my boyfriend got in a mood where he wanted to spill about some heavy stuff last night. the part that bothered me the most was about his dead ex. she died 2 or 3 years ago in a car crash.
he talked about how much she loved penguins and how he wanted to adopt one at our local zoo and name it after her. he also mentioned he gets teary or sensitive when he sees them. also, he told me his facebook cover page (a photo of him and her) is never going to be taken down. (though he has a photo of us as his profile pic) and he admitted that he nearly dumped me because he felt like he was betraying her. i know this part is a bit silly, but he made mention about how when we die and if there is a heaven, how he wouldn't know what would happen between him and his ex, and me. somehow, that made me feel so alone.
my past boyfriends always put me second to someone else no matter how hard i tried to be a good girlfriend to them... i've been cheated on and neglected and put aside as a "back up".
my current boyfriend however, has been nothing but the sweetest and most thoughtful and considerate guy. easily the best i've been with. i love him so, so much. and though he assures me that he loves me no less than he did his ex, i can't help but feel that he isn't really "mine." it sucks... knowing that on his deathbed, the first person he will think about is his ex.
am i just being a little bitch and totally selfish? i don't know what to do. he isn't aware of how my past boyfriends were like to me. he pressed me to spill anything about my past, but i couldn't. i didn't want him to feel sorry for me or make him feel like i depend on his love.
>>16885067
So when are you going to cheat on him?
>>16885067
You made this topic yesterday
>>16885067
to add on to this, i have never experienced the death of someone close to me. i can't imagine how painful it must be and i'm trying to be understanding about it.
he did mention he had a girlfriend who died early in the relationship, but i didn't know how much it affected him and naively believed that he would one day move on. i don't know if he will, and i'm not sure how much of it i can take. we've only been dating 10 months.
>>16885075
i can't. i could never betray him after what he's been through. and it's not in my character to cheat... i already know how shitty that feels and would never want to inflict that on anyone i love.
>>16885088
must be someone else. i haven't posted this story before.
>>16885096
Just quit the relationship if you're not happy. Don't be his spare tire he used just because he couldn't get over the death of his ex. Or tell him why you're not happy and you both will figure things out. Communication is the key.
>>16885142
but isn't he justified to feel this way about his ex? i don't even know what to tell him... on one hand, i'm glad he can confide in telling me this. i want him to feel like he can tell me anything. on the other, i can't make him move on or forget about her.
plus, i've been the first person he's dated since his dead gf. he tells me how i got him out of his depression and how much happier he's been. and as i've said before; he's the best guy i've been with.
>>16885191
I didn't say you should tell him "Forget about your ex or I'm leaving you!". Tell him your concerns and you will see if he sees you as the fifth wheel.
>>16885237
how does this sound? i can't see him til a few weeks later, so i'l be texting him.
>thanks for having me over; by the way, i thought i should tell you the stuff we talked about last night will take some time for me to digest. i hope you can understand that
i don't know what else to say or mention...
Well, hi OP. Your situation is directly applicable to mine, except I'm the guy.
I was with a wonderful woman for four years. We were engaged. She died in a motor accident. She was the woman of my dreams, and we had an amazing, fulfilled relationship. Her death destroyed me.
Had to take a break for five minutes after I typed that.
I recently got married. I have been with her for 7 years. Through the first 4 years of the relationship I felt like, somehow, what I was doing as a betrayal to my--true--love. I fought self loathing and depression related to how well my current relationship was going. What did it mean? I was on the cusp of dumping her five different times during the relationship, really seriously close, but never did.
Sometime, around the fifth year, I realized, internally realized, that my ex would have wanted me to move on and be happy with my life. She would have really liked who I was with. She would have.
And then, at the 6th year, I proposed to her. And we are now married. We have a wonderful relationship.
My dead ex is still with me, and I still think about her everyday, and I still wonder how things will work in the afterlife, but things are good, and I feel comfortable with how life has worked out. Life will work out. The afterlife, I think, will work out. But I'm not sure.
Anyhow, sorry the text is a little off. Stopped and started writing a few times.
Not sure if this will help, but, perspective and experience for thought.
Your boyfriend shouldn't be dating anyone until he gets over his dead girlfriend. I wouldn't call her an ex since that indicates that they broke up before she died.
I used to always date guys that idolized another woman as well, until I found a guy that only wants me. I recommend thinking long and hard about what you want out of a relationship, because being second place is always going to hurt no matter how long you date this guy.
>>16885294
thank you anon, that helped in a way. i'm so sorry for your loss. i don't know how far or long he'd gone with his dead girlfriend... too afraid to ask.
but this definitely made me lean towards breaking off the relationship. as much of an asshole as i seem... i don't know if i can handle being nearly dumped more than once. one of my exes has done this to me already, and it hurt like a bitch each time.
>>16885310
you're totally right; sorry... mostly shortened to "ex gf" for convenience and word limit.
i think i definitely do want a guy who just wants me. i don't know if i'll ever find him but i am very much considering leaving him.
i just don't know what to tell him. he told me he was getting better with me around... introduced me to all his friends and family and co-workers... what do i do...
>>16885067
It is possible to love more than 1 person. In this case you are going to have to accept that he loves her. But that doesnt mean he cant love you as well. Remind him of that. That you arent replacing her. And that he's allowed to love both of you.
>>16885347
Best of luck.
As a life lesson, decisions made based on fear and/or insecurity is almost always the wrong decision.
What you need is a frank discussion about your feelings, and to accept his feelings, and move forward with it. If you can't accept an integral part of him, trust me, he won't want to be with you, either.
>>16885067
>>16885089
It might be worth trying to understand where he's coming from in this experience by listening to other stories about losing loved ones prematurely. Things like what >>16885294 said can help give you perspective on what your partner might be going through. It is worth remembering though that no matter what everyone's experience differs a little bit and that, at the end of the day, communication with your boyfriend is much, much more important.
It might be something difficult to consider, to swallow or to approach, but skirting around issues like these when they are base factors of your relationship and nag at your mind will only hurt you in the long run. See if you can mull over your own thoughts from the experience, not over think anything too the point of worry, remember that you two are still in the same relationship and are the same people from before the conversation happened.
