End of childhood:

>Be 11, about to start secondary school/high school (whatever it's called in your country)
>Drunk Mother pours volatile chemicals that my Father has from work down the sink, obsessed he is trying to poison her
>She inhales the chemicals which screws up her breathing
>Later that night, while I was asleep, Mother tries to attack my Father. He pushes a pillow against her face to keep her away.

>Late at night. Woken up by stranger's voice. Sneak onto the stairs and listen. My Grandma, my Sister, and a police officer downstairs, I don't make out any words.
>Police officer leaves. I get found on the stairs.

"Anon, what are you doing up..."
"Where is Mum and Dad?"
"...They went to the hospital, Mum is not well."

>Don't believe them, I only ever trust my Father to tell me the truth. I insist on waiting for him to get back
>Finally, Father stumbles through the back door looking like he'd seen a ghost.

"Where's Mum?" I asked while running up to hug him
"Your Mum's dead."

I turned around and quietly walked with him back into the room.

>Next day, Police come to arrest my Dad on suspicion of murder.
>My Mum's side of the family all hate my Dad. Together they make up lies to get him sentenced to 15 years in prison.
>Have to leave home and live with my Grandma who lives in a wonky old shit house
>She shouts at me and insults me and my family often.
>Learn that staying in my room and avoiding people is the only way I can pass the days.
>Video games are the only thing I have left

School years:

>After summer, start school. Alone, scared, cry on the first day.
>Hate school, especially PE/Gym (No, I am NOT fat)
>Dad calls me once a day at my Grandmas, he finds it hard to cope. In truth I think I am the only reason he chooses to live
>Life is really difficult. I self harm and consider killing myself a lot.
>Discover I am gay but keep it secret, fall in love with straight boy, lots of drama and sad stuff
>Also discover the internet.
Let me tell you, the longer you spend on the internet, the worse you become. After 10 years of being alone in a room with nothing but the internet, I am into some weird shit.
>Discover lolicon, shotacon, furry
>Fap to it all
Oh god what have I become...
>Oh well as long as it's not hurting anyone, right?
>All I dreamed about was having a boyfriend so I wasn't alone and didn't have to be scared anymore

Cousin:

>During the holidays I go to my cousin's house
>Love my cousin and Auntie
Cousin is a girl by the way. That should keep you interested. She is two years younger than me.
>Cousin becomes my best friend
>Share all sorts of secrets with her, that I am gay, who my crushes are etc.
>She tells me lewd stuff about how she masturbates and guys she obsessed over
>Fall in love with her
Wait what
>Because we are so close I eventually confess that I love her and also that I am into cartoon kiddies
>She eventually understands and keeps it between us
>We even cuddle in bed sometimes
>Occasionally I freak her out by taking things too far, getting too sexual with her, but only ever in text, too scared to try anything irl

Steam:

>Discover steam
>Play soooo much online games
>Currently have over 7000 hours of play time
>Meet many people over steam have a big group, consider them my closest friends
>Even voice chat with some of them
>tfw virtual life is better than real life

Downfall:

>Browsing shota one day
>See a post on a chan that is obviously an illegal link of cp
>Sickened but curious
>Follow the link down the rabbit hole
>Discover the world of cp
>Freaked out, heart racing, huge rush
>Becomes a thing I did every so often
>Even use Tor and shit
>I confess to my cousin that I do this, I trusted her with my life. Didn't see a reason not to tell her everything. BIG MISTAKE.

Life went on, I made it out of school alive, went to college for 2 years, and now I am at university.
At this point in the story, all the pieces are in place for a massive shitstorm. Are ya ready kids?

