>>17060452

Just break up with her.

>>17060459
Why? I do love her. I could never do that. I do love her, I just don't understand why I do this.

>>17060452
>emotionally abuse
no such thing

>>17060471

Uh, well you make feel that chemical connection in your brain because you're addicted to "love" but if you really loved someone you wouldn't abuse them in some way.

So, break up, it's not hard.

>>17060452
I'm not sure how to give you advice for this, other than to realize that if you continue doing this, she will either:
- leave you
- stay and be miserable as you chip away at her emotional stability

Try not to say anything when you're angry. Wait, take a breather, just hold off until you feel calmer. You say you love her, and I'm not automatically doubting you or calling you a liar. However, you need to make sure your actions reflect your feelings. If I was with someone who always threatened to leave me over anything I did wrong, I would be in a very emotionally unhealthy place, and I would always worry that he would leave me for real. I wouldn't feel like he actually cared about me.

>>17060471
You don't love her. You love the power you have over her.

>>17060483
I make threats and even promise myself and her I won't threaten like that again but then I get so frustrated that I say something I don't mean.
Then I panic because I can't just take back what I've said and it leads to me not wanting to talk for a day or 2, which hurts her.

>>17060497
It's like..she says something and then I convince myself there's a fundamental flaw in her character or something..
Like I find a flaw, really, and then get angry at her about it.

She left like 40 messages and calls on my phone yesterday saying to please respond, that she doesn't understand what she did wrong and wants to talk to me again, but part of me feels like I just want to make a point so she respects me and never walks all over me or something. I know it's childish and immature.

NOW I just want to put it behind me but I know that if I call her or try to get in contact, she'll go off for a while about how much it hurt her and I'll feel even worse, so I'm just avoiding it...

>>17060504
You need to take responsibility for your actions. Calling her, and apologizing for the way you treated her, would be a major step in changing. It would also be a step in improving your communication skills, which is one of the biggest ways to keep a happy relationship.

>>17060500
I do love her.

My parents did the same thing to me my whole life. They constantly told me things like they were going to get a divorce now, getting rid of my college funds or cutting me off from my tuition or pulling me out of school despite perfect grades to go to a military school, but then didn't follow through like 98% of the time. They are still together.

I didn't want to do the same thing to my fiancee, ever, but I can feel myself doing it because it feels like the only way she listens to me and respects me.

>>17060500
No. I do love her.

>>17060452
Try admitting what you did, letting her know it was wrong as clearly as possible, asking what you can do to make it better, and then giving her permission to call you out on it when you do it again. Because you will. It's not going to magically, quietly disappear, but will be a process.

It is the most effective way. Everything else you do to avoid those steps is just showing how much more you value saving your face over your healthy relationship with your soon to be wife.

>>17060515
>>17060520

But I'm scared because this happened 1 other time and I promised I wouldn't do this again.

And I'm also worried because if I give in to her, I'm worried she'll just walk all over me for the rest of my relationship. I want to be happy and put this behind me, but now I feel like she'll never take me seriously again if I do it.
i.e. if I ever threaten again, it won't carry any weight. I don't want that. I want my words to be taken seriously..

>>17060517
Ohhhh childhood stuff. I'd highly recommend going with her to a therapist. They can really help you figure out why you feel like the way you currently treat her is the only way to get her to listen and respect you, as well as help you change how you guys handle conflicts.

I'm curious as to why you think making threats but not following through with them makes you think she'll respect you. I wouldn't respect empty threats.

>>17060528
>if I ever threaten again, it won't carry any weight
You could always not threaten your partner. That's an option.

>>17060530
For example, when she said originally that she didn't want to take my last name, we argued about it and I said something like well then I don't want to marry you either.

Then, eventually, she got really upset that I had said that, kind of broke down, and gave in and agreed to change her name.
I know it's wrong to use that kind of power (I've never had that kind of power before) and I'm not used to it at all..and I also know that if I keep doing it she'll grow very resentful and blow up and create other problems.

But that's an example.

>>17060525
this desu tbqhfam

>>17060535
In an argument, if someone caves in like that, there's the perfect environment for resentment and contempt to grow. Every time you threaten to not marry her, and every time she backs down because she loves you and wants to be with you, the resentment grows. And nothing kills love faster than resentment

>>17060528

We're on your side. You're on the side against yourself. Take our advice, it's the right way. Stop listening to your scared and proud self, we all see impending disaster down that road

>>17060544
But I really don't want to get married to someone who won't take my last name. It's important to me.

