So were at an impasse in our relationship, we’re both writing this as we still love each other but recent events are leading us further apart. We still want to be with each other, but were both too headstrong to come up with a good enough compromise. Couples therapy is too expensive so were asking you.
It’ll be written from both me (the boyfriend) at first and then her (the girlfriend), as were stumped.
>began with my friend offering ecstasy to me
>gf finds out by looking through my phone messages, we argue and it ends with me and her agreeing to message him asking him not to offer me anything anymore
>my friend gets pissy about it, but then later apologizes stating he’s been arguing with his gf
>this leads to gf getting upset (bad interactions with her and friend before all this), this ends with me promising I wouldn’t take anything with him
Skip and week or two
>I (boyfriend) break my promise, I get offered it ecstasy at the house party (3 friends over) at mine (girlfriend doesn’t like events like that so she doesn’t go to them)
>friend knew about situation offered anyway, I was also at fault for accepting it
>friend knew not to offer it since it caused an argument before, but did it anyways
Continued...
>>17096082
Continued...
Few days pass
>(boyfriend) I lied to her saying we only drank and smoked weed (she’s fine with that stuff but nothing harder), I felt guilty about it and didn’t want her to know so I kept it up.
>was offered ecstasy again by same friend, I agreed (I know it is childish to say but I was still salty. It was an immature move) for his birthday party next week on the 7th (it’s a rave)
>eventually she finds out as the same way before by looking through my phone, this begins a couple bad arguments leading to her putting out an ultimatum (she at this point was in rage mode, so we both said shit we didn’t mean) between her and my best friend (they’re both my best friends but it felt like ripping my heart in two)
>we argue for a bit, we both demand a compromise
>my best friend’s birthday party is next week on the 7th, like I said before I’d been offered ecstasy at that event
>her say is that my punishment/compromise is that I can still hang out with him but because I lied and planned it anyway again, to not go to the birthday party
>I feel slighted, she feels like it’s fairness for my actions
>I don’t want to miss my best friend’s birthday, she doesn’t want me going. I understand her view but I don’t want to have to choose between him and her
>worst case scenario of friend’s behalf: he gets pissed off for a week or more, but we both get on track with getting relationship back to normal (though this will cause both my gf and best friend to hate each other even more which will lead to more arguments down the road, in me the boyfriend opinion)
>worst case scenario on gf’s behalf: causes a rift in our relationship due to lack of trust, this could cause us to break up (we both don’t want that)
>>17096083
>>17096083
I will mention that we’ve got 5 months until University. During those 5 months I will be spending some time with my friend AND my gf, so not going to the birthday party is one day compared to 5 months. Although, after the 5 months I have another 3 years with my gf at University living with each other in the same student accommodation and no seeing my best friend as he’s going down south for University, though I’ll see him on half-term breaks from University (these range these range from a few weeks to 3 months.
>TD;LR: Me and my girlfriend and at an impasse in our relationship, friend offered me the boyfriend, ecstasy and it started this shitshow. I told him not to offer me anything like that again. I do the ecstasy anyway at my house party, I break my promise I wouldn’t do it. She finds out through my phone messages. As a compromise she wants me to miss my friend’s birthday party (agreed to do ecstasy at his b-day before she read my messages) this is my punishment. I’m not happy with this compromise and I don’t want to miss his b-day.
>>17096086
Hey. Hey bro. Do you want a friend you can trip balls with, or do you want a girlfriend?
Cause I mean it sounds like you're gonna choose one or the other but you're pretty stubborn and want to do drugs, so I guess if you like pissing your girlfriend off some more, do whatever you want.
Cause you've already broken the promise twice. It's not like you care all that much.
Choose between
>be a fucking retarded drug addict and inevitably spiral deeper and deeper into more frequent and heavier drug use like every fucking idiot that tries them
>have a girlfriend that loves you and obviously cares about you a lot.
