My husband has a teenage sister who I've known since she was a toddler. Due to her home situation (and I guess, puberty) she has a lot of issues. Unfortunately she is also spoiled rotten, having the world revolve around her and always getting her way.
Lately she has been growing up though and she's been turning to me considering a lot of typical and not so typical teenage issues. I gladly stepped in as an older sister and gave her a lot of time, attention and love, so she could spill her guts. Since she has few people beside us and her parents, I see it as the utmost importance I do this for her, so she gets a healthy perspective on the shit she struggles with.
Unfortunately she gets very manipulative when she doesn't get her way, still. The biggest issue lately has been that she throws a complete fit when we cancel an appointment with her (for very good reasons, including me being sick as a dog). She becomes extremely manipulative and now recends her invitation to her house (my husband's elderly home) because "if we can't make time for her, she won't have time for us". She tries to get her way by playing me and my husband out against one another, or we get a wave of angry textmessages. Last time she stayed angry for weeks (while we acted rather mild about it) and she only pulled by when we made time for her to have a sleepover. Now too she's texting my husband to meet him, completely ignoring me, because I was the one who cancelled on her last time.
My husband waves it off, saying his parents and sister are disfunctional and she's having a hard time. But I'm not used to tantrums like these. This kid is 17 now, and I feel the way she's treating me isn't only disrecpectful, but also unloving (while I'm the one she keeps claiming for all her problems and thoughts). I take this shit very personal. I feel mistreated, especially because she's been relying on me so heavily.
(cont.)
>>16908499
Talking about this with her and/or her parents is out of the question (as I mentioned, one disfunctional fuckbunch, I can't even begin to explain how this would wreck my husband's situation with his family). Her parents will start a war with us because we hurt their precious little baby, and she will run to mommy and daddy the minute we get remotely tough with her.
So the question is: Am I right to take this so personally? Would you too, in my case? And if so, how do I take it -less- personal? I have so much trouble shaking this off, because I feel this kid is manipulating me and my relationship from afar. I gladly put in the time and the effort to be there for her, but at least I want to have the feeling I get a little bit of love and respect back.
>>16908509
She's 17. You're how old?
If she pisses you off, just don't talk to her. But you should never hold a grudge, if and when she comes around and wants to talk to you again. Holding grudges is never the mature thing to do, even when it comes to other adults, let alone children like her.
>>16908499
>>16908509
She keeps acting like this because it has obviously worked for her in the past. lots of kids do this kind of thing but they normally grow out of it before 17. It is clear that her being spoiled rotten has had a negative effect on her. Its awful personality trait to have. well you probably already know this.
i dont think you are wrong to take it personal, she is acting in a very disrespectful way and she is a major part of your life. Treating it like a small issue, makes it a small issue in his sisters eyes. sounds like your husbands whole family has ignored this problems of his sisters. Its an issue that needs to be taken care of now. if i didnt want her actions to have a negative influence on me, i would just see her disrespect as a reflection of her ignorance. His parents sound like fools. Too many women grow up with this shitty attitude.
>>16908531
I'm in my thirties.
The thing is I can't even say I really hold a grudge, I just feel hurt by the entire thing. To be specific; her turning to me with her problems made me feel like we finally connected on a 'normal' level, and her manipulating and getting effin angry at me feels like she's kicking me in the shins.
Nonetheless, despite her manipulative nature and the unhealthy family situation, this might something all teens in puberty do. I'm just not used to this, especially not without a smirk or an apologetic punch later.
Do other people have similar findings or feelings like this?
>>16908544
i didnt do this at 17, and i know plenty of people that didnt.
it's always funny to me when women are forced to confront what is normal female manipulativeness, and they get so exasperated and like "how can people do this??" and they're always 100% guilty of doing the exact same thing
dealing with women is an art form, OP - you can't change 'em, you can only learn how to function within the system of manipulation.
>inb4 b-b-but I'm a special snowflake
there's a reason your husband's immune to his sister's b.s.
>>16908537
I agree, and I'm not from a family where this sort of behavior is tolerated. Maybe the fact that I'm not used to tantrums or fights that take up weeks is why this bothers me so much. On the other hand I feel like an over-sensitive twat for feeling hurt over this while she is probably eating her cheezy-poofs on the couch paying me no mind, and thinking "she sure told me".
The thing is, if it were any other kid I would have laid out my boundaries right away. But I wasn't, and I still feel I barely am in a position to still do that, with the risk of having my inlaws turn squarely against me (which I'd hate, but would also be a disaster for my husband). I wouldn't be the first!
>>16908544
Just let it go. You're not her mom, you're not her sister, and you're not her best friend. You're her in-law, and your role in the equation isn't to fix her and connect with, no matter how noble those intentions are.
You have two options:
>get caught up in the drama
>don't get caught up in the drama
Doesn't matter what the drama is, where it comes from, or what its about. It will only hurt your relationship if you and your husband/bf let it.
>>16908559
Although I almost discarded you as yet one of 4chan's regular women-haters, I'm interested. How do you think I should function within this particular system of manipulation? Because I think in the end, that's going to be my way to go.
>>16908571
Maybe you're right... Thank you for your comment!
>>16908585
You're very welcome, good luck.
>>16908563
yeah, i think its also because she doesn't feel shame in regards to her actions. Her family, and friends who she perceives as a reference groups in regards to her identity, dont shame her actions and therefore she feels to bo guilt. Not enough people are treating it as an issue. When i was about 13, i got into an argument with my mum and i smashed a tv, i felt so shitty after it that i never done anything that bad again. My mum and dad refused to talk to me for days and it made me feel so guilty. Even if you get angry with, or upset, it may not do anything because in her eyes you may not be in a position of power. Only way she will definitely change, is if a lot of her family do something.
>>16908606
My husband kind of sees it as his duty now to not give her tantrums the attention she seeks, and I agree with him. But yeah, without her parents backing us up or telling her she's acting like a bitch it's a hard task.
Thank you very much for your thoughts, I really appreciate them!
By the way I want to say I'm going to bed now, thank you very much for your thoughts and insights!
>>16908554
This. I highly doubt her psychopathic behavior is just a phase.
