My partner has BPD.
I know he loves me but i feel like he hates me a lot of the time because his emotions rule him and he gets scared and insecure because he's afraid of me leaving him.
What can I do for him to make him feel comfortable? I feel like I already do everything to help him but it is not enough. I also don't feel nurtured by him but I love him so much I don't want to leave.
>>17077270
Leave him, there is 0.000000000000% chance he will ever change.
>>17077282
Why do you say that? do you have a similar experience?
>>17077292
>Why do you say that? do you have a similar experience?
Yes. You think when he feels emotional, you "did" something, and can "fix" it; because this is what would happen if YOU were to have those same emotions.
He's not like you. You can't change him. You'll never make him happy.
He needs medication, just being nice will be 0% effective.
Sorry.
It is very difficult to be romantically involved with people who suffer from disorders like BPD. It takes more of an effort between both partners to be successful in communication and comfort levels.
It is nothing personal; mood swings and irregular behavior are unavoidable but can be delt with. Understand that your boyfriend perceives and feels emotions very differently than you do, in a way that you cannot understand but can recognize and work with.
Look more into the disorder and talk to you boyfriend about what he needs from you when he is having episodes, tell him your concerns.
TLDR communicate
>>17077303
We are trying to get insurance to get him medication and therapy, he does want to change at least. Do you think its hopeless even if he's on meds and therapy?
OP
I am currently engaged to a young woman with BPD. It isn't fun. I feel your pain. I feel like its constantly a struggle.
>>17077317
>We are trying to get insurance to get him medication and therapy, he does want to change at least. Do you think its hopeless even if he's on meds and therapy?
Don't get your hopes up. He has a mental disorder. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything.
Keep in mind that people w/BPD are masters at having a person (like you) stay with them: weaken/destroy their ego, tell you that you can't find anyone else, say "sorry" occasionally, but in general treat you like shit.
Again, it's a mental disorder. You don't need to be a hero, it's too fucking difficult to deal with this.
Cut bait, leave him. Don't look back. Don't...look....back.
It's up to him to get medicated and be a better person for the next woman.
You need to move on.
>>17077339
>tell you that you can't find anyone else
You're gonna have to back this up.
>>17077335
can you tell me your experience?
>>17077339
That's my whole thing though, I would be furious if he got better for another woman and not me. I am very in love with him and don't want to let him go.
>>17077352
he's actually never said that to me, he knows that i can find other people he's just afraid that I will
>>17077352
>You're gonna have to back this up.
What I mean is that the person w/BPD will try and manipulate their partner to stay. One way of doing that is by telling the person that "you can't find anyone else".
Basically the person w/BPD knows they are fucked up, but wants their partner to stay forever and ever and ever, by any means necessary.
>>17077362
It seems like he tries to make me leave more than anything else because of his outbursts, I'm never manipulated into staying I just do because I am patient with him
>>17077270
I'm a male with BPD. Leave him now. Unless he does extensive therapy, primarily DBT, he will not change.
If he's anything like me he will end up cutting himself over you and possibly attempting suicide.
We are broken people that need to recover before we can enter into a healthy relationship.
>>17077339
If he becomes manipulative or abusive you should leave him. He's right, it is hard to deal with people who have severe mental disorders. But if you two love each other and can communicate effectively it can work.
You cannot change or "fix" someone with BPD (or any disorder). It is a part of them that you either can or cannot live with. If you find it too difficult to deal with or like it's too much to handle long-term, leave him. It will be difficult because it feels like you are giving up but you have to accept that he has and will have the disorder for the rest of his life, and you have to make the decision if you want to be a part of that life.
>>17077356
>he's actually never said that to me, he knows that i can find other people he's just afraid that I will
And he KNOWS that insecurity works. You feel guilty, so he constantly expresses his fear.
You feel guilty, he gets his insecurity validated, over and over.
I know you don't want to hear this, but he doesn't have the ability to love you. He wants to, like everyone on the planet; he simply is unable to because of his fear.
He'll always want to control you because he fears losing you. But he also hates you for staying with him, because what kind of person would stay with him?
I'm telling you, you should leave. I don't say this lightly.
At least get some other people's opinions: therapists, people who have lived with people with BPD. Not 4chan.
You can save decades of unhappiness in your life if you leave. Chances are high that he'll get worse over the years, you'll be more and more unhappy.
Also, medication does fuck all for BPD. It's not a disorder caused by a chemical imbalance. It's most likely caused by childhood trauma, particularly abandonment by a caregiver. The only solution is to want to change and to seek therapy. Even then you're looking at 3-5 years of intensive therapy before you'll be a relatively emotionally stable individual.