Am I just not used to not getting my way? Should I just lighten up and accept that she's going to make choices like this I don't like?

The big, big 3 things right now are:
1. I want her to take my last name OR at the very least combine our names and I'll take hers as well, so long as we have the same last name
2. I want to have a joint bank account after we are married with no personal account and secret, hidden finances. I realize most people don't do it this way but this is a major sticking point for me.
3. I want her to take her birth control pills for at least 8 months after the wedding. She wants to have a baby as soon as possible and is convinced that the pills will ruin her body and make it less safe to have them in the future, which I claim is not true and that she'll be fine. She tells me I should get a vasectomy if I really think that and then get it put back when we decide to have kids, and that's when the arguing begins.

>>17060551
Ok, I am listening. I can see why you're right. I'll take your advice.

What's up with picture of the Tivoli OP?

>>17060452
you should switch to physical stuffs, this might backfire and she could be fucking the mail men and delivery boys on these two days.

>>17060452

You're never going to be happy with her because you don't respect her.

You'll emotionally abuse her, she'll cower, you'll have less respect for her...then hate YOURSELF for staying with someone so pathetic.

How long will you be in this relationship where you yourself have 0% chance of being happy?

Joke's on you, retard.

>>17060504
If she didn't respect you she wouldn't put up with your bullshit and be trying so hard to get you back. This women clearly idolizes you. I think your own insecurities won't allow you to see that.

>>17060562
Saw it on a different board and I like it, that's all.
>>17060566
Sorry what are you saying?
Physical stuffs? You mean I should have more sex?

>>17060571
I'm happy almost all the time with her. Really. This happens rarely as the result of an argument but to say I'm not happy when I'm with her is just not true.

>>17060573
I think you're right.

>>17060579
>I'm happy almost all the time with her. Really. This happens rarely as the result of an argument but to say I'm not happy when I'm with her is just not true.

You abuse her because you don't respect her. By abusing her and she puts up with it, this emboldens you and also causes less respect / more disdain from you.

Think over time, argument over argument; can't you seeing yourself getting MORE abusive?

Well how's that going to end up? Say, in 5 years? 10?

What a fucking disaster.

This is why mutual respect is a key aspect of a healthy relationship.

No respect, no healthy relationship.

>>17060452
Reading through this OP i can guarantee you this marriage will not work. This is not what either of you need.

You need to know when to accept things. This isn't about putting in effort or goinng to therapy. You two are actually going to ruin each others lives with the gradual build up of animosity between you two.

You want a women that your fiancee isn't and she puts up with you because she thinks it'll get better. You're both naive here. Just cut your losses.

>>17060556
You're a faggot for having those 'requirements' and should find someone who will willingly go along with them instead of this poor girl. Not only that, but you clearly said that these are your "right now" requirements. Who's to say that these won't change next week? You cannot force someone to do anything, unless through manipulation or coercion. However, that seems to be exactly what you are doing to her.

You have already chipped away at her self esteem enough that she feels as if you are the best she can get.

Yes, you are a child in these respects because you have manipulated somebody else into believing that catering to your every whim and bending to your beliefs are acceptable things for a human being to do.

>>17060579
It doesn't matter if you are 'happy with her most of the time' when this is what you do when you are unhappy with her. I was in an abusive relationship and rationalized my behavior and that of my partner's because it "didn't happen THAT often".

This is an unhealthy relationship and both of you will need separate counseling to get through it. You to fix your emotional instabilities, her to fix the damage you have inflicted to her self-esteem.

Have fun.

>>17058293
Is this you, too?

>>17060517
Yep, you need some serious therapy. Go fucking get it.
And apologize to her. Often.

And make sure that when you're ready, you let your parents know that their deep character flaws and god-awful parenting caused you serious problems, and that you're going to avoid those in your own relationships. Resolving these things and getting closure helps a lot (for you, not them, they may not understand at all). You really have to end the cycle and bury their bullshit in the past, where it belongs.

>>17060556
>3. I want her to take her birth control pills for at least 8 months after the wedding. She wants to have a baby as soon as possible and is convinced that the pills will ruin her body and make it less safe to have them in the future, which I claim is not true and that she'll be fine. She tells me I should get a vasectomy if I really think that and then get it put back when we decide to have kids, and that's when the arguing begins.
You can use other methods of birth control btw. Copper IUDs are effective if she doesn't want hormones, and most methods can be combined with condoms for extra protection.
If you do get a vasectomy, get your sperm banked first in case you can't reverse it successfully due to complications.

