okay, so im in a kinda multilayered situation here.
i have this female friend, which ive known for 21 years now (im 26). We have some sexual past, as in some making out stuff when we were younger, but i was always too afraid to lose her as a friend to make a move for something more. currently she is one of my two true friends (and always has been). also we live literally five minutes away from each other.
She is married (two years now) im getting married in 5 months. We finally started fucking around two weeks ago, which obviously opened the honesty dam, fuck it blew the dam like a motherfucker. turns out she was feeling exact same way about me, for the last fucking 15 years.
Also she is suicidal, feels trapped in her marriage, and in her life in general. i am the kind of person who feels like suicide is a persons choice and ive even advised some people (my father for one). she does not believe anything can make her life better. I think i know her pretty well and i dont think she is attention whoring, im afraid she is really going to do that, and on the other hand i feel like i cant honestly tell her "dont do it" because thats not what i stand for.
Now, ive been feeling kinda same way about my life and my relationship ( 9 years and going ) see im not the best person, ive always been fucking around , cheating and shit like that. but other than that, ive always been good to my fiancee. however i sometimes feel like i just settled for her, just to get married. and now i cant get out. if i leave her now, she would be devastated if not literally dead - she depends on me in every aspect, financially too. currently lost her job, and also her sister is living with us in an apartment with a mortgage on both of us (which im obviously paying).
pic unrelated but its my dog.
so now for the advice request:
1. do i tell someone about the friend suicide toughts, plans (like her husband ? sisters, parents?
2. do i stay in my relationship? should i get married if im not 100% sure isnt it too late to backdown ?
3. do i try to make a relationship with the friend ?
>>16983894
>1. do i tell someone about the friend suicide toughts, plans (like her husband ? sisters, parents?
If you do, be prepared to lose your friend. She's only telling you because she trusts you.
>2. do i stay in my relationship? should i get married if im not 100% sure isnt it too late to backdown ?
You have no business being in a relationship just for the sake of having one. You think you're good to your fiancee, but really, you're just wasting her time because you don't want to be alone. That's incredibly selfish and deceitful. Don't tie yourself down to someone you don't really love, because you will eventually crack, and THAT will devastate her. Don't let her waste her best years on you. As for her housing situation, you can either choose to support them until they're able to get their own place, or you can try to help them get assistance so that they'll be out ASAP.
>3. do i try to make a relationship with the friend ?
That's up to you. But don't continue any further until you break free from your current relationship. It's not only disrespectful to your current partner, but to your friend. And if you're single, she may be more willing to go to you. Right now, since you're in a relationship, she won't feel secure.
>>16983912
1. yeah, i know, thats why im asking. shit, i dont know if i want to be loyal to the friend and to myself of if i want her to be NOT dead. but fuck me if i know.
2. but what if i love her ? at least i think i do. sometimes i really want family, kids and stuff. and sometimes i want to fuck around.
also how can i end such a relationship, how can i suddenly tell her, 5 months before wedding that i actually cant do it ?
and she wont accept any help from me. i know her well, she is much too proud for that.
man maybe i fake sickness or some shit, like "i have cancer i dont want you to live through i had to live through with my mother" . or maybe i run away, like a lil bitch. but i cant just leave her with an unpaid mortgage. do i sell my other house and pay the mortgage and the bolt?
am i fucked up for thinking that?
3. yeah, she is more than willing to try the relationship we talked about it. but yeah, i meant that IF we both get out of our quasi-failed relationships do we try something or are just to broken for being with someone.
thats actually one of the reasons for my current relationship. fiancee is willing to overlook many of my "cracks"
and thanks for answering , i appreciate it.
>>16983894
1. Nope. It is her choice, don't meddle.
2. No, and you're an ass for even having to ask.
3. You both are cheating, deceitful, and do not think very far in advance. While it may seem you both deserve each other, it probably wouldn't be helpful.