No need to rush. Be honest and talk things out a little bit at a time. When you foster healthy communication in your relationship with good partner you'd be surprised at how easy things can be, regardless of how hard they seemed at first.
Of course I can only talk from my experiences so maybe it doesn't mean much, but consider what we're all saying and just do what you think feels right.
Tricky situation. I would say you might have to leave him. You do sound like you're number 2. And the fact that he still has his ex girl as his cover photo while dating you is quite bizarre.
I think losing any s/o is hard, and stays with you for life.
I dated a girl in high school who had fifth grade "boyfriend/bestfriend". He was hit by a car and died. Sometimes she would just cry about it out of the blue.
>>16885357
i think he understands that concept better than i do... which is why he wants to cherish his dead gf's memories and do things in memory of her.
i don't know if i will get used to this. all i do know is that it hurts this much because i love him so much.
>>16885375
i just don't want to make him feel like he has to choose between me and his dead gf.
i want to accept it, i really do. i don't know how though; being "second" to all my past boyfriends... this just feels like another instance of it, how i've never had someone who was truly "mine." i know i'm being selfish about this. so i guess i'll have to let him go.
>>16885380
thank you, you're right. i have no idea how to articulate this to him without it sounding like "it's me or your dead gf"... i don't even know how to bring this up to him without offending him or hurting him. please, i would greatly appreciate if i could use some outliners or something...
>>16885408
No neither of you understand. You can have more than 1 wife. We dont in our culture for various reasons. In this case shes dead and you are there. In his mind it sounds like hes comparing you two and weighing how he feels for each of you. Its not a competition. Both of you need to stop making it into one.
Encourage him to seek therapy. Not as a "forget her and stop talking about her" thing, but it sounds like he's (understandably to be fair) not coping very well with her death. If therapy can help ease his feelings a little, it may lead to a healthier relationship with you also.
>>16885393
thank you; i thought i was being petty for thinking keeping a photo of him and his ex as his cover photo hurt me so much.
i don't know how he'll get over this. i still do love and care about him so much.
how should i break this to him? i know it sounds stupid, but if i had something to reference when telling him i want to break up, it would be incredibly helpful...
>>16885415
i just feel like... especially due to my past experience, that i've never been really held as someone's "first choice". and that's really important to me. i get that other cultures can get away with this somehow, but since i've never been immersed or grown up with that sort of social construct... it feels extremely uncomfortable. especially knowing, the people around me would also look at me in pity or something.... with how my boyfriend publicly proclaims his everlasting love for his dead gf.
>>16885473
What do you mean "first choice." thats not even applicable here. You can love more than one person. Do you want to be the first person he's loved before? Because thats ridiculous.
>>16885408
Before articulation is consideration. Don't worry about making a big, coherent presentation of this to him right now, just think about how you feel about this. It seems like a big thing right now, but you have time to consider things and don't have to rush further out of your comfort zone. Before worrying about conveying it to your partner, collect yourself. Don't stew yourself up with "what ifs" or maybes either, it's a bad habit people can get into when thinking about these things.
Maybe once you feel like you've gotten an okay hold on your emotions and feel a bit less shaken, try to come at it naturally. Approach it in small strides. Like you said, you don't want to come out too fast or be offensive, but people often hurt their partners as much with what they don't say. Ask him about things a little more, maybe tell him some of your past too, regardless of how hard it may seem. It's understandable to not want pity, but he opened up about something hard to you and showed you that trust, if you want to show him that you're willing to work on this with him and progress as a couple, then show him a modicum of personal hurt and trust as well. You're confident in your love aren't you? Show it to each other.
Again though, this is all just my ignorant two cents. Don't take what I'm saying as some guarantee strategy to fixing this issue, I don't know you two after all, but people are complex and there are nuances you can never truly account for.
>>16885452
This also isn't a bad idea. Finding a good one and placing confidence in them can be tough, but when it works for people it really can help. Just try not to make it feel like a result of not wanting to be involved or their problems being too alien for you to handle (even if they are).
>>16885480
you're misunderstanding; i don't expect to be someone's first love. but i want someone who, i guess while they are seeing me, to reserve their feelings for me and not focus their time and energy on another girl to love as much or more?
i stated before; i've been cheated on, neglected, and used as a back up plan for other girls. that to me, says my exes were never really someone i could call "mine" when i was dating them. this situation is similar in a sense.
>>16885529
So you dont want to share him with his dead ex?
Its sounds more like a child complaining that the parent is acknowledging another child exist.
>>16885452
>>16885496
i think he's tried therapy and counselling already... he has mentioned it before, and it didn't sound like he had much luck or any intentions to return to see one.
>>16885485
thank you so much anon, i think you're right and i guess i'll take my time to collect myself first... maybe try to explain about my exes thing to give him my perspective. again, thank you
>>16885535
forgive me, because i've been bawling my eyes out like, yes, a fucking child, and wracking my brain over this for the past several hours. i already feel like a piece of shit for making a big deal over someone who doesn't even walk this earth anymore. and even more so, because i know i should be respecting them.
but there are lots of people who disagree with sharing their partner, and i know it's 4chan and blah blah, but your posts sound very antagonistic towards me and it's really rubbing me the wrong way. whatever you're trying to get across to me, it's not working and making me feel worse than i already do.
>>16885538
Absolutely Anon. I hope it helped you figure some things out and got you back on a more positive mindset.
>>16885538
Here you are worrying about how his past is affecting his love for you, so you're going to let your past destroy anything you guys have? Bit hypocritical I think.
The only thing you can do is give it time to settle and then discuss it again as intrusively as you can. He never will forget her, there will always be some trace of her around. At the end of the day though you're the one who's alive with him now.
Now that I think of it he's probably watching what your reaction is. If you run away at the thought of his darkest secret, in his mind you just proved his fears correct. That he was betraying her and it was all a mistake. If you stay though...
>>16885589
ugh... you are also totally right...
i'm so fucking torn. i don't know what to do. all i know is that i want someone who would be as wonderful and kind as my boyfriend... but without him adopting penguins, publicly displaying photos of his dead gf, and wanting to be with her in the afterlife. god damn it, i sound so fucking ridiculous saying all that... it's like... where am i supposed to belong? i feel so out of place.