>Should I just lighten up and accept that she's going to make choices like this I don't like?
Yes, or you will not be able to have a successful marriage. It involves a TON of sacrifice and compromise.

>>17060597
Actually it sounds workable if OP fixes his issues, since they've obviously survived a lot of struggle and pain so far (the best indicator of how likely they are to survive it in the future). Few marriages are actually compatible, and behavior like OP is describing (and that his parents taught him) is practically universal in many countries.

>>17060659
No, that's not me.

>>17060667
I want to comment on what you've said.
>They've obviously survived a lot of struggle and pain so far.
We have been physically apart for 10 months and trying to file immigration for her to get here. We went through a lot to try and make this work and have worked really hard for this relationship.
Just wanted to add that.
I am reading the rest of what you've said and others as well.

>>17060667
My point is just that OPs behavior isn't fair and a lack of empathy in a marriage is killer. If you have even the slightest doubt going into a marriage then that should be a huge red flag. You're just settig yourself up for failure.

In regards to other countries, many countries don't have divorce laqs or they're very difficult (globally not just the west). Here there's a lot of support and pressure for women in relationships like OPs to gtfo. The moment she breaks OP will have the smallest window to fix it.

>>17060667
On a side note, the idea of getting a vasectomy is terrifying to me. I will not do that.

We do want kids early, but I just wanted her to wait 8 months at least from the marriage.
And condoms...I've used condoms plenty of times, I know I can. It's just not as pleasurable and it costs some money and you have to remember it and the biggest thing is just that I feel strange wearing condoms after I've been married.

If I understand right..IUDs last for years. We don't want that either.

She just hates that she feels like it's always her sacrificing things, but from my perspective I don't feel like it's that way at all.

I feel like if I pay the bills, I should get to control whether we have a joint vs. separate bank accounts.

But then she says things like "well..what are you going to do if I say no?" And I hate that question. Because the answer is nothing. I can't do anything if she refuses to take birth control apart from refraining to have sex with her, which obviously isn't the answer.
Her asking me that question enough times led to the "well I won't marry you then" thing. That's what it was...


Honestly though, what am I supposed to do?
When I ask her to do something and she says "what are you going to do if I don't do it?" I have nothing to say.

>>17060659
No that is me
Was recommended this thread

When I ask her to do something and she says "what are you going to do if I don't do it?" I have nothing to say.

What am I supposed to do?

>>17060696
It sounds like both of you could improve your communication.

The way I would go about it is for both of you individually to make a list of what you want. Then you negotiate a compromise that is satisfactory for both parties. If both of you give up a few points she shouldn't feel that she's the only one sacrificing things.

If you can't reach a compromise the relationship is probably not going to go very well no matter what you do.

>>17060696
Great, so you're both manipulative assholes. Advice remains the same, get out of the relationship and fix yourself.

>>17060722
I like this idea.


How exactly should I respond to >>17060708 though?
It's like her "trump" card because I can't say anything to it. It's like a child saying "what's you gonna do about it?"

I want to tell her that when she says that, it feels like I'm being manipulated and it's bad for our relationship.

Would that be wrong off me?

>I'm trying to stop

Dude, if you have that little control over your actions that you can't suppress your abusive behavior, you should probably see a professional. That's pretty abnormal.

Also, reading the thread, it seems like you treat your relationship like it's a trap. Like you're terrified of her getting some sort of upper hand on you. It should be a partnership, not a struggle.

You need to apologize, then you need to get some sort of counseling. You need some serious self-reflection here.

>>17060752
>it feels like I'm being manipulated and it's bad for our relationship
You could say that. Simply stating how you feel is generally a good idea in this sort of discussion.

When she says that it's the equivalent of saying "the negotiation has failed, we haven't reached a compromise". When you start the negotiation it has to be clear to both of you that the relationship won't work unless you make this compromise happen. This shouldn't be used like a threat for emotional manipulation, it's just a fact.

She should grow the balls and leave your abusive ass. Do you beat her too? Where do you draw the line, what haven't you told us? If she's worthless she'll stay with a loser like you.
Abuse toward women really gets my goat. I wish I knew you I'd straight up ruin your life.

>>17060801
Enough. I would never hit her or beat or anything like that. I'm not like that. She is absolutely not worthless, she is a wonderful woman.

