Hi, /adv/
I have a childhood friend whose hidden aggressiveness is getting on my nerves. He's insecure, and feels everybody around him is more successful. This I know cause we've talked about it. He's also lonely he says, and doesn't have many close friends, and struggles to keep in touch with those he made in university. He's generally an extroverted and charming guy, so this would seem weird, but I suspect it's because he treats them the same way he treats me.
I stopped talking to him for a year because I couldn't stand interacting with him anymore, but he recently reached out to me again and said he needed me, so I felt sympathy for him and decided to talk to him again. It didn't take long before we fell into our old interaction habits though.
Another thing to take into account is that we're both into creative fields and while I seem to do good despite my «useless» degree, he's pretty down on himself for still being stuck in a almost entry level job that has nothing to do with his field.
Examples of what he does:
> does not acknowledge stuff you talk about unless he's in a good mood
> has a tendency to one-up anything you tell him about that's good for you
> persistently mentions friends I've never heard of, although he told me he didn't have any other close friends he could rely upon but me, which I interpret to mean that he wants me to see him as not completely needy
Example: "Hey, this blog is gonna showcase my song next month!"
His response: "My good friend Tom* got his song on the radio the other day.»
*(who I've never met or heard of)
(cont)
(cont)
So, to the next part. I have to acknowledge that I'm pretty much like him in my insecurity and tendency to one-up people I identify as threatening. I'm only like this with my close friends and not everybody else. I recently «broke up» with another longstanding friend because of issues with this trait of mine. This means that I can exhibit the same traits as the friend in question here, but I've taken it upon me to treat him as well as I can and be conscious about my behaviour when I'm with him. We do have had a tendency to fire eachother up in «one-up contests» that are pathetic viewed from the outside, but only increases the insecurity of me and my friend.
Please take this into account. I'm exactly like him, so I know what it's like. Now, how do I deal with this? I'm tempted to just stop talking to him, or even leave him completely, as I'm tired of having these downward-spiraling relationships. I do have friends who are immune to my own hidden aggression, which mellows me out since that insecurity never surfaces in the first place when I'm with these friends.
So, how to deal with passive-aggressive friends?
i'd dare say it's pretty natural to be competitive if you're involved in competitive fields. if you don't compete, no one can compete against you.
i'm in a similar situation with some of my friends but i find it inspiring. i especially love to be challenged by them, since it really revs me up. i think that if i was around non-competitive friends all the time i'd start to lose my passion.
if you're still friends despite the competition and one-upping, there's some reason for it. people don't just remain in contact with people they absolutely can't stand. it's a bit like john lennon and paul mccartney, they had the same one-upping relationship but even after the beatles broke up they got together again in the 70s and hung out like old times and enjoyed each others' company.
>>17100741
That guy looks like he raped a sandwich and killed its family.
Pity is a mighty shitty basis for friendship, OP. Why are you there? Is there some codependency?
>>17100932
I just felt really bad for him, I guess. It actually hurt my stomach when I thought about it. Then again, you're right that pity is no basis for a relationship, and it also means it's inherently one-sided and unbalanced. Dunno what the fuck to do.
>>17100927
If we're talking playful competitiveness, I agree, but this is the kind of comptetitiveness that undermines the relationship, and both of our self confidence.
There are ground for a friendship besides the pity too, since he's got the same interests as me and we can both talk ideas and have... well, relatively speaking pretty similar tastes. That's kind of rare, I guess.
