Told a girl I was a michelin chef in a fancy restaurant to get in her knickers. It worked, but now she wants to come to my place so I can cook for her. I can't cook for shit.
So I'm making the only thing I know how to make, which is instant mashed potato. How do I make it look like a fancy meal without embarrassing myself? Can I just melt cheese on it or something?
>>16971596
Bacon on anything is everything. Also research fancy plating
Hahaha no. That isn't a meal, and any "chef" serving only that will get spotted as a fake quick, even if you made good potatoes and not instant trash. I get that your as lazy as you are full of shit, but go read some real recipes, cooking isn't that hard and every adult should know how. It's also your only chance of this not blowing up, but smart money is on this going poorly.
>>16971596
Make a red wine sauce for the potatoes and pan sear some halibut. Make some asparagus on the side and that shit's done.
Why do half of the threads on this board read like a fucking sitcom?
>>16971784
Wayy too expensive.
Some properly marinated and grilled chicken breast, with a side dish of greens that blends in an exotic fruit such as pomegranate, goes a long way. Think green beans, pomegranate, and almonds. Throw in an explanation that you appreciate the simple textures of a traditional dinner paired with a rich merlot, assuming you've paired it with a rich merlot. Or some bullshit like that. It's not hard to look like someone that knows what they're doing behind a stove, I mean women do it all the time.
>>16971596
Kek. You're fucked
>>16971596
Instant mashed potato? Nothing could save that.
What you'd really want to do is dice up some red potatoes (unpeeled) and boil the shit out of them, then mash them in milk until the consistency looks right (higher fat the better). Then mix in some salt, pepper, garlic powder, dried parsley, and butter. It'll taste and look awesome.
lol why are you doing this dude? You already got into her pants, just cut and run
>>16971596
Buy two frozen meals. Make in microwave and transfer to real plates.
Learn not to lie to chicks you're trying to bang, they will call you out and hold it against you. Live and learn
maybe don't manipulate and lie, you putrid male
Do Tortilla de Patatas my man its exotic and its not that hard try to do it in your house.
I think you have a better chance of making crystal meth than a good meal
>>16971596
Complete retard. Congrats. Youre gonna get exposed for the fraud you are. Let meguess, raised by a single mother?
>>16972211
ironic
>Not ordering a fancy meal from a michelin star restaurant.
>Not passing the food off as your own.
Also why did you agree?
Dude you need to learn how to manage your lies. Yes its fine to lie about you job and cooking abilities if you keep yourself in a position where you'll never be asked to prove it.
So yeah, promise her to cook but never deliver, keep fucking her then dump her.
>>16972642
This. If you want to let this go on, you need to keep on finding excuses why you won't cook for her. Because unless she's a major retard, your actual cooking skills will not convince her.
>>16971596
if you just wanted to fuck her and it worked, why are you trying to take things further?
>>16972654
>>16972642
this is why crazy feminists exist. guys constantly complain about women being manipulative, this is just as bad.
>>16971596
HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HOLY FU K OP YOU ARE GREAT
I HAVENT LAUGHED. IN MONTHS AND YOU GOT ME LAUGHING SO HARD EVEN THOUGH I BROKE MY RIBS RECENTLY WHILE.DRIVING DRUNK
Holy shit I dunno why that was so funny.
How will you explain your lack of a fancy kitchen and fancy cooking implements? Do own a sauce pan? A skillet? A meat thermometer? A whisk? Would you be able to tell the difference between the those things if she asked?
I'd just tell her there was a fire in your place and you're slumming in your best friend's flat while they repair your place and you're jist lucky to have clean sheets. Get in her knickers again, go for crazy stuff (anal, bondage, rough, furry whatever floats your boat) that you're unlikely to get again, because she probably won't believe you twice and definitely not three times.
>>16972880
>Do own a sauce pan?
Nothing says "Michelin star chef" like owning a saucepan. Not like anyone who isn't a Michelin star chef owns saucepans.
>>16972683
Guys have to lie like this because crazy feminists empower women to have insane standards for putting out.
A Michelin chef? Fuck me, I work a good job and do alright for myself, but if every broad I met had that as their standard for fucking me, I'd lie too.
>>16972883
My point being these are basic cooking implements. You don't have to be a Michelin star chef to own these things (I'm sure as fuck not, and I do own them), but not owning them and claiming to be a chef? Yeah, that shit won't fly.
And if the best op can do is instant mashed potatoes, he probably doesn't own any of the above and wouldn't know what to do with them if he did.
>>16972897
Honestly I think he should try some sort of sitcom based plan, get someone else to sneak in and cook for him or order stuff from a fancy restaurant and try and sneak it into the house while pretending to cook but not letting her in the kitchen. Why not?
>>16972903
I approve of this plan, but only if he does it in front of a live studio audience with canned laughter.
You think Kelsey Gramar could do him a solid and appear for a cameo?
>>16972886
its stupid when they easily put out for unsuccessful people. at least women who sleep with successful guys know how to manage the market well. most women dont have standard as ridiculous as ops bitch but we are jumping to the conclusions in regards to that anyway. they are normally happy with middle class. why would they put out to someone who cant provide anyway? she clearly fucked him in the intent to develop a relationship. It wasnt casual sex.
>>16972910
I think Haley Joe Osmont doing his whole "off-the-wall mad celebrity" schtick would be much more fun.
>>16972897
>>16972903
why are you even encouraging this? it clearly isnt going to lead anywhere. at most he will get to fuck her again, not even worth the effort. a relationship wont come from it because he has already lied to her.
try a whole different approach OP. when she arrives, have take out ready. then tell her that you aren't really a michelin star cook but an undercover fbi agent and that this is only your cover. tell her you got something to munch anywas and that you can't tell her anything more about your mission.
>>16972924
Because it's funny?
>>16972926
>>my sides
On the day of the date cover your hands in bandages and tell her GordonRramsey poured boiling oil on you today as you were helping him out on his tv show.
>>16972922
I yield the point, that would be much funnier.
>>16972924
>>At most he'll get to fuck her again.
I'm having a good laugh.
>>mfw this is the most useful /adv/ has ever been to anyone.
Put a patty, lettuce, tomatoes, mayonnaise, and cheese between two pans, and tell her it's an elevated restaurantish hamburger.
>>16972938
>>16972956
fair enough
>>16972942
>>16972942
I have to agree this is one of the better plans.
OP, explain your deceit and make her realize that being a whore after a guy with a fancy job is what got her into this. End the explanation like the pic.
>>16973022
sides in orbit
>>16972683
Yeah feminists are straight from /r9k/ and /adv/ where people are posting made up stories.
As for op there's just no way you will be able to convince anyone you're a professional chef. I cook a lot and I wouldn't be able to.
For casual taste buds it's all about presentation.
>>16973047
Man, I can't remember the last time I was as glad to be a part of an /adv/ thread as I am right now.
So many Keks today.
>>16973096
the idiot sandwich kills me
>>16971596
https://www.youtube.com/user/foodwishes/
pick something
Op you're a fucking idiot. Give me your price range for dinner tonight and I'll walk you through the EASIEST fucking recipes that I can. Also how are you still alive if all you can cook is boxed mashed potatoes?
>>16971792
Because they're all imaginary situations created by autists.
>>16971596
buy food from a fancy restaurant, serve on plate for girl to eat. the end.
>>16973754
This. I can't believe no one else had said this earlier.
1) what >>16973754 said
2) learn to cook
3) don't tell a girl (or anyone, really) something that you can't follow up on
