My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years, living together for two. It hasn't always been roses, but we love each other and we're willing to try to get better at communicating blah blah blah.
But last month his brother died and it's sent him in to this existential crisis, one that I did not handle well. It seems so obvious what a shit bag I was being now, but I didn't even notice it at the time. He wanted to start going out a lot more and he works in the morning and I work at night so we don't see each other as is. I was giving him a hard time about not seeing each other. I didn't realize how much he needed to be going out.
Anyway we got in to a fight and he left. I was a mess, hysterically crying on the floor and he just walked around me and left. He came back the next day and said he needed time to figure himself out after his brother died. I offered him a month and he took it.
It's been less than a week and I feel like I'm dying. I throw up anything I even try to eat. I'm in a constant state of such high anxiety I don't know how much longer I can take it. I feel that if he wants to be with me it won't take him a whole month to figure it out.
I just want to know if it sounds like I should be moving on or should I be holding out hope? And how to deal with the physical symptoms of heartbreak?
>>17070764
Let me get this straight. You treated him like crap and he asked you for a month and after a week you feel like moving on?
By all means then, do him a favor and let him find someone who actually appreciates him.
>>17070764
you sound like spoiled little brat. Its all about you isnt it? Your bf was depressed after his brother died and you were givng him crap because he didnt pay as much attention to you.
Fuck you bitch
>>17070774
I wouldn't say like crap. I just wanted to spend time together. And no I don't want to move on. I want more than anything for him to come home. I miss him so much it's making me physically ill. I'm just scared I'm sitting at home crying and throwing up and he's out there having the time of his life and I don't want to prolong feeling like this for a month if at the end of it he's just going to break it off. I'd rather find out sooner than later.
>>17070778
Yeah I'm not proud of it. I just wish I had a second chance to be different. I was really great right after he died. I was like super girlfriend for him and his family. But he wasn't talking about it and he wouldn't say "I want to spend time with my family because I'm sad". It was more like "I'm going out and I don't give a fuck what you have to say about it". He always had a temper but this has just sent him over the top.
It's just hard because I've taken so much shit from him. I have forgiven him for everything he's ever done to me, which is a lot. I am just so unconditional when I am in love. And no guy I've ever dated has been the same way. I just want to be loved back the way that I love.
>>17070787
>>17070793
Why would you leave this put of the OP? This kinda changes it.
>>17070826
*out of the OP
>>17070774
>first post
Best post.
>>17070826
Yeah well I guess reminiscing I haven't been remembering the bad parts. I may be a little crazy sometimes but he calls me names, throws things, and he's put his hands on me a few times. And as pathetic as it is I'm ok with that. I'm willing to work through it. But it just seems he doesn't want to be with me.
And it sucks. When I met him he was a loser. He was living in his dads basement, doing drugs, and working 15 hours a week. Now he has a nice apartment, a good job, a car. And I helped him do all of that. But now he's saying he needs time away from me to "figure things out". He's talking about living on his own or going to college. And it infuriates me because it's not like he was doing those things before we were together. But now all of the sudden that I've gotten him on his feet he's too good for me.
>>17070779
>I just want
>I want more
>I miss him
>I'm just scared
>I don't want
>I'd rather find
>>17070787
>I just wish
>I was really
>I was like
>>17070793
>I've taken so much shit
>I
>I
>I
>btw did I mention myself yet?
Gee I wonder why he gets sick of your shit and storms off. All that ontop of the pain of having a family member ripped away from you.
What about him OP?
Fucking women.
Call him. Apologize. Don't lose your head; be calm. If you want, ask him if he wants to hang out. Just chill for a bit maybe, like friends.
>>17070840
I'm posting on an anonymous online forum about my feelings. Obviously it's going to be about me.
>>17070853
Must be nice being this stupid. Not once in your OP did you mention trying to help your partner in anyway. All you want is to bring him home so -you- can feel better, not because you give a shit about him.
It seems like he realises how selfish you are. Maybe it's about time you realise it as well.
>>17070848
But I told him I'd give him a month of no contact. We've talked a couple times since then but just about logistics really. Like he had some packages and I told him they were here. But I think I want to talk to him at the two week mark. I just have no idea if he's missing me the way I miss him or if he's getting more and more over me as each day passes. I don't want to wait a whole month just to be broken up with.
>>17070860
This whole "giving him a month" thing is the thing I'm trying to do to make him feel better. It's no small thing. What else am I supposed to do during this time to make him feel better? I'm not calling or texting him like we agreed. What else is there?
>>17070853
You have to learn the hard way that you can't just step on peoples' emotions especially after a brother died.
Are you an only child or something? Do you not have a heart?
