I am wanting some advice to know whether or not I'm being unreasonable or an asshole, and its a pretty complicated situation so please bare with me.
My girlfriend is a self harmer and is often suicidal. I can deal with this, I've been with her for nearly two years and through this whole time I've been nearly her whole support. However, now she is started to take her problems out on me.
It started off as saying I was selfish for focusing on my studies for work, but then it escalated into saying that I am a cunt, and calling me horrible names and fighting with me over nothing every day. After every fight she would apologise, I would forgive her and we would move on, before it happens a few days later again.
Then I had to go away for a week with work, just after she found out that she would have to go to court because she was sexually attacked. This is huge news, yes, but it will be months before she has to go to court. But before I left she was being horrible to me, saying that if I went that she would kill herself because she needed me, that me going and leaving her alone would be the reason she would be dead. One night she wouldn't take her pill because she was so sure she was going to kill herself because I was going. Then I told her that we will have to tell someone, maybe her mum (she lives with her mum) because she needs support, and she told me she would hit me if I told anyone. Then when I tried to leave because she said she would hit me, she slammed the door shut and pushed me back. I shouted "I'm scared, let me go" and she wouldn't, and then she broke into tears and apologised, and as usual, like the faggot I am, I forgave her.
I'm back from my week away now, and although she promised to never be mean again, she called me selfish today because I said she should do some schoolwork. My dad is quite abusive and always used to call me selfish and she knows that's something that really hurts me. Should I leave? Help me /adv/
Leave immediatelly.
>>16995123
But we've been together so long and I love her, and I know that it her depression making her be like this.
I know she will paint me out to be an un-reasonable asshole, and I'll feel like one too
I also had a suicidal gf in the past. Not to this degree but in your case she is mentally unstable and is manipulating you for her comfort. She seems to be going through a lot of hard shit and if you're probably one of the only people she relies on that is also unhealthy. It's really your call on whether or not you want to save yourself because you can't continue to be her support forever. (Even though you love her and mean well..)
Sometimes there is just no helping people and her issues are affecting your life. Just be up front maybe, you love her but can't live this way, and that you want more keeping you around than guilt or concern. What could she say to that really?
In addition, my suicidal and depressed gf later on started to always put me in the wrong for just doing things like hanging out with my friends and would call all of my moves bad. I loved her but it's really hard to keep being a mental stability check because it fucks with you too. My gf ended up breaking up with me because she almost ended up at the MH and felt that her depression was ruining our relationship.
>>16995128
>and that you want more keeping you around than guilt or concern
What do you mean by this?
I don't want to lose what we have, we've been through so much, even a miscarriage. But you're right, I can't keep on like this. If I seen her with another guy it would kill me, but at the same time being with her is killing me too. Thanks for being here everyone
>>16995137
OP here, my gf is the same. I'm in a voluntary organisation for young people, and I've never done anything with them (e.g. a meeting on a wednesday night or a weekend away) without there being a fight.
Looking back on your relationship with her, do you regret not leaving earlier? Do you wish you were still with her?
>>16995147
See, things like that are so hard to do because you want to help out but your partner doesn't wan't it. Maybe feeling like efforts are useless and subjecting to them?
Also I don't really have any regrets about the relationship other than thinking that maybe I shouldn't have been myself or maybe I should have lied to her or did this or that and maybe things wouldn't be the way they are today. But the reality is that things will continue to go downhill unless they're getting proper help and the relationship will always be in a really rough tide with extreme ups and downs. Of course, I still love her and I miss the idea of her and wish her the best in her life. We're still friends.
>>16995182
After writing everything out on here, it's made me realise that no matter what I don't deserve this. Going away with the young people shouldn't mean that I get told I'm an un-supportive boyfriend or that I'm never there. Going away with work shouldn't mean that I will "have to tell everyone the reason I am dead is because you wouldn't stop me".
Thanks everyone for being here. Relationships are fucking tough man. Will give her one last chance, but the next time we fight over some stupid shit I'm ending it
>>16995190
Dude, you just know there's gonna be another fight, cut the "one more chance" crap, you already did it so many times.
>>16995191
I want to give her another chance though, I want to believe in her. Am I being an asshole leaving her? Am I overreacting?
>>16995190
Tell her it is going to be the last chance
>>16995190
Relationships are fucking tough and postponing things like this will only continue to make you unhappy because you'll keep falling back into the cycle of "I think we're going to be okay now."
