How do I stop developing a crush on every single guy who expresses the slightest amount of care or concern about me?
this is a legit problem.
date one of them and learn from it
This is almost identical to the line that Jim Carrey says in Eternal Sunshine.
Are you pulling a fast one on me?
>>16839941
Get to know them better? Start trying to learn about other people, instead of focusing so much on what THEY do for YOU
>>16840037
This dude gets it
>>16840030
I can't afford to lose this job.
>>16840031
No, but I relate to that movie on a deep level.
>>16840037
I don't know how to approach people in that way. I still haven't grown out of the creepy childish stalker-thing where I sneakily just learn as much as I can about them without actually becoming friends, and that is a problem.
>>16840046
>I can't afford to lose this job.
have you lost a job over obsessing about a guy before?
>>16840046
Yeah, that is the root of the problem, then. You just have to realize that you're not really developing a crush on THEM, you're just in love with the attention. The rest is pretty much a fantasy you've invented.
It's easier said then done, but you basically need to reverse your thinking on this. The types of crushes you're talking about are pretty much just an endless mental loop of "Will he like me? Does he like me? Will he actually like me?"
You need to start asking yourself "Do I actually like him?" And usually, you can't really have an honest answer to that question until you've at least had a few real one-on-one conversations.
The first step is just to be friendly. Say hi, find an excuse to make conversation.
>>16839941
Hey OP you seem like a pretty cool girl. I'm concerned about you though. These feelings aren't good to have. A cutie like you should have their pick of any boy she wants
>>16840088
In a rational level, I am 100% aware that this guy doesn't actually care that nobody's teaching me to do the job. He's just annoyed that someone's doing his job badly.
>>16840105
>being this thirsty
Holy fuck.
>>16840119
>Not realizing that I was saying exactly what she said causes her to crush on people
>Not getting the joke
Oh my. You're a special one aren't you?
>>16840105
I can SMELL the creepiness coming off this post
>>16840112
Did you respond to the wrong post? I have no clue what this means
>>16840129
>>16840132
>>16840119
Lmao, remember dude /adv/ is most normie board of them all
>>16840135
He said getting to know the guy would make the delusion of being cared for disappear. I said I already know it's irrational, but that does not help.
>>16840119
>>16840132
Exceptionally poor bait or an inability to pick up on humour that wasn't even the least bit fucking subtle. Some of you are pathetically stupid.
>>16840148
I never said it would "make the delusion of being cared for disappear." I never even said it was a delusion. It might not be, guys who show you care and attention might actually be interested.
The point is, not EVERY guy who pays attention to you is actually going to be a good fit for a relationship. There's nothing wrong with having an "irrational" crush. If you actually get to know the guy, you might learn things about him that cause you to lose interest. Or he might turn out to be great, and you can go out together, and that's good.
I'm still not quite sure what you meant by
>I am 100% aware that this guy doesn't actually care that nobody's teaching me to do the job. He's just annoyed that someone's doing his job badly.
Are you talking about the guy you have a crush on? I think you're assuming we have context for this situation that you haven't actually explained yet
>>16840173
Oh, sorry.
I started a new job recently. It's not very hard but I'm not very bright, and the person who was supposed to instruct me weaseled away so I for the past two weeks I have been doing the job badly instead.
And then This Guy (imagine a pockmarked white Mike Tyson who always seems like he hasn't slept for 2 days and just came from his father's funeral) who is already training 3 other noobs of his own asked whether my instructor has done anything at all to help me, and he's kind of started teaching me too.
Pretty much every time we pass each other in the hallways he'll stop me with a "didn't [the instructing weasel] teach you how to _____" and then teach me how to do the thing I was doing wrong.
Every once in a while he'll casually just walk up to what I was working on, shuffle through it and put it properly. There isn't any real damage or particularly serious consequences in doing the thing badly, it's just easier to do things right.
He literally does not have to do that.
>>16839941
Better than sticking with one and not beiing able to get away from here.
>>16840216
Yeah, it's impossible to judge at this point.
How does lunchtime usually work at your job? Do people eat together, or does everyone go their separate ways? That's usually a great way to get to know your coworkers without coming off as anything other than "friendly"
Pretty much, you just need to see if he's interested in talking/spending time with you when there's no PRACTICAL reason for him to do so. Right now, it's all in the grey area. He could be taking a special interest in you, or he could just be making sure everything's getting done properly.
Lunch is a good start. See if you can make that happen.
