Ok, so here is the deal.
>hooked up with a random girl at a party a few years back.
>condom must have broke
>find out last year i have a daughter and the mom passed away
>out of a sense of duty i took her in.
>kind of expected to grow attached to her over time.
>nope.
So its not like i hate the girl or anything, but i sort of have the same feelings for her that you would have for some kid you babysit for. I give her all the basic necessaties, and pretend to love her, but i genuinely feel nothing emotionally for her, and sorta wish she didnt exist. I was talking with my friend the other day about it, and said it might be better for me to put her uo for adoption, because at this age she could still be adopted, and with ne she would probably become emotionally stunted. What does /adv/ think?
But what's the reason for you putting ger up for adoption? Because you're unable to care for her financially or because you don't feel anything for her?
Being put up for adoption at an age that she can remember WILL fuck her up
My older half sisters are absolute wrecks because of that, i know that's anecdotal but I can't imagine any way in which she would be worse off being with a dad that pretends to love her than being dumped on yet another family.
Maybe you will grow attached too her over time and if you're concerned about her well being then maybe you have more love for her than you realize
>>16931388
No, financially i am able to provide for her. Emotionally i am not. Like, i just dont care about her at all. And it does seem sorta cruel, growing up with a parent who doesnt love you. I mean, i go through the motions, but i dont have that paternal instinct i assume most oarents have towards their children.
>>16931379
how old is she
>>16931393
Maybe. This is still something that is in the idea phase, more than the "i'm planning on it phase."
I am willing to go on like this, but im not sure that would be best for either of us.
>>16931400
She just turned 4 last month.
>>16931379
A compromise would be that someone else takes care of her while you cover the costs of taking care of her. That is, if you want the best for her.
Yeah dude there's no way she'd be fucked up knowing that her own father abandoned her just because he didn't want her around. You're a real piece of shit, you know that?
>>16931412
I would be more than willing to do that. If i do go that route, i will have to make sure its someone trustworthy though. I dont have any fatherly feelings for her, but i do genuinely want her to have a good life.
OP, you might as well kill yourself. Then, instead of being abandoned by her own father, both of her parents will simply be dead.
>>16931417
Yeah, i know i am. Wish i did feel some sort of affection for her, but i genuinely dont.
life is short op. this girl was a mistake. you can live selflessly and regret it or live selfishly and regret it anyway.
your call
>>16931417
what's one more girl with daddy issues in the world? it's not like she's gonna cure cancer or something.
I second the suggestion that he kill himself. Problem solved.
>>16931407
Love is 90% what you do for someone anyway, and 10% emotion.
Go talk to girls who had dads that claimed to like them emotionally but skipped out on them and didn't provide physically. They're bitter as hell.
Go find a girl with a dad who was emotionally distant but provided emotionally, and she'll be more or less normal.
Just be a decent human being and keep providing for her whether you like her or not. Fuck your feelings.
>>16931431
>emotionally distant but provided emotionally
meant to say provided physically.
>>16931431
I guess. While i definitely dont want to, that was what i planned on. But my friend was pretty convincing that living with someone who provided for her physically, but not emotionally, would leave her fucked up in the head.
This is all pretty funny.
First off: you're a piece of shit. The fact you're considering this, when everything is your fault and none of it is hers, is direct evidence of you being deserving of being shot in the dick.
The little girl did nothing wrong. You did everything. It's all you. You fucked someone and had this consequence. Her mom died. You now have to take care of her.
So fake it. People do this their entire lives with work mates, except what you do actively changes who she is as a person. She will be who she is because of the input you give. If you can't get around to caring about that, then you're emotionally retarded.
Do you have an IQ of 40? Or you literally autistic?
Stop being such a retarded monkey.
>>16931417
I mean, I would argue that OP is not a piece of shit if only because he's trying to think about what's best for his daughter here. As you pointed out, being put up for adoption at age four by her biological father is probably NOT what's best for her. But at least he's trying.
>>16931428
I mean, if i kill myself, she loses both my money and her only living parent.
>>16931440
Maybe somewhat. But only a tenth of the fucked up in the head she'll be if you ditch her. And unless you're a huge dick already, you'll regret being a total cunt to your daughter years down the road if you give her away.
Keep doing the right thing and get counseling for your feelings.
>>16931441
OP had a one night stand and used a condom, which apparently failed, then the young mother who never sought out the bio-dad died from what I can only assume was a freak accident or disease. You're acting like he was having irresponsible bareback sex or somehow caused the death of the mother. The events leading up to his daughter being in his care consist of a chain of incredible happenstance.