If anything you should try to talk with her about it and make it clear what she's doing to you and how you're being hurt in this relationship. Relationships are supposed to be a two way street in support and not this shit.
>>16995231
I will
>>16995238
I always think, every time, that we will be ok. Have for the last year and a half. I need to draw a line under it, but man its fucking hard. Was I an asshole for going away with work when she'd just got news about the court case? It was a course I pushed to get on to help fast track my promotion, but should I have been there for her?
Just need some re assurance I'm not being the dick. Thanks everyone
>>16995119
1/2
>My girlfriend is a self harmer and is often suicidal. I can deal with this
You can't, because her situation isn't improving
>I've been with her for nearly two years and through this whole time I've been nearly her whole support
WEEOO WEEOO WEEOO WHITE KNIGHT ALERT
>However, now she is started to take her problems out on me.
Because you are a beta provider
>It started off as saying I was selfish for focusing on my studies for work
Under the thumb
>but then it escalated into saying that I am a cunt, and calling me horrible names and fighting with me over nothing every day. After every fight she would apologise, I would forgive her and we would move on, before it happens a few days later again.
Because she knows you will just forgive her and take it
>Then I had to go away for a week with work, just after she found out that she would have to go to court because she was sexually attacked. This is huge news, yes, but it will be months before she has to go to court.
Did you know about the court case before hand? or did it *just* come up because you were going on a work trip?
>>16995281
2/2
>But before I left she was being horrible to me, saying that if I went that she would kill herself because she needed me, that me going and leaving her alone would be the reason she would be dead
Of course, it would be your fault for living your life and doing work shit, not hers for being a crazy cunt who doesn't want help
>One night she wouldn't take her pill because she was so sure she was going to kill herself because I was going. Then I told her that we will have to tell someone, maybe her mum (she lives with her mum) because she needs support, and she told me she would hit me if I told anyone.
She is asserting control over you
>Then when I tried to leave because she said she would hit me, she slammed the door shut and pushed me back. I shouted "I'm scared, let me go" and she wouldn't, and then she broke into tears and apologised, and as usual, like the faggot I am, I forgave her.
Yes you are a faggot, at least you see that you are
>I'm back from my week away now, and although she promised to never be mean again, she called me selfish today because I said she should do some schoolwork.
She wont stick to that promise, because she knows that you will forgive her
>My dad is quite abusive and always used to call me selfish and she knows that's something that really hurts me
Your dad hits you and bullies you? I bet you turned out to be well adjusted trying to save little miss bunny boiler
>Should I leave?
You should run for the hills
>>16995281
>Did you know about the court case before hand? or did it *just* come up because you were going on a work trip?
I knew that eventually there would probably be a court case, but the police rung her to tell her that it was going to happen within next few months before I went away. Was with her when the detective rang
>>16995281
>>16995282
Seeing everything in front of me like this is really helping me anon. Thank you
I'm letting my emotions affect my judgement. I want to be a leader and I know I can never be the person I want to be while I'm with her. I love her, damn shit sucks.
>>16995282
1/2
Just some more things to add:
I've been in an abusive relationship, I spent 5 years with a girl who slashed herself if she didn't get her way, if I didn't get to her house on time, if the chinky delivery missed something from her order, anything she could be upset about resulted in her cutting herself or attacking someone else (usually me or her mother).
At first she didn't do that shit, we were good, then a few months in she started bruising herself, round kicking door frames and throwing herself down stairs, she would say it was an accident, I thought nothing of it. Then a year in, she cut herself because we argued, not a big argument, because I asked her if she wanted to go out for dinner that night, she grabbed some nail scissors and stabbed herself in the leg.
After that, she started cutting herself, I'd stop her, she would cry, we would go to the shops and get some bandages and the rest, I'd wrap her arm/leg up and she would be grateful and say she wouldn't do it again.
The next week (or even the same week) she would do it again.
I was sure I could help her, I told myself that I knew her better than anyone, I knew her tells.
>>16995312
2/2
Then she started attacking me, she would punch me for not noticing that she got out of bed to piss in the middle of the night, she would grab me by the balls, she would sock me in the stomach if I disagreed with her, then she would cry, I'd hide the scissors and then she would cry more, apologise and make things up to me, I'd get to fuck her throat, her ass, anything I wanted, she would have a smile on her face the whole time.
One day she tried stabbing me because I had to go to a dentist's appointment, I ran out of the back door and jumped the fence, as I walked down the road, she pulled up along side me crying, she had slashed her arms and came looking for me. I was helpless, I had to drive her home, bandage her arms, I missed my appointment, she apologised, I got a blowjob, she cuddled me all day and watched me play video games.