>>16885067
Your boyfriend might just be sad that he didn't get to say goodbye and wrap things up properly with his old ex. He probably just wants to know what would have happened if he was still with her. Him believing she's in heaven makes him feel like she is looking down upon you two and judging you, not knowing if he's doing the right thing. He must have cared alot about her, not being able to let her go.
>>16885695
Start with just letting him know how you feel, especially with your past. He shared a really personal thing with you because he trusts you enough, and I think you should do the same. I know it's easier said than done, but you should try put past experiences behind you. Just because you've had a bad history with guys does not mean your current bf will follow the same pattern. If you're invested in the relationship, you really have no choice but to leave yourself vulnerable and open to him, instead of clinging on to insecurities and putting up walls.
Also, I don't think you should leave him over this. Just because this one thing is bothering you doesn't mean that the whole relationship is doomed. You really ought to talk to him about it instead of over analysing things. Death affects everyone differently, and for some people it will take years to get over that loss. If anything, you should also help him move on from his past too.
Good luck!
>>16885720
this exactly.
i know he loved her a lot. to him, she's his literal angel.
i just feel like i don't really belong; it sucks that i've never really had someone that just wanted "me."
>>16885747
well over the duration of this thread, i ended up telling him how i feel messily.... mostly because i'm also trying to tell him i respect his dedication to his dead gf.....
he seemed confused and stopped responding to me as soon as he started to get the idea i was upset about his ex thing...
i feel like i blew it.
To put this into perspective: you are playing second fiddle to a memory. They shared time together, but that's over now. You have to close one chapter of your life before starting another, and to be honest I think it's extremely disrespectful of him to keep pictures displayed of their relationship while he's in one with you.
He's still living with one foot in the past. Would you rather be with someone where you can have all of them? Or are you happy with just a piece? It doesn't seem so.. He needs to get over the loss of her and realize that they are over for good and be respectful of what he has now.
You should tell him how uncomfortable it makes you, and if there's no way to compromise it might be best to part ways.
>>16885752
He must have seen something in you that was worth getting out of his misory. Either you reminded him of her, or he just liked you for you. If you feel that your relationship isn't working out, dump him or go to couple therapy or get him to see a phycologist. If he is that emotionally attached then he needs to learn how to let go. Hope it all works out, Anon, I'm cheering for you
>>16885768
Hmm okay, umm maybe think about what you're gonna say and then tell him you want to talk about it later. I guess you could just apologise for being a bit too messy in your explanations. Just have a good think about what you want to say, because it is quite a touchy subject.
>>16885768
Stop beating yourself up over it. Obviously it's tearing you up inside! You can't just let it go, you have to communicate those issues. Give yourself credit for telling him how you feel, and honestly if he reacts badly about it, it just proves he's not over her and your feelings come second to his memory of her.
I like to imagine that I'm the subject of threads like this, and that the OP just shared the link with me. How would I feel? How would I respond?
The amount of emotion you've laid out here is amazing. You boyfriend absolutely deserves to know this. Imagine if you were this open and communicative with your boyfriend. How quickly you two could move past this and grow together!
I wish you the best OP, and by only advice is to tell this all to your boyfriend.
>>16885773
he seemed to have a very strong stance on keeping the photo of him and his dead gf... i don't think there's any way i could ask him to reconsider without him getting upset. i already have a hard enough time to explain to my friends who visit his facebook page and tell them what happened.
for that reason, i've omitted specifics when telling him how i felt... how can i tell him it's disrespectful when he distinctly told me it's never coming down...
i'm waiting on his response right now, and the wait is killing me. i have no idea what he could be thinking.
>>16885777
again, you're correct; he's told me himself that i helped him become happier since. not sure what i can do to persuade him into anything at this point.... but thank you so much for your support anon
>>16885586
You want him to abandon his feelings for someone else that is dead. Can you imagine if you adopt a child and the parents threw a tantrum every time the child remembered his dead parents.
Id understand if she werent dead, but you are being ridiculous. There is no reason for him to let go of the feelings he has for her.
>>16885783
>>16885785
>>16885786
you guys are incredible, thank you so much. i'll see what he responds with and hopefully be able to collect myself better. >>16885786, you gave me the idea to read through my thread again and try to piece something coherent. i don't know why it didn't occur to me before; some of the words i want came out "right" in here. thanks for the great idea
>>16885825
if you've read anything in the thread, i'm particularly torn because i know i CAN'T ask him to forget his dead girlfriend because i know that's immoral and immature and selfish.
the issue lies in how i'm supposed to deal with this because i'm having a hard fucking time with it, given my past experience (as i've stated over and over)
my thread's objective is; should i leave because i'm a fucking pussy and can't stand feeling like i'm second to someone like i've been all my past relationships, and hopefully find someone one day who would want just ME like the other happy relationships i've seen? because i don't want to be internally tortured each time my bf mentions his dead gf.
or what are some ways i can cope with this and find a way to settle this with my bf so we can both feel happy? because i love and respect him a butt ton, and he's the best person i've met so far and i only want both of us to be happy long term.
i'm so frustrated trying to convey this to you because fuck you, i love my boyfriend and i want him to be happy too. but thanks, i suppose this helps me try to explain my position more coherently
>>16885878
Maybe stop trying to turn this into a competition. As long as you think like that you'll never be happy. Hes going to remember his love for his dead gf forever. Because theres no reason not to. You dont have to let go of your love for 1 to love another. Since shes dead, its not like he needs to make a choice between you.
So as long as you feel this burning desire to compete with his dead gf then leave. Because theres no way you are going to waltz into someones life and replace the person they love dead or not.
>>16885294
I don't think you'll ever realize that if your ex hadn't died in that car accident and time had passed on, that special and fulfilled relationship that you're talking about would probably have sunk in the mud like most.
You were really unlucky to have lost her, cause now you're condemned to idealize her and your relationship FOREVER. It's like the person you love the most breaking up with you but worse cause you'll never be able to hate her in order to move on.
By the way, there's no afterlife.
>>16885310
>Your boyfriend shouldn't be dating anyone until he gets over his dead girlfriend.
