If you found someone you really love and want to be with that person forever, would you share all your secrets no matter how ugly they are?
I have very ugly secrets that I don't want anyone to know. History related to sex, plastic surgery.
I am sure that telling my partner at this point would cause all trust to be lost and lead to breaking up. I am sure sharing these things would have had very negative impacts in the beginning too.
Basically no good would come out of sharing my secrets, do you think I should have still been honest?
No, why would you tell anyone, that's yours. Unless they're going to find out otherwise or its part of a larger story I never tell anyone anything I regret or am embarrassed by.
Nope
>>16997691
>be with that person forever
how many people are actually together forever? and i mean in a realistic way. you'er what, 12? (but no really, 25?) what makes you think you are honestly going to be with them forever.
never assume that. its stupid. you havent known them that long, what 6 months?
if the secret is cheating they deserve to know, but if its just that you are a pedophile, keep it to yourself.
i dont share my secrets. why would they need to know? thats the important question
>>16997715
>>16997730
I feel dirty, and guilty. My partner has asked me questions before and I lied. But I know if I told the truth we would have seperated.
>>16997740
give us the exact context if you want actual advice. otherwise were playing a guessing game
>>16997691
You are much too much in your own head. You are overthinking this whole thing. If someone doesn't want to be with you because of these oh-so-intense secrets, let 'em go. You don't need judgmental assholes like that in your life anyway.
So you had a lot of sex, or you were sexually victimised. Welcome to being a human. You had plastic surgery to fix or improve something about your appearance? Good for you. What you think is something awful and unforgivable is probably just another detail about to someone else, so stop worrying about it.
But hey, if you sexually victimised someone else? Turn yourself in to the police, please.
Everyone has secrets. Some are meant to never be shared.
>>16997753
I don't even want anonymous to know. would the details really matter? Just think of the most disgusting thing you can imagine. I didn't harm anyone though if you're wondering.
>>16997740
Keeping secrets is fine but lying is over the line. Lying is what destroys trust.
>>16997691
>If you found someone you really love and want to be with that person forever, would you share all your secrets no matter how ugly they are?
Not necessarily unless asked, or if they had a bona fide need-to-know, or if their finding out was inevitable anyway. But any of these could happen for any secret I could think of, and so if I were not comfortable with the possibility, I would have to seriously reconsider my feelings for them. You shouldn't be with someone you couldn't trust with everything, even if there isn't necessarily a need to tell them right now.
>>16997691
>I have very ugly secrets that I don't want anyone to know. History related to sex, plastic surgery.
Being trans falls under the "bona fide need-to-know" and "finding out is inevitable" categories. Better that this happen on your terms.
>>16997787
No I'm not trans, and I don't have any scars from my surgeries, so my partner would never know my sex history or surgeries unless I voluntarily shared. If ever asked, I don't think I will be honest. I love this person too much to risk destroying what we have
>>16997768
The details do matter. Sex and plastic surgery sounds like something embarrassing instead of fucked up and lying about something embarrassing is WAY different than lying about something that makes you a fucked up person. The more info you give us the better advice you're going to get.
And you ARE completely anonymous here. Most people will forget whatever you did the second they close this tab, no matter how disgusting this ends up being.
>>16997779
yeah, IF they find out.
>>16997804
I spent a fortune on 6 different procedures done on my face. My previous self is ugly like a 3/10, now it's like a cover page model. Everyone compliments my looks, and it's probably the most attractive part about me to my partner.
I had sex with several different people prior to our relationship, including an incest experience when I was high on drugs. It makes me want to vomit when I think about it
I told my partner about the drugs, but I was dishonest about other things
>>16997768
>do details really matter
yes actually. if details dont matter it can be somethign as simple as eating someones ass out. context is everything. there are girls hwo insist that letting cum land anywhere but in your vagina is disgusting.
>>16997818
let her know about the plastic surgery, wont matter that much and if she is truly your OTP (not a real thing btw) then she wont mind. id let it slip before oyu have kids tho.
>incest
bro? sis? cousin? what>?
It's not the secrets that matter, but more so that you can accept your past, that and your projection of codependency from thinking you will be together forever is what will cause the relationship to collapse
People who say yes, do you have a dirty secret yourself? And I don't mean like you did drugs in high school or you jerk off to gay porn. I mean REALLY dirty stuff things that you don't even want to imagine
>>16997878
incest here as well (wiht my father) but i dont share it.
whod you bang anon?
>>16997818
The only thing there that even remotely comes close to being bad is the incest thing. If they made a big deal about you getting surgery then that person was probably a bad person for you anyway.
Depending on how badly you lied, they might have a good reason to be pissed off though. Next time this comes up just try to be honest and open about it because I bet you would expect the same of them if they were trying to hide something. Don't lie anymore above all else though because that will fuck things up more than anything once they find out that 5 years down the line you've been fabricating a lie that huge.
