Dealing with PTSD, going through a lot of stress and having a manipulative husband (soon to be ex-husband) exploit every trigger to make me break down and lose my shit.
So I'm kind of proud of myself for identifying what he was doing and saying (mostly through voicemails and texts) as triggers and being able to pull back and tell myself "I'm being triggered on purpose by an asshole that wants me to suffer" which actually does calm me down a little, and takes me just a little bit out of the bad past moments that I'm reliving.
The thing is I've spent all of my adult life with this guy and last night I'm thinking "I'm totally alone! I don't have anyone to fall back on" but then I realized I never had him to fall back on-- if I fell back he'd let me hit the floor at full velocity. For some reason that realization is really devastating beyond anything I can describe. I keep trying to think of just one time he every came through for me, even just something as little as giving me a hug when I was upset and there's nothing.
He always said things-- he always said he was there for me. He always made promises to help or be there or come through but never followed through, there was always an excuse and always a reason by he couldn't and he rarely if ever apologized.
I feel so stupid and sad and just disoriented-- I know I should "re-frame" it and be all "This is proof that I can take care of myself because I have been the whole time" but it's pretty hollow, it doesn't negate the fact that I've been used this whole time either and I was too stupid to realize it
May I ask you what "triggers" you so much?
>>16968530
Yes.
Most of the triggers are general gas-lighting and crazy-making stuff:
He tells me what I'm thinking (he's always wrong, I'm usually not thinking what he thinks I am but if I try to say that then all hell has broken lose.)
He tells me what my motivations are (same parenthetical as above)
Having him lie about events to me when I was there and acting like my recollection is 100% wrong.
Accusations and statements that put me in a position where I feel the need to explain myself or defend my actions.
Violating my space (going into my home when I'm not there and going through my computer, notebooks, schoolwork, bags, dressers, etc.)
Telling me I'm too _____________ to do ______________ on my own, he's always had to do things for me.
Blaming me for things that I had zero control over
Calling me a liar, slut, cruel, etc.
>>16968641
I just got out of a relationship with a girl that was the same way, that shit is really disorienting. Just remember you're in control of your own reality.
You sound like you're insecure and co-dependent yourself though. But remember: strength lies in the mind, and this dude is an anchor and he's drowning you.
>>16968514
Take some time to find yourself, OP. You'll be fine. Aint gonna be nobody's emotional punchbag no mo. :3
>>16968514
>I'm being triggered
TUMBLR
GET
OUT
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
>>16968514
That is not PTSD. Stop trivialising a serious mental illness.
You're upset.
>>16968776
This
>PTSD
Disregarded. Get out of your Tumblr bubble. If he's a dick, then leave him. I recommend doing some traveling to clear your mind.
>>16968776
Fuck you. I didn't bring up the source of my PTSD because it's not relevant, only the fact that I have PTSD
Also, fuck you
and.. fuck you
oh yeah.. go fuck yourself
OP are you seeing a therapist? If yes, and it helps, keep it up. If not, start seeing one. Go through your local county mental health/human services department if you can't afford a private one. Get that divorce and cut contact with him as soon as you possibly can.
>>16968782
She is leaving him, she said that in her OP.
Seconding the suggestion to travel though, OP.
>>16968776
>You're upset.
Well no shit. If your partner was fucking with your mind (or even if you thought they were), you'd be pretty upset too.
>>16968772
>"triggered" originated with tumblr
The junior high is strong with this one.
>>16968514
OP how did it get this bad ?
Do you remember happier time ? when you two get married for example ? it can't be all bad.
That whole post was very vague. Need specifics. Otherwise it sounds like a rhetorical post, and you just want generic 'YOU GO GIRL' comments.
>>16968822
Being told to go fuck myself is triggering me. I don't need to put up with bullying online and I will report you for it.
>>16968837
>OP how did it get this bad ?
My personal boundaries were so eroded when I met him that it didn't take a whole lot of effort on his part to take over my life. First it started with cutting back on my hours at work to accommodate his schedule (to care for his children) and then later quitting entirely to stay at home with the kids (also because he was "uncomfortable" with my male coworkers.) According to his logic since I was earning less I didn't really need to keep my car and the costs associated with it, I could use his. Not long after that he justified dropping me off the insurance policy for his car because according to him I didn't drive that much, etc.