People with no concept of loving another.
>>16885938
Whats wrong with him idealizing her?
>>16885067
Too many melodramatic posts in here. Look, it sucks his ex died. But he's going to have rose tinted glasses about his ex. When someones gone, there's no clear breakup, and because they were together when she died, he's always going to always think of her on a high note.
That's his shit to deal with. Don't force yourself to be in a relationship with someone with rose tinted glasses about the ex.
There are people out there that have had partners die and move on fine. Not have pictures up as their FB status and refuse to take them down.
What I'm saying is, don't waste your time with someone who idolizes his ex. Dead or not is irrelevant. It might sound cold, but YOUR life is about You. There are plenty of guys out there that are looking for a good partner.
You walking away is a wake up call to him that while it sucks that his ex died, he needs to get his shit together if he wants a future partner, not expect them to put up with his nostalgia glasses. If he can't do that, he doesn't deserve a partner. So for all you know he could come back. But failing that, think about yourself. You matter more than staying out of obligation.
>>16885979
Or you know, he could find someone who's not a manipulative crazy bitch.
>>16885994
Or you know, he could find someone who's not a manipulative crazy bitch.
Don't use words you don't understand the meaning of. There's nothing manipulative about leaving someone who idolizes their ex. People are in relationships to be happy, not be weighed down.
Don't get butthurt either. If you get butthurt over the internet, it's clear you feel you're being attacked.
>>16886003
Im not butthurt. Just pointing out a crazy manipulative bitch. But I guess I left out obsessive as an adjective.
Part of the reason people have such a hard time getting over their ex is because they are like you and dont understand what it means to get over a dead person. But youre too busy during your crazy manipulative things to see that.
>>16885979
Running away isn't always the solution, OP already has a shit history with partners no need to add to it.
Yes her bf probably needs to move on. But OP needs to realise he lost a piece of his heart that day, and he nor she will ever get it back.
That's life.
>>16886035
>Im not butthurt.
Yes, you are.
>Part of the reason people have such a hard time getting over their ex is because they are like you and dont understand what it means to get over a dead person
lol you serious. It is no ones responsibility but your own to deal with this shit. Expecting people to put up with that shit when they could find someone who isn't hung up on their ex is YOUR problem. The fault lies at your door. Not someone elses.
> But youre too busy during your crazy manipulative things to see that.
If thats how you justify it to yourself instead of owning up to your own shit, that's up to you. But let me reiterate that leaving someone who is idolizing their ex is not manipulative. I told you not to use words:
>Manipulative - influencing or attempting to influence the behavior or emotions of others for one's own purposes
If you're leaving someone because you don't want to be with them because they are hung up on their ex, that's a solid reason to not want to be with someone. There is nothing manipulative in it, because said person is leaving them to be single or find someone else. Furthermore, there is nothing "crazy" about it. I find it "crazy" actually to expect someone else to put up with a partner idolizing an ex, dead or not, that's whats crazy to me.
>>16886057
>Running away isn't always the solution
No, it's not running away. It's ending a relationship. Are you going to say that everyone who ends a relationship is "running away" from their partner? Utter drivel.
> But OP needs to realise
No, she doesn't actually. OP can just move on to someone else. It's the OP partner that needs to realize screwing up future relationships over someone who's dead is bad.
>>16886069
lol its clear you are butthurt and projecting here.
>It is no ones responsibility but your own to deal with this shit
This is clearly not the mindset of a person who should be in a relationship. Go be selfish by yourself.
>But let me reiterate that leaving someone who is idolizing their ex is not manipulative
Manipulative is not enough to capture all of it. Obsessive and crazy and also needed.
>that's whats crazy to me.
This is exactly how crazy people act. You seem to genuinely believe that you should just move on from the dead. You have no idea what that means.
Cant wait for your first child to die. Just move on bro. Youll have another child. Be sure to burn all pictures you had of your first child though. Cant have a second child while still thinking about the dead one.
>>16886091
On the basis of 'Why should I have to deal with that?'. Yeah it's running away from problems.
>No, she doesn't actually. OP can just move on to someone else
Exactly. Why work through things like a mature adult when you can run away every time you face a challenge.
>>16886109
>lol its clear you are butthurt and projecting here.
I'm not that one that thinks leaving someone who isn't over their ex is " a manipulative and crazy bitch". That's you.
>This is clearly not the mindset of a person who should be in a relationship. Go be selfish by yourself.
There are acceptable things and unacceptable things to put up with in a relationship. Idolizing an ex, refusing to take pictures down of them is way over the fucking line of what's acceptable. When called on it, people like you, who try shift the burden onto the other person because you refuse to take responsibility for your own shit are selfish, expecting people to put up with whatever shit you throw their way aren't in the right mindset.
>Cant wait for your first child to die. Just move on bro. Youll have another child. Be sure to burn all pictures you had of your first child though. Cant have a second child while still thinking about the dead one.
A child is not a fucking partner, you're comparing orange and apples here because you refuse to own your own shit and instead blame others for your own shortcomings. Good job.
>Yeah it's running away from problems.
This is stalker level stuff. People break up over reasons all the time. Turning round and saying "you're just running away!!!"
>Exactly. Why work through things like a mature adult when you can run away every time you face a challenge.
A mature adult takes responsibility for their actions and looks to work through the problems. OP partner isn't doing that. Refusing to take down pictures of an ex, straight up telling OP that she might not compare to ex. Who needs that shit in their life? There's nothing for OP to "work through" here.
>>16886132
Bro when your child dies just take the photos down. You gotta let your loved ones go. No photos of them anywhere. You cant love your child anymore either because you arent allowed to love the dead. Just pretend your child never existed.
>>16885067
Time heals most wounds. If he's such a great guy and you're happy with him then accept this is a sign of his ability to love deeply and with his heart and soul.
It will pass and she will become a fond memory. It is possible he's talking about her so much now because he is thinking about her less and it bugs him how his 'promise to himself' to always love her is fading as life moves on.
Just be patient.
>>16886146
Yeah its crazy to love a dead person right...
>>16886145
>ro when your child dies just take the photos down. You gotta let your loved ones go. No photos of them anywhere. You cant love your child anymore either because you arent allowed to love the dead. Just pretend your child never existed.