The killing blow was when she showed up at my work xmas do and accused every woman there of sleeping with me, she wasn't invited, she knew nobody, but somehow she knew every woman's name, even the ones I didn't know.
I lost my shit, I dragged her from the venue and we went home, we screamed at each other until 5am, the police arrived, her mother arrived, I broke up with her because I was sick of the drama, I told them about the self harm, she got sectioned.
A month later she called me and said she was fucking some guy she worked with, I didn't care, I changed my number.
Another month later, she got my new number and called me bragging about how many guys she was fucking
Another month and another phone number later, she was offering me jobs via recruitment firms where she worked, I realised that she was behind it and turned them down.
Your best bet is either to get her the help that she needs, you might think you are helping her, I thought the same, but in reality we aren't qualified, get her help, or leave her.
>>16995312
>>16995314
The problem is anon, unless she gets sectioned, she won't get the help that she needs.
My GF isn't as crazy as yours, and damn you put up with some crazy ass shit. I feel like maybe I'm giving up too easily, because you stuck with your girlfriend through all of that, and mine isn't half as bad. Am I?
>>16995335
>I feel like maybe I'm giving up too easily, because you stuck with your girlfriend through all of that, and mine isn't half as bad. Am I?
Sharing my experience wasn't supposed to make you feel bad, I was simply sharing an example of how bad things can get.
You are made to feel like the bad guy, you aren't, I wasn't staying with my ex by choice, I didn't want to be responsible for her hurting herself, I never was, it was all her trying to hold some power over me.
You put up with way more than you should have, I'm going to assume you knew about the sex attack on her before you dated? did she share early on? It isn't a nice thing to say but you shouldn't date sex assault victims, they are damaged goods and will bear those traits for the rest of their lives (unless they get specialist help).
>>16995349
It happened while we were going out. She was at a job interview and the guy rubbed himself against her ass and put his hand down her top the day I was leaving to go on holiday for 4 weeks. (She's 19 and attractive and the interviewer was 50, she didn't want it). She told me in the airport, half an hour before my plane took off, and she holds the fact that I didn't miss the plane for her against me every time I try and go away and she's upset.
Should I have missed my plane? Was I in the wrong?
>>16995357
>>16995349
Anyone?
>>16995357
Sorry pal I was preoccupied.
She chose to tell you before you went for your plane, she could have told you straight after it happened or after she called the police.
You were right to catch your plane, like I've said, she is only exercising her control over you, she needs professional help, you can't fix her.
>>16995477
But she did tell me straight after it happened anon, which was while I was at the airport
She always says that its my fault for our fights, and when I call her on it and say this isn't something to be upset about, she says that I'm being really horrible.
I think I'm ready to leave her, but just can't bare to let her go.
leave her.
You're treating her with more respect and love than she's treating you with. She's manipulating you and selfishly demanding all of your attention.
If she really loves you and wanted you to be happy, she wouldn't threaten herself lke that.
Leave right away and don't look back. It's not bad or wrong of you to do so. She has crossed the line and she is literally being abusive towards you.
>>16995483
I agree with all of the bits about respect and love but is she really being abusive? I mean I'd never see her as abusing me, but maybe she is
>>16995478
Look, I know you aren't going to leave her, I was in the same position, you are trying to defend your choices, you came here wanting to hear "you're a good guy Anon, she will see it and appreciate you soon" or "she is just going though a rough patch".
When did she tell the police?
>>16995487
>but is she really being abusive?
This is a prime example of you being a beta little bitch.
You list that
>>16995119
>she is started to take her problems out on me
>saying I was selfish for focusing on my studies for work
>saying that I am a cunt, and calling me horrible names and fighting with me over nothing every day
>I would forgive her and we would move on, before it happens a few days later again.
>before I left she was being horrible to me, saying that if I went that she would kill herself
>that me going and leaving her alone would be the reason she would be dead
>One night she wouldn't take her pill because she was so sure she was going to kill herself because I was going
>Then when I tried to leave because she said she would hit me, she slammed the door shut and pushed me back. I shouted "I'm scared, let me go" and she wouldn't
>Then I told her that we will have to tell someone, maybe her mum (she lives with her mum) because she needs support, and she told me she would hit me if I told anyone
>she called me selfish today because I said she should do some schoolwork
>like the faggot I am, I forgave her.
that's all from your 1st post, she is abusive, you tried excusing it with how your dad is towards you, you excuse her behaviour even when we all tell you otherwise.
