I've been going through the roughest breakup of my life, /adv/. If you follow the "get it off your chest" threads, you might recognize the circumstances.
What happened was, my boyfriend went berserk and broke my hand, but he also damaged our shared apartment. He's damaged every single door in the place, and broken the frames of two of them as well as the drywall in several places.
My question is, should he pay for them? I make more money, but it's just enough to cover the apartment and living expenses alone. He also has cancer, and has to pay for medical supplies. Should he be completely at fault for the damages, even though I know he can't pay? Or should I just try to pay on my own? What do I do?
>>16735061
who is on the lease?
>>16735061
Pic related, that's where he threw me into the wall. He pled guilty to assault himself, I don't know if he admitted to it on his own, or was told it was his best option.
>>16735068
We have no lease atm. Our lease switched month to month in December, and we haven't resigned a lease agreement. The landlords are aware of the situation and the damage, but all of the rent receipts are in my name because until recently he made more money than me, and we would've received a bigger tax return from me claiming the apartment.
Bump with more damage.
he caused the damage, he should have to pay for it
getting him to do it might be a problem though, obviously, but he is responsible for it
good luck to you, too - yikes. You doing ok?
I'd just stop all contact with him forever. Pay for the damage yourself. He could kill you next time
>>16735333
I'm coping. Thanks for asking, it's not as bad as it could've been. It's more just dealing with the terror.
If it's things he's done, you're probably right that he should pay, but I dunno. He doesn't have that much anyway, and I'm scared to ask. It's such a messed up situation.
>>16735361
Legally, neither one of us is allowed to contact the other directly, so don't worry. He's never coming back here. I'm just wondering what you do. I mean, how do you determine legal responsibility? What do you do when you're not sure a person can pay? I feel like a baby learning how to walk because I literally don't know anything.
>>16735425
if your landlord is aware of the situation and sympathetic, you might ask them to go after him for the repair money directly.
Talk about it, at least. I'm sure they'll feel a little bit fucked up about making the girl who was thrown into the wall pay for the damage.
Glad you're ok btw.
>how do you determine legal responsibility
duty, breach, causation, damage: you've got a duty not to damage property that isn't yours; he breached that duty by causing you to be thrown against the wall, resulting in damage. You might be the tenant in the apartment, but if some rando comes along and burns it down you're not responsible either. It was his actions, not yours.
>>16735439
Sorry, I had to go to bed so I could get up for work.
I did talk to them a bit, and they feel he should pay damages. I'm going to contact victim services and see if the landlord's can get an estimate of the damages so we can work out some sort of payment plan.
I feel bad, because it's like kicking the poor when they're down, but at the end of the day, I wasn't the one that was breaking things and it's not really fair if I have to pay for everything myself.
>>16735061
Report him to the police you goddamn idiot. Violence is never ok, I can understand he is under lots of pressure, but breaking your hand goes well beyond acceptable behaviour.
Goddammit, he broke your fucking hand!
>>16736696
Feel bad? He broke you fucking hand and the walls n doors. Fuck him. Having cancer is no excuse to being a violent dick. Also careful. "Not legally being in the same place as me" shit doesnt do much if he wants to kick your ass or kill you.
>>16735061
Yes he should pay for everything. If he doesn't, the landlord will sue you for the costs, and why should you pay for the idiot's rampage?
And if he can't pay it all, it's up to him to work out a payment plan, keeping you out of things.
And of course he should be paying for your medical costs, along with pain and suffering. If you won't sue him for that, your insurance company certainly will.
And why isn't he your ex-boyfriend now?
>>16736896
He has been reported and already convicted. Right now I'm trying to weigh the pros and cons of just paying for the damages myself or trying to go after him for money to pay for the damages.
>>16736925
I think it's just because I've been his caregiver for so long, it's hard not to feel bad. My landlord and my boss knows he's not allowed to be nearby. I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell neighbours as well, but you're right. I'm doing my best to be safe.
>>16736979
The landlords are pretty understanding, and very kind, thankfully. My thoughts were that he just doesn't have a lot of money to begin with, and there wouldn't be much point in trying to get him to pay for the damages unless he asks for a loan. But I'm being silly, and I keep diving back into my caregiver roll for him. He did these things, and he should be accountable for them.