>At my cousin's house one day, on my laptop in her room. Decide it would be funny to let her hear my friends in a chatroom.
>Only one person in chat, this guy I'm not too close to but he seemed pretty nice, helped me fix my PC many times.
>Oh yeah, and he has a voice that enchants young naive girls... Whoops.
>We start talking while my cousin listens, she holds up a message to me saying "He sounds cute! (>^.^<)".
>Friend hears her giggling at his jokes.
>I should mention this guy has a history with going off with girls from steam, usually very young girls, despite him being close to 30, each time the relationships don't last long.
>Later when I am gone they add each other on steam, they get talking
>Within a day they are voice chatting.
>Within a week they are on 24 hour webcam chat with each other
>Not exaggerating, they literally watch each other sleep.
>They plan to meet up in my Cousin's town.
>On an unrelated note, I get a new PC and decide to donate my old laptop to my cousin, who Fred and her fix up and start using to play with each other
>Cousin spends less and less time with me and more time chatting to her boyfriend
>I really hate it but I try my best not to say anything, maybe I am just jealous?
>Cousin and boyfriend make plans to meet up in her town
>I have to go home earlier than usual one holiday to make room for him
>Cousin starts to dislike my company
>She freaks out if I even touch her
>One night I tell her that she should tell me if there is something wrong
>Later on get called downstairs by my Auntie. She tells me my cousin has been crying.
>My Auntie finds out I have been too affectionate with my Cousin
>She has the most cringe conversation with me about how I need mental help
>the first time my cousin chose not to open up to me and broke my trust

Fast forward to me being back at uni, and my cousin and her boyfriend being now at my cousin's house.
RIP cousin's virginity.

>Get phone call.
>It's my Auntie
>Apparently there's been a lot of talking while they had their special guest over.

I honestly don't know half of what she said because I had to pull the phone away from my ear but she knows I loved my cousin, she even asks me if I like little kids.

>Holy shit
>Find out the steam friend and my cousin have been spilling everything
>Steam friend contacts me later
>He asks me if I hate him
>I say no, but you and my cousin have made my life much more difficult now
>He says he will remove me until I change my ways


This Christmas was spent at my Grandma's rather than at my cousin's house. There was no room for me there. My once steam friend has now replaced me at my cousin's house. Grandma and Dad don't understand what has happened between me and my cousin.

Current life

>I'm 20 now
>Doing pretty well at uni
>Don't go out drinking but I love my house mates
>Still no boyfriend but I am slowly developing socially, and I am on medication for social anxiety.
>Don't look at cp anymore, but nobody will ever take my shotas away from me.
TL;DR

>lost my family
>most painful depressing childhood
>fell in love with cousin, my only friend
>told her my dirty pedo secrets
>Online friend and cousin get together, tell all my dirty secrets
>RIP life
So what do you think?
Any advice on what I should do?
Apart from kill myself of course

Geezus fucking christ, i thaught my life was shiet...first advice get a pychiatrist or therapist whom u can tell all this instead of anons on 4chan. I would advise moving to another state/city away from the scoial nightmare u are stuck in there is a reason ppl should keep secrets secret...telling ur cousin and or ur steam friends that u watch child porn..was the dumbest thing u could have ever done..delete every cp trail. Got becuz sooner or later they will call the feds on ya.

Also optional but maybe useful : since ur cousin told u her dirty secrets, if u have some real dirt on her LET HER KNOW..so she knows its not only ur social life thats on the line

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this close to 30 year old is dating someone that was 18 or younger at the time?

And your aunt had no problem with this?

wtf?

>>16776003
Gay guy falling in.love with his female cousin, telling his cousin.he.watches.childporn and they still hang out.... and the only issue u see is a 28-30 year old fucking a teen?

>>16776171
Some of the stuff he was into was weird, but he never actually did anything destructive (besides maybe watching cp, that's pretty messed up). His aunt finds out about his weird fetish and she freaks out, but has no problem with her daughter who is a teenager dating a near 30 year old?

I mean your nephew who is into weird internet shit being close with your daughter is a definite no no. A 30 year old dude your daughter met online who she met through your weird nephew (she might not know about that though) is just as much of a no no.

>>16776296
Thats the point, it doesnt make sense unless the friend lied to both of them and said he was 23-24