>>17060813
I absolutely don't believe you and she sounds like a fucking idiot for staying with a jerk like you. You haven't said anything redeeming about yourself, so it's obviously your hang up, not her. People make mistakes but if you fly off the handle at her like that then you're a real scumbag.
You obviously don't love her enough to treat her right, you clearly don't respect her.
Congrats. You're a real gentleman. If you love her, you'd either see a therapist about your problems or you should just flat out kill yourself.

>>17060833
Dude, fucking relax. oP wants to change. People can change, but it isn't easy.

First OP just have a talk with her. Tell her you know you've been treating her poorly, and apologize. Tell her the things you know you're doing wrong, and then ask her if there is anything else specifically to work on. Tell her to let you know when you start acting this way again, then the hard part happens

When she tells you you're being a dick you can either double down and continue being a dick, you can deny it,or you can apologize and do whatever you have to do to get ahold of yourself.

After you catch yourself a few times, you will be able to identify when you're losing control, and you will be able to stop the chain off vents sooner and sooner. It's not easy to look at the ugliest part of yourself close enough to change, but if you want it bad enough, and if she is worth it, you can do it.

Try self help books.

>>17060833
I believe in OP.
It looks like he has good intentions but just doesn't know how to handle the situation. He feels misunderstood and doesnt know what to do, and then lashes out. This is very salvageable if OP gets his act together.

>>17060452
That's how it's supposed to be. The man is king. You don't want to be a whipped beta that wouldn't have a problem with your woman fucking other guys do you? Keep her in check. Women are children so you have to treat them that way.

>>17060884
AWW you're right! Just because OP took the time to post on 4chan means he's really trying hard! Good job OP! 4chan is full of reputable folks who know exactly what they're talking about.
Shut the fuck up and stop defending that asshole. I know people like him and there's no fixing it. He's a jerkoff, and probably will be for the rest of his (hopefully short) life. He's best off ending the relationship just to save her. He's fucked and nobody will ever love him unless they're brainwashed like she is.
I bet he actually does physically abuse her and I can assume he also cheats too.
People like him are all the same and I for one am sick of seeing people like you showing sympathy towards them.

>>17060452
How you give me advice and tell me how you do it and why it works?

How sexy is she? What's her hair color, eye color, figure and color of skin? These are important details that might help me to give you the best advice. In fact, since you can get away with anything, post a pic.

>>17060944
Sorry, what was that?

>>17060961
What are you talking about?
She's beautiful, very sexy, and I love her with all my heart.
Can't tell if this is sarcastic.

>>17060912
I do not cheat and would never physically abuse her at all.

I am listening to the people that gave advice above you.

Not sure if I'm just entertaining trolls by responding at this point though.

>>17060975
Hope about you give me advice and tell me how you do it. Give me more examples.

>>17061011
*how

>>17060975
That's nice, now make with those pics

>>17061011
Ok, see >>17060504:

>I make threats and even promise myself and her I won't threaten like that again but then I get so frustrated that I say something I don't mean.
Then I panic because I can't just take back what I've said and it leads to me not wanting to talk for a day or 2, which hurts her.

And here: >>17060535
>when she said originally that she didn't want to take my last name, we argued about it and I said something like well then I don't want to marry you either.

>>17061050
I'm not posting pictures of her online. She wouldn't like that and I wouldn't either.

Why would it possib her eye color, hair color, etc.?

>>17061060
**possibly help to know

>>17061060
>she wouldn't like it
No she only thinks she won't. Just say you'll dump her if she has a problem with it.

>>17060452
They prolly dont give a fuck lololoo

>>17060912
People can change if they want to, and admitting that you have a problem is the very first step, a step most assholes refuse to take.

Your posts REEK of butthurt. Someone hurt you before, we get it, but youre just as bad as all the mysoginists on this board who say every woman is a worthless slut.

You have your own issues to work on and you shouldn't be giving advice.

>>17061080
Also I've had enough experiences with women to know how they act by just looking at them. I'm an expert at this

Wow, OP. If you don't want a baby you can go ahead and use condoms for 8 months if it's so important to you. Telling a girl what to put in her body, you're treating her like livestock.

You sound really unreasonable. Definitely therapy.

>>17061097
Who the fuck are you? Get out of here

>>17060452
I used to do this to my dad, I could get away with it because I lived with my mum and he was desperate to see me. Focus on her good aspects and what she does for you and imagine how you'd feel if it were her doing it to you.

If you can't do these things then break it off, you're preventing her from being happy.

>>17061105
Come over here and make me, faggot.