Bro when your child dies and you have another one, why don't you tell that new child that you don't know if they can compare to them, just like OP partner did. I'm sure that's a smart move thats in line with your fucking idiotic example, RIGHT?
>>16886159
Where exactly does he say she does not compare. I mean its probably true for now since you dont fall head over heels for someone over night. But where exactly does he say that. I need the context.
>>16886163
> but he made mention about how when we die and if there is a heaven, how he wouldn't know what would happen between him and his ex
But let's ignore that just now. Because I'm not letting you sidetrack me. You made the analogy of a child dying being equal to a partner. I pointed out that they are two different things. You pressed the example again, I made a single fucking sentence that destroyed your example showing WHY it's a bad idea to compare a child dying to a parent, because you don't fucking compare children to your current one. Love functions differently.
So before you go ahead and shift the goalpoast, let's just reiterate that a child dying is different compared to a partner. A new partner does not need to deal with your shit. If you can't move on, don't date. Don't expect new partners to deal with your shit, then get bitter and angry and start pointing the finger at them for it. It is your responsibility, and no matter how much you curse other people for it, it will remain your responsibility, no matter how many petty examples and reasons you try to give. If you spent even a quarter of the energy you are using to make excuses by owning up to your shit and moving on, you would have achieved it by now.
>>16886186
>but he made mention about how when we die and if there is a heaven, how he wouldn't know what would happen between him and his ex
Not comparing. This is a classic problem that has been discussed throughtout time and depends on how you view the after life.
That side step.attempt. You are clearly projecting because you were a crazy manipulative and obsessive bitch.
>I pointed out that they are two different things
Whats different about such that its okay to not love one but its okay to love the other. You didnt point out how the difference mattered. Everything is different so saying that means nothing.
You are running because you know your argument doesnt hold up. When your first child dies you will understand what Im saying. Or you could stay a crazy bitch and just burn all of the photos of the child.
>>16886186
>mfw your loved ones start dying and you have to start taking your own advice and burning photos of them
>all this salt
What was her name, Anonymous?
>>16886197
>You are clearly projecting because you were a crazy manipulative and obsessive bitch.
I'm a 32 year old male, you're a pathetic cunt that needs to blame other partners for not accepting your shortcomings.
It's not ME with the issue here, dipshit, it's you. I'm not the one that has issues dating someone, calling everyone who "doesn't understand" manipulative and crazy because I can't admit to myself it's me that has to sort out my problem. I'm not the one making excuses for myself.
>Whats different about such that its okay to not love one but its okay to love the other
There is nothing wrong with loving someone, it's another thing if you let it interfere with your future relationships. If you want to use your stupid fucking child example, it would be like having a child, having the child die, having another one, but neglecting/comparing the other child to your dead one, being too sad about it, then when the kid turns round and tells you about it, YOU, the dipshit, get angry and start saying they don't understand.
Except in that example, the poor kid doesn't have a fucking choice. They weren't asked to be born. But a partner DOES have a choice to leave your ass, because it is YOUR responsibility, not theirs, no matter how much you try and twist and turn it into their fault.
Something worth considering is his thought process. It is possible to love more than one person at a time and obviously he has suffered a great loss that had effected him a fair bit.
I imagine, he is feeling guilt about his unresolved feelings with his ex and it seems by telling you these things he is trying to push you away and resolve the conflict. When I was depressed I did my best to subconsciously sabotage my relationships with everyone to try and fix that niggling conflict inside myself that made me feel that I wasn't "right". He clearly loves you.
If you feel doubt, just ask him if he loves you and if he wants you to leave - you'll get the answer you need to hear.
>>16886158
Here's a serious answer to a spergish question.
No, it's not crazy. It's called mourning. If someone dies at the height of a relationship growing it can be very traumatising, just like the loss of someone you've been with for many years.
>>16886218
>but neglecting/comparing the other child to your dead one
Where did he do this? This is you projecting. Its hilarious how pathetic you are.
Its more like you are the ungrateful little bastard that gets jealous every time mommy looks at a pic of your dead brother. Take the photo down hes dead right. Remove all memories of him.
You think you have you shit together. Thats hilarious. I feel bad for all the people in your life who have to deal with such a crazy manipulative bitch.
>>16886223
Theres a difference between a mourning phase and as you put it, fading love.
>>16886229
>waaaahh crazy! bitch! psycho! WAAAHHHHH! No, I'm not mad, I swear!
>still thinking that guy is OP
Are you autistic? Isn't it bed time in the group homes by now? You better go before your aide catches you.
>>16886229
Reading comprehension. It is not my job to quote every sentence for you. Read the fucking topic, and if you can't keep up, fuck off.
>ts more like you are the ungrateful little bastard that gets jealous every time mommy looks at a pic of your dead brother.
Except you're the one that brought up children. Not me, dipshit.
> Take the photo down hes dead right. Remove all memories of him.
I'm going to be you: Good job telling us you sleep with your child, you sick fuck. I mean a partner and child are practically the same, right?
>. I feel bad for all the people in your life who have to deal with such a crazy manipulative bitch.
>Dat bitter anger because you don't want to take responsibility for yourself
>>16886243
>If I project that hes comparing and neglecting, it makes it true
OP never complained about either of these. This is just you projecting because you are a crazy manipulative bitch.
>>16886240
Where did I ever say that guy was OP. If he was it wouldnt be projecting then. This is just him telling others how to be a manipulative bitch like him.
>>16886249
>If I ignore what OP posts and pretend it means something else entirely, it means I am right
>>16886253
To be fair, it is hard to tell who you're talking to when you address everybody as CRAYZEE BIYOTCH
>>16886243
>I mean a partner and child are practically the same, right?
For the purpose of this argument exactly. They are both a loved one. Everything is analogous in some way.
Are you too stupid to understand how analogies work?
>>16886256
>If I make up shit OP said, its true
Cant even cite it because you know its false. Just what Id expect from a crazy manipulative bitch. Making up facts. But of course your made up facts are true.
>>16886258
>For the purpose of this argument exactly. They are both a loved one
Oranges and apples are both Fruits. It doesn't mean they are the same thing. Are you too stupid to understand that even if things are similar, they can also be completely different at the same time?