I agree that this little girl does not deserve to be put up for adoption, and I agree that she obviously has no fault in this situation. But why are you trying to assign blame to anyone at all? That's fucking insane.
If you've got advice to help OP build a better parent/child attachment between him and his daughter, give it. He certainly sounds like someone who's trying to do what's best for his child, even if he's way out of the ballpark in terms of what actually is. Not sure how telling him that he "Deserves to be shot in the dick" and calling him a "Retarded monkey" helps the daughter out at all.
>>16931470
The little girl certainly isn't responsible. If he isn't responsible, who is? Fucking nobody. Which leaves him, and the one night stand, as the only people who have any responsibility here.
The one night stand is dead. Now he is the only person alive that has responsibility.
-
The dude needs to realize his lack of emotional ability is autism. If it isn't autism, he needs to go get counseling for his stunted emotional maturity ASAP. Him not realizing this is the reason low IQ question.
If he is literally retarded, he needs to get the daughter out of his autistic, clammy hands. If he's not, he needs to realize he is fully responsible, he is fully the owner of his emotions, and figure out how to be a normal, decent human being.
It is not remotely the daughters fault her dad is that fucking guy.
>>16931431
>Love is 90% what you do for someone anyway, and 10% emotion.
This guy knows what's up.
What you feel or don't feel inside your chest just isn't relevant to anybody except you. The upside of that is that you're not responsible for what you think or feel, just for what you do. "Going through the motions" is what you're supposed to be doing right now.
Try to involve her in your hobbies. Like if you like to go fishing, take her fishing with you and teach her how. If you just give her the basic necessities, she'll just be like a pet that you take care of. It's up to you to make the relationship fun and happy for both of you. You might also want to ask for bonding tips on a parenting forum.
>>16931496
>The little girl certainly isn't responsible. If he isn't responsible, who is? Fucking nobody
Yeah, exactly. Nobody is responsible. The situation OP and his daughter are in together is a bit of freak chance. Again, I'm not sure why you're so determined to assign blame where it's not needed. The very first post in this thread has OP saying that his sense of duty led to him caring for his daughter instead of letting her be adopted in the first place. He's not shown any signs of trying to duck his responsibilities here yet you keep accusing him of it.
>The dude needs to realize his lack of emotional ability is autism. If it isn't autism, he needs to go get counseling for his stunted emotional maturity ASAP.
>he is fully the owner of his emotions, and figure out how to be a normal, decent human being.
Anon, that makes no goddamn sense. If someone handed you a toddler who you had never met before and who you didn't even know existed prior to when you began to care for them, would you be able to foster a full, healthy parent/child relationship with that toddler in the span of twelve months? Because that's the situation that OP is in, and I really fucking doubt that you could.
This isn't a matter of "Emotional ability/maturity" or "Being in control of your emotions." You can't just force yourself to unconditionally love a complete stranger like that. If you're only here to attack the OP illogically and have no useful advice, shoo.
How is she? Is she cute and easy to talk to? Is she bratty and annoying?
>>16931496
I in no way blame my daughter for anything, and realize this situation is totally my fault. I'm not a super emotional guy, but i definitely have emotions. To be honest, when i took her in, i genuinely expected to bond with her and become a decent dad. It just never happened for some reason. Maybe its just a matter of more time, but i dont know. Most parents seem to love their children the minute they are born, and i have had a year with mine. She is a good girl, and i genuinely want her to be happy. If that means going through the motions like i am, i am willing to do that. I just think of how horrible it is that her mother is dead, and her father really doesnt love her, and i wish she had a better life than i could give her.
>>16931528
The most well behaved and sweetest little girl i have ever met. She never has out bursts or tantrums, is always super appreciative of anything i do or give her, and clumsily tries to help me out around the house. She is very shy and seems to be in her own little world a lot, but i was the same way as a kid. She is a great kid, im just a shitty father.
>>16931531
Just ignore that guy; he's determined to paint you as the "Bad guy" of a situation that doesn't even have one.
I think that it probably is just a matter of time. Most parents love their children the minute they're born because they know the child is coming ahead of time and have months to emotionally prepare themselves for the child's arrival. They're also generally present for the child's birth, which is a major life event, and there are even instinctual and biological things that help parents to bond emotionally with their newborns. You weren't given the advantage of any of this, but the fact that you're still trying to build an attachment with a three-year-old whose existence was a total surprise to you is admirable.
Stick with it, and make sure to involve your daughter in as much of your life as possible. Keep your identity as her parent, but work on building the relationship naturally the same way that you would foster any other relationship in your life. It won't just happen magically overnight, but it will happen.
