I'm not sure what to live for anymore. I've taken a lot of self-reflection lately, sorted out most of my negative ways of thinking (and matured over the past few years quite a bit) and I've come to find that before, I was living through the eyes of others. I would live for power, to prove people wrong, to prove myself wrong; I was living just to please everyone else around me except for myself.
Now that I've sorted through so much of the bull shit, it feels like there's nothing left. I'm not sure what to do. I feel free but empty. It's like I have completely lost who I am anymore. I don't know what direction to go because my old compass was corrupt. I don't know who I am or what to do.
plz respond.
So explore.
>>16954441
I guess part of my problem is I have a bit of nihilism going on. I feel like everything is pointless. I want purpose though. I want purpose and meaning in my life. I guess part of that is I don't care to help others though through basic charity (as shitty as that sounds), due to complicated views I have in regards to humanity. But I still want to do something to help, just not through basic charity work.
I just feel like all my old values were corrupt and now I can't seem to know how to start building a new foundation and with that foundation, what I should focus on/where I should be going. I'm lost.
everything we perceive in ourselves in the world around us comes from a contrast between light and dark. The contrast is created in relativity, without a "low", there is also no "high" because it has no way of defining itself. That being said everything we perceive in ourselves has to be related to a constant or it will seem to us to be nothing but a moderate grey with no meaning. A constant does exist, but you have to find it yourself, just like everyone else.
Sounds like me when I'd finished deconstructing everything which motivated me and attempted to form a theory of false face negative motivators in order to help understand my drives and desires following heavy lsd use.
>>16954475
so what happened? where did you go from there? are you happier/more content now?
>>16954482
Umm. Not really?
I gained a greater appreciation for the physical world outside of my slightly neurotic internal intellectual domain and the act of doing and being in the experiential moment, but I also kind of came to realise that I have two states.
One being truly within the moment and acting almost as an instinctive animal without free will.
Another being aware of my actions and feeling a measure of awareness like a degree of separation which prevents me from truly being within the moment instead viewing acts through a layer of conscious thought which is kind of tied up in attempting to be analytical and reflective and basically is consciousness.
I think it is just a part of the human condition. I had about 6 months of feeling very good about life, but coming to terms with being 'ok' is basically like describing depression.
I mean, lets get all zen for a moment and act like the old man of the mountain living free of everything which 'pollutes' us with drives and desires born of the negative self image instilled by the expectations of others built and reinforced potentially by ourselves. I mean, shit there goes pretty much the reason to get out of bed and do anything.
>>16954502
>I mean, shit there goes pretty much the reason to get out of bed and do anything.
I know but there has to be more. I feel like when you get rid of negative desires there still has to be a reason to get out of bed.
You're pretty full of yourself senpai.
Try doing things you enjoy, that really makes me appreciate existing.
I guess you enjoy being full of yourself tho. Maybe try music.
>>16954531
Well yeah. It is nice to be thankful and kind to yourself and others if your basic needs are being met. Beyond that you are now liberated to ask yourself what could be the big questions about what you feel is important and meaningful to put time into.
Just for me, a lot of it is pure ego and ultimately relates to the desire to secure sex through status. Which relates to being seen as positive through the eyes of others. Validation through a false authority real or imaginary, flawed perception. Eh.
Like I said I struggle myself with a nihilistic world view beyond basic needs. I'm actually content. It is just when you introduce other people. I suppose I feel guilt I'm not giving back as much as I'm getting.
Also for me I try and have as much fun as I want and try to enable others to have as much fun as I'm having. I work on music with people and try and keep up with the diy scene. Give my time and skills and resources there in a creative capacity. My philosophy has a wider base in context of others. Just internally I'm neurotic and very much filled with self doubt and overthinking.
But also I'm grateful of this awareness and very appreciative of things which truly put me in the moment. It isn't exactly all bad.
Better than chasing consumerist drives without end or the validation of others rightfully outside of my control.
last bump
