I wrote a long rambly post, but I'll try to be a succinct as possible.
I've been unable to think or find the energy to do basic tasks, study for university when I was in it, work, maintain basic interpersonal relationships with anyone. In uni I would blank out during lectures, I wouldnt study at all, and I'd immediately go home and lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.
I dropped out. I got freelance jobs relating to my field, and I even talked myself into a silicon valley start up at one point (technically) while the founder was looking for VC funding. I never could work consistently and I was fired or stopped responding at the jobs I acquired after a few weeks. They were a mix of freelance gigs and actual jobs. I eventually just stopped working and showing up to do the work. While working I would always blank out and simple tasks would take days.
I became a janitor, and I was almost fired many times for poor performance. I would sleep between 12-14 hours a day, its hard to define what sleep means here because I would spend a lot of time in a kind of half awake daze. I either sleep or am in bed too much or I need to smoke a lot of weed to relax and get away from myself and sleep. Even working as a janitor my co-workers can tell something is off. I know I scare people. My eyes are locked in this kind of very intense stare (think Rasputin or the thousand yard look).
I went to a doctor to get drugs after all this, and I have a number of drugs that I now take to give me physical and mental energy, and they make a difference, but I'm not sure if its enough.
I have lows which I cant describe. I talk to myself frequently when I'm at home. I spend a lot of my day blanked out and in my head even with the drugs. I experience these kinds of lows which happen for days at a time, I can't describe them.
They're far worse than just feeling bad or depressed. I can't describe it, but I'm bedridden a lot of the time. I'm totally gone, and it's getting worse.
I have no real desires anymore. I'd like to be left alone. I don't have any aspirations or hopes. I have nothing I'd really like to achieve. I don't want friends or a relationship. If I was in a prison, I'd be okay in solitary with a book and a cot. I'd alternate between reading to break the monotony and reading. I tried going to therapy years ago, nothing came of it, and I realized my situation is essentially unfixable. I tried medication after refusing, and it makes me barely functional enough to get out of bed, but the situation is more or less unchanged.
I think eventually I'll have to go. I've seen people like me who've gone into their fourties, and it's not pretty.
Diagnosis : Depression
Apologies for the odd structure of my posts, but I wanted to explain everything in as few words as possible so as to allow for the greatest number of people to give me feedback while understanding the situation.
>>16947690
I'm already on anti-depressants. I know the various labels for what's wrong with me, and I've discussed them with doctors, but I dont know what to do.
I am completely unable to do basic things anymore.
>>16947709
Meds don't work
Jesus OP I've been doing this too lately. I try to look back over the last year and I can't remember anything. Seems like most of the day is spent semi-unconscious. When did you start feeling like this? Was it always?
>>16947721
It's been going on ever since I was a teenager. I was voted most likely to drop out because I spent all my time sleeping in classes. I did drop out. I'm in my 20s now and I've just tried medication but I can see where things are headed.
Possible solutions:
Exercise in the mornings.
Get plenty of sunlight.
Find someone who needs more help than you and help them.
Quit smoking weed.
>>16947752
I'm trying to go outside everyday, and there's a cute gay guy who is more troubled than I am who likes me, and who I provide support to, but I try to put a barrier on our relationship to keep it from being romantic.
>>16947758
Tragic
OP, it sounds to be as though you're in a vicious circle: you hate your job, so lose respect for doing what you do, and therefore do it badly and can never get a foot on the ladder.
Look into jobs that you can respect and take pride in. There's a huge market for skilled trades these days, so if you get basic ability in a field such as carpentry, you'll have more job security and a higher income than most college grads.