>>16995119
Leave her. 100%. She's using you and your guilt against you. She does not love you. She's fucking crazy and you don't have to deal with her. You are not a professional, don't try to be one. And no, you would not be an asshole at all, she is. You did put up with her crap for way too much time. You are justifying an abuser. Fuck that. I will repeat it the last time: leave her immediately. Right now.
>>16995496
She told police straight after it happened, as soon as she got home
If she is mean again, I will leave her. I will do this, I know I need to. I'm giving her this one last chance and then I'll know I deserve better.
I know this makes me seem like such a huge faggot, but how do I do it? The days/weeks after I break up with her what should I do? Most of my time has been with her, so how will I start to get over her?
>>16995508
>If she is mean again, I will leave her
No, you wont
>I will do this, I know I need to
But you wont
>I'm giving her this one last chance and then I'll know I deserve better.
You wont because you didn't after the long list of shit she has already done
>I know this makes me seem like such a huge faggot
That ship sailed earlier on
>but how do I do it? The days/weeks after I break up with her what should I do?
>Most of my time has been with her, so how will I start to get over her?
You start with "its over, don't contact me" then leave and never return, regardless of what she offers you. It has been 2 years, you don't live together, have a pet/kid together and you aren't married, you will just have to play vidya or get a hobby away from her, she will move on to another beta faggot in no time, I promise you that, the only time she will contact you after fucking someone else is to brag or to tell you about how "she realises how you had a good thing and she wants to give it another shot".
If it doesn't work out with her the first time, it wont any other time, if you a really desperate not to be single, tell her to get help and stick to her medication, or you break up.
But I assure you she won't improve, she doesn't see you as a man and will want to exert control over you because she is so used to it.
>>16995518
I'm off to the gym now, I hope being a beta faggot works out for you OP, I'll enjoy being able to enjoy my own money and time, and women seeing me around my schedule, I hope you don't take as long as I did to realise shit wasn't right, but I'm sure that everything can be blamed on her medication/depression, despite both just causing no lashing out, but you can keep making excuses because you know her better than anyone else and real professionals can't understand her.
>>16995518
Thanks anon for your ruthless support, I need it.
Will report back in a few days time with a thread with same image with progress. Thanks so much for your support.
>>16995529
No worries pal, get the police involved if she wont leave you alone, you deserve better than to be abused by someone who is meant to adore you.
>>16995141
Not sure if you'll see this but I meant that what drew you to her in the first place has been taken over by her mental problems. It's no one's fault but that doesn't mean you have to deal with it. Children don't know how much of a drain they are and neither do some people with mental issues and your stuck feeling selfish for thinking, "what about me?"
>>16995119
Why the fuck are you still with her you blue pill beta. Stand up for yourself and seek a better partner, a better life.
You are putting your life on halt for a helpless wreck of a girl.
Its time to grow up and realize her behavior is un-acceptable
Wakeupcall anon.
>>16995119
dude i'm in a similar boat
i'm the most lost i've been in a while
my ex and my best friend secretly fucked multiple times behind my back. i'v been together with her for a year.
her reasoning is i had been cold to her because apparently i was treating her like shit and being cold not responsive to her. she thought i was about to break up with her
i wasn't. i was just depressed
they saw 4 times in 3 week period. i've read their chat logs. they conversed that they what they were doing was horrible and expressed regret and hatred towards themselves
she is currently breaking down, freaking out, saying she doesn't deserve me and is begging me for forgiveness . she is threating to end herself and is cutting herself and shit
i've already beat the living shit out of this friend.
he's also cried to me out of guilt and forgiveness and claims he did it out of vulnerability because of how horrible he felt that his recent gf broke up with him.
she tells me she was vulnerable, blackout drunk, and weak everytime. he would enable her, manipulate he with affection and get her drunk.
i've never had this happen. i'm confused.
i still love her as an individual. she's the closest person i have. and i'm the closest person she has. these are facts
i hate the fact that she is still my 'distant partner' for the time being as i'm figuring out what to do
i don't know what to do
i'm so confused
can this be salvaged???
>>16995119
>My girlfriend is a self harmer and is often suicidal. I can deal with this, I've been with her for nearly two years and through this whole time I've been nearly her whole support.
You're a good dude, most wouldn't.
>However, now she is started to take her problems out on me.
