I'm 30, and I've had 21 years of crippling suicidal thoughts. 2 suicide attempts, 1 where I threw myself in front of a trailer, 1 where I hanged myself. Broke some bones, and got up both times after a short stay at the hospital. I genuinely tried this thing you call life after being constantly reminded since I was 10 that "it only gets better" or some basic shit like that. My friends are gone, my wife is in the mental hospital, and will never be ok again it seems. I'm jumping from the bridge, and it'll surely kill me on impact, but I wanted to ask you all something: If you had 1 million dollars which I currently have, is there anything you'd do before you die? I can't think of 1 thing. I could just let my sister have it. What would you do?
Just have a great vacation man go out with a bang.
Let someone else have it. If you are so unable to enjoy things you can't think of anything you'd like to do with that much money, it probably just isn't worth anything to you.
Also, don't kill yourself. Also, why "one million dollars"? That really just casts doubt on your post. Try harder next time.
>>17041956
See anon, I never ever had a suicidal though for more than few seconds. Even when I fucked badly few times in my life.
But I guess it is thanks to my "average" family and my ability to think before it is too late. So here am I, thinking how stable am I, even though I have never had to stand against something really traumatizing. To me you look like another weak suicidal anon.
>What do you do with money?
I would use them to keep living.
>>17041956
Buy a poor anon on 4chan some steam games then give the rest to hobos etc
can I post now or will it still be error
>>17041956
Something about the one million dollars makes this sound like a movie pitch.
If it's not, I'd say use the million dollars to live comfortably for a while. Live it up a little and get yourself certain luxuries you otherwise wouldn't waste money. Maybe take a trip to somewhere far away from it all. Someplace serene and quiet where you can think. Maybe you'll change your mind and maybe you won't. But, you owe yourself the opportunity for one last double check.
>>17041977
I went to Amsterdam with a girl I've known for 6 years. We did some coke, smoked some weed. Played cards in the park and went basically everywhere in Amsterdam. We walked 5 metric miles the first day, so we saw alot. It just felt like a clishè tho. I mean, it felt like when you're at a club, and they're playing music at 120 db while pople right next to you are shouting: "WOO! SPIRITS WIIIIIOO". The only thing I want to do is to get away from those people, and it felt the same in Amsterdam as it does here.
>>17041978
Someone else will have it. I think it'll go to my sister I guess. I know it sounded like bs when I wrote it, but remember I've worked since I was 15, and I've worked in Norway. Our pay are top tier, even at crappy jobs. I had good ones tho. I just estimated my properties at that value if I sold them, and my car. I'd probably get more, but "1 million dollars" seems say to say I'd get.
>>17041990
Seems like a good thing to do, but that doesn't really answer anything tho. I probably look weak since I havn't told a small fraction of the things I've been apart of, but I'm just really tired. It just feels like you want to sleep constantly. I kind of want to go back to the 90's I guess. This seems like the age of zombies, at least it seems that way in my country. People don't even talk to eachother, and they have to agree 2 weeks in advance before they can meet.
>>17042010
I could say 1 103 552 if that makes it better? I'm not exactly sure what my houses are worth, but surely over 1 m dollars. I live in a villa, so I live comfy. It is constantly quiet anywhere I go, so it's easy to think about my decisions. I've had a great life all in all. I just wanted to check if there could be something fun I could that I hadn't thought about.
>>17042006
We don't have hobos here in Norway. I could buy steam games, but that just really boring in my opinion. I don't see any fun in doing that.
>>17041956
Maybe try something extreme like bungee jumping, or bull riding. I don't know, if you're fed up with the whole life thing maybe shove some adrenaline down your throat and really push yourself to the extent of what the human body can do. What's there to lose?
>>17042056
That's actually a good idea. Adrenaline. I should rob a bank and see if I'd get away from it. If I couldn't, I'd just shoot at the cops (intentinally missing them) and it'd be over in a bang. Well, it might fuck up that cop tho, I don't want anyone to get mentally damaged by my idiocy. We're on to something at least.
>>17041956
You could do adrenaline without intentionally harming or taking away from others. Just cause you're suicidal doesn't mean you should be a self-pitying dickhead. Just push your body to do something it's never done before if you're so sick of your mind.