>>16840270
we have three breaks during the day, two 15-minute coffee breaks and one that's 30 minutes. People generally have them in a 15-30-15 order, and you can't (or shouldn't, all I got was "don't") have a break within the first or the last hour. So peoples' breaks overlap some. And people tend to lounge around in the break room at the very beginning or ending of the shift.
He's not a chatty person but we've talked some. He's shared some personal things unprompted, but I don't know what to do with that information.
>>16840295
Just let it be for now, I guess. Neither of you are going anywhere, right? Keep looking for opportunities to have little chats when you're not actually working, and just see how it goes.
A good sign would be if he actually seeks out your company if you're both in the break room, or something like that.
People who are lonely or have an empty life are the ones who are usually like this. Fix those and you won't fall in love.
>>16840303
I guess I should.
Reading a person who seems to consist 40% of pathos and 60% mild irritation is going to be interesting regardless.
Why don't you date someone who is not your co worker or boss?
>>16840340
Because getting into speaking terms with another human being isn't like ordering a pizza. It doesn't just randomly happen, and I don't know how to go about deliberately aquiring it.
>>16840348
If you are a girl, just look nice, act kind. If you are boring and dull, nervous, and have a personality of a dead fish, all doesn't matter if you have those two.
>>16840378
>look nice, act kind.
I've tried that.
How do I know which one I'm doing wrong?
>>16840407
If you look in the mirror and someone ugly looks back then the first, if others think about you as a cursed bitch and doesn't want to befriend you then the second.
>>16840415
I think I look normal and I don't think people hate me.
How do I know if people hate me?
>>16840439
They avoid you. They don't want to accept things from you. They try to close you out of their lives.
>>16840454
oh.
what can I do about it?
>>16840469
Be kind and caring.People like that. Even if you are the dumbest nut, they will forgive you. Also look good. Looks sell.
>>16840481
I try to be nice to everyone and make sure everyone is included. I just don't understand what I do wrong.
>>16840501
Tell me concrete situations where you feel you are doing something wrong.
What are you doing?
How do people react?
>>16840505
>Tell me concrete situations where you feel you are doing something wrong.
I don't know. People just haven't liked me most of my life. I was bullied as a kid and I still don't have many friends.
>>16840539
You just sounds really lonely.
How many friends do you have?
How old are you?
>>16840555
Four, I think. I'm pretty sure I have four friends.
I'm 21.
>>16840568
What do those four friends tell you about this and your behavior?
>>16840575
What do you mean?
>>16840591
You said you were doing something wrong and that you don't know what. Ask someone who has known you for years and is trustworthy for a good external perspective. What are you doing wrong?
>>16840604
I'm awkward and say weird things sometimes.
>>16840641
How are you awkward?
Awkward can be cute.
What weird things?
>>16840649
idk I have this whole collection of random weird shit I've read on the internet, and I sometimes blurt them out in a conversation when it feels relevant.
Like the reason why songs get stuck in your head is because your brain is running an "idle program" to keep occupied when you're not using it for anything important. It's like a screensaver.
>>16840671
Those things could be relevant. Learn from people's reactions and do better next time. Also take up some hobbies, spend time together with friends, gain experiences. Things that you can work from. If you spend a lot of time alone, your imagination will be weird.
/thread
>>16840129
You didn't deliver the joke very well, it could have been done but you failed
>>16840671
I also have a broad (but not deep) knowledge of trivia. I tend towards a reputation for being the trivia guy, but I make sure to read the atmosphere of who even cares about shit like neurology. But the problem with that is trivia and stories you've read about is never as interesting as trivia and stories you've lived. You've got to go out and do shit.
But also watch out, no one likes the guy who goes to concert and suddenly he's an "expert" on "concert culture". Be conscious of how much you actually know about something and how much there is to know about something. When Alexander Pope said "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing/drink deep or drink not of the Pyrian Spring" he was talking about assholes who have learned a little and think they've learned a lot.
Also there's no way for us to judge how easy it would be for someone to be attracted to you without pics, so unless you post them we can't really help. Doesn't even need to be a nude either, how you dress is a very communicative tool.
>>16840696
>I'm too stupid to understand it
>You didn't deliver the joke well enough for my low intellect
Please kill yourself.
>>16840689
So it will wash off if I spend enough time with other people?
>>16840693
He's very rough-looking and not at all "my type". There's just a weird contrast between the amount of care and effort he offers and the otherwise air of permanent gloom.