>>17077356
>can you tell me your experience
There are days where things are normal. I feel like we're in love. The romance is there. The normalcy is there. We support each other. Spend time together. She has a sex drive, etc.
Then there are the dark times. The most seemingly tiny thing is huge to her. Her sex drive vanishes. I catch her trying to hang herself or cut herself. She cuts off all communication with me and retreats to our bedroom and wants to be left alone(which is hard to do because of her self-destructive behavior). No romance. No time spent together. She tells me I hate her, that I make her want to die, that she needs to die, that I don't want to deal with her(I just want her to not get like this is literally it, I want the good things not the bad), and that I'd be better off without her(Not entirely true as I'm in love, but not entirely wrong either as this part is fucking hell)
Then unfortunately not as quick as it came, it passes. She usually sleeps the bulk of it off, and then as the next day or two goes on she slowly reverts back to what I feel is "normal". During the time leading up to this she is usually incredibly bored and has no motivation for anything other than work.
I admit that had I known about this disorder before dating her, I wouldn't have dated her. I'm at 7 years and counting. It fucking sucks, OP.
>>17077370
>We are broken people that need to recover before we can enter into a healthy relationship.
Kudos for the honesty, anon.
>>17077389
To add to this, the last time she had an episode was a week ago.
I had simply asked her to put a dirty dish of hers in the sink so I could wash it later because it was my turn to do the dishes and that I was tired of reminding her to do so.
Apparently letting her know that I was tired of reminding her to do that set her off. She instantly was thrown into a funk.
Sorry OP, but you're fucked.
>>17077370
Fucking so much this! Thank you! I tell people this shit all the time and I get so much shit, especially from people with shit like BPD or depression or what have you who think they're entitled to shit all over someone just because they love them.
>oh if you love someone you will never leave them?
Yeah right, even if they're beating you, or doing meth, or turning every waking moment of your life into a Lifetime drama? No. Love YOURSELF enough to be the best you can be for your partner,and enough to not let yourself get treated like a door mat
>>17077370
I'm very loyal to him and I make everything completely open to him but he still gets scared, is this something you struggle with too?
>>17077375
It's true, I don't feel loved at all. It's sad because I love him so much even when he is awful to me. He is a wonderful person when he is having his good days, I could see anyone falling for him. I give him every inch of stability but its still not enough.
>>17077383
yeah he has a lot of childhood truama, his mother passed away and his father abandoned him as well. I am a very nurturing and mothering type and its upsetting that it isn't enough for him, I can never replace what was lost.
>>17077389
thank you for sharing your story, what is the one reason you stand by her side even though its difficult for the both of you?
>>17077414
Yes. Frequently. It doesn't help that I've been emotionally cheated on by all three of my girlfriends...and I've been used just for sex twice in addition to that.
I have what I consider pretty good reasons to be worried based on past experiences and the BPD just makes it that much worse.
I'm telling you, he absolutely, must do DBT. It's the only reason I haven't cut since November and am mostly okay with being single now.
>>17077414
>why do you stay?
I don't know for certain. The good times are pretty nice. During the good times, you can see the love in her eyes and in the things she does for me. I do a lot for her. I mean A LOT. Sometimes I feel like its uneven, but it's probably just the disorder getting in the way.
It certainly helps that the sex is great.
Over time, I've learned to treat this disorder as the enemy and not her. If you do choose to stay you need to do that. You NEED to remember that the disorder is the obstacle here and not them, because you WILL develop feelings of animosity towards them on some level.
>>17077434
I know that the disorder is the enemy, but the problem I have is not being nurtured by him because im always taking care of him. I wish it was a two way street.
>>17077434
do you ever feel like there is someone better out there for you? Have there been people in the past that have shown interest and have you thought "what if?" ?
>>17077450
Well I have bad news for you.
Most of the time, she doesn't nurture me. People with this disorder are for the most part incapable of this. The main reason she can sometimes is because she's made some progress managing it and I've communicated with her about it.
If he can't meet you halfway at least a part of the time then the relationship is just going to be kept on life support by you and only you.
>>17077414
Bruh. Hang around the thread for a while. I have bipolar, and a healthy relationship. (But I'm posting from work right now, so I can't post right this minute.)
>>17077466
Ah, how have you coped with her not being able to nurture you or be emotionally available when you need her? You said that the sex is good does that make up for it?