If you are genuinely having trouble choosing then my advice to your gf is to bail out as quick as you can and find a real man that doesn't need drugs to be happy
>>17096107
To me it isn't about the drugs and I've never done anything like this before. it's hanging out with my best friend that I care about, I love them both dearly but at the current events I'm being put between two choices of him or her. If I agree and say I won't go to his birthday party I'm just going to end up feeling awful that I couldn't go and he's gonna get mad at me and end up hating my gf thinking she's controlling me or something. If I do go she's probably going to leave me, even if I just drank and didn't do anything.
I want a best friend and a girlfriend who loves me, not one or the other.
Point the first: Put a fucking password on your phone. Your GF has no right to go sifting through your shit. If you're untrustworthy and this is her only way of keeping tabs on you, then she should dump your ass. But everyone needs privacy. Password your phone.
Point the second: Your GF doesn't get to pick what drugs you put or don't put into your body. If you want to do ecstacy, don't let her bully you into promising not to do it. It's your body. What exactly is her rationale for thinking that she gets to determine this?
Point the third: Once you promise to do something, keep your fucking promises. Even if you should never have made the promise in the first place, doesn't matter. You made a promise and if you break them (which it appears you have no problem doing) I understand why she doesn't trust you.
Point the fourth: Your PUNISHMENT is that you have to miss your friends' birthday party? Holy shit, this is toxic. Your GF is not your mom. She is not your teacher or your drill seargant, and you are not a fucking child. She does not get to "punish" you for doing anything. Again, if she doesn't like the things you do, she should just leave.
In conclusion: both of you need to grow up, and she needs to learn about boundaries.
It's pretty lame being in a relationship.
Either just break up and and enjoy fucking around with your homie, or ditch him and stay with her (for however long until you break up or whatever)
The choice is up to you all.
Shit though dude ya gotta stop lying so much though breaking promises is a scummy thing to do.
Just don't agree to promises you can't keep ffs.
So...
Boyfriend is a liar and drug user who has no self-control and will do any drug anyone offers him, and then blame that person.
Girlfriend doesn't want to be with a guy who lies and uses drugs.
Well, here's the obvious solution: girlfriend should break up with boyfriend.
Incidentally, for everyone reading this: if you know someone who blames their own behavior on others, that's a shit person. You should cut them out of your life as much as possible.
>>17096143
Gf here, I will say that he's not an avid drug user. He will occasionally smoke weed with his buddy but the ecstasy thing crossed the line, especially since he specifically promised me he wouldn't do it.
>>17096130
And you, I know I'm not his mother. The fact of the matter is he betrayed my trust. I did too, by looking at his phone. I know that. He's apologised to me once before for a similar situation, and yet went through with it anyways. I want redemption for this time, because sorry won't make up for it now, hence the 'punishment'. I love him dearly, I don't want him to be unhappy, but this is testing my patience
>>17096156
If he betrays your trust, the thing to do is dump him, not impose some arbitrary penalty. He's already shown, multiple times, that he's untrustworthy. Why haven't you left him? "Punishing" someone for transgressions is not something people in healthy, SUPPOSEDLY equal relationships do to each other. It is something done by people in relationships with very clearly unequal hierarchical power structures - like, as I said before, parents, teachers and drill sergeants.
Also, you told him that ecstasy was crossing a line before he betrayed your trust. I'd like to know why you get to choose where that line is, instead of him.
>>17096178
Not her, but to be fair, aren't boundaries supposed to be made and communicated BEFORE they are crossed, so that both parties know what's going on?
Maybe she communicated that "I'm okay with being with someone who occasionally smokes weed and drinks, but not comfortable with someone who uses ecstasy. Will that work for you?"
And he said "Yes that works for me. I'll occasionally smoke and drink by I will not use ecstasy."
>>17096194
Often, yes. Some boundaries need to be discussed beforehand. Others don't. I don't think anyone could ever reasonably say, "well, you never told me NOT to go through your phone, so I assumed it was ok!"
But yes, in the example you provided, if they had had that conversation, that would have been good. I still think the best thing for her to do after he broke that promise would be to leave him, though, rather than punish him.
>>17096208
Oh yes, I agree with you on the phone thing and the punishment thing. I'm just saying that people can have their own preferences about what they are and aren't okay with in a partner's drug use, that's all.
