's well within her right to not want to see you, and if you really care about her, then respect that and move the fuck on. Having been in her shoes before, with someone that sounds exactly like you, I wouldn't go back for anything.
