I've been depressed for a while, since I was 15 (I'm 21 right now). Sometimes I'll feel happy for brief moments. I'll enjoy the company of my friends, actively engage in my hobbies, and really focus on school. Sometimes. Most of the times, I feel lethargic, unmotivated and I lose interest in my hobbies. Sometime's I'll be reading a book or playing a videogame and just question myself "Why the fuck am I doing this, this is pointless".
I think my biggest issues are my lack of self-esteem and how I lock away all of my problems deep down inside myself. I never feel comfortable talking about my issues with other people. Even with a therapist (I had 5 sessions with him), I feel uncomfortable letting it all out. I don't really know why?
I think it's just because I fear being ostracized for my feelings and true self. I can only let the lid off when I'm with my two best friends back home, because they're basically brothers to me. But because of college, we only see each other over break. With this lack of support group in my life, it makes me feel restrained, like I'm a prisoner with weights clamped onto my legs, except the prison is my own mind. I do have friends in college, but I don't feel connected to any of them. I'm worried that if I say something wrong, I'll be left in the dust. Which I feel has happened, mostly with how I am constantly criticized for my interests.
Sorry I sperged out for three paragraphs, I'm just getting sick and tired of this bullshit called depression and I wanted to let it out in someway. The reason I did it was because I had a brief thought of how everything would just be over if I wasn't around anymore. Which scared me shitless that I even had that kind of thought. IDK, thanks for reading this if you got this far I guess?
>>16913839
i don't think i can give any advice that's that great as i'm in the same boat, but i just wanted to let you know i read it all and i feel for you and i hope it gets better pal. maybe talking to people online like this will be easier to talk about your problems because it's anonymous? could do it regularly
>>16913901
Thanks for reading man, it's really tough letting it all out. I just feel so isolated from people. Even if I hang out with people on a regular basis, I just never feel that connection between another person and I.
>>16913901
Wish the best for you as well pal
HELLOOO this is the ADVICE board. We're here to listen and talk brotha. What I get from what you wrote is that you're missing something. Are you studying for something you really want to acheive? Because if not, then I'm guessing this could be a cause. I once had like zero fucking free time and during that period I was depressed af and I stopped caring about my life, but then just a good reminder of what I strive for in all of this got me back up on my feett. JUst sayin', maybe you'd really need love?
>>16913839
I was depressed at one point. I had just got out of prison... had no car... my gf left me when I was in.
I was exhausted from all the stupid side jobs... line cook here... meat cutter there... mowing lawns, flipping burgers, etc. No matter what I did I had to work with a bunch of sad sappy pot smoking teenagers that didn't give a shit about nothin. They were everywhere. Try gettin bossed around by a fuckin highschooler assistant manager in the kitchen of a goddamn dairy queen at 29 years old.
One day I decided to buy a glock. When i got home from work I popped a bottle of johnny walker, and sat in my chair taking chugs.
I loaded my glock carefully and slowly... popped the magazine in, and pulled the slide back to load one in the chamber. I sat there and held it as I drank my shit and quietly reflected on my sad fucked up life.
I looked at the gun... stared at it for hours. After a while a tear streamed down my face. So I chugged the whole fuckin bottle.
I passed out and when I woke up, I never felt depressed again.
>>16913839
I know how you feel OP, the only person I can show real self to is a friend of mine that has been in dark times similar to me.
Sometimes I really try hard to be happy. Coz you know they say you have to want to be happy and have to try but I just can't keep it up, I can't even hold a happy mask on my face anymore I'm just tired of life and I'm somewhat afraid of what will happen if I start to feel again, the depression is comfortable now and keeps me alive its more existing than living but desu I really couldn't care less
>>16913942
now I'm a happy mothafucker
i make mixtapes and rob niggas left and right
you mighta done heard my latest release:
Real Nigga Kronikles: Tha Life Death Resurrektion and Redemption of Daykwillion Part II
>>16913964
nigga get the fuck outta here
>>16913964
well memed
>>16913940
I'm a junior right now in Computer Science. The major is alright. I mean I like it over other majors and I like programming in general. If I could, I would be a history major, but I would never be a teacher and job prospects look terrible for history majors. Regardless, it's not like I'm stuck as a CS major.
>>16913943
I guess that's how I'm feeling right now, I can't imagine my life being happy. Depression is the norm for me.
do you exercise? humans is bags of chemicals. yours sound out of balance man. mine get unbalanced too. exercise is a load balancer for neurotransmitters (basicallys)
