I feel like life just went against me somewhere along the line.
I never felt like I was part of my family, they're just different to me. Everyone else has done something with their life and I'm still at home, barely scraping by even when employed with 25+ hours a week. I can't save money to save my goddamn life, and even if I can something inconviently happens and it's all gone within a week. I was never forced or put in any social situation as a kid and never developed good skills. I'm apparently "so serious" all the time that people have trouble telling when I'm joking unless I'm literally laughing. I've bottled up any anger or emotion for years to a point where I don't remember what being happy truly feels like.
I feel like my friends call me the odd one out when I'm not around. They seemed to stop including me when it comes to hanging out, or "forget" to call me or whatever. I don't give a fuck anymore. I still get questions like "why don't you play WoW with us anymore?" "Why are you such an autist?" "Why do you get so angry when we play AoE?" and I get sick of it and just leave to be in silence rather than answer the same 5 fucking questions with the same 5 fucking answers. Then they get all apologetic and I feel like I'm being talked to like I'm retarded. They still owe me money for a TS server we agreed to pay for collectively, and they're 2 months behind on payment because they don't want to just make a fucking Paypal.
>>16951789
But you're still a sheep
You didn't ask anything.
Also, you seem autistic.
God speed, autist.
>>16951784
I keep my issues entirely to myself because I don't want anyone around me to feel hurt. I've only ever told my mom and a friend I consider close about how I felt and both barely reacted. My mom just doesn't bring it up after about 12 hours. I'm not close to any of my siblings and they all have their own lives now. The one time I had a girlfriend she dumped me after a week over a fucking text. I worked up the courage to try my luck with her over 3 years of high school. I think that was the last time I was happy. Never even had time to fuck or even feel close to someone for once. Don't even know how relationships work.
On top of all that I feel disgust when I look at myself, and hate my picture being taken becasue I don't want to look at the fucking zombie that I am. I feel like I have some sort of dysphoria toward my body and what I am. Over the past few years, I tried crossdressing in private because I'm a no-life fuck . I'm probably Bisexual. I got a thing for feminine guys but I still like women. Can't even fathom coming out like that to anyone, though. Kinda want to be androgynous but my fucked up body structure wouldn't work to well with that. One of my plans for when I start working again is to see some therapists to get confirmation I'm fucked in the head.
I graduated HS nearly 4 years ago, and the only things I've succeeded in doing are outliving some classmates and not having a kid. I feel like if this keeps up the way it does then I'll just use what little money I have to blow my fucking head off.
>>16951784
>>16951798
I guess my question is actually what the fuck do I even do with my life when I'm a hopeless sack of shit with no self-esteem and zero social skills?
