I wish I could sleep and never wake up. My mind is shackled to this body causing constant torment to my mind. I will 22 this Thursday and I see no point to anything anymore I have reached my limit. I live with a lot of rare allergies that cause me to get sick very often this year has been my worst year yet I am sick at least once a week. I have a couple other medical conditions that cause my life to be not so great, I have crohns and a serve anxiety disorder that makes me get so exhausted that when I go outside I will sleep for around 18 hours. I also have an auditory processing disorder, dyslexia and a memory problem, I have been diagnosed with these since I was a kid. Around when I was 12 I started having an overwhelming desire to kill myself, just one day after going into the hospital again for being sick I just saw no point in any of this. I have been getting help for it but it does not go away because I am still sick and incapable of doing the things I desire.
When I was 18 I tried going to college full time I was not able to do it because I was sick so often. My parents never saw me doing anything with my life because I am sick all the time. When I was 19 I went to school for graphic and web design part time, part online and part in person at night. I felt so ashamed that I could not handle day school so whenever someone would ask I tell them I was full time, I made new people I met not aware of my medical conditions but a lot of people would think I was really rude because they sometimes felt like I ignore them or run away when they try talking to me.
My mom got tired of me being anti social to her standard and set up an online dating profile for me I met my fiance there. I was feeling a lot better for the next couple years I had someone to hangout with when I was sick and my grades were really good and I loved graphic design. Last summer I finished my graphic design and got a job, when I had this job I got even more sick and started developing an even worse anxiety disorder. I got so sick that I was being hospitalized at least once a week. My mind was decaying I made a choice to pick my health over my dream career. To me my career would be my child, I have no intentions of having kids because I do not have the health to care for kids and it is not for me I do not want it. It was December and I quit my job. I am still recovering from working and are now back in school for photography online so I can start my own business and work a couple times out of the month doing freelancing. My family thinks very little of me and I am moving out on my own in November. I have to get married in September.
I am going to be honest. I see no point in this suffering. I am tired of always being sick. I have been to so many specialists but nothing helps I just have a deadly combination together of shit that should not be put together. I want to be dead. But my family is too selfish to let go and end my suffering. I tried to kill myself in January but I ended up getting hospitalized. I have been getting help for all these things for so long but nothing is helping.
>>16993595
I am either not myself pumped with drugs and numb or I am myself and in constant pain or just sleeping all the time. The only thing that calms me down is by playing games and pretending I am in a different body in a different world. I know things are not meant to be perfect but I hate this torment. I hate being only half alive. I hate this. I see no point in suffering and dragging my body around just to be able to play games 20 hours a week. I see no point in not working at all either and just playing games straight. I am tired of finding out I have another medical condition. I am tired of all of this. I just want to fall asleep and have my little bits of body parts that cause me constant pain be able to be used for someone to help them feel better.
No stores are open currently so I can not make an escape bag. I am done with all of this. I do not want to be alive for my 22nd birthday if I am I will feel like god is laughing in my face.
Help me please Anons. Help my suffering end.
I'll bite.
But only if you don't blogpost this shit and tl;dr it
This is just a rant about your shitty life from the looks of it and i'm not gonna sit there and read your self-pity.
>>16993696
No. I am in pain from being sick all the time. I have a mix of health problems that basically circle jerk each other to make me more sick. I have been like this since a very young age.
I had to give up on my dream career which was basically my child because my medical conditions could not handle working. I see no point in living just to live.
>>16993704
Seems a lot better than the usual shit on this board.
How long exactly have you been discussing your suicidal thoughts with a professional? And by professional I mean a professional shrink.
>>16993710
I have been seeing a psychologist since I was 15. It does not help. I have tried switching around 3 times now to different ones. It is me. I can not live constantly being sick at such a young age. My life is about being sick that is it. I have tried everything trust me Anon. I would of not of gotten to this point if I did not. I just want to have a nice nap and not wake up.
See a doctor OP. There are people out there who can help you
>>16993724
I have been seeing multiple specialists since a very young age. I live in Canada if that helps any too.
>>16993721
Okay, so you admit the problem is on your end.
Then I can't really convince you of a lot of things if a clinical professional can't. I can redpill you on a couple things perhaps but that's about it.
Just depends how much you want to keep living in the first place. I'd argue you should keep wanting to live regardless and try to fight through your anxiety since that seems to be the biggest thing holding you back. But in reality you won't listen to me and the reason you're failing with the professional help is because you're not listening to them. Their help works but only as much as you let it work.
Do a bit of introspection and think about how much you really want to live and how much you just want to get back at your family.
>>16993736
No. If my anxiety was the main issue I would not be sick like I am. Being sick at the extent that I get eats away at you. I do not understand people, if you guys saw a dog suffering the extent I am you would put the dog down because you know that is not a way anything should have to live.
>>16993756
Like I said, do a bit of introspection about how much you really want to live. Think of the reasoning for why you want to die and determine whether it's out of spite at your family and life in general.
Unfortunately you are doing nothing but self-pity. I can't advise you on that because you don't want to be advised on it, just heard.
>>16993760
Anon you spend the week at the hospital every week and every time you eat you will shit pools of blood, or if you forget to close the window before you go to bed you wake up unable to breathe and freaking out and have to stab an epipen into yourself. Imaginan having a really bad flu for the rest of your life and puking is normal. That is how I feel I can not even sleep good because I wake up in pain. Every little thing I do I have to worry about how it is going to affect me. I can not just enjoy things I have to always be worrying if doing so and so will make me have to go to the hospital.
You need some sort of catalyst to draw your attention away from your suffering. im no doctor, but I recommend anything that gets you away from suicidal thoughts. How about working Non-Stop for a full year, just completely forget about your self pity, and just work yourself to the bone. Work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Nearly to the point where you're going to die. NEVER SPEND MONEY ON YOURSELF OR ANYONE, only buy what you NEED. Then, at the end of the year, buy a ticket to ANY south East Asian country. I mean any. Even Mexico if you want. You can get drugs, alcohol and women for cheap. Talk to the right type of people, and you can join them. You're living the life. You'll still get sick, but half the time you won't even notice it.
>>16993861
Only problem with that is I am allergic to most drugs. I am not talking a fast fun death either or I would of did it by now.
>>16993587
Become a morning person. Start work as early as possible before anyone else is awake. 5am if possible. Put in ur hours n go home. Get ur check, buy a nice computer with two TVs for monitors and a big comfy chair and play video games in ur time off.