>>17042140
I'm not self pitying at all, I can't see where I wrote anything that was even close to me trying to gain any pity. I would not intentionally harm others like you said neighter, so I don't see where you got that from?
I just want ideas, or at least an idea. I'm stuck on the last thing I could do. If there is nothing I want to do, I have lived a good life, right?
More or less
>>17042017
You completely missed the good spots in Amsterdam. You mediocre native tourist... Atleast you didn't hire a MacBike
>>17042020
Give it to the best science you can find. Give it to 'humanity'. Do some research on who can excitedly make a good difference in the world and invest in your species!
>>17042157
Well, we asked the natives what we should or could do, so they directed us to some place called the "louigje" or some shit. A top tier meat restaurant, so we ate the best stakes ever there. We went to a shop and got some amnesia, then we went to the dog park where we played some cards while we looked at the dogs playing. (we're both dog persons). We went all over the city drinking beers and talked with people from all over the world, and I must say the americans are really sweet. I looked at the prostitutes, but it just looked sad. Like a dog in a cage waiting for it's owner to give it some snacks. Some dude walked passt us fast and said: "coke?" we ran after him and got some of course. I liked Amsterdam, but it wouldn't be someplace I'd visit more than once. It's pretty, but full of scams and liars it seems. The natives were really nice tho.
>>17042161
I'd rather just let my sister have it. It would be really cool if I could see her reaction going from a debt full single mom to millionaire. I wonder what she'd do. She'd probably use most of the money on retarded shit like clothes, shoes and trips to tourist traps like spain.
>>17041956
i'd make an organization to help people that are sick so that i know where my money goes. it is very self fulfilling.
>>17041956
I understand anon. I've wanted to do it since I was 11. No "light at the end of the tunnel" yet.
>my wife is in the mental hospital
Then you can't kill yourself yet, it would be wrong. She needs you.
>If you had 1 million dollars which I currently have, is there anything you'd do before you die? I can't think of 1 thing. I could just let my sister have it. What would you do?
First of all, i'd make sure everyone even remotely dependent on me is cared for.
Would make some kind of trust fund to pay for college for my brothers.
Would pay off the mortgage on my parents' house.
Would also leave some extra to various family in case my judgement is less-than-stellar and they end up needing it for whatever reason.
After that, would probably give the rest to various charities, those with relevant causes (that may be able to someday prevent this situation from happening in the future, such as those focused on mental health).
>>17042173
I don't know where you live, but 1 million dollars wouldn't help many where I live. 10 yeah, that could help loads- but not with only 1.
>>17042051
>Dont have hobos in norway
>>17042181
There is no point. Have you ever gone to sleep comforting your wife that speaks non stop about everything but nothing at the same time? Nothing she said had any meaning behind her words. After 2 days of no sleep, I shouted at her, just 1 fucking sentence. "If you don't shut the fuck up, I'll die if I go work" (I worked in the coal mines then, if I didn't get any sleep, I could have done a big mistake and killed myself or others). She went silent for 30 minutes, not uttering a word until she started to say something, but she said: "no, he'll die. Don't."
This is the fun part: I woke up looking at her holding a knife. She didn't say anything or look at me. She was just sitting in a chair in our room holding it. I took it away from her and told her to wait until I'm done at work. I just wanted a break from her. I actually went to work that day. The retarded robot mind of mine went to work instead of getting her to a hospital at once. I came back to her gone of course, she had been awake for a week, and she had stolen a company car. Well, long story short, she's not getting better.
>>17042206
Maybe in Oslo? I havn't been there for years. We don't have them here at least. We don't have norwegian hobos, only rumenian or gypsies I guess. Norwegians are given money if they can't survive on their own. They get a great deal too, and housing- so being a hobo would make it a choice for them, not something they would become because they had to.
>>17042063
Or you might miss a cop and hit a toddler.
Suicidal self absorbed fuckwits do that sort of thing.
>>17042226
Not with blanks. Can't even hit a fly in front of the barrel. I don't even own a gun, and it'd take me probably half a year to get one unless I steal one.