Just thin slices of my life, a little here, a compromise there, then another. Not just with driving and working, but any little bit of independence I had he objected to sooner or later.
At some point he just stopped asking or trying to convince me to give things up and would just demand it-- at first if I didn't give in he'd sulk, sometime later if I didn't give in and act happy about it he'd alternate between cold threats and shaming and full on rage.
>Do you remember happier time ? when you two get married for example ? it can't be all bad.
Oh yeah, our first year together was great, he was totally awesome and stand up guy right up to the wedding. He didn't even make it through our wedding day being the nice guy he represented himself to be though, it was all about him at the reception right down to changing the music to his playlist-- since he claimed prior to that he was just self conscious and not thinking because of the stress of the wedding I just let it pass-- it wasn't worth a fight on our wedding night so I didn't even bring it up. For the first 3 years I couldn't even wrap my head around the idea that he wasn't the same man he was during the first year before we were married-- I always wrote things off to his benefit
OP.
I just got out of a LTR with a sociopath. Luckily i am young, saw the signs early enough and did not end up marrying the whore.
Broke up 2 years ago, she been stalking me until a month ago. These people can be vicious. Don't know the specifics of your husband, but if he is anything like my ex, then i know what you are describing concerning PTSD.
Ignore the other people here, they don't know shit. just 4 year olds acting cool on the internet.
Advice:
Go to a therapist indeed. Helps to reduce the mind control and lift the fog.
Get him out of your life ASAP. this might prove a lot tougher than you think, they are persistent crazy fucks. You are an important source to him, and he will fight tooth and nail to keep you, manipulate people around you to keep you in place.
You need to formulate a plan, get people you know, that HE DOES NOT KNOW. You need people that are not directly in contact with him. I hope you actually have people like that around you, but otherwise he can backchannel, guilt trip and block you.
You need to make a list of people (safe people vs compromised people (people he knows, and potentially can manipulate). and start working with your people. You are going to have to draw super clear boundaries, and its going to be fucking tough.
I have no idea about your financial situation, or your living situation. But basically you just want to get away from him and get to a place where you run the show. It will take careful planning, time, cunning to get there, but it can be done.
Most important: Trust yourself, and never trust him anymore.
Some sources that helped me understand how their minds work and how to combat the control: Spartan life coach, Sam vaknin, Lisa a romano, Ross rosenberg. They all have tons of youtube videos with much needed help and support, explaining the situation and helping you lift the fog.
Get your warpaint, armor up, and get ready to fight.
>>16968839
>Need specifics.
No. It doesn't take specifics. If I need to hammer in a nail, someone instructing me on how to use a hammer doesn't need to know if I'm using it for a fence, a roof, or a doghouse. Same here. I have a condition (PTSD) which is a mental injury (not an illness) and a shitty relationship that has left me feeling stupid and ashamed and hurt.
Wut do?
Cont:
Really, you need to read up on what he wants from you, and stop giving it to him.
I could imagine that if your lives have been deeply intertwined through marriage etc, its gonna be very tough. Be prepared to lose people, lose reputation, and go through painful situations that will undoubtedly trigger you. I would really need a ton more specific info on more concrete help, but know you are not alone, and not the only 1 going through this.
Also know, that when you get out, it gets better. You will be able to rebuild your life, and find people that are loving and trusting. But its gonna be a war to get there. Really, you are also going to have to do a lot of introspection about areas where you are enabling him. Why you do that etc.
You have to see each other as separate beings now. Your main priority is YOU.
Again need more specifics, but all luck in the world, cuz its gonna be tough. But i have faith in you, If you really want it, there is a way.
What also helps is you are a female, society generally helps females out more than males, so use that to your advantage. Really, you have to stop being soft and meek and boundarieless, and start toughening up mentally.
Never give an inch.
And to all the bullshit haters.
Watch the movie gone girl, imagine being ben affleck, sure he made mistakes. But the bitch is nuts. Those situations, years of psychological warfare, will leave you scarred.