>>16886257
Only him
>>16886263
If my analogy is about fruits I can use whatever fruits I want. Stop being retarded. The two are analogous.
>>16886258
Child: Born whether they/you are ready or not, forever linked to you even if you turn into a scummy deadbeat
Gf/bf: A consensual relationship between adults
Yup, totally the same thing lol
>>16886263
>oranges and apples both grow on trees
>STOP COMPARING ORANGES AND APPLES
I cant believe Im actually explaining how analogies work to a retard.
>>16886262
>OP never complained about either of these
From OP:
>he told me his facebook cover page (a photo of him and her) is never going to be taken down.
Oh, hey, would you look at that!
But what do you expect, you can practically feel the bitterness dropping from your post about this issue because I guess it's how you rationalize it to yourself. It's not YOU that's got the issue, is it? Nah, everyones just manipulative. Which by the way, Unless you can use the correct context why leaving someone for not being over their is actually manipulative, shut the fuck up from using it.
>>16886272
Yeah, both loved ones. For the purpose of the argument exactly the same thing.
Are you arguing that love for a another person is weaker than love for a child or someone related to you.
Because then I could understand how you could think they should just abandon their love for them. But it just proves you dont have the capacity to truly love another.
>>16886265
>OP is a CRAYZEE BTCH
>that dude is also a CRAYZEE BITCH
>anyone that sides against you is a CRAYZEE BITCH
If you really can't get why that's confusing to follow, you should get off of here and concentrate in English class a little more. You can can get an A, I have faith in you!
>>16886277
>he told me his facebook cover page (a photo of him and her) is never going to be taken down.
aka
>mommy still has that photo of my dead brother on the stand
Shes the profile pic. This is literally demanding you remove all pics of your loved ones. When your child dies, remember, you cant have any photos of him anywhere ever.
>>16886279
There's a WORLD of difference between bringing a life into being and a romantic relationship. Not better or worse, but so different that your analogy is shit.
>>16886282
or you could follow the post. Theres an easy extension for you. Just click the person being quoted. Computers arent that hard.
>>16886285
>taking down a public declaration of love is EXACTLY like burning all of your old pictures and memories!!!!!
Autism_speaks.jpg
>>16886275
>If my analogy is about fruits I can use whatever fruits I want. Stop being retarded. The two are analogous.
>>16886275
I can't believe I have to point out twice how wrong you are. Seriously. Just stop embarrassing yourself.
It is NOT:
>Oranges and apples grow on trees.
It's
>Oranges and apples grow on trees. Therefore they are the same thing
Me:
>No, they aren't. While they may both grow on trees and both are fruits, they are *NOT* the same thing
Seriously. For fuck sake, don't post again.
>>16886282
Oh you are OP. I thought you left this thread. Thats hilarious. Dont jump in a conversation you werent invited to. Ive only been replying to one person. But it applies to you as well.
But yeah, I was calling him a crazy bitch, but you are in fact also one it seems.
>>16886287
All differences are irrelevant. see>>16886275
Stop being a retard.
>>16886297
You are actually retarded and dont understand analogies. This is just an case of you running from the truth that you are a crazy manipulative bitch.
Youre so delusional you are trying to discount the concept of analogies now.
>>16886295
Oh I didnt realize you couldnt keep photos of your dead loved ones up. When your child dies be sure not to have them as your background or anywhere for the public to see.
>>16886299
op types..... with lots of periods.... and no caps.... like a shy hesitant person...... like this.
I'm not OP and this is a public imageboard. If you want to flirt privately you should exchange Skypes.
>>16886285
This is you
>Sidestep
I was responding to:
>OP never complained about either of these
Which she clearly did. So, what was that you were saying? Don't try sidestep.
>>16886314
>Which she clearly did.
No, you are just projecting there. He has not compared or neglected her. Just cite your sources bro. Its all in this thread.
Now obviously you cant because you are making shit up so that you can project.
>>16886310
Hey, we're back to this again
This is you:
See:
>>16886297
>Oranges and apples grow on trees.
>THEREFORE, THEY ARE THE SAME THING. SO IF YOU DON'T AGREE WITH APPLES, YOU MUST NOT AGREE WITH ORANGES
Do you realize how fucking retarded you sound?
>>16886310
>that butthurt hyperbole
>>16886320
No you are just retarded and dont understand an analogy. Heres a game.
make analogy you want. Ill spoil it for you. It ends with me being retarded like you and pointing out that there are differences irrelevant to the point you are making. Dumb manipulative bitch.
>>16886321
>hyperbole
I didnt realize loving someone wasnt a real issue lol. Silly me. I actually have the capacity to love someone.
>>16886318
You said OP didn't complain about any of these. She's quite clearly complaining about the pic being up on facebook.
>>OP never complained about either of these
So, we can quite clearly establish that you said this.
This is how pathetic you are. You asked for sources, you received the source, and rather than admit you were wrong, you try shift the goalpost.
>>16886327
>being uncomfortable with constant public mooning (not autocorrected mourning) is totally the same as screaming at him to get over it!
>>16886330
I said OP never complained about being neglected or compared. Which she never said. Look if you are going to act more and more retarded I feel like I should stop before you lose your ability to breathe.
It's understandable that he feels this way, but he clearly isn't ready to be in a relationship yet, and you don't deserve to be 2nd place to a ghost. I would break up with him, but it's easy to say that as a 3rd party. Even so, I don't think either of you are in the wrong. It's just.. unfortunate.
I do think that there is a chance that with time he will move on a bit. He'll never forget her, but maybe you'll start taking priority. However, I don't think it's healthy to be second place and this relationship could take a toll on your mental health.
>>16886299
that wasn't me, i dont type with caps...
came back itt to address this post >>16886220 because it made me think.
thank you for your insight; you're right i think, he does love me and his actions do show it... even if he's telling me this stuff...
i haven't heard from him yet. i think he went to bed. it hurts so much. i wish he had said something. anything. guess i'll be going to sleep with this in my mind...
been following the thread a bit while watching "always" as someone suggested to me elsewhere. still can't make up my mind on whether to stay with him or leave.
on the topic of the photo; i do feel that he can keep his photos of his ex... maybe in his room or in an album or something... i'm more uncomfortable with how he puts it up in public for me and him to see always and everyone else...
