After 20 years of bad behavior, it has finally dawned on me that my wife simply lacks the ability to feel empathy like most people.
Examples:
I was in a wreck and the car was totaled. As relatives arrived on scene they all cried and huged me. My wife never made eye contact and acted pissed that her car was broken.
She called our 14 year old son a jackass. It really hurt him and even though he tried to act like it didn't, he spent two days fishing for her to take it back or apologize and she never acknowledged his feelings.
I was once dressed and heading out the door to go to my aunt's funeral and she was upset that the laundry hadn't been out away. She said she'd divorce if I left for the funeral. I stayed.
Then there are thousands of little things: she is very selfish in bed, only affectionate when she feels like it never in a comforting, nurturing way to me or the kids, can be abrral asshole to service workers, had had fender benders rather than let jerks squeeze into a lane, etc
What should I do? Is there therapy that can teach empathy? Or is it 100% genetic?
FWIW her dad was highly dysfunction bouncing between prison, homelessness, drugs, etc. wrecking lots of lives along the way.
>>16887777
>FWIW her dad was highly dysfunction bouncing between prison, homelessness, drugs, etc. wrecking lots of lives along the way.
bingo
It's not genetic, but your personality is pretty much shaped in your childhood, the older you get the harder it is to change
>>16887777
>20 years
>finally dawned
You're fucked homie
>>16887777
>What should I do? Is there therapy that can teach empathy? Or is it 100% genetic?
Nobody knows for sure, and I wish I had sauce, but my best understanding is that the majority of personality is genetic and/or learned before the age of 7. Traits and attitudes learned in early childhood are so hard to change that they almost might as well be genetic.
Short answer: If you can't deal with her like she is now, you need to leave her. If you don't want to leave her, you need to find some way to protect yourself and your kids from her sociopathic shit.
Longer answer: She is not going to change unless she wants to, and no matter how she tries, any true change is going to take years. Even if she suddenly sees the error of her ways and does a total 180, you have to remember that it is all on the surface and inside she is still the same person she was. Even if none of it is genetic and it's all childhood trauma shit from her dad, she would likely need years of therapy and/or self-work to come to the point where her past is not affecting her behaviour.
If you've been married 20 years I'm guessing she's about 38-45. I have known one or two people in their 40s/50s to admit they've been a jerkoff all their life and start turning their attitude around, but it's rare and I wouldn't count on it at all. Usually if they don't do it by 25 or 30 they're not going to. Maybe you leaving will be the catalyst that gets her to change. Maybe not. But don't stick around hoping it will happen in time to save your marriage and your sanity, because it won't.
a true sociopath. get her to a psychiatrist and have her realize what she is, then maybe she'd be willing to adjust for the sake of doing whats right.
>>16887787
Op here.
I know. I always thought she was just acting out and that she'd chill in her 30s. She has gotten a lot better but mostly because I finally grew a pair and told her I wasnt going to stay with her if she couldn't control herself (took som counseling for me to understand to do this).
She immediately cut out 90% of her bullshit behavior but I can still tell that the root problem, her inability to empthise with hurt people, hsnt changed.
>>16887899
>I can still tell that the root problem, her inability to empthise with hurt people, hsnt changed.
Then it probably won't. Sorry man.
>>16887884
yeah really, if op leaves her then better make sure he protects himself from getting assraped by a sociopath...
>>16887943
This is a major concern. I've already invested a quarter of my life in her. And yet I have zero faith that she won't turn around and stab me in the back one day. I don't think I want to risk investing basically my whole life with her then get betrayed when I'm too old to start over.
>>16887960
I know the court system doesn't favour dads, but does she do anything that could possibly get you awarded full custody? Might be worth consulting a lawyer, maybe they can help you figure out how to lay the right paper trail.
How are your kids through all this? They turning out okay so far or do they get into trouble and shit?
>>16887966
She isn't a psychopath. She's generally a normal person. Those examples are the worst examples in 20 years.
No way would I get full custody.
I'm thinking my course should be
1) talk to a lawyer about protecting myself financially
2) start counseling again and see if she will make an effort through CBT or something to address this.
3) if 2 fail, files for divorce
>>16888006
Sounds like a plan OP
>>16887777
>>16887884
Why doesn't the OP change? Moralism is for retards, empathy is for idiots and morons. Stop being such a deluded moron, your son was probably being a jackass.
>>16887777
>asshole to service workers
fuck those people, one of biggest red flags there are
>>16889319
Watch the edge son
>>16887783
>it's not genetic
>implying
Genetics do play a significant role.