My gut said "BPD" the moment i read this, and everything else just confirmed it. Yet another classic case.
I'm sorry you had to go through this, OP. You don't deserve it.
>>16995125
It's not the depression. Depression is 10 times easier on a partner (as you have learned firsthand) and 10 times easier to fix.
If you're enough of a hardcore masochist to suffer through this torture for at least another year, see if she wants to get help.
To start with, she needs to understand that she's hurting you and herself and have a deep desire to change (otherwise, break it off ASAP)
If she does, find a top-notch professional and get started. Be warned, it usually takes years.
>>16995200 >Am I being an asshole leaving her? Am I overreacting?
>>16995335 >maybe I'm giving up too easily,
No man, you've been incredibly patient already, and suffered a lot of emotional abuse.The average guy would have ended it long ago.
Oh, and don't blame yourself for trying to stick with her and help her. It just means you're a good, patient, compassionate dude, which makes you an ideal victim for people like this. Think of them as "emotional vampires": they sap your strength to kill their pain. The more you can give, the more they can take.
>>16995713
you keep posting this in every thread. It's so weird and annoying. No wonder your gf cheated on your desperate ass, dude
>>16995200
Choosing happiness for yourself is not being an asshole, its a healthy, human, understandble thing to do.
>>16995713
>her reasoning is i had been cold to her because apparently i was treating her like shit and being cold not responsive to her. she thought i was about to break up with her
Here's the problem with that;
>boyfriend's showing less interest, getting colder, maybes he's about to break up with me
>i should fuck his best friend, that'll improve the situation
>i've already beat the living shit out of this friend.
>he's also cried to me out of guilt and forgiveness and claims he did it out of vulnerability because of how horrible he felt that his recent gf broke up with him.
Frankly, it sounds to me like he's telling the truth. That he was weak and vulnerable, and she'd been wanting to make a move for a long time and chose that moment to do so, taking advantage of his inability to say "no".
>i've never had this happen. i'm confused.
Most would be, situations where both cheaters are apparently remorseful and the ball's in your court are rare.
>can this be salvaged???
Your relationship with your friend? Probably. Try to fix that first, it's easier.
As for your girlfriend:
>she is currently breaking down, freaking out, saying she doesn't deserve me and is begging me for forgiveness . she is threating to end herself and is cutting herself and shit
She needs professional help. Ask if she's willing to get it. If she's not, delete her number, block everything, and start moving on. If she is, you have to consider how much time and effort you're willing to sacrifice on her: often it's better just to move on to someone who's better for you and emotionally healthy.
>>16995876
since he posted it in every thread you should have actually read it by now
Bottom line this person doesn't deserve another chance. To be honest, I can't foresee you ever leaving her because you will always find an excuse, regardless of how abusive, manipulative, controlling, batshit insane she is, not to do so. You are NOT a psychiatrist, you can't fix her. Period.
This girl sounds like she has an incredible amount of problems - is she in therapy? Does she actually tell her therapist the truth about her problems? Has she seen an actual psychiatrist and been diagnosed? She needs all those things and medication. If she's missing any of it, she's just enabling her own bad behavior. None of this is excusable, she doesn't 'love' you, she's using you as an emotional punching bag - and the worst part is you're enabling it.
She knows you don't mean what you say. How many, 'last chances' have you given her?
You KNOW this relationship is toxic. There is no future here, you can't honestly write that huge list of crazy shit she has done and say to yourself, 'this is acceptable behavior from someone that loves me.' Is this REALLY the person you'd want to be the mother of your children? Can you imagine her doing the same thing to her own kids? How fucked up they'd be?
Get out. She's toxic.
How do you break up with her? Be honest. Tell her you're not equipped to deal with her problems and the way she treats you is juvenile and unacceptable. Then cut contact.
Completely. Don't give her ANY in or she'll take it, because she's absolutely crazy and you're weak enough that her begging and crying will probably see you crawling back to her. Don't. Delete her from everything, block her number, move if you have to. It's the only real way to get over someone.
OP here
Earlier on she said she wanted to kill herself and made me feel like shit because I was studying for an exam I have coming up at work.
She wanted me over and was saying shit like
"Whats more important, your job or my life"
So I told her that I had enough, that I couldn't deal with it anymore and that she needs to get help.
I love her and damn this shit hurts, but I know in the long run it will be for the best. She's been a hurtful girl to me, but fuck I'm going to miss our cuddles infront of the computer.
