I need help, /adv/ involving my beau and I, and my Mother as the 3rd party.
I am 31 and living at home, I cannot find a job in my town, but by God every job I see for miles are stand up/physical jobs; I have a pinched nerve in my back that prohibits me from standing and walking for long periods.
He is 25 and lives in a group home.
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I respect my Mother, and I love her greatly. This is her house and while I hate it sometimes I have to abide by her rules. ... My beau and I are currently in a LDR, he lives in the next town.. My car died and he has no car to speak of; we use public transit on the weekends to get him over here - to my Mother's house - so that we can visit with one another.
All we have to see each other currently, is the home visits and a place we go for a few hours a day and hang out with other people - then go home; he says it is not enough and if that's all we have to go on then he doesn't see why it's going to work out with us.
He'll go on and on about how he doesn't want me to give up, but then he turns around and threatens to leave; all because of my Mother... <cont>
I've been itching for couples therapy, esp when the fighting between us has been ongoing for a week and a half; there seems to be no end in sight. My Therapist agreed to help us... I have an appointment on Wednesday and everything was starting to come into fruition... He could stay for a couple days, but only if he came on Wednesday first and then got back home on his own.
Mom has not been feeling good for a week so I knew that she felt like shit, but he would stay with me about 98% of the time - but when I ran off to have a break from the family, she said that "All you two do is stay up in that room!" ... So, wtf? Recently she had said that she (thinks) she is ready for him to come back out.
We had plans today, Mom and I, to go out and enjoy our day.. He cannot get a way to get here on Wed and can only come today - suddenly my Mother isn't feeling well and has to lay down.
I want to be on my Mother's side, because I know that she is NOT feeling good, so I know she's not making this pain up... But at the same time, I'm calling BS because if she wasn't ready for him to come back out, she should not have said anything. Granted I did not intend for it to be so soon, but it's the only time that will work.
I was encouraged to stand up to my Mother, and not fold under pressure, and I have tried. But I know for a fact that one of her arguments will be "You can see each other @ The Center!" ... He says that's not good enough because it's only for a couple hours, three at most.
I know better than to beg to my Mother because I know that'll only piss her off and encourage her to say NO more firmly and stand her ground- so I am literally at a loss as to what to do.
Help?
>ldr
Stopped reading right there. Get back to us when you are in a real relationship.
your problems aren't relationship problems, they're monetary problems, which are causing relationship stress. focus on finding (or MAKING) work, get a car, get a better place to live, voila, the issues take care of themselves.
Navigate your family drama with care and consideration. I don't see anything that your mom is doing wrong (wondering why you're in your room with him? Feeling sick from a legitimate illness? are you fucking kidding me?). Your relationship with your family is just as important to maintain as it is with this dude.
>>16756799
don't be a moron, they're only a town over.
>>16756799
Don't be a fucking asshole, Anon. I can't help the way things are right now between us and where we live; it's not like we're states away, or worse.
>>16756807
I'm doing my best kind Anon, but at the moment things are not working out - and I don't mean between us - I mean everything that I'm doing. I can't get a working car, I can't find a job - that or I cannot find a job that will work for me - It's like.. everything is happening to break us apart.. a huge brick wall.
I don't know if he's being spoiled, or impatient, or if my Mother is truly trying to fuck things up; I am literally at a loss.
>>16756794
>I'm calling BS
It doesn't matter. She's your mother. It's her house. She's supporting you. Make his visits work on her terms. Keep looking for a job.
>>16756821
I don't see how your mom is trying to fuck things up. I don't see anything that you've describe that would qualify as that, the one-time illness doesn't make sense here, what are you not explaining to us about what she's doing? You only said he's using her as an excuse to threaten to leave you, which -in the absence of her actually doing something unreasonable- is HIS issue, not hers.
>>16756834
Exactly. Hence why I feel he's just .. not being spoiled per say (like I said in my last post) but.. just immensely frustrated; maybe he does want out of this relationship? I don't know..
>>16756850
if I'm understanding his actions correctly, "douchebag" is the term.
>>16756846
In a sense, I do not either, but then he goes on about how I need to STAND UP TO HER NAO puts doubt in my head.