>>16886335
Oh you can constantly and publicly moon with a dead person. didnt know that.
>>16886339
Why does seeing her make you uncomfortable? She existed. Can you not accept that.
>>16886323
No, this is to do with you refusing to see the difference between a child and a partner. You keep using a child to justify keeping up a picture of an ex partner because they are both loved ones. But the analogy is flawed. You don't choose your child. Your child is your blood, and will always stay your blood. You will unconditionally love your child, that's not the case with a partner. You don't have sex with your child.
All these are reasons why while they may be similar, they are NOT THE SAME THING. So, because they are and WORK *completely* different, your justification doesn't work. It's perfectly acceptable to keep a picture of a dead child about on your facebook, but not your ex, despite if you love them or not. Furthermore, it's disrespectful to your current partner if you're seeing one.
>>16886348
>You don't have sex with your child
Let me make this easy for you. No two things are the same and thats not the purpose of the analogy. If you have a problem with an analogy you have to attack how the differences impact the point being made.
Having sex can be replaced with any activity between loved ones because its a fucking analogy.
>You will unconditionally love your child, that's not the case with a partner
This is true for you because you are a crazy manipulative bitch. Love isnt something with conditions on it.
>>16886350
>This is true for you because you are a crazy manipulative bitch. Love isnt something with conditions on it.
>Let me make this easy for you. No two things are the same and thats not the purpose of the analogy.
Let me make this easy for you. If no two things are the same, you cannot make the justification that keeping a picture of an ex up while being with a partner, is the same as keeping a picture of your child up. Since you aknowledge here that no two things are the same, kindly stop using a child as a justification as to why that's okay to do it with an ex, because it's not the same. Your words.
Yes, because people don't fall out of love ever, right? I'm sure people fall out of love with their child the same as a partner because both are unconditional, right?
This is you again, refusing to aknowledge the difference between a child and a partner.
>>16886360
>no two things are the same so analogies are a flawed concept
Yeah you are stupid on top of being a dumb manipulative bitch. Point out how the two photos are different in context of loved ones if you want to discount the analogy.
>Yes, because people don't fall out of love ever, right?
There are plenty of people who dont love their children. Why do you think adoption exist. Whats your point here. If your love has conditions then you didnt really love the person.
>>16886346
i guess when i see him put the photo of his ex and himself up for everyone to see, it still feels like he's in a relationship with her. i'm not asking that he deletes the photo, and never look at it again. even i want him to keep his photos of his ex somewhere.
but maybe in an album or something. some place he can take it out whenever he wants to look at it or if he misses her. if in public, people will assume and ask questions... they'll ask "who is she, isn't he dating [anon]"
i don't know.
>>16886370
>Yeah you are stupid on top of being a dumb manipulative bitch.
I'm going to repeat this:
>Let me make this easy for you. If no two things are the same, you cannot make the justification that keeping a picture of an ex up while being with a partner, is the same as keeping a picture of your child up. Since you aknowledge here that no two things are the same, kindly stop using a child as a justification as to why that's okay to do it with an ex, because it's not the same. Your words.
>Your words
>Your words.
I don't need to discount the analogy. I've already done that several times by pointing out the differences between a partner and a child.
Instead, I'm going to repeat this to you, because this entire topic is you just refusing point blank that a child is not the SAME as a partner.
If you are unable to grasp the difference between a child and a partner, I seriously suggest you seek therapy. I'm not trolling here. If you seriously, seriously need someone to point out why they are different, seek medical attention.
>>16886382
There are no relevant differences between the two.
>a child is not the SAME as a partner.
NO TWO THINGS ARE THE SAME. THE CONCEPT OF EQUAL IS RETARDED.
This is how bad you sound. You are too stupid. Let me guess. You never went to college. Maybe community college is possible for a retarded bitch like you.
>>16886376
Why can he only look at her when he misses her. He has no reason to be ashamed or hide is past and should be able to look fondly on it. You are his present, she is his past.
To give you another perspective, instead of trying to be part of his life, it sounds like you are trying to replace her. Even if this isnt the case, hes going to interpret it as you trying to remove her from the scene. And as it sounds, thats exactly what you are doing. Shes dead jim.
>"who is she, isn't he dating [anon]"
You realize this question is way more painful for him than for you. All you have to say to answer is shes someone important to him that happens to be dead.
>>16886392
>There are no relevant differences between the two.
Seek medical attention. There is a massive difference. You need therapy if you cannot establish the difference. I'm serious. Stop typing. Pick up the phone. I do not have the relevant skills needed. I'm not a doctor. I'm not qualified here. Only they can help you pinpoint the difference.
>NO TWO THINGS ARE THE SAME. THE CONCEPT OF EQUAL IS RETARDED.
So we're agreed that keeping a picture of an ex is equal to that of a child? Excellent! Glad you got there in the end.
>>16886400
>So we're agreed that keeping a picture of an ex is equal to that of a child?
You finally get the picture. About time.
>>16886399
Don't listen to this guy. Look at how it's all about "him him him". His problems. His life. His pain. Notice how it's you OP that's supposed to do all the understanding. This is the sort of man your boyfriend is. He calls others selfish, while being completely narcisstic. Get out while you can.
>>16886406
So you're finally in agreement then? That the concept of equal is retarded, it doesn't exist? I mean you said that, right? So we FINALLY agree that you cannot use a childs picture to justify keeping a picture of your ex?
Great!!!!
>>16886407
Because it is all about him. Hes done nothing wrong and yet she wants change. Anyone who considers themselves first over someone dealing with a lost loved one shouldnt be allowed to enter into relationship.
Is he mistreating her somehow? If not then yeah, shes the one with the problem.
>>16886409
>That the concept of equal is retarded, it doesn't exist? I mean you said that, right?
No only retards think this. I was just pointing out your mindset for you to see how retarded you are. Of course Im not retarded so I understand the concept of equality.
But as you said
>we're agreed that keeping a picture of an ex is equal to that of a child?