He is my ex boyfriend, it's just so recent I keep slipping up. It only happened on Saturday, and he was convicted on Monday.
>>16737269
> 2 days
> already a conviction
What kind of hyper-fast court system kind of country do you live in?
Let the legal system take care of it, trying to handle it personally could get you more hurt.
>>16735061
Storytime? What made him go super saiyan?
>>16735061
Did you cheat on him?
>>16737428
This. what happened OP ? and don't sugarcoat the story to be in your favor be honest.
>He did these things, and he should be accountable for them.
Make him pay 50% at least, or a symbolic number.
>>16737391
I live in Canada, and he pled guilty. There is still sentencing later, but he has release terms at the moment, so that he can go and continue to work. Is this unusual? I've never been in trouble nor known anyone who has been in trouble.
>>16737431
I didn't cheat on him.
>>16737423
>>16737438
Last year, he had to have emergency surgery to completely remove his large intenstine due to cancerous polyps. It was quite a shock, maybe three or four months after he started having symptoms. He's never really dealt with that emotional trauma, and he's been getting progressively more possessive and controlling over the course of a year.
What really triggered it, was I told him I was done. I would be his friend, but I couldn't live with him anymore. We were both at work, at our shared workplace, and then he became self destructive. He refused to eat or drink water all day, and told me about it, and couldn't be coaxed. So, after work I told him to come over, he showed up with wine (there's no liquor store nearby, but there is a wine store), and he was crying. He spent most of the night crying about being single, and drinking as fast as he could.
I mean, I should've really kicked him out, but I had gotten him to eat and he was drinking water along side the wine, what I hadn't really thought about is the fact that he's going to get drunker faster than a normal person because of his surgery. I started making up the couch for him to sleep on, because it started getting too late for him to bus it home, and that's when he started saying no one would ever love him and I'm going to kick him out of the only place he's ever felt safe.
Continued.
>>16737476
He then went for my work backpack, which contains my exacto knife. I asked him what he was doing, and he said he was going to take my knife and leave. I told him he couldn't leave with my knife, because it's mine and he's going to use it to hurt himself. He said that he was going to take one of chef's knives he bought me, then because they were his. I dunno how long we argued about knives, but eventually I convinced him that he couldn't have a knife, and he went to go outside to have a cigarette and calm down. The landlord intercepted him at this point, and the landlord said he was concerned about the noise levels and it couldn't continue.
I followed him outside after a few minutes, and he was laying down on the picnic bench outside saying he wasn't going to come inside, he was going to sleep outside because he's such a horrible person and just ruins everything. I told him that it was ridiculous, and he couldn't sleep outside in the winter, and managed to convince him to come inside.
When he came inside, I told him to stop drinking and that he couldn't stay if he was going to act irrationally, because in the past he's damaged my things when he gets like that and I suggested that he stop drinking. I had a bottle of tide by the front door because I had been doing laundry, and hadn't put it away yet, and so he grabbed that, took the lid off, and said he would fuck everything up if he wanted to. By now he was completely out of control. I tried to calm him down, but he wouldn't listen to me. He started screaming about how I'm just a worthless cunt who steals his money and cheats on him all the time.
He ran into the bedroom and I think he grabbed my pain medication, it was from a shoulder injury, and I heard him at the kitchen sink while I was in the bathroom. I heard him say "Here, I'll take five if you won't give me a knife." I haven't been able to find the empty pill bottle, so I don't know if he did or didn't take them.
Con.
>>16737514
I confronted him in the kitchen, and told him again that he had to leave and that I didn't care if there were no buses, I would give him cab fare. He told me he had nowhere to go, and that I should leave since I could at least go to my parent's house. I told him that it was my apartment, and that I wasn't leaving. That's when he grabbed a water bottle that was on the counter and dumped it on my head, then he grabbed me by my hair and tried to drag me out of the apartment. The entire time yelling that it was his apartment, and that I'm not kicking him out to sleep in the cold.
