My boyfriend and I have a Dom/sub thing. We’ve been dating for about two years.
The sex was great until we started getting feelings for each other. When it gets rough and violent, I usually switch the loving, emotional side of me off, and just focus on the physical. He does the same, to the point he gets into a self-described “psychosis of sorts”. I notice when this happens, his eyes go dark, he's brutal and uncontrolled, I know he genuinely wants and is trying to hurt me.
He snaps out of this phase eventually, gets a cold sweat and a hundred mile stare, and slumps, may start crying and apologizing, saying how shit and dark that was. He can stay in this compulsive phase for a long time, and we can have sex past the point it’s physically enjoyable for us both. He says that sex puts him in a bad, murderous headspace, and after a bad time he will declare never to do it again. The next time I see him he’ll be pawing and grabbing and the cycle repeats. He says he wants to have a normal relationship with vanilla sex but he’s afraid I’ll be bored.
Not true. But whenever we do have more gentle sex, he’ll start hitting me or choking or something, and because I didn’t switch off the emotional part of me, I start freaking out and disengaging. I don’t know how to do both together, without bursting into tears or pushing him away and flailing. But if I switch off my head and it gets intense and “non-consensual” he feels awful.
He’s my first boyfriend, my first relationship. I’m 19, and he’s 38.
I want to help him: either for him to accept this part of him and we can have this outlet safely, or help him just be less sexually compulsive. He said he’s lessened the amount of porn he watches, and wants to stop completely. I just want us to be happy, I want him to not be ruled by urges he doesn’t even want himself.
Does anyone have any advice?
>>16939950
That's not love. It's not D/s either. It's abuse, plain and simple. You can't help him. Leave.
>>16940042
It's not abuse, because it's consensual. I know how to tell him to stop, he breaks his own limits, he doesn't break mine. He's asked me to tell him when he gets into that space, but then it comes into a "maybe I'm ruining the mood", thing.
>>16939950
This same thing happens to me as well, and i'm convinced that it's a reaction to adrenalin. You can probably snap him out of it by calling out his name in a stern voice. Triggering it often might build up his tolerance and lessen the effects. Make sure he stays out of violent confrontations or shit might get real uggly.
>>16940086
>consensual
Now compare that with your first post.
>>16940099
If you're referring to me pushing him away or crying, it's still consensual and I still feel safe to tell him to stop, it's more a visceral emotional reaction because play violence when we're not 'playing', puts me in a defensive state. He could give me a playful punch to the chest and I seize up, I don't know how to relax and have a normal sex thing and a crazy sex thing at the same time. Is the problem me as well?
>>16940089
I might try that, thank you. It's just that I enjoy it, so I can't tell if he's going down some hell hole or he's having fun, too.
>>16940086
It stops being consent when he does stuff outside of what you want or originally agreed to.
>bursting into tears
>pushing him away
>flailing
DOES NOT sound like consent. You are young, I understand there is most likely some idealism in you that thinks you can help this guy, but he needs to do this on his own and you may be biting off WAY more than you can chew if you continue down this path.
>>16939950
OP, I'm somewhat familiar with the aspects and peculiarities in a dom/sub relationship, and I don't faze easily, but you scared me.
he gets into a self-described “psychosis of sorts”. I notice when this happens, his eyes go dark, he's brutal and uncontrolled, I know he genuinely wants and is trying to hurt me.
Please readwhat you yourself wrote:
> ... he gets into a self-described “psychosis of sorts”.
> .... I notice when this happens, his eyes go dark,
> he's brutal and uncontrolled,
> I know he genuinely wants and is trying to hurt me.
> He snaps out of this phase eventually, gets a cold sweat and a hundred mile stare, and slumps, may start crying and apologizing,
What is downright scary is his LOSING CONTROL.
Your boyfriend comes off like a guy with deep seated issues, shall we say.
No dom worthy of the name loses control, ever.
Please believe me for your own sake.