>>17070870
Bitch don't act like you 'gave' him a month out of the goodness of your heart. That is a scapegoat after the fact that you were:
>giving him a hard time
and
>got in to a fight and he left
>it's no small thing
Don't try and make yourself out to be the victim here. If you were a good partner in the first place you wouldn't have to bribe him with a cooling off period before he threw you out the door.
What you should be doing is sending an apology, begging him to forgive you, and getting your head out of your ass.
>>17070877
Like I said I wasn't aware of how bad it was. I wouldn't say I was stepping on his emotions. He was just angry and yelling and never wanted to be around me. I took it personally. But I want to get better. I'm trying to take this time to get better. But I'm not going to be able to last if I keep feeling the way I've been feeling. Hence me trying to get some comfort so I don't end up texting him and fucking up the whole agreement I'm trying to do for him.
>>17070793
if he wasn't returning that love in the 3 years you've been together, what the fuck were you doing with him? should've dumped him in year 1 if he wasn't returning those gestures by then.
but your bf lost someone important to him forever, and you need to try to understand that it's not about you during this time. i guess your bf figured out about how you've demonstrated yourself to being incredibly self-centered about a situation that is rightfully about him and is now left wondering if he's better off without you.
if you want your boyfriend back, you have to set aside your needs and tell him you're there for him and apologize for your bullshit, and really try to be there for him. make him his favorite dinners, do his chores, ask him if he's ok, listen to what he has to say, be gentle and kind, etc.
if it's more about you and how you feel like you've never been loved by him as much as you loved him, do each other a favor and leave him. but make sure you tell him it's because you're a selfish shit, you don't want to pile any more agony into his life
>>17070883
Do you think an apology is the right thing or just waiting? I think he'll be upset with me if I try to talk to him now because I told him I wouldn't.
>>17070890
And he was returning it. Not all the time but enough of it to make me happy. And I want to do all those things for him but he's gone. And not knowing if he's going to come home or not is killing me. I want to like force an answer out of him sooner but I have a feeling if I do that the answer will be no.
>>17070839
>and he's put his hands on me a few times
Okay, then it's time to move on. And that's coming from the guy who first replied to you.
His brother died and all you could think of was yourself. He wanted to be able to deal with his grief and you gave him shit for not pandering to your selfishness.
You are a legitimately terrible person.
You have to realize that the thought of you probably isn't going to come into question at the moment; you are a triviality to him. He may have been dating you for 3 years, but he's known his brother his whole life and now he's dead. His life has happened in its entirety and is complete,there is no more potential for what his brother can accomplish. And all he can think about is replaying all the heart-tugging memories and lament the time he spent away from him when he could have known him better. You pale in the shadow of his brothers importance to him. Stand back and get some perspective. Family deaths are one of the biggest roadblocks in life and as a partner it was necessary, not for your relationship but for his mental and emotional well-being to help him through that. There is no guide for this process,everyone grieves differently and has a different relationship with their families - but rest assured your poor handling of the situation is valid grounds to leave you for good. How else do you think he now expects you to react if he stayed with you throughout life while the rest of the people he loves die around him? You can't just say you'll learn from it, that is not a risk you can expect a sane man to make.
He will likely not come back to you. Every effort you make to reconnect,at least in the next little while,will repulse you further in his eyes. Leave him be. I think it sounds like you have a lot of unfinished business between you and this will not be the last time you've seen him. But the ball is in his court and he is the one who must come back to you, if he ever does at all, and not the other way round.
>>17070764
You need to let him be alright with himself before he can be alright with you. You see what I mean?
>>17070901
>I think he'll be upset with me if I try to talk to him now because I told him I wouldn't
That didn't stop you from being a cunt before did it? Now all of a sudden you care about being primp and proper? You're full of shit.
>>17070906
You believe that shit? Grasping for victim straws here.
>>17070923
Okay well thanks for all your help. Go take your woman hating somewhere else.
>>17070920
This was actually helpful. And it's most accurate. In your opinion would leaving him a letter in the apartment (which he comes to often for clothes and stuff) be breaching our agreement?
>>17070923
Well, I don't actually know her so I guess I'll have to take her word for it. If she's lying about that then she's more of a cunt than I originally thought.
I want to keep faith in humanity. I want to believe she wouldn't lie about something like that.
>>17070938
It's not an agreement you have, nothing in relationships should work like a contract like that. It is in poor etiquette in your position to make the first move towards communicating, in any media whatsoever. Letters, face to face, social media, through friends - he must make the first move, you must hand him control.
>>17070764
I don't give a shit about your problems. I do hope that the guy in your picture went to jail and was raped repeatedly.
>>17070764
You sound like a self-centered cunt and probably are one. I hope he moves on and finds someone better than you.