>>17042220
...all that given to you and still suicidal, holy shit.
Just fuckin check out you waste.
>>17042230
Blanks are lethal up to 20 ft. Brandon Lee was killed by one on a movie set with qualified technicians around.
Also when some cretin starts firing blanks in public people scramble and fall through windows and down stairs.
It's a stupid miserable idea, face it.
>>17042232
Given to me? The money? If you think working in the coal mines right next to the north pole is "given to me", you need to think again. I've bled for my money, it didn't just come from thin air.
>>17042236
Yeah. I need a new idea, but it seems like it's either "do something you've done" or "do something that might harm someone else", so this seems pointless right now. Holy fucking hell, what if I bought a sailboat and just sailed the world? Meh, can't sail. I'd have to sell everything, buy a boat, learn how to sail, freeze, get wet, bleh bleh.
Fuck it. I'm giving it to my sister. Thanks for the advice.
>>17041956
Working in the coal mines by the north pole? Okay, this is a movie pitch. Classic main character disillusioned by the simple pleasures of life, desperate for something new, something that can give him one last ounce of purpose before he ends it all in spectacular fashion. But then, just before he blows it all on a failed bank heist, he remembers what's truly important: family. The final shot is at the sister's door, where an unassuming man with an envelope gives her the inheritance and a letter reading: "It turns out I already had a good enough life already. Go live yours." End Film. 2 nominations for sound design. Snubbed by Avatar 4.
>>17042297
I worked in Sveagruva. It's in Svalbard, pretty damn close to the north pole. 78 degrees north. https://no.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sveagruva
Does this really sound that weird?
No, just everything you've said about your life sounds like something out of a Hollywood movie
>>17042319
I don't see which part. The part where I've worked my ass off to gain properties, or the part where my wife went mentally ill?
>>17042248
You sound like a kid roleplaying.
>>17042329
I can assure you I'm not if that makes it better. Can I prove it to you somehow?
>>17042329
If you're speaking of the sailboat post, I can see how you'd think that. I wrote that one without thinking of the end result, it was supposed to be a hint post. "Here is a suggestion, give me more suggestions of how I could improve this idea", but nothing good came from that one.
The fact that when someone proposed you do something adrenaline-fueled you immediately took that to, "Ooh, I'll rob a bank! That's what you meant right? I'll try to shoot the policeman when he comes for me! Oh but that could be dangerous couldn't it?" makes you sound desperate for attention and only continuing the facade of your story to continue holding the attention of those of us still hanging around.
I'm not saying that's definitely the case, you could be completely genuine in how you're interpreting this advice, just that that's what it sounds like.
>>17041956
If you decide to keep on living
You could adopt a pet
Or if not (your wife will be sad)pay for someones medic or college
If you give it another try you should do some social service
Also please go to a psychiatric (please)
>>17042386
I never wrote I wanted to shoot any policemen. I don't scare easily, so I wouldn't get any adrenaline by jumping with a rubber rope tied to my ancles. I threw an idea out there, like doing something that could be fun to do, and robbing a bank would be exactly that. The cop shooting thing is taken from nowhere tho, I wouldn't ever harm anyone.
Did not know my life sounded like a hollywood movie. It seems like people on this site don't do much with their lives at all since I've only mentioned small details of my life, and it seems like the big things? I'm just tired, little bro. It's like I'm stuck in limbo, and I'm really bored of doing this thing. I don't see the big picture. Should I make more money, eat, sleep and do the whole routine for 35 more years? Should I find a new wife? It gets boring after awhile. If you have everything you need, and you can't find anything that really gives you pleasure anymore, why continue to do this? I surely don't see any good reason, and the money I've earned through my life would be better off if my sister or someone else had it. Don't you think?
Fuck sake, I shouldn't have written it as if I had that money, I should have just written: "If you had 1m, what would you use it on if you had cancer and would die soon". Well, being honest isn't really the norm on 4chin, so I know you'd suspect me for being full of it. By the way, again: I never said anything about shooting cops.
>>17042423
Hospital bills are free here, and college is pretty much free too. I decided a few posts back that it's best that I give it to my sister instead of some randoms.