>>16840731
I don't consider myself an expert on anything, all the weird shit (that I generally refer to as "weird shit") is just random shit I've read that I have no personal attachment to. If someone says I'm wrong about it, I don't heel down and fight them about it, I'd just be happy of learning better.
I don't know how to learn equally interesting things without getting killed.
>>16840758
Yes it will wash off. Mutual experiences will take their place.
>>16840758
>I don't know how to learn equally interesting things without getting killed.
There was no reason to assume lethal danger, which indicates that you think that's what constitutes something "interesting".
Go to a play. Join some kind of organization. Volunteer somewhere. Find a hobby that doesn't require loads of disposable income but does require you to talk to other people. If you're a musician, join a local chorus, band or orchestra.
>>16840778
So just... Going outside and doing normal things?
>>16840791
Exactly.
Something that a lot of people need to realize is that interesting people aren't interesting because they do interesting things, but because they think interesting thoughts.
Who would you rather hang out with: the Eagle Scout who did it because he loves hiking and thinks nature and tracking and knots and community service are cool as shit and have some kind of perspective on it and can apply what he's learned to aspects of his life you'd never see a connection to? Or the Eagle Scout who did it just because it looked good on a college application and forgot everything within a year?
With the right mindset, even the mundane becomes magical; with the wrong mindset, even the magical becomes mundane.
>>16840803
How do I get interested in things?
>>16840811
Try new things. Some of them will be enjoyable. Now they're interests.
>>16840811
The way I did it was by making lots of acquaintances and a bunch more friends.
I wouldn't have gotten into, say, pen-and-paper RPGs (probably the most social nerd hobby around and a great way to make sure a group of friends stays in touch) if not for a pair of guys I met in college and still talk to now. Now my primary game group is people I went to high school with, because I and one other guy decided to introduce it to them on a whim.
Another anecdotal example: I joined a new church around this time last year. At the time, I was basically a hermit - I'd dropped out of contact with a lot of my high school, college and hometown friends, I was on 4chan all day erryday, my job search ethic sucked ass, I wasn't doing anything in my industry (entertainment production).
It's been almost a year since then. I made a ton of new friends through the church, there's a small group I go to every week where I met about half of those people, I'm in a leadership role in their tech team (directing cameramen and controlling displays) and the leader of the entire team wrote me an absolutely glowing reference letter, they let me know whenever they're planning to do a choir thing so I can participate, I'm back in contact with high school and college friends, I worked for 3 months (seasonal), made a few industry contacts and just had a job interview, and I started exercising and lost 20 lbs so far. Pretty much the only thing that hasn't changed for the better is I'm still a kissed virgin with no relationship prospects who lives at home and has no car, but most of those things can change once I get work.
>>16840088
Damn, this nigga selling it straight.
Also, OP: I know what you're talking about with the creepy childish stalker-thing. When will I grow out of this? It makes me feel so gross.
Op, are you still there? Are you okay? I'm worried about you. I hope you are alright.
>>16840994
I don't really have any reason to be alive.
I'm lonely but you can't get a partner if you're unhappy. It's like they won't sell you food if you're hungry, because people don't work like that and nobody wants a charity case.
>>16841003
It's not that you're unhappy, it's that other people know that you're unhappy.
The reason girls tend to like a guy more if he's in a relationship is because a guy in a relationship tends to be more genuinely confident because just the simple fact of having a girlfriend can stroke your ego to completion, and when you're emotionally validated you're not going around looking for someone to emotionally validate you.
The trick is to not let unhappiness stop you or allow it to dominate your mood.
>>16839941
just gotta wait for it. it comes with experience. by mid-life you will realize that human relationships are bullshit and struggle to feign interest. enjoy your youth.
>>16841735
But I am a good liar.
I'm such a good liar that my family still doesn't believe that my depression and anxiety are real, or that they're causing it. I've looked my own mother flat in the eye and told her I'm unhappy and she does not believe me.
Do men read minds?
>>16842273
It's not the unhappiness. Men take pride in making you happy. It's that for some reason you are giving off creepy or crazy vibes, or are so unattractive that men just don't want to date you.
>>16842287
How do I stop that?
>>16842290
Ugliness? With makeup, losing weight and dressing nice.
>>16842298
I don't like wearing makeup, I'm roughly at my optimal weight, and we have uniforms at work.
>>16842299
There must be something wrong as well.
Post pic
>>16842300
I have short hair and one of my eyes is higher up than the other.