Also has a lot to do with your own childhood, and things you were taught there. Anyway, get a therapist cuz you can talk through it all with someone on your side.
>>16969028
Well you have to lock yourself down. You care too much about what he says/does and as such he has the power. Take away his influence by not caring and separating from him both in mind and matter. You better find your inner strength before he gets to your core, cause if he does you are SOL.
>>16969030
Thank you.
I did get a job last year (still working at same place) and refused to give it up, that's actually what started breaking his hold over me and where I started seeing through his manipulations. I made friends at work, had money he didn't control and bought a car (and paid for my own insurance) all without his explicit permission-- he just about lost his shit when I got a nice pay bump at my 90 review-- you know the backhanded compliments. He told me he was so proud of me and he'd worked so hard to get me to believe in myself, and that it was really nice that my employer recognized my need to be paid more and how lucky I was.
No recognition of how I'm competent, I work my ass off and I have great organizational skills-- or how those things actually lead to my raise.
I'll look up the names you mentioned on youtube.
Thanks again.
>>16969092
First of all, your welcome!
Yep, he sounds like the type. He vibes on control, and wants to keep you small to ignore his own pettiness.
Start with ross rosenberg, he is a clinical psychologist. Lisa a romano and spartan life coach have lots of personal experience.
Sam vaknin is like your husband, and explains how he sees the world. Gives you insight into his thinking to understand how he fights, he speaks very technical sometimes. Less straightforward.
What also really helped me was to journal. Every so often, write down how you feel, and keep track of your thoughts. This will strengthen your own psychological connections, and decrease his influence. Just make sure he never reads them, or he will have a easy way of fighting back.
You can do this, time, patience and persistance and cunning are essential. And never underestimate the lengths they will go. depending on how damaged they are, that was my biggest mistake. Always thinking they must have some compassion, but in the end they really never did, just batshit crazy. And never judge yourself for being this "stupid, dumb etc"
You will feel like that often, but those feelings will not get you out any sooner, so be very forgiving to self. He thrives on your good hearted nature.
Good luck!
>>16968822
Think I understand why your husband treats you like he does now.
>>16969185
>What also really helped me was to journal. Every so often, write down how you feel, and keep track of your thoughts. This will strengthen your own psychological connections, and decrease his influence. Just make sure he never reads them, or he will have a easy way of fighting back.
Amen. I originally started a journal just because I was positive that there was no way I could get so many things wrong all the time, it's paid off in practicality because when he makes accusations in court I have a written record and can easier access documentation with times and dates and witnesses at hand.
Starting another one to write out my feelings is a good idea.
>>16969347
Yeah. That's great, I clearly deserve whatever I got no matter how horrible or damaging because I told a dipwad on the internet to fuck himself.
Nice.
ITT: This is why we can't have nice things: a few people misusing the term PTSD now has everyone getting butthurt every time it's mentioned, nevermind if it's a legit diagnosed case or not.
>>16968514
Calling this PTSD makes me cringe so hard.
>>16968514
>makes unironic reference to "triggering", claims to have ptsd
tumblr folk are not welcome here.
sage
>>16970205
There is a term called: Complex Post traumatic stress disorder. Its different from Post traumatic stress disorder. Its a real thing, verified by psychiatrists and psychologists.
Just because you don't know everything, and think OMG YOU WANT COMPARE TO ARMY OMG YOU SUX,
Does not mean, that OP is not suffering. Please keep your useless posts out of a board asking for advice. Help people or gtfo srsly. You guys crying here and 'cringing' are whats wrong with the world. Self entitled little shits who don't know jack, but think they know it all.
Op, ignore the little kids. Your shit, might be very real. Oh yeah btw, the comedian robin williams, a millionaire with everything these anons keep asking for, committed suicide because of it. So please learn instead of spouting your useless ignorant garbage.
OP your awesome and brave for posting this, keep going!
>>16970242
No, This just isn't what i call traumatic.
It's Just another dick head. She's back at school and is getting bullied, she just need to grow up.
Reading >>16968944 suggests to me that she gave her life up to a man she thought she new and loved. He manipulated her to do what he wanted.