>>17077462
She's expressed to me that she isn't the jealous type, but there have been more than a few times where we've been in a public setting or a party and I start casually talking with a girl and she comes over and grabs my arm and does the thing girls do where they show off what they've claimed, etc.
I'm not going to deny that I've thought about "what ifs". Is there someone out there better? Probably. Do I deserve better? I mean, I don't really know. How could anyone?
>>17077475
Because she doesn't leave me hanging 100% of the time.
During critical moments, she has truly been there for me as well. My mother passed away last march, and she was amazingly supportive and for some reason stepped up and improved a lot. It's crazy how that changed things even slightly.
Did she beat the disorder? No. But she was there for me and is there for me part of the time. This disorder is still fucking bullshit, though.
>>17077490
Thats good that shes there at least part of the time.
I feel like I am always left in the dark. I love him so much I wish I would get the same respect. good luck in your relationship. I hope you have a very happy marriage.
>>17077497
Thank you.
But for your sake, you need to talk to him about your feelings. You need to try to get him some help. And if none of this works and nothing changes you really will be better off cutting him loose.
ok guys can we clear something up? Are y'all talking about bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? Because I see BPD used to refer to both and it's pretty different. Mostly it sounds like you guys are talking about borderline but I'm not sure
>>17077605
borderline. I have bi polar but my partner has borderline
Oh! So OP's talking about Borderline.
My bad. I don't have any experience with that. I have type 2 bipolar...
>>17077608
ah, my ex girlfriend was borderline and I think it caused her to be quite abusive towards me. Granted, she was undiagnosed at the time, so the fact that he knows he has it and wants to work on it might be a good sign.
I think it's good that you're supportive, but it's also very important to establish that he is responsible for himself and his own feelings. You can be there for him, and show that you care, but ultimately you have to set the boundary that you are his lover and his friend but not his caretaker. If you take on too much of his problems, this puts you in a very vulnerable position to be easily manipulated or abused (which if I understand is a common tendency for BPD) but even if he does keep his disorder in check well enough to not take advantage of you, you're still going to get sick of it at a certain point. Either of these things is going to be taxing on you personally and will also almost certainly destroy the relationship.
I'd also suggest you keep a close eye on your wants and feelings to make sure that he is treating you fairly. I can tell you 100% when I was with my ex I didn't think she was doing anything wrong and I'd argue passionately that she wasn't abusive in the slightest, but even now years later I'm still discovering new ways that the relationship fucked me up.
>>17077699
how did the fallout of the relationship affect you in the long term? I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD already so im afraid of it getting worse.
It is hard to manage but if you need help understanding how somone with BPD processes emotions think of it this way our emotions are like if someones skin was made of glass we feel things so intense thats it like a wild beast. Fear and worry consume us because of whatever trauma we have been through and managing it is like hell but it is possible i have never sought treatment but i have improved greatly over the last 3 yrs
>>17077735
what steps did you take to improve? i want to help my bf as much as i can
>>17077710
It was really intense. The shortened version is that once I was jolted awake and realized how wrong everything was I ended up breaking up with her pretty soon after. Once I had broken up with her I felt a profound void in my life. I had plans to move across the country with her coming up, and I had spent the past 4 years planning every detail of my life around her. Everything from my hobbies and likes/dislikes and college major were decisions based on her wishes. So without her I really didn't know what to do with myself. It was really tough and apparently showed signs of suicidal tendencies because on more than one occasion friends and family expressed serious concern that I had just killed myself when I was just going somewhere alone to explore this new freedom I had. (I didn't feel suicidal for the record) I did a lot of things just because I could, which included falling directly into what turned out to be a sexually abusive relationship... so like, you learn some lessons, and then you learn some more, right? I don't know if I have PTSD from these events but there's definitely baggage that I'm still working through even now. Every now and then some persistent nagging thought or fear will bubble up and I'll just have this moment of clarity recognizing it as a lie that she'd planted in my head to manipulate me with all those years ago.
I don't want to go into the details here but if you have a throwaway email I can tell you more.
I haven't really given therapy a fair shot yet but if you feel like you're experiencing some of these things I'd say it's probably a good idea to try. Keep in mind that if you don't like your therapist you can ask them for a referral to another.
OP does your name start with an S by any chance?
>>17077770
no it does not, why?
