How do I stop resenting my dad?
This is a man that hit me once, called me a useless piece of shit, and always emotionally kicked me when I was down in my teen years and early 20s. When times were hard, and I was forced to move back in with my parents, he always made me fucking miserable, knowing I was clinically depressed. I've never hated anymore more in my life than my dad, awful to say. For the last several years we've made amends, and I can actually enjoy my time with him, as long as it's in a small time frame of a couple days or something. But even though we can smile and joke and talk, there's this bitterness in me that I can't let go. I want to fully heal with him, but no matter how much I try to confront these feelings, I just can't find it in me to forgive him completely.
I even initiated fishing trips for us, but I still almost dread them. I guess I love my dad but I don't like him. Not as a person, and not how he treated me in my most needful years. Can that resentment ever go away? I just want to be free of it, and I want to have a happy family.
Therapy is probably the best option. Forgiveness and letting go are extremely difficult things to do especially when you want to continue being around the person. I spent 5 years with someone who verbally abused me constantly and went to therapy for a year and a half. Things have improved a lot but I still get angry and resentful at times even though I haven't seen them for over 2 years.
You could also try talking to him about the things he did. Maybe his past contributed to his actions and you would feel better knowing the reasons why those things happened. Has he ever apologized for his past behavior?
>>17119877
It's difficult to talk to him about the past. He gets angry extremely easily, and when he does there is absolutely no reasoning with him. I kind of prefer not to bring it up, because we seem to get along now, he doesn't treat me as he used to. He apologized, but it was so often it felt like a currency he paid so he could treat me like shit beforehand. I don't know why, he never treated my older brother and sister like that. I don't know why he didn't like me.
>>17119883
The fact that you were singled out does make it a lot more difficult. I can understand why you wouldn't want to talk to him about it.
I think that forcing yourself to go on fishing trips with him is a bit self-destructive. If you dread these meetings, you are probably just building more resentment.
You may just need to figure out what offers you relief with your feelings in this. For me, it was venting about my ex, telling fucked up stories, over and over and over. It made me feel better because the way people would react would make me feel like I was justified in my feelings, since my ex would constantly downplay my emotions.
Talking on here is probably a good start. I think you may need to figure out what bothers you the most about this, like I did with what I said above, and find strategies that allow you to work towards healing that wound. I hope that makes sense.
>>17119901
Thanks for responding. I'll take this in consideration for sure.
Literally fuck him, that's what Sigmund Freud would've said.