The only thing I left out (that I see) is that her sick. It's been horrible cramping and pain for .. I'm not sure? Maybe 4 days? I'm not upset with her in the least bit! I'm more frustrated with him acting like.. as this Anon ((>>16756858)) said: "Douchebag"
He's like.. "My last relationship's Mother ruined what we had.. If I cannot see you then I don't see a reason why I need to try.." and that "I've been doing all the work!"
>>16756867
yep, he's a douchebag. I mean, he obviously has issues so I'm sympathetic - but people who aren't douchebags don't act this way.
>STAND UP TO HER NAO
this is a manipulation tactic; he's simply shifting blame and trying to confuse you. If your mom isn't acting unreasonable, there's nothing to stand up to her about; it's a smokescreen to take the focus off of himself. In fact what you ought to be doing is standing up to HIM.
>my last relationship
which involved different people, different circumstances, etc - so YOU and YOUR mom are expected to make reparations for his last relationship? nope. Maybe it really was genuinely emotionally scarring for him, but in the best case this is called "baggage" which is still a fault in him. More likely this is another example of emotional manipulation; he's turning himself into the victim in order to get his way. This is a huge red flag.
(cont)
>>16756928
>>16756867
>I don't see a reason why I need to try
threatening to leave is another manipulation tactic. I can understand the issue with him having to do all the commuting, but HE'S the one that doesn't want to see you at his place, he's causing his own complaint here. I'd tell you guys to meet in the middle sometimes, go out for a walk in a park somewhere or whatever, but frankly I don't think you ought to be dating this guy because he sounds like a dickbag. I guarantee that the next time he threatens the relationship, if you just sort of go "well if that's what you think, maybe we should just do that..." he'll freak out in fear that you're going to leave him and beg you to stay. It's one thing to be upset about having stressful/shitty circumstances, it's another to act like an ass about it. I don't want to make rude assumptions here, but you sound like you might be ugly/fat (or at least think you are) and are afraid of not having other options. If that's the case, the meta-solution here is this:
1. dump him
2. focus on improving yourself; get a job, exercise more (yoga or other physical therapy can help with the back problems!), learn to be at peace with yourself
3. tell your mom you love her
4. date someone who isn't a dick
I think you should try to work on yourself, try to get a job, work on strenghtening our back etc and drop the boyfriend. He doesn't sound like such a prize, he is in a group home after all. Focus on becoming more independent and improve yourself and the caliber of guys you attract will go up. Your relationship with your mom is personal no guy should come between you.
>>16756932
I had a feeling it was. I mean, I can honestly understand that he can be frustrated with how things are going.. I was too when we were fighting and felt that he needed to go because I could not make him happy. He replied with, "Why are you wanting to give up so easily??" so for him to say this it was.. Woah dude, rly?
I am fat, and average looking at best; I am afraid of not having other options but at the same time, I really do not care to have anyone.. I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the BS I'm going through with this guy and not wanting to get back into another one or what. I just know that I deeply love this person, but he's so demanding and reads between the lines like you wouldn't believe. I feel as if I have to walk on eggshells; granted I know I'm no better.. hence why I believe we're meant for each other, we're both so screwed up mentally.
If he pulls the "IM NOT GONNA TRY ANYMORE" game then I /will/ encourage him to go if he's so unhappy.. But, I guarantee he'll turn it right back around and say, "Oh so there IS someone at your house and that's why I couldn't come over!" ... ugh..
TY Anons.
>>16756787
This sounds incredibly complicated for the ages involved, anon. 31 and no car in what I am assuming is not nyc and nobody has a job with one person in a group home sounds like a recipe for encyclopedia dramatica even without your mom, an ldr, and le grand amour being involved.
If you aren't trolling, then >>16756807
Is right to an extent, although for fucks sake you are 31 and I assume you aren't adopted- your mom should know and be aware that a couple is going to want time alone. Now if she isn't okay with that happening in her house, that's different -I moved out because of that exact reason years ago and I am married to that person now. But yeah...you need money, a car, money, your own place, money, and/or a possibly saner(not sure what kind of group home, I am admittedly sterotyping here) beau. Also, money.