>>16931554
Thank you. I'm definitely gonna try my hardest to do right by her. I am trying to have a good relationship with her, and hopefully one day it will work out and we can be like a normal father and daughter. The adoption idea was more of a worst case scenario, but something i feel i have to consider because if it was gonna happen, it woukd have to happen now, and i just dont know if i'm the right person to raise her.
>>16931394
Haha I'm sorry but that "paternal instinct" doesn't exist. It's the same thing as telling a kid to "grow up"; none of us do. We just adapt, which is what parents do in that situation.
Calling it "paternal instinct" is just so you don't look like some soul less entity to the people around you.
You did a paternity test right?
>>16931379
It's your daughter.
You're an adult, take your responsibility.
>>16931542
Woa dude you should probably keep her then, feelings will grow over time trust me. You know, like arranged marriages of the old days.
>>16931589
Yes.
>>16931435
>dad's that provide for their daughters "physically"
>>16931603
So she's your responsibility, end if story. Any other conclusion is lazy and cold hearted. She has friends to play with right?
>>16931431
This guy is right OP. Again of course this is all anecdotal, but I've known girls (rich and poor) whose dads loved them a lot but weren't around often because they had to work or go on business trips all the time and they all said they would have much rather just had a dad who was around. Some people are just emotionally distant in general, and maybe you're not but at least she'll grow up thinking you are but you love her anyway as long as you get her Christmas presents (that she wants), go to her school performances, and do whatever the fuck else it is that parents do for your kids she'll be happy.
That being said, being a single parent is a huge responsibility and it's gonna be a lot more stressful on you in the long run than if you still had her mom.
>>16931445
And I would argue he's a piece of shit and a huge coward to boot because he's trying to feign his complete and total self-interest as some sort of benevolent action.
A man is literally considering tossing out his daughter with a dead mother for no reason but not loving her.
That's not even simply not loving someone, that's a step beyond to being actively evil.
>>16931379
>shed be less emotionally stunted being given up by her own mother fucking father than by living wiht a man who pretends to love her
its been one fucking year dude, give it time.
>not grooming her to be your perfect sex slave.
>>16931527
>It's freak chance two people made the decision to fuck
...
>his sense of duty
OP is literally only here to get validation for tossing his daughter out.
"Hey should I put my daughter up for adoption because I literally do not love her?"
20 people tell him to kill himself and 1 person sort of kind of supports him but not really
"Hey alright! That one guy totally said I should do it, that's all the validation I need to go ahead with it and not want to blow my brains out later! Smell ya later kiddo!"
This is actually what people use the Internet for. This is how people actually rationalize their choices.
>>16931628
I don't see how wanting her to have a better life in case he can't give her a good one is actively evil. He's been participating in the thread and has said multiple times that adoption is the worst case scenario for him and that he's more than willing to stick with her if people are sure it's the best possible scenario. He just seems genuinely confused if he can provide for her in the best way possible, which I think is a reasonable response to getting a child you didn't know about tossed on your lap because the mother who didn't even try to tell you about the accidental birth of your own child passed away.
>She is a good girl, and i genuinely want her to be happy. If that means going through the motions like i am, i am willing to do that.
> and i wish she had a better life than i could give her.
Sounds exactly like what a parent is supposed to feel/do.
Even if you don't love her (yet), your heart and intentions are in the right place. That counts for a lot and is a lot better than quite a few people get in life.
You could try to put her up for adoption... but then you're taking a gamble with her life and risking her going from a decent place, to an absolutely horrible place.
If it's all the same to you, just stick with what you're doing imo.
>>16931653
It's a freak chance that two people decided to have safe sex and the condom broke and the mother didn't tell the father for years and then the mother died.
Brah it takes time to develop love for your kid, I struggled a bit and felt the same when my boy was born took at least a year otr more before I could say I love him and felt it.
Its natural to feel hesitant especially its unplanned, just be a good dad fake it till you make it, but adoption that shit will fuck you and her up and you will regret it later.
>>16931614
I think so. She goes to preschool when im at work, so she spends time with kids her own age.
>>16931626
I do those things as much as possible, but my work keeps me busy. I try to spend time when i'm free, but i think her time seems to be split pretty evenly between prescool, me and babysitters.
>>16931674
I admit, this thread has definitely made adoption seem like a worse choice. Its just a matter of weighing decisions and seeing what is best.
>>16931663
Thank you for defending me. You dont have to worry about it though. I dont think im as much of a scumbag as anon seems to, but i do acknowledge that im also not person of the year.