>>17077270
preface: i dated someone with bpd for almost 3 years
you need to get as far away from this person as you can, as fast as you can. unless he is fully committed to getting help (and even then, relapse is very common), things will only get progressively worse. do not make the mistake of thinking that you can help him, or that you are doing either of you a favor by sticking around. know this- your partner does not, has never, and will never experience genuine romantic feelings towards you. you are a tool. you are a distraction. a toy, even. assume any behavior he exhibits to be a manipulation tactic (bpd people seem to be great actors, in my experience). you may read this and think "anon is full of shit, i can fix this", but i am telling you this so you dont end up like me. my situation may have been a little more extreme than yours (or maybe not for all i know), but shit got crazy. like police involvement, had to move out of my own house crazy (and no, we were not married. i left because i felt it was my best option). the person that i loved, who i thought of as my partner and equal, essentially threw me under a bus. she abruptly became the polar opposite of what she had led me to believe she was, and things spiraled out of control from there. im sure ill get back to normal eventually, but its been almost a year now, and i still have a very hard time trusting anyone that isnt immediate family. my perspective on women is fucked. ive never been a saint when it comes to dealing with girls, but now, i find myself rationalizing deplorable behavior on the basis of assuming that theyre all monsters anyway. i am now more comfortable alone than i am with people. even friends, who ive known forever. again, i am telling you this in the hope that you do not end up like me. look out for yourself. dont continue to allow yourself to be exploited by someone that could not give less of a shit about you.
good luck, anon.
>>17077776
I have BPD and the situation with my girlfriend is exactly the same in a lot of ways.
>>17077796
how can I find the strength to move on? would it be ok if we talked about it some more?
>>17077799
what is your situation like?
>>17077800
>how can I find the strength to move on?
because you have to. if you do not, your life is going to become extremely unpleasant. are you prepared for the whole physical abuse thing? because its likely to come to that point if you stick around. for me, it happened once, and it took everything i had to not put her teeth down her throat. genders being reversed in your case, do you think you can fight him off? thats something you need to think about. avoidance of physical pain is an excellent motivator, draw strength from that. ask yourself- is this really what you want your life to be like? you are under no obligation to this person, especially when he treats you poorly. why stick around when you know theres no future in it? why let someone treat you like that? do you not value or respect yourself? i think you already know what you need to do. i know how hard it is, trust me. but if you dont look out for yourself, no one will.
>>17077838
you're right... thank you for your honesty
>>17077845
i know. and youre welcome. but are you going to do what needs to be done?
>>17077851
Im going to have to
>>17077860
it would be wise to have someone with you when you do it, or at least have someone within earshot. be prepared for the worst- he will likely threaten suicide, devalue and insult you, he may become violent,, etc. there are many possibilities. be prepared. do not be swayed by appeals to your emotions, and remember that the only reason you have those emotions in the first place is because you were manipulated into feeling them. get all your stuff before you leave, have somewhere to go planned out. you may want to change your phone number as well.
i wish you good luck again. youre going to need it. i really hope you stick to your guns and finally rid yourself of what i consider to be a malicious parasite.
>>17077383
Both of these things aren't necessarily true. I've greatly improved on antipsychotics, and also haven't been through anything traumatic.
>>17077282
Contrary to popular belief, the disorder IS curable.
>>17077270
Run away OP. BPD people will destroy your soul and have 0 empathy. Everything is about them, and its always drama and rage.
When they are up they can be a lot of fun, but when they are down, they are a nightmare.
Please, for your own sake, get out of it now. BPDs are not capable of change or maintaining a stable relationship
>>17079131
Yeah the 0 empathy thing sounds pretty familiar. It's a shame it had to be this way. I almost feel tricked into loving someone incapable of loving me.
Be yourself and don't be afraid to tell them to fuck off for awhile, my sister has BPD and sometimes it's best to disengage for a bit and let them sort themselves out. They aren't a baby, don't treat them like one or you'll burn yourself out.
>>17077282
This. My father has it.
Leave the fucker, thats what he deserve.
>>17077375
>he doesn't have the ability to love you
Not OP but I've wondered the same. But see, my BPD partner has a female best friend and he genuinely loves her.
I have a little hobby, I like to go onto psych forums and read stories about coping with partners suffering from mental illness or dealing with an abusive/neglectful childhood (Obviously I've dealt with some shit).
I'm not sure what is worse to read, post by the people whose partners have BPD or the posts by the people with BPD themselves.
I think through the anonymity of being online everyone can be a bit more honest about themselves and introspective. All the personal bullshit gets stripped away.
The people whose partners have BPD always say the same things: I love them, they love me, they try so hard but it's not easy, sometimes I don't know how to cope, ect.
They always end in one of two ways; either 'how do I fix them?' or 'how do survive being in this relationship?'