>>16840031
Not OP but I have the exact same issue as a guy with girls. That line struck a fucken chord with me
>>16842306
How much higher?
How does your hair look?
>>16842312
Enough that it's visible in photos but not really in mirrors.
It's a bit overgrown crew cut. I tried to grow my hair out for four years but I simply can't stand having long hair, I just hate it so much.
>>16840216
What job senpai?
>>16842321
Carrying boxes from point A to point B in a factory.
>>16842315
>crew cut
Well growing that out would be a really good idea. Don't grow it out totally long, just medium long. Even that is much more feminine. It needs to show that you pay attention to your appearance.
>>16842327
I hated it like that, too. I just hate having hair, period. I keep myself clean and fit as a matter of personal comfort, but I just fucking hate paying attention to my appearance, all the time and every single time. I've never spent a moment in front of a mirror that I did not hate.
>>16842331
Then you know your answer. Men aren't attracted to bulldyke looking women.
i don't know, i'd like to stop that as much as you,
the problem in my case is that i'm fat and ugly so i mistake every scrap of attention as interest
not even being facetious
i've gotten crushes on neckbeard weebs because they're the only ones who'll talk to me
but said neckbeard weebs won't even take me most of the time
i think the solution is, (but it's too late for me to do this because i'm already old, you might still have time) to try and get yourself into that category of women who actually have choice. where you're not settling for just someone who'll give you the time of day, but someone who you find genuinely attractive. it takes a lot of work, but life sucks and i want to kill myself.
>>16842338
So in order to be loved, I have to pretend to be someone else, forever?
>>16842331
That sort of screams 'red flag' to me OP. You cant even look at a mirror for a little bit?
>>16840088
yeah but if you don't have anything to offer those guys, you'll just end up like the fucking guys here who lament they can't get stacy when they haven't shaved or gone to the gym EVER
first self-improvement
then confidence to ask these questions
>>16842340
Where are you getting that from? Men are not going to love you if you cant even catch their eye. Become someone that others want to date, if you want to date.
>>16842340
No, you have to get in touch with your feminity because if you don't that would be causing problems down the road in a relationship anyway.
>>16842340
yeah it sucks
men are fucking idiots
but if you want one of them you gotta like put in a lot of effort
it's strange to me as well, because i grew up neglected and poor and didn't fully realize just how much work goes into maintaining some sort of social appeal. i see women spend on average hundreds of dollars a month maintaining an appearance and that shit is COMPLETELY foreign to me. when i was a teenager i was worried about whether or not i was going to get beaten that day or if i got to eat. i had to learn all of this shit in a crash course by myself, no friends, nobody to talk to, just trial and error finding out whether or not people were repulsed by me during employment for the last decade or so.
>>16842343
I can look into a mirror just fine, but using it for anything, like doing my hair and makeup, is just a full 20 minutes of "ugh. ugh. ew. iugh. ugh. ew." It's pulling nails.
>>16842351
I don't care about the way I look and my goal for appearance is comfortable and easy to maintain.
Investing time and money into looking the way I don't want to look just feels like having to buy a horse because other people feel like you should have one.
>>16842353
I tried to get in touch with my femininity, once. I wore skirts and dresses exclusively for like three years. It was pulling teeth. I hated every minute of it. Tried to kill myself once.
>>16842359
>hated every minute of it, pulling teeth
I see bitching goes well, you made the first step in getting torch with your feminity, now get in touch with the rest.
>>16842370
I did try. I did wear makeup, grow out my hair (when I realised I could never bring myself to getting it past a bob without getting the urge to cut it, I spent 100 euros on hair extensions), wasted so much money on makeup, dresses, heels, jewellery and perfumes, plucked my eyebrows, shaved everything every two days, even bought false eyelashes I never managed to glue on successfully, and the performance never stopped being a boring, unpleasant, disgusting chore.
I spent four years at that, and it never stopped being exhausting and unpleasant.
>>16842387
there's more to being female than looking like a plastic whore tho
>>16842403
Then what am I supposed to look like?
Just fucking give me a list. Tell me what to wear, tell me what to look like. I'll hate it regardless, it literally does not matter.
>>16839941
Sauce on pic?
>>16842414
But we pretty much already did that and you said you refused to do that.
By learning not to need validation from others.
This is the polar opposite of 'why won't girls like me even though I'm such a nice guy' and the problem is the same. View people as people first, and as romantic objects second.