Which means you arent 100% retarded since you are able to see how they are equal here.
>>16886414
>Because it is all about him.
No, it's about being a couple, you narcisstic cunt.
>Hes done nothing wrong and yet she wants change
He's refusing to let go of an ex, and is that selfish that he doesn't realize that asking someone else into a relationship while refusing to let go of an ex isn't normal, nor is it condoned for most part. Instead, if he's anything like you, he shifts the responsibility onto the other person for having the audacity to not want the relationship to be about them, not "him and everything he wants"
>Anyone who considers themselves first over someone dealing with a lost loved one shouldnt be allowed to enter into relationship.
Anyone who is that selfish to enter into a new relationship while expecting people to handle that emotional baggage is someone who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship.
>>16886422
>He's refusing to let go of an ex
Shes dead. Do you not get this. Theres nothing selfish on his part.
>>16886416
>No only retards think this.
>>16886392
>NO TWO THINGS ARE THE SAME. THE CONCEPT OF EQUAL IS RETARDED.
>>16886416
But hey, let me contradict myself some more!
>THE CONCEPT OF EQUAL IS RETARDED
>you are able to see how they are equal here.
>you are able to see how they are equal here.
>you are able to see how they are equal here.
HEY, IM YOU! LET ME CONTRADICT MASELF SOME MORE!
>>16886424
>She's dead
>Implying that makes it okay, and that it's not possible to get hung up over dead people
Someone doesn't need to be alive. But good job ignoring the rest because you can't answer it.
>>16886427
>I cant read blatant satire
Alright. As I said before, I was worried youd only become more and more retarded to the point where you cant breathe and it seems as though you are at the breaking point. In the end inorder to deny how retarded you are you seem to the analogies and equality doesnt exist. I feel dumber just talking to you so Ill stop.
>>16886434
The rest says hes selfish. Which is just false. Shes dead. Not some past fling to get over.
>>16886437
Excellent!
So maybe you care to answer this post then?
>o, this is to do with you refusing to see the difference between a child and a partner. You keep using a child to justify keeping up a picture of an ex partner because they are both loved ones. But the analogy is flawed. You don't choose your child. Your child is your blood, and will always stay your blood. You will unconditionally love your child, that's not the case with a partner. You don't have sex with your child.
All these are reasons why while they may be similar, they are NOT THE SAME THING. So, because they are and WORK *completely* different, your justification doesn't work. It's perfectly acceptable to keep a picture of a dead child about on your facebook, but not your ex, despite if you love them or not. Furthermore, it's disrespectful to your current partner if you're seeing on
>>16886441
>>Implying that makes it okay, that some exception should be made for you.
No, it doesn't. It really doesn't. If you can't get over your ex, don't date. It's that simple. Don't date, there's your answer.
>>16886449
You arent mature enough to understand what getting over someone means. Hes over her already. Evident by the fact he has a gf.
>>16886452
>Implying that people in the world don't date who aren't over someone.
No, just no. Don't date. It's really that simple. If you have shit to deal with, hung up on ex, don't date. It's selfish to expect new partners to deal with your baggage.
>>16886454
>dead people are baggage
>>16886457
>Tries to strawman because they don't have a comeback
I'm going to repeat this again since you seem to ignore posts you can't answer. If you have baggage, don't date. If you date and expect/demand new partners to deal with your baggage, you are being selfish.
>>16886457
Additionally:
"Emotional baggage is an everyday expression that correlates with many varied but similar concepts within social sciences, self-help movements, and other fields: its general concern is with unresolved issues of an emotional nature, often with an implication that the emotional baggage is detrimental.
As a metaphorical image, it is that of carrying all the disappointments, wrongs, and trauma of the past around with one in a heavy load."
Jokes on you.
Guy who is in the same situation here. Interesting this thread has engendered such different viewpoints.
To OP, I thought a bit more about your situation through the day. I think I misstated, or didn't clearly state, certain things. When I said I got close to ending things, it is true; but every time I had those feelings it forced me to move forward bit by bit. This is something unavoidable, I think. The feelings are too co plea and powerful to not want to push over the edge sometimes, but having a loving partner to step forward with is always the light that pulls back.
I called my ex fiancé my true love. That really held true until I realized that my current partner is a true, mature, adult love that is my present and future. I realize my ex fiancé is my past.
-
As far as my wife, I know how difficult it has been for her, but I don't really, really know. It was much more difficult in the beginning, when it seemed like she was trying to push my past out of my life. It took a lot of nights of crying and cuddling and loving to get her to understand, or to seem to understand, that my ex fiancé wasn't anything that needed to be competed against, jealousy or envy needed to be attached to, and that her part in my past was also not going away. At some point, fairly early on, she was, or seemed, okay with my past.
It was still a struggle for me for years after this, but the strong relationship we had was my rock.
-
If you choose to leave him, you can't be blamed. It is a harder road than most relationships. Be honest to yourself, and be open with your man. Also, perhaps, if you think you're pushing too hard, you might be. That will, I think, be the deal breaker for him. He needs a partner who can live with what his past was, and moves at his pace in his process. Pushing will just make his life terrible.
Best of luck, anonette.
Just talk to him you crazy bitch, 98% of relationship problems can be fixed with just talking to your partner.
>>16885067
It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He needs to sort his shit out. Tell him you'll be there when he does. Until then, keep looking until you're somebody's number one.
>>16885067
He's obviously not ready for a relationship and he's using you to fill the hole that she left in his life.
He probably never will get over it and stop being weird. Poor guy
>>16885067
Definitely not ready for a relationship, when he still thinks he's in one.
Sounds like he hasn't fully comprehended that she is dead, and for it to be 2-3 years on and him still be this attached is.. Kind of delusional. He needs help. Not a girlfriend, and you accepting his behaviour is only going to make it worse. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's reality.
In regards to baggage, if it's bad like a death, they probably won't totally lose the baggage. It will always we there but not always noticeable. Like they might cry during a song, or pause for a moment when going through some familiar motion. But to have so much baggage that it comes before other important people in your life.. Well that's debilitating. Not helpful at all.
You want to help him right OP? Well I would suggest to him that he needs to say goodbye to his dead GF. Maybe write her a letter or something.
