so I am a grill engaged to be married. A guy I know in my class (who I thought liked being friends with me because we have the same sense of humor and vidya interests) told me he had feelings for me. He did this despite knowing that I am engaged. This was pretty funny and surprising to me, and I didn't say much to him besides "I'm engaged I don't share these feelings and I haven't thought about you in any way but plantonic." My attitude has been sorta neutral towards this guy throughout the time I've known him as a classmate.
since then I texted him a few times but no response, which I understand and respect. I'm sorta mad that he told me. I've been in his position before - having been attracted to other people who were in serious relationships - but of course I never seriously considered telling them. I think what he did was selfish. I don't know if I should tell me fiance either (I probably won't because he doesn't know him and it would just stress him out).
What should I do? I still have to see him regularly since we are mostly in same classes. I can't completely ignore him, since we have other friends in common.
I'd let the fiancé know. Obviously you have no intentions to act on that in any way, but just give him the heads up and explain there's absolutely nothing there. The guy is a bit Asperger to say that while knowing you're engaged even though you're mostly just coeds
You did exactly what you were supposes to do. Its up to him to get over it.
>>17113459
He did what is right by telling you his feelings. It is selfish for you to think he should live his life wondering "what if". That said, you did the right thing by telling him you are not interested and are engaged.
Sometimes both parties can do the right thing and realize a relationship has just run its course. My guess is he has feelings for you and it is too hard for him to continue associating with you until he gets them under control - or maybe forever. Don't blame him, just go live your life.
>>17113495
that's a good perspective, and I guess there was no good way out of this situation without him telling me. I guess I'll do my best to avoid meaningful contact with him unless he seeks it out. I'm not sure how else to respond to this situation.
>>17113466
yeah I'll tell my fiance about it, I really shouldn't hide stuff like this from him.
>>17113495
>He did what is right by telling you his feelings. It is selfish for you to think he should live his life wondering "what if".
Hmm.... actually... While I usually advocate the better to have things said than left unresolved... when you're doing it to someone who you just met who you KNOW in a serious enough relationship they're engaged... at that point it really is straight up selfish and childish...
Like other anon said, that's straight up you legitimately have aspergers level of social retardation and ineptitude...
Just ignore it and move forward though OP. Don't stress too much. Thinks are only ever as awkward as you make them be. If you don't give a fuck about it, neither will your fiance.
>>17113576
I respectfully disagree. All is fair in love and war as they say. If the guy thought he could take OP away from her fiance by professing his feelings then I say go for it. This won't be the last time some dude will want to do this, but most will just pretend they are "friends" until they feel OP is in a vulnerable enough state to make their move all the while pretending the feelings came out of nowhere.
At least this guy was straight-forward and honest about it and has taken OP's rejection seriously. I also think such professions are fine even when the subject of the affection is married as long as no actual affair takes place. If you are willing to expose yourself to rejection, potential social ridicule, and a pissed off spouse then it seems to me the feelings are significant enough to express. Why not take a chance on love?
>>17113592
>At least this guy was straight-forward and honest about it and has taken OP's rejection seriously. I also think such professions are fine even when the subject of the affection is married as long as no actual affair takes place. If you are willing to expose yourself to rejection, potential social ridicule, and a pissed off spouse then it seems to me the feelings are significant enough to express. Why not take a chance on love?
Moral lines.
Are you the type that sees a wallet on a desk with a $20 sticking out of it, takes the bill and puts the wallet back?
Are you the type that spends $10's on gum, gets a $20 back in his change, thinks, "oh cool." and pockets it?
Are you the type who gets their check, sees things are missing on it, and just thinks of it as a discount?
Are you the type that finds a $20 on the floor and pockets it?
Those are all varying degrees of lines some people will and will not cross.
At the point where someone is planning to get married, what point does your intervention have? You know they're happy, you know you have little chance, there are billions of other people on the planet, so what does you interfering with this persons relationship get you? Not much, just some selfish gratitude.
>>17113680
How is this at all related? One, a person is not a $20 bill that is passively waiting to be taken. It cannot object or state that is belongs to someone else. People have thoughts and feelings and can choose or choose not to pursue them. If someone takes a chance and the feelings are mutual then what's the problem if the proper steps to dissolve the original relationship are taken? There is absolutely nothing morally wrong about telling someone if you love them. If they don't feel the same you accept it and move on. Only if it crosses over into cheating is it wrong.
>>17113713
The analogy was meant to highlight moral relativism and the different lines which people draw and hold.
To some people you knowingly asking is disrespectful to the commitment that they have taken on.
>>17113459
>What should I do?
You already did what you were supposed to do. What to do from here, though, I'm not sure anyone can tell you. That's dependent on this guy's behavior and your willingness to carry the friendship past this uncomfortable roadblock.
I understand you're upset that he crossed those boundaries but I assume you can also understand what it feels like to be overcome by emotions from time to time. It wasn't cool of him, but it happens.
If he has any brain cells in his head he's probably just as mortified at this point as you are.
>I think what he did was selfish. I don't know if I should tell me fiance either
What he did was selfish, thats true.
As far as telling your fiancé thats up to you but I don't really understand why. You're an adult setting boundaries with another adult. No one was in danger, no physical boundaries were crossed and you didn't do anything to damage your fiance's trust in you. Telling him might just make him angry over a problem thats not really a problem because you handled it.
I work as a bouncer in a bar and I get hit on and propositioned all night but I don't bother to tell my girlfriend about every last one because it just happens, I handle it like an adult and move on.
I don't think not telling him is "hiding" anything but like I said, thats up to you, I don't know the relationship dynamic between you and your fiancé so I can't make a judgment on that.
Long story short, if this guy got the message and understands he isn't welcome to cross that boundary again than you should be fine to continue your life as usual.
Use your comfort level to gauge whether or not things are going to be strange between the two of you and behave accordingly. If you want to avoid him, avoid him but no one here can tell you for sure if this guy will be able to go back to normal.
Use your judgement to handle it the same you have been and you should be fine because you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