>>16931531
>I wish she had a better life than i could give her
>I can provide for her financially
Literally the best thing a parent can do, love is overrated. You are missing that magic "da best thing in da worl :D" shit that movies try to sell you.
You are, however, concerned about this child, and also have the means to support her.
It doesn't matter if you don't "love" her. You know that the right thing to do is make this girl happy and as a man, you are gonna do it.
That's more than many parents can say.
>>16931585
>Haha I'm sorry but that "paternal instinct" doesn't exist.
This is demonstrably incorrect
>>16931701
I mean outside of school. Like play dates and going to the park occasionally.
Growing up, my dad wasn't all that affectionate to me or his other kids (his parents weren't affectionate to him, either). I knew he loved me, but he never showed it. It didn't make me into a bitter woman or anything. I'm sure just providing for your daughter and showing that you care for her (maybe you'll grow to love her as she gets older?) is enough for her to grow up healthy. Hang in there OP.
>>16931757
I take her to the park, but she is pretty much the same as i was as a kid and likes to play on her gameboy instead of talking to other people. Also, none of my friends have kids yet, so i dont really do playdates for her.
>what is the right thing to do?
take responsability for your actions. care for the girl. you are doing it.
>well, but when she will eventually find out that I don't love her?
I never understood why a person should automatically love his children/parents, just because they have some strings of DNA similar to yours?
if I found out right now that my father never loved me, I would be devastated.
but then guess what? I would get over it and be even more grateful for all the things he did for me.
taking care of someone you don't love may sound heartless, but it's an incredibly more difficult thing to do. yet you are doing it anyway, because it's what it has to be done. this is remarkable.
the girl deserves to be treated well, you are able and willing to do it. your feelings don't matter here. keep doing it because you know it's the right thing, not because you hope to one day come to love her.
if you do one day aknowledge you now love the kid, good for you, it's a nice bonus, but nothing more than that.
>>16931771
>likes to play on her gameboy instead of talking to other people
don't let her become addicted to videogames though, let her play but know where to draw the line. I wish I spent less time playing and more doing productive stuff.
>>16931421
>>16931428
>>16931447
As for "the only living parent" thing, she hasn't a "living parent' for real, since OP lacks emotional attachment.
And as for the money thing, I suggest OP to buy life insurance and go to South Central L.A. late night to tell some racist jokes to the Crips or the Bloods and slap one of them in the face to make clear how they suck and what a bunch of whimps they are.
The girl will earn lots of money to spend on therapists.
>>16931554
This guy gets it. This shit takes time to form and it isn't the "I'd die for you" instant super love the movies always depict. Remember how sex wasn't the end all, be all magic that happens in most movies? It's like that.
Now I'm really gonna blow your mind.
You're a pretty good dad OP. I work for Law Enforcement in a bigger city, I know some shitty parents. You know what they all have in common? They could not give a shit less where the kids are, what they're doing or about their well being in the slightest.
You're here, telling us about how you've emotionally agonized about the well being of your daughter and your own inadequacy as a father. The fact that you're thinking that way shows real and genuine concern for her. That's the foundation of love. Doubts and insecurities are a normal part of parenting and life in general. Shows you're a good guy. Keep feeding and teaching her man.
Also, chicks love single Dads. You stepping up and take responsibility? It's like sugar for flies man, you'll get pussy from every single mom and wants to be a mom woman you meet.
Stick with it dude.
>>16931833
Jeez man, i can get not liking what op is doing, but i cant see how that would actually help his daughter.
You sure the kid is yours?
Something exactly like this happened to my brother. He eventually broke it off out of guilt for not loving the child and the truth came out that the woman he took in just thought he was a good provider and didn't want to raise a baby alone because the REAL father had taken off.
>>16931653
>This is actually what people use the Internet for. This is how people actually rationalize their choices.
Maybe you should turn your computer off and watch soap opera, since you clearly like drama.
>>16931379
Did you get a paternity test to make sure the daughter is yours?
If not, that's step 1.
I'm not sure if someone has said this already, but here goes:
Love isn't some fairytale feeling.
That's right. There's this huge expectation on parents to 'love' their child with every fiber of their being and it's the best feeling ever, etc. The reality is, for most people that feeling doesn't exist. A lot of the time, kids are annoying shits. They prevent you from getting sleep doing stupid things, crying, screaming, the list goes on. There's not much to love about kids. When they get older, it's a different story, but as babies/toddlers they're more of a burden than anything. Most parents show love by simply providing for the child and being there. That really is enough.
When they get older and start becoming more of an individual human being, that's where the 'love' comes into play. Teach her to become a person you will enjoy being around and you will enjoy being a parent.
Hope this helps you, OP.