>>16940180
I second this OP, any guy who goes into a state where he loses control is going to SERIOUSLY hurt you at some point
>I’m 19, and he’s 38.
Story?
>>16940180
>>16940182
Thanks for replying. I just don't want to jump to conclusions that he would ever hurt me when I think the issue is more me not being able to stay mentally present during violence which provokes an urge in him. Do I have to communicate that he can't hit me if we're having 'nice' sex, ever? I'm so confused and I don't want to break up with him. I just don't want to be enabling him or harming him.
>>16940200
I met him on a dating site when I was 18, and we have been seeing each other IRL since then.
>>16939950
Time for me to be the well of uncomfortable truth: you haven't left yet because you don't yet have the experience to know how completely fucked up this is and he's there because you're young and inexperienced enough to put up with his bullshit. He's broken and, sooner or later, you're going to get hurt. Badly.
You cannot help him. What you're describing isn't jerking off too much or having your desire get a little specific because you watch a little too much porn involving anal. What you're describing is someone who has tied sex to violence, who experiences immense shame as a result, and who cannot control them selves. You're dating the kind of person who gets kicked out of kink communities, who permanently damages partners, and who kills hookers. Maybe he hasn't done any of that (yet), but thats the profile.
Run.
>>16940180
I was once in a relationship with a girl who yearned to be punished by her dad: I usually scolded her, had her pull down her panties and caned/flogged her backside raw.
She would of course scream, cry, beg for pity to no avail; I would go on with the caning UNLESS she chose to scream the safe word.
As a a matter of course I also was 'affectionate', I caressed, kissed and stroke her during the punishment
Let me ask you, OP: did you choose a safe word?
>>16940211
>I just don't want to jump to conclusions that he would ever hurt me
Thats your inexperience speaking.
>I think the issue is more me not being able to stay mentally present
His fault, not yours. Full stop.
>violence which provokes an urge in him.
I do therapy with people in the kink community. I don't mean a little spanking here and there, I mean the kind of kink where people learn how to do sutures at home. His behavior is out of line.
>Do I have to communicate that he can't hit me if we're having 'nice' sex, ever?
You shouldn't have to. I mean, try it if you want, but this is a bit beyond communication problems.
>>16939950
19 and 38 wow
>>16940222
>Let me ask you, OP: did you choose a safe word?
Listen to the relationship being described and the behaviors he's engaging in. Something tells me good kink practices aren't being followed.
>>16940216
Is there no way he could get help? We both wish sex wasn't such a huge thing in our relationship. I don't want to give up on him, I guess? I'm invested, I don't want to admit that these things are all that bad, because I like them, and the aftercare on my side works.
I'm more worried about him and his grip on sanity than me. I am scared of losing him or I'm scared of him hurting someone who doesn't understand or him hurting himself, even.
>>16940222
I have no problem using safe words and he respects them. I just don't tend to use them much.
>>16940268
Sure, he could get help, but that takes time and commitment on his part. You can't stick around waiting. The acts you're describing can be part of a healthy relationship, but kink isn't for people who can't keep themselves under control or who are ashamed by what gets them off. Down that road lies danger.
>>16940278
Thank you so much for your time, I really needed to hear this from someone.
>>16940291
You're welcome. Also, think about how you ended up being the more mature one in a relationship with a man twice your age. This guy has the big red flag issues, but you've got some things to work on, too.
>>16939950
19 and dating a guy old enough to be your dad and you are into dom sub shit? You are so fucking young you don't even know what you want. You dont even know who you are yet.
Frankly I don't believe this is a real story. I hope it isn't because this is how girls end up getting killed and on the 5 oclock news.
>>16940307
I didn't know having an age gap in a relationship meant I had issues I need to work through. It's just a preference I have.
>>16940573
Again, I don't really see how age is relevant to this.
hot damn you need to get out of that relationship ASAP, that's not healthy and is in fact physically dangerous