>>16997882
We're already 5 years down the line, so it's a little late for that. The sex part nobody knows other than the people I did with, and the plastic surgeries only the doctor and my parents know. I highly doubt they will ever spill anything. I'm more concerned about this ethical issue than my ability to hide
>>16997898
It's "better" to just keep going on with hiding it if you think you're capable of never letting them know.
But to directly answer your question in the OP, yes I would tell them if it came up and I trusted them enough to know this. If it's been 5 years and you're still lying and hiding embarrassing shit from this person then the whole wanting to be with them forever thing starts sounding really selfish on your part. That's where I personally see it as unethical because that this point you just sound like someone who's more concerned with keeping this person to yourself forever instead of wanting to have someone who actually wants to share a wonderful and meaningful life together.
If you're more concerned with keeping this person then you are with being somewhat despicable and selfish then it honestly sounds like it would be better to not tell them.
>>16997691
In my experience there is no one you can trust, OP. You may be a sensitive soul deeply in love, but the other person will likely take pleasure in shitting on your heart. Not always, maybe, but that's been my experience. One thing I can tell you which is categorically true, and that is people love appearing smart or witty more than anything else in life. In practical terms that means whatever you confide in them, they will derive the utmost joy in revealing to others. It makes them imagine they're brighter than they are, you see, and that is what virtually everyone craves. And in this same vein, you'd be a fool to ever use self-deprecating humor of any kind, because those words will be carefully stored away, and when the time is right the other person will bust them all out at once. They'll do it in such a way that it will appear as though they themselves thought of all your witty, incisive self-mockery. Again, that's been my experience. Anything you say can and will be used against you, and once your love has wiped their ass with the remnants of your soul, they'll laugh about it. They'll let you down every fucking time, OP, every fucking time.
>>16997925
I agree. I am selfish and I would do anything to keep my partner, even if it meant lying about everything. I do work to the bone and my absolute best to provide a happy life for us though.
What is my verdict?
>>16997944
I kinda already gave you my own verdict.
You're more concerned with keeping them around than you are with having any respect for them to know important things that happened in your life. It's not like you've been together for less than a year, and it's not like you're hiding some insignificant little thing that happened in 3rd grade which makes you embarrassed.
You seem just fine with continuing this as you have been doing so just keep doing it and try to not get so stressed about the fact that you're keeping it to yourself. I don't think you're going to keep this person forever regardless of what you do and I don't think keeping this a secret and outright lying to keep it that way is the right thing to do either, but honestly I think at this point it would be better to roll with it like you have been and not let the fact that you're doing this get to you.
Just keep it to yourself if you think bringing it up is going to cause a shitstorm. Sure, it's a little dishonest, but bringing it up does two things 1. Lighten your heart 2. Cause aforementioned shitstorm, hurting both of you. What does your partner get out of it? Only pain, really.
Also, telling the truth isn't as appreciated as you might think. I once had a love interest who I saw as a potential soulmate, clicked so fucking well, loved the same things, sparks were flying (or rather, mutual masturbation occured). So I felt that I don't want to be dishonest with her, she made me want to be a more honest person. I deleted all the intense porn I had that I wouldn't admit to her that I watched (extremely degrading bdsm, beastiality and so on). I also told her this: "It feels so easy and awesome talking to you, I feel like we're really on the same wavelength. With other girls we've rarely shared interests and I've just listened to her problems and complimented her a lot because I know that's what keeps her happy and that's what gets me into her panties. It feels much better with you since we can be real with each other and don't have to do that shit". Sounds really honest, right? She thought so too. Came back to bite me in the ass next time we argued about something random though, all of a sudden she felt very passionately that complimenting and listening to a girl to get her into bed is despicable and disgusting. That was the end of that relationship. Moral of the story: Don't tell the truth if you don't think she'll like it. Bitches be craycray and you're better off taking it to your grave and enjoying your time together instead.
>>16998052
>>16997978
>>16997930
alright thanks for the advice everyone
i think i've been doing so far is the right thing to do. in the end, what really matters is that i truly love my partner, and i'm committed to build a wonderful life for us. agreed?
you might argue that by being dishonest about yourself is not respecting your partner, but what about scarring your partner and trampling on the relationship by sharing ugly facts about yourself that serves no practical purpose?
>>16997691
If they truly love you, then they will understand anything in your past. Most relationships are not this good, so you probably have to hide sordid shit.
>>16997768
Are you a fucking pedophile?
>>16997818
How can they not find out if they meet your family and friends?
It depends OP. Does your DO want to know?. In my relationship my SO wanted to know ALL of my past. It was pretty bad and sometimes it sucked because I couldn't remember certain things but that part is over now. In my case, I don't want to know about his exes or whatever. We're fine now.
>>16998264
> agreed?
Whatever makes you sleep, anon.