>>17042423
I can't stand the thought of going to the psychiatrics, especially the up north. Talentless narcissistic swine that just throws out diagnosis about patients they've talked with once. Especially not if I had to stay there for ages. I've slept in psychiatric wards, and I've been with the patients that are usually there, and I must say it's creepy. One woman I usually meet is around 50, she always comes to hug me and calles me "Werner. Werner, it's been such a long time" and so on. I am not Werner, and I have no clue who he is, or if he even exists. Some of the others look like rapists, or something else. They assured me that they weren't harmful ill, but those eyes on them looked like rape eyes watching my wife. Fucking sickening. That's why I sleep alot over there even tho they have guards and locks on their doors.
>>17042433
>If you have everything you need, and you can't find anything that really gives you pleasure anymore, why continue to do this?
I do it because i can still help others. Even if i won't ever find personal happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, or any of that shit, at least I can die with a clear conscience, knowing that i gave everything i could until the last moment.
>>17042491
Usually inpatient treatment is reserved for those who can't function at all and/or are serious threats to themselves and others (eg your wife). You'd be getting treatment as for any other normal medical condition: seeing a doctor regularly (how often depends on the treatment plan, since some medications need routine blood tests for example, but generally not more than once every 2 weeks or so).
I'd strongly suggest going, since many psychological problems that cause things like anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure from food, sex, gambling, etc) are fixable (eg anhedonia is sometimes caused by dopamine system dysregulation, which can be crudely overridden with various drugs, and sometimes semi-permanently fixed in the long term).
>>17041956
It sounds like you reject any kind of help people offer you if it doesn't live up to your relatively high expectations.
I mean, yeah, hospitals are filled with people who need help, so they may seem frightening or unpleasant to others who judge them on that one dimensional level.
Therapists and the like can only do so much but they are trained to work off of the time they spend with patients and understand more about the inner workings of the human mind than you do.
It's not that help isn't out there, it's that you're choosing not to accept it because, I don't know, you deserve better, or you think you know better than anyone?
Do you honestly believe that the only people who choose to stay alive and live out the rest of their days are either shallow empty-headed sheep who don't recognize the futility of life or hapless buffoons who have never experienced hardships?
I mean, from personal experience, I know that life is futile and pointless. I recognize that the systems of standard day to day living are derivative and a waste of time. I have had periods where I've contemplated suicide and come back from it, recognizing the value of experiences. I've personally never seen a therapist, but that's in part because I was able to pull myself out of the darkness. Not everyone does. Not everyone can on their own.
>>17042510
I have helped others my whole life, so my conscience is clear. I do not have good experiences with psychiatrists, and I could say that I would contact one, but we both know that's would be a lie. I'd at best drive to the location where they work, then I'd go all apathetic like I always do, and just drive back home. I know what I should do and what I could do, but I won't do it. I don't know why, but when it comes close to doing something like that, my brain shuts off and I go do something else instead.
Well it seems you don't really need advice on anything else then. Hope this thread gave you something, even if it's just some frustration, something to feel.
>>17042518
I'm not really rejecting help because I think it's bad advice. I just know what could make me better, and what I should do. It's obvious that I should have talked with a psychiatrist ages ago, and that I should have done loads of things different, but like I said, I'm just really tired. Don't you think it's a beautiful thing tho? You will rest forever, it seems as the ultimate first price. I just wanted to know what you would do as a last thing in your life if you had the money to do it.
>>17042568
Yeah, I liked this thread. I calmed down a great deal, and am actually thinking of calling my sister to make her make me see a psychiatrist. If I do it alone, I'll just fuck right off at the first sign of a doctor. I'm so conflicted right now. I just want to rest, but I also want to see my wife get well again. Even tho she's cured, it wouldn't really be the same. I'd be a nervous wreck waiting for her next episode, and sleep with one eye open so I wouldn't get stabbed. Fuck that life. Rest instead.
>>17041956
It's on you man. Maybe that's the last thing you do, call your sister and tell her what's up. You can still plan to do it, but if she stops you, or if she gets you some kind of help beforehand... I mean, at that point it's up to fate to decide what happens.