The people who actually have BPD post something even more depressing. They normally go 'I'm in a relationship, they love me, BUT I CAN'T STOP USING THEM.' That's the saddest thing for me, even when people with BPD know what they're doing is wrong, they can't help but do it. The people with BPD beg for advice on how to get their partners to break up with them, but you can tell they're too scared of being alone to do it.
You've got to learn the hard way, some people can't be saved. Won't be saved.
BTW this is the forum I normally go to
http://www.psychforums.com/
It has a good section on relationships, better than /adv/ IMO.
>>17079150
>I almost feel tricked into loving someone incapable of loving me.
you feel this way because that is exactly what happened. the best you can do is learn from it and move on.
>>17079277
>implying he's not pretending to genuinely love her to manipulate you
>>17079367
No no, not that, he actually does. I'm going by actions, and some of these things he doesn't know I know of them. He loves her for herself.
Alright alright,
So this thread is blowing up and it's bashing those people with BPD saying we are all incapable of love, terrible human beings, hurt people on purpose, etc. We don't.
It only seems like that, but for us it's worse because we can't control it.
We get help, but it takes time. Did you know, that relationships take time too? If you're unhappy, speak about it to your partner slowly, don't bash them on a site like this because what kind of 'loving' partner are you then?
Do we really deserve to be treated like shit when we didn't decide to have this? No. It takes a process to get any better, and if they aren't actively wanting to work on it, then THAT is an issue, not the fact that they have BPD. Guide them to help, be fucking patient, they aren't your enemy and they do not manipulate you on purpose for whatever reason.
Fuck you guys, I see posts about BPD everyday and we are always seen as the victims. We don't have anybody because people struggle to help us and know us, but we're trying to become better at everything. Mistakes happen, and we need to learn and that doesn't come out of nowhere.
Seriously though, fuck you guys. If you can't handle it, you shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place or continue to do so.
>>17079396
no, he does not. in time, you will see the truth as we have. she is a means to an end, nothing more.
>>17079451
look. i get that you didnt choose this. but you do choose to enter into relationships with people when you know that you can do nothing but harm to them, and that is where my distaste for you comes from. most instances ive seen and experienced, you people dont even bother to tell a prospective partner beforehand that you are unstable. that is dishonest and manipulative. your fear of being alone seems to allow you to rationalize any and all fucked up behaviors, and that is not right in any way. if you truly acknowledge your condition and want to change, you would forego dating until you have your shit under control.
seriously though, fuck you. if you cant get involved with someone by representing yourself accurately and truly, if you cant treat people with the respect you want to be treated with, you should not be involved with anyone in the first place. there is good reason for people to hold you in such low regard- no one wants to be around someone that is the equivalent of an underdeveloped child that is throwing a tantrum. you are not a special snowflake, you are not oppressed, put upon, or otherwise disadvantaged. you do this to yourselves, and then you try to force your misery onto others who want nothing more than to help.
>>17079505
>you're not disadvantaged
Except BPD is one of the most serious and most treatment-resistant mental illnesses. Except a large amount of us end up being hospitalized or incarcerated. Except 10% of us complete suicide. Except BPD often comes with a myriad of other disorders that make one even more fucked up. Except some of us will never be able to work.
I get that we're manipulative bitches. I agree. But don't pretend we've asked to live in this hell or trivialize our experiences.
>>17079578
the first sentence of my post said "i get that you didnt choose this." do not trivialize the experiences of those who have suffered through association with one of you.
>Except a large amount of us end up being hospitalized
typically from suicide attempts (or fake ones), or domestic violence that didnt quite pan out like you anticipated
>or incarcerated
again, due to your own actions. all fun and games til the law gets involved, huh?
>10% of us complete suicide
im sensing a pattern here.
so what you are saying is that people should pity you because of choices you have willingly made?
>BPD often comes with a myriad of other disorders
ill give you this one. and ill even go so far as to put responsibility for this on your parents/guardians.
>some of us will never be able to work
not everyone would consider this to be a disadvantage. there are plenty of ways to make money without holding a 9-5 job.
you describe your situation as "living in hell." why would you want to expose someone that you claim to care about to that? all im saying here is that people with bpd should not enter into relationships until they can manage their condition or have achieved mental stability. there are plenty of groups of people that are worse than you lot, im not saying youre the scum of the earth or anything. but you need to realize how you affect the people that care about you. for me, it was particularly bad. im sure its different for everyone. but one thing we all have in common is that we all leave a relationship with a bpd person damaged in some way. and it pisses me off when people intentionally cause harm to others without cause or provocation.
>>17079726
you're just an asshole.
>>17079805
that i am. but im also correct.