I fell on the stairs while he was dragging me and that's when I tried to fight back, I tried to grab his balls to make him let go of me, but he didn't seem to feel it. He started punching the sides of my head and then he grabbed my throat. Eventually he stopped and went back into the apartment to grab his alcohol. I tried telling him again to leave, and he told me to leave again so that he could burn down the place with him inside it so he could die. He grabbed a lighter from the coffee table that was nearby a candle and ran into the bedroom. He grabbed a fleece blanket and I heard him click the lighter. I managed to wrestle the lighter from him. I ran out of the bedroom and shut the door, thinking I could hide the lighter or look for other lighters.
He thought I had somehow locked him in the bedroom, even though the door locks from the inside and started trying to kick it down. I yelled at him that the door wasn't locked, and he just had to open it.
That's when he grabbed me and threw me into the wall, he bit then started wrenching my hand until my fingers broke. All the while saying he was about to go outside, and if I tried to lock him out he would break every window in the apartment so me and our cat would die of hypothermia. Once he was outside, I called 911.
Continued
Holy crap. As someone who went through a similar situation you have my sympathy.
Hopefully things will get better for you from here on out.
>>16735061
Probably your best bet is going to be to pay for it yourself then try and reclaim the money from him. I know it sucks having to pay out of pocket for something that's not your fault, but it's the "least bad" option. If you wait for him to pay it's just not going to get done, and I'm sure waking up in a flat that looks like it's just suffered a NATO bombing run isn't going to make you feel any happier. If you leave it for the landlord to sort out after you move you'll end up paying a ridiculous price for it. I'm not sure how things work in the US, but certainly here it's industry standard that work for a landlord attracts a much higher price than work for homeowners (I charge £40+vat/hr and 40% on materials for the former, compared to £22.50+vat and 25% for the latter), and the chances are the landlord will charge you either a "handling fee" or a percentage cut on top of that.
See if you can find someone you know to do it, or someone that your friends/family use. The good news is that allthough it looks quite bad, none of that stuff you've described is going to be hugley expensive. A hollow door supplied and installed shouldn't be any more than about £60 ($85), plasterboard (I think it might be called "sheet rock" in the US - the stuff hollow walls are made of) is about £3 for an 8'x4'. Cutting out that big hole, patching it and skimming the joint is maybe 20 minuites work. It'll need painting afterwards but if you're on a budget you don't need to hire someone to do that - if you can piss without getting it on the seat you can paint a wall without getting it on the ceiling.
They told me to lock the door, but because of previous damage the door doesn't really latch properly sometimes and you have to readjust the base plate. I couldn't get the door to shut properly, and was freaking out and crying at this point. I was out of my mind with panic, since I couldn't get the door to shut and I heard him coming back inside. I ran into the bathroom, which is terrifying on it's own, because he knows he can open that lock with a coin. I heard him enter the apartment, and I was screaming at this point because I was so terrified and in so much pain. I believe he grabbed a knife from the kitchen because he stabbed the door. >>16737514 pic related. He didn't try to enter the bathroom, but I heard crashing outside the door, I found out afterward he was grabbing all the food from my fridge as I found it strewn along the stairs. As he was trying to leave, the police arrived.
And that's the whole story. I've been going over and over it in my head for days now, and it still doesn't feel real.
>>16737595
Maybe it's better to do it that way? Just get things fixed and then try to seek repayment later on. I mean at the end of the day it's where I live, and I don't want to live somewhere that has all of these things just remind me of how I was hurt. Thank you.
>>16737589
Thank you. I never thought anything like this could ever happen to me. It almost doesn't feel real.
>>16737619
Unfortunately it does happen. It will get easier after some time though. I still think back on my situation from time to time but for the most part I can deal.
Having someone you can go back and talk to about it is one of the most important things in dealing.
>>16737937
I don't really have anyone, but I did reach out to victim services, and I'll be meeting with them next week to set up some free counseling. I think I'm still in shock, pretty much. I dunno, I'm just going through to motions and trying to get as much done as possible before it really hits me. I know what I'm like, and when it hits home I know I'm going to be knocked on my ass.
