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I thought I finally got over him. It was clear that things cannot work out in the first place, specifically the fact that he's not able to like other men. But there are times when I still think of him, even getting into the dangerous territory of fantasizing everything about him. It seems pretty silly to be dreaming intimate scenarios of a person I never even shook hands with, but I guess imagination is a powerful thing. I haven't even spoken to him in a year and I still think of him every other day. I try to dull the pain by reminding myself that I chose the better path. In hindsight, he's pretty immature and doesn't have much going for him, not to mention plenty of other flaws he has, but some nights it gets too overbearing to even think about the negatives. I can still remember his face almost perfectly, even if it's objectively a 3/10 on a good day, but who am I to judge on that. I keep trying to tell myself that he's simply unable to be attracted to other men, but sometimes I can't help but delude myself into thinking that there were signs that I missed, that he's really had some interest in me at certain points over the previous year only to be met with my unwillingness to take advantage of it. I just want out of this cycle.

Unfortunately, I can't exactly look for a partner at this moment. I try to distract myself with videogames and whatnot, but they can only go so far. Thankfully, it's not as bad as it used to be when I truly didn't know whether he was gay or not, which resulted in countless anxiety-fueled nights and an endless train of thought revolving around him.

Maybe I'm just lonely, but I don't want to find a partner for that reason alone. I know I'm generally clingy so this isn't the first time I latched onto a straight guy. Anyone here willing to share some insight?

Just to clarity, I'm a male.