>>17079812
lol, okay keep thinking that sweetheart.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
^^ you ;)
>>17079505
>no, he does not. in time, you will see the truth as we have. she is a means to an end, nothing more.
You may not know that BPD affects people differently and it's case by case. Mine isn't as affected by it as others, it's more mild. Mine can have crushes, is capable of loving, can be kind and caring to people.
I thought you'd ask me how I know he loves that person (yes, he uses her, he uses everyone, but he does actually love them), but you didn't, and just jumped to conclusions. Ok...
>>17079831
gasp!
ive been diagnosed with a mental disorder by an anonymous person on an indonesian basket weaving image board!
REST ASSURED I AM TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY. THANK YOU FOR OPENING MY EYES, ANON
>>17079850
Trivia: narcissism isn't a mental disorder, but a personality disorder.
>>17079846
>uses people
>"actually loves them"
these two things are mutually exclusive
>>17079852
lol that op is a dumbass, clearly.
thanks :D
>>17079853
The BPD uses, the person loves.
>>17079852
You basically ignored that person`s point by attacking a straw-man. How pathetic, same style as ”don`t have anything to say... but he has a typo there pffft”
>>17079852
MIND=BLOWN
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING
youre right. i am the problem here. it is morally wrong and offensive for me to share my opinions and experiences. i will surely take your words to heart and rethink my life.
>>17079863
Please, continue op.
>>17079862
>>17079863
I'm a different anon and was just correcting something.
>>17077270
As one who dated a BPD, knows another BPD, and has a moderate education in mental illness: It is my strong opinion people with borderline must remove themselves from the dating pool.
There are not capable of stable healthy relationships, and their own pursuit causes them much pain and anguish, and they are highly destructive to their partners.
As for you: He'll never change. Trust me.
You'd pretty much have to stay home and never talk to another man again as long as you live, and remove yourself from facebook.
>>17077270
I know a woman who began dating a guy with BPD since they were both about 20. Fast forward 13 years, 3 children, two of which are recent due to threats of her leaving him - her life sucks. She is broken, the only provider of food. He hits her and patronizes her although she is the only one doing anything for the kids and the house. He guilt tripped her early on, so now she feels like she can`t do any better. They will never divorce, she doesn`t see how divorcing him at last will turn her life around for the better.
Question to people with BPD. I had a burnout few days ago and it made me realize that my whole life I've been living how other people expect me to live. In every situation I think what other people think of me and I've always felt like I don't belong and in social situation I've had to fake who I am because I know nobody will like me. Is this how people with BPD feel like, or is this something completely different?
>>17079917
Not BPD, but sounds completely different.
Most of BPD is relationship centric. Extreme idealisation, or extreme distaste for a love target, Extreme reactions to possible signs of abandonment (being left), whether they have reason to or not.
Extreme self image problems (Which you match, but this could easily be enviromental. As you say, you have to act like someone else to fit in. That means the people around you arent right for you.)
Plus self harm, suicide attempts and threats.
And a few others.
>>17079885
>They will never divorce, she doesn`t see how divorcing him at last will turn her life around for the better.
That's what someone with BPD does: crushes life, and then the other partner just waits for their own death or the death of their partner for the next 30 years.
What a complete disaster.
>>17080034
Towards the end of my relationship with my BPD relationship, I actually seriously considered murder.
When we broke up it was months of suicide threats, threats to call the police and report rape, sue me, she used my deepest insecurities to try and get her way.
Every night from 6pm to 12am my inbox was flooded. After 2 months she stopped., Then I found out she was dating a new guy.
Such a train wreck. We need to get some gene therapy and neural altercation technology fast, to save these people and those around them because holy shit.
>>17080139
>We need to get some gene therapy and neural altercation technology fast
What we need are proper families who won't abandon their children.
>>17077270
I've spent an awful lot of time in and out of psych wards and doing research. I was diagnosed with Bipolar I with Psychotic Features (I love that term, "features," like my psychotic breaks are fog-lights on an Audi). It fucked me up. Like, a lot. I got put on meds, and almost lost my job, and came really quite close to committing suicide. The point here is that I have personal experience with this (yes, I know that BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder and not Bipolar Disorder.
Here's my question: what is the actual usefulness of a diagnosis outside of determining possible medication for a potential chemical imbalance? For me, the meds didn't work out, and I was able to slowly ween myself off of them (with psych-doc's advisement). I'm not anti-med; my wife takes anti-depressants and they work great for her.