This really is a dick move and can clearly cause distress for some but I fail to equate this to a traumatic experience.
http://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/PTSD-overview/complex-ptsd.asp
Here we have no mention to physiological abuse, only physical. If OP has suffered long term physical abuse then this may be a real cause but I see not a mention of it.
I really don't think this is any form of PTSD
I only used a soldier to demonstrate PTSD because it was quick, easy and clearly connotes PTSD, as you yourself just demonstrated.
>>16970242
This isn't CPTSD. We're not talking about persistent flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, or nightmares. We're not talking about real triggers, that is situations similar to a traumatic event evoking a response but rather the new pop-psych version of triggers which boils down to "things that make me feel bad." Her "trigger" is her ex being a cunt? A reasonable response to abuse is not a persistent trauma response that has generalized. Do we see avoidance behaviors? Increased arousal response?
What we do have is a suggestion of past trauma, emotional lability, feelings of worthlessness, and some aggression, which smells a whole lot like we're on Axis II...
>>16970343
>Here we have no mention to physiological abuse
That should be psychological not physiological
Also Robin Williams had depression rather than PTSD.
tumblr bullshit = sage this thread
>>16970419
>Also Robin Williams had depression rather than PTSD.
Bullshit, he had Lewy Body Dementia and made a choice.
>>16970205
seconded. having actually been in the army and seen what actual, honest-to-god PTSD is, i really just can't take anyone seriously who claims that they are suffering from the same thing from shit like a breakup. rape, violence, anything like that i can understand, but calling your "triggers" a manifestation of your PTSD is something i personally find pretty revolting.
>>16970429
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_Williams#Addiction_and_health_problems
Depression and Lewy Body Dementia, both contributed to his suicide.
>>16970472
He'd been depressed his entire life. The heart surgery he had has a surprisingly high suicide rate post op and he'd just found out he was going to be a vegetable in the near future. It was already affecting his fine motor skills, his acting career was essentially over.
Calling someone making a rational choice "depressed" because we don't like the outcome is paternalism at it's worst.
>>16970430
Then fuck off. Nobody needs your stupid opinion or your inability to comprehend the content of the rest of the thread. Signing up to commit mass murder for the profit of your government's corporate masters doesn't make you entitled or special; it makes you a cunt.
>>16970501
If this is OP you're certainly narrowing the field to Cluster B.
>>16970488
But he was depressed and it did contribute to the state that he was in.
If I found out I was going to be a vegetable I'd also consider ending before it got worse, I agree it was a rational choice.
I believe If he didn't have depression he would of lived out the rest of he life quietly and enjoyed what time he had left until his Dementia got to bad.
>He'd been depressed his entire life
>Calling someone making a rational choice "depressed"
So don't called people who are depressed, depressed?
>The heart surgery he had has a surprisingly high suicide rate post op
Didn't know that, very interesting. Probably meaning if he didn't have depression he would of still done it with in the same time frame.
>>16970501
Attack the content of the text and its ideas rather than the person.
>>16970501
what it actually makes me is significantly more exposed to and experienced with PTSD than the vast majority of the civilian population. if you could just look into the eyes of some of the dudes i know you'd probably feel like an idiot.
>>16970501
>come to advice board seeking opinions
>"nobody needs your stupid opinions"
God you're fucking retarded, you deserve all you're getting
>>16970501
I can see why your soon to be ex husband will be happier without you.
>>16970430
My PTSD was diagnosed prior to the relationship. I went through a series of traumatic life threatening events for 184 days during which time I was held captive, deprived of sleep, water, food and sanitary conditions. I have had persistent symptoms for 6 months after the those events and was professionally diagnosed. I am NOT going to feed your desire for horror porn by describing it all to you in gory detail. Seriously bro, go fuck yourself.. with something cuddly like a box knife.
As I said before specifics not mentioned because not relevant to the discussion. I am being triggered and it doesn't matter at all if the triggers mean anything to you, because they aren't fucking with your head-- they are MY triggers they fuck with my head.
>>16971398
Holy shit, please don't tell me this is OP
>>16968514
Why are you still talking to your soon to be x husband that constantly triggers you and treats you this way? Cut all contact and ignore any texts or calls. WTF girl. It's not rocket science.
