Someone please help me. I can't stop the cycle of self-hatred that goes on in my brain. I'm 25, live on my own, have a decent job; but for the past 10 years or so, I've developed a mentality of hating myself with a passion. It stems from being bullied ever since I was a little kid all the way up until high school when I basically went a little crazy and started trying to fight everyone.
I'm falling in love with someone at my work, but every time this happens I begin to come up with excuses in my own brain as to why they don't deserve me and why I'm a piece of garbage or not good enough, this in turn tears me up inside and I begin to despise my entire life and want to die because I feel I can never be with anyone. I have very few people I care about in this world and hate a LOT of people. It is so rare for me to feel like I'm falling in love (and I know the difference between a crush and love, I'm falling in love really bad) and I don't know what to do. I can't take anymore rejection, I feel like I could never live up to being with her because I self-sabotage myself. I don't feel good about myself. I barely have any hobbies anymore because I hate everything.
I don't come off this way irl because I'm very good at faking things and appearing normal/friendly, but deep inside I'm hurting and want to die. The only thing I live for anymore is trying to stay sober and alive for my family who love me very much. But now I see someone I want to be with, which is rare, and it tears me up so badly. I am scared as hell because I feel if I'm rejected again I'll go back into that hole of self-hell; but at the same time I keep putting myself there and can't stop.
end pt 1
>>17008808
pt 2
So with that being said:
How do I love myself? How do I be happy/confident in who I am? Because I'm not. I've been told I'm handsome by a lot of people and I regularly get girls hit on me, but I'm not confident at all. I feel like I'm just this walking, negative, self-hating black hole that can't make any friends and the times I ever do find love I destroy it for myself.
last bump
>>17008808
Therapy. Important thing is to find the right therapist.
>>17008921
been to a ton...guess I need to keep looking. nobody ever knows what to tell me, except "think positive!" I tried that shit, my sub-conscious does not agree. "well you gotta work at it!" ha okay. I'll keep doing that.
>>17008935
What do you think is the best diagnosis of what you have?
>>17008949
bi-polar disorder and anxiety with severe OCD...meds help only a little but make my dick go limp. sucks because then I have a hard time having sex with any woman and that in turn causes me more stress and they don't believe it's the meds but them. I want to be off all of it.
>>17008949
>>17008957
what sucks even more is when people get close to me, see that i'm unstable, and leave me. it makes me to hate them and myself more. I don't know what the fuck to do. can you see why I want to fucking die? of course I can't tell that to a therapist or they freak out and go "ARE YOU GOING TO HURT YOURSELF CURRENTLY?" like I'm just another fucking number.
>>17008957
Which of the bipolar, anxiety and OCD involves you intensely hating yourself? I didn't know that was part of any of those?
>>17008970
they're all related in certain ways but the OCD mainly. I obsess over why I'm not good enough for people, or I remember how I fucked up in the past and then think of it over and over. Or if I'm in a relationship with someone i actually care about, I obsess about me fucking up in some way and become hyper-critical over anything I do, to the point I shut down, they lose interest, and hate myself even more.
Part of this is why I begin just thinking of becoming a junkie. If it wasn't for my family I would probably be on hard drugs because i'd rather be dying in la la land than dying while sober.
>>17008982
I don't think it is the right diagnosis. OCD doesn't make you hate yourself like that. I think you have trauma from the bullying and maybe other things. Maybe see somebody who knows how to do therapy for trauma.
>>17009000
thanks for listening. maybe I do have trauma but how do I get over it? I just want to take care of someone I love but instead I turn into this self-destructive person because I feel I can't perform enough or I'm not good enough. what sucks is I feel I'm attractive enough, but it's my inside that suck, which hurts so much. I'm not a dick...I'm more of just like this corroding insect that tries to find what makes others happy and when I fail I just begin to melt from the inside out.
>>17009020
You need a therapist that specializes in trauma and self-destructive behavior. Also what do you think about this?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#Signs_and_symptoms
does it fit you?
I can rel8 bro, been h8tin my self for ever except I'm a bigger loser than u lol. Don't matter to me right now but that's beside the point.
Dude, make mistakes. A lot of them. Not dumass mistakes but shit like getting personal with that grill you like. I mean, for me saying anything to her would probably result in massive failure and embarrassment. But if you want that to be your goal, lol u win! You learn from your mistakes blah blah blah or grill notices you and gets closer.
There really is no right or wrong answer, when you realize that, you stop blaming yourself for your bad decisions and stop h8ting yourself for making them. I probably lost you so I'll end with just kill yourself m8
>>17009053
extremely well. do you know how shitty that makes me feel too because of someone having to deal with me and I love them? i guess part of it is I' hoping for this happy ending. finding someone who will just complete me, we may fight sometimes, but who I can spend my life with and grow with. that is part of why I'm afraid they will leave. because I just want someone out there to save me from myself and not run away.
>>17009073
You can have all of that but first you have to get yourself well and that means going to the right therapist. You are going to the wrong ones. Look for someone who knows the things we talked about here.
>>17009082
thanks. I will try. should I hold off on the woman at work? btw ...I didnt' mention this but she's much older than me, but I see something in her, I don't know what, which causes intense feelings inside of me. anyway, do you think I should hold off on dating her until this is more resolved?
>>17009094
Yes get yourself in the right therapy and then you can talk about things like dating with the therapist.
Try looking at
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dialectical_behavior_therapy
>>17009099
cool, thanks so much. :)
>>17009106
You're welcome
>>17008808
Have you tried hypnotherapy ?
I was bullied a lot too and it created heaps of problems for me but a few years back I went to a therapist who did EMDR (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing) and it worked wonders on me
Extremely emotional during and after the sessions, but overall it dimmed if not solved a lot of my problems
The idea is to desensitize you to past traumas by dissociating emotions and memories, if I got it right