But I'm just wondering: isn't part of the problem here the expectations people have of those with certain diagnoses, and the self-fulfilling prophecy of treating them as "ill?" I know I'm treading some Scientology waters here, but it really needs to be asked, I think.
Because the issues OP is dealing with are literally the same issues that </i> every couple on the planet </i> deals with. Maybe focusing on those issues rather than trying to deconstruct the personality of someone nobody but OP has ever even met (that we know of) might be somewhat helpful. Just saying.
But yeah, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy has a really good success rate with BPD, and you shouldn't give up on him. But you also can't become a martyr for him. It's the fine line everyone in basically every relationship walks, because the idea of an equal partnership in every way is a complete myth. You just need to make sure you are taking care of yourself, too, and get your own therapist (really, that's hugely important).
>>17080168
You cant control that completely.
Also its found to be in part genetic.
Thanks.
I have BPD and was abandoned for atleast 8-9 years. All I did was play runescape and max'ed out my character and my parents didnt care.
i finished uni and have a gf but she deals with my shit everyday. i'm lucky to have her and we research bpd together as well as cbt and dbt therapy. it's important and if you don't do that, go on meds. if you aren't actively helping out your disorder for your partner then you're a selfish asshole.
to those with bpd:
-try loving yourself before getting into a relationship with someone
-warn them, educate them
-tell them what you need, ask them what THEY need
-ask if they would be able to do therapy with you eventually especially just incase
-have rules, because no one likes emotional attachment and dependency
-meditate LOTS
-medication is necessary if you lack control
-stay healthy, exercise, lift if you can
-hobbies hobbies hobbies
-relationship hobbies like hiking
-have a journal together is IMPORTANT
so many things.
people with bpd aren't doomed.
just learn, and you will find someone who will love you if you love them properly and don't let this become who you are.
>>17080217
thank you for your advice. you are awesome for recognizing your struggle and working on yourself through therapy and other things, i know that BPD isnt an evil thing because of people like you who work with their disorder rather than against it. I will talk to my boyfriend about therapy and work with him. Is there anything specific that your gf does that you really appreciate and helps you through your struggle?
>>17080139
It sounds rough anon, I'm sorry that you went through that.
To those with BPD: I don't hate you, like others have said I think you should remove yourself from the relationship pool, for your own sake and others.
To me you are the embodiment of the scorpion and the frog. You'll promise the frog you're not going to sting it if the frog helps you across the lake. Then halfway through you'll sting the frog to death and make both of you drown.
When the frog asks why, all that can be said is 'I'm a scorpion'.
I think it can be managed, not cured but controlled, maybe best case scenario you can have close friends. I could befriend someone with BPD if they were committed to getting treatment.
>>17080296
I'm far from awesome but I try my hardest. I started last year around July with therapy so its a long road ahead. We've been together almost 2 years now ongoing, and I recognized that I hurt her way more often then she hurt me so I got diagnosed by a psychologist and then directed into the therapy.
It IS expensive, but it's worth it not to lose someone so dear to you. I feel like a lot of people with bpd or bi-polar lose sight on 'who they are' if they don't do something about it quickly and responsibly.
I'm just trying to get people to see that we aren't all monsters but I definitely am sometimes. When my gf notices she tells me, we sit in silence/she makes coffee and we talk about it slowly not through yelling or interrupting eachother.
to be quite honest it took awhile for me to do anything about it, but I was a social recluse and once I was in the relationship I saw the signs of how my anti-social traits and lack of social experience took a toll on how I reacted to certain situations.
I also smoked a ton of weed in the past to cope with being lonely and because of my parents not caring about my life, so that made it even worse and I hate to say it but people with bpd need to stay away from alcohol and drugs atleast in LARGE amounts because it messes with you the next day or in the moment and how you think.
If you don't catch yourself pre-breakdown you get psychosis and that's when it gets bad. when it gets that bad, my girlfriend and I just take a walk, usually I don't say anything and she distracts me with stories about her or about the things we've done together etc. or we go to a movie.
^ I guess that's one thing she does for me, and I can point out other things
>is aware of my 'triggers'
>welcomes me into what she does socially but not all the time as she needs space
>becomes interested in games/things I like so that if i'm having a bad day we can do something in understood silence
>cooks, makes coffee and I do the same so it isnt one-sided
>>17080515
>we have a lot of life discussions and are incredibly open about how we feel
>if I feel a moodswing coming on, she will guide me on what to do (this helps because sometimes I have no idea what to do and she'll tell me to play a certain game or read a book, or if I say I can't do those she'll sit with me and hold me which is enough to me
and for her, she suffers from a little depression so I know that's why she knows what to do for the most part. we've grown from a lot and have had a lot of problems but all couples do.