My overall advice would be to end things with your fiance, try to make that as easy for her as you can, do not keep fucking/seeing/whatever your friend, and take a good six months plus of introspection and thought about your life, where it has been, and where it is going. Maybe then start thinking about relationships.
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>>16984008
1. but she is asking for my help on how to do it, and even hinting at me literally helping her to do it.
as in "be there for me to finish things off if i fuck up somehow".
how do i not meddle in that ? im already meddled up.
cant respond to 2 and 3 because well, you might be right.
as to last point i cant make too much of introspection or i will end myself. i dont care much about things like " your life, where it has been, and where it is going" if i dont have a good time in my life im opting out too.
>>16984053
Then you tell her no. You can be a friend, you can be supportive, you don't have to participate. It also sounds like you might want to start caring. I've no idea how far you've slipped in life (it sounds pretty far), but maybe it is time to change things. I get where you are coming from a lot more than you realize. It took my entire life falling apart slowly to give me the ability to take that break and ask myself those questions. Shit sucks, and you may just decide to end it, but you're heading to the point where you are going to have to think those thoughts anyways, may as well do it on your terms.
>>16983893
first things first, you need to take that old boy for a walk or three, dudes looking a little heavy
now. if this hokey ass love story is for real, here is what you need to do: break off your engagement. come clean to your fiance, and be ready to take a shot or two to the face-you deserve it. then, she needs to file for divorce. she should come clean to her husband, and be prepared for the fallout of that-she deserves it. then, she needs to begin treatment immediately (and really, it sounds like your fiance should too)- if she stays in this mindset of relying on you (or anyone, for that matter) to provide 100% of her happiness, you are going to have the same problem that her current husband is having in a few years. you need to complement this treatment process as well as you can. it is not going to be easy, i can assure you of that, but you need to keep your shit together and support her therapy/treatment/whatever however you can- and you need to do this without appearing to be soft/a pussy/etc. when she gets her head right (which could take anywhere from a long time to a really long time), then you two can get serious with each other. if you try to do this whole disney movie thing before she gets her shit together, it will fail. if either of your commitment to the process/each other waivers, it will fail. if you do not take this as seriously as the grave, it will fail. im not saying dont have fun where applicable, but know that this is serious business, and that your situation could get really fucked if things go wrong. obviously, this is only a rough outline, but you get the idea. now in my opinion, this whole thing is fucked up, youre both fucked up, and this mushy nonsense is just that- nonsense. but what the hell do i know? good luck, anon.
>>16984144
shiet.
man i wish somone could make choices for me for fucks sake.
how did i even fuck things up so much.
anyway, thanks for advice.
>>16983894
1. Yes you tell people. You've been meddling; she needs help.
2. What kind of question is that? You're going to go up in front of people and say you love her and will be faithful and support her? Asshole. Give both of you a chance at happiness.
3. Maybe. However long down the line it takes for her to be emotionally healthy (or at least getting there and not threatening suicide).
>>16984144
and all that coming clean shit reaaaaallllyy makes me want to just fake my death or run away to fuckin africa or something.
fuck. the more i write and read about it, the worse it looks.
and yeah, the dog got even fatter. gotta feed her less.
>>16984159
youre young yet. you will learn to either avoid this kind of shit, or trust yourself to take care of business. no one will ever be able to make choices for you (unless you end up in jail), and you need to grab your balls and handle this. one way, or another. my suggestion is only one of many different ways this could play out, depending on what you do. kinda heavy shit, i know. but it doesnt get any easier. this is where you will find out your true character- will you take the easy way, or the hard way? do you even have what it takes to take the hard way? im tired. im going to bed. you know, you kind of sound like an asshole, but you remind me of myself a bit. i hope things work out for the best, however you decide to proceed.
and im serious, youd better start walking that dog
>>16983894
>do i try to make a relationship with the friend ?
lmao before or after she kills herself ?
>>16984177