We aren't perfect and sometimes she does yell at me, and gets upset, but after awhile we apologize.
she is 23 and i'm 24 btw.
another thing is find out what your partner really likes and what relaxes them. certain movies for me trigger a relaxing state, and songs.
its always important for them not to feel one-sided though. always give back what they give, always.
and people with bpd like me, trust me i know it's fucking hard but you also have to help yourself and not count on this person to solve all your shit for you.
remember to think, "i need to grow up, I can't act this way, I need to be civil"
it's all about respect
>>17077270
>My partner has BPD.
Leave. You're going to get hurt, the love you think you feel will only make it worse.
I have BPD. It all really depends on the person. I'm in a good relationship now with someone who wants the same things I do. I was in a a relationship with someone who put on all the time and lied constantly about the dumbest small shit, and told me things about his past that made me understand how trustworthy he was as a person and that he was honestly a piece of shit. The things he did aggravated my problems further and made me feel crazy every day. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to separate from him because I would be alone again if I did that and the thought of being abandoned, even by a shit, was terrifying. I used him for personal comfort, but I can say that he did the same for me - interacting with me was a chore but showing me off and telling people about his cool new girlfriend was just fine. Until I was present.
With my current boyfriend, he is very busy with two jobs and cannot always give me the attention I desperately crave. But I trust that he cares and want him to continue earning the extra money for important things. We spend time together when we can. He is patient and not always ogling or chasing after women who had no interest in him or didnt exist like my ex. I didn't respect him and it made me resentful because by my personal principles, he was a scumbag. He didn't respect me either.
Everyone has issues of their own. The main thing is finding someone who is compatible to you. Others may disagree about dating BPD people, but even without therapy or medicine I am doing a lot better now that I am in a relationship with someone who actually understands my feelings and does not purposefully manipulate me knowing that I will react. You have to be able and willing to work together on problems that both of you have, not simply wanting things to go a certain way or no dice. That is a healthy relatonship, even if one or both have mental issues.
Give it time, show respect, but don't lose your respect for yourself.
>>17080528
bless this post
Not that I want to get diagnosed by anons on the internet, but if anyone is still around who's dealt directly with BPD, I have a couple questions.
I cant quite figure it out but there is something wrong me mentally. Been on and off antidepressants and they haven't done shit. Looked up BPD. I have a lot of the symptoms like being extremely impulsive and mood swings, isolation, etc. But many of the people ITT mentioned manipulation and fear of abandonment. Is that a main symptom of BPD? I prefer being alone most of the time and don't consider myself someone who manipulates or uses people like tools. I have a couple friends who only come to me when they want to vent about real shit. I try to be there for people, but Ive also noticed I tend to hurt people with my lack of empathy, or just in general my mood shifts and I go off the radar for a few days. Haven't been in a relationship in a few years so I can't give any insight into that (mostly because I've been trying to get my shit together, and also insecurity). Wanted thoughts before I went to get an actual diagnosis if this sounds like BPD to anyone
>>17077270
Leave, Leave, Leave, Leave. I was in a relationship with a BPD person and even though they did love me it was the most traumatizing relationship or series of events to happen in my life. Leave they will never ever change no matter the level of treatment, trust me.
>>17082564
You mean the relationship was a series of events or that the relationship was the start of a series of bad events because I'm a bit worried now?
>>17080020
So, hypothetically, what would happen if two bpds started dating each other?
>>17077746
initial?
>>17077317
Its possible it could help, but its probably going to take a long time if he wasn't seriously treated when he was younger. I have BPD. Leaving him is a pretty good idea.
>>17077270
>>17078297
My personal experience, as a sufferer of BPD, is that after 10 years I've barely managed, after a few failed relationships, currently in a new one, to stop myself from hurting my partner and trying to manipulate him. I relatively tamed down that emotional abusiveness.
That's barely the only progress I've made. I'm taking meds, maybe I still need to find the right ones but oh my, the mood swings have NEVER stopped. Sometimes I'm calmer, but it doesn't last. My boyfriend need only seem slightly irritated towards me and it's enough to throw me in a downward spiral of - I am irremediably unlovable, everyone is my enemy, I'm alone in the world and cornered, he doesn't love me, he's not the person I thought he was- utter disappointment, sadness and despair.
The emotional hell and roller-coaster do feel incurable, I'm afraid. And this makes me also suicidal, self-harming and generally miserable.
>>17082930
When did you start treatment (therapy/meds)? And at what age were you diagnosed?
