Depression Thread
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
What age were you when shit started?
Did you started taking antidepressants?
How are you currently doing?
Tell us, let's share our mental shit
15
no, what am I some sort of weak willed faggot?
doing pretty damn well considering the circumstances
i dont know, 8 maybe? thank you educational system
no, i didn't know i was depressed for years and when i realized i knew that the cause is legitimate and not some brain problems shit
terrible, my gf broke up with me by telling me she's pregnant from someone else
(probably not hanging around long. doing shit tonight)
>>16717730
>What age were you when this shit started?
I think I was about 10. It may have happened at an earlier point in my life though.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
I started taking both antidepressants and anxiety medication when I turned 18. I am also now seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist. I am 20 years old now.
>How are you currently doing?
I hate everything and I want to kill myself.
>>16717730
16 best bud killed himself in my backyard
Yes all kinds, now I dont because they're a scam
I'm doing great, i stopped thinking about myself and do things for others now. Depression really is just you being selfish and caring too much about yourself
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
arround 15 i think, when my granpha died, but i never though i was depressed until i was 19
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
at the age of 21, yes
>How are you currently doing?
Decent i guess, broke with gf but things could be worse
>>16718250
Kind of in the same boat as you.
But I'm taking pills for ADD.
What gets me depressed are when my friends ignore me and I'm just left alone.
Sometimes I think it's because they have tired of me, like I'm some sort of novelty.
Perhaps they see me as some sort of loser.
I have these recurring thoughts that the only way for anyone to love me is if I was successful. But even then I worry that it might not be enough.
>What age?
15 or 16.
>Do you take antidepressants?
No, I learned to rationalise my pain and emotions, overcoming them for the most part.
>How are you currently doing?
The pain inside of not being loved by anyone who isnt family is starting to really sink in. It's not sex, I want love. I want another person to just be attracted to me and care about me. Once I start to realise it probably isn't going to happen I start to get crazy depressed.
>>16717730
When I was about 12 or 13 i started to notice that being in public where people could see me made me uncomfortable. I got bullied a lot in middle school for various reasons, got physically bullied up a few times but nothing serious.
at about 15 i started realizing that people in general just bothered me and that i didnt really laugh at much of anything anymore. things seemed stupid, everything seemed phony and fake. I felt as if someone was out to get me, like every time im alone someone is watching me through a window or hiding in my closet waiting to jump out and kill me. i can no longer stay home alone or in dark rooms. I found alcohol helped, so i started drinking a lot. i would drink whole bottles of wine at night and often wake up still drunk and have to go to school.
at 16 i started vyvanse, which was great for about 3 hours a day, then i would crash mid-day and everything felt dark and horrible.
at 17, I was cheated on and had my heart broken several times by the same girl and I realized that i straight up cant trust people anymore. i found 4chan, and started going on here a lot.
at 18 i started taking antidepressants for a few weeks, but i stopped taking them because they just made me feel sick and really careless, and i turned into kind of a prick so that made me even more sad when people hated me. my drinking got worse, and it got me in trouble with my friends and family. i havent spoken to some since.
at 19 i got a gf who i still currently have, and the sex mixed with her almost motherly care for me really helps me along, but i still dont feel generally happy with life.
currently 20 years old, trying to get/keep a job and transfer schools, slowly trudging through every day. id like to start taking anxiety medication or finding a xanax dealer or something.
so idk man. life is so tricky.
>13
>No
>it comes and goes
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
18, moved out of the house, failed college, destroyed my social connections.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
Nope. Had a complete nervous breakdown at age 25 while in grad school, almost failed out, thought I was dying. Spent years in therapy. A combination of cognitive behavioral therapy and correcting shitty life habits got me slowly out of the irrational, unreal anxious depressed thoughts that were fucking me up.
Getting better is possible if you're willing to take credit for your own mental state. Take ownership of your life. Don't blame ~brain chemicals~, that's like blaming your blood for failing to clot when you're stabbing yourself. You can't control everything in life, but you can always control your response to it. I resolved to fight for myself and I wont my life back.
>How are you currently doing?
Amazing. Good social life, fun satisfying career, money, girlfriend who loves me and swallows my cum and the reg, downtown loft apartment, freedom from anxiety and self-loathing. Life is awesome.
>Tell us, let's share our mental shit
16
Yes.
Better, though im really fucking lonely.
My parents were worried about me. Psychiatrist told my parents i was depressed. They gave me some pills. Therapy.
>>16717730
>age it started to hit me
I can't even remember, it just became normal to be sad and I've became numb to it. I started becoming extremely introverted around the fifth grade, and that's when I became the weird kid that everyone picked on. Around the end of high school I became more extroverted but I didn't necessarily become happier. I'm going to be 20 this year
>antidepressants
Nope, I haven't gone for help yet. I'd prefer the use them as a last resort (before suicide obviously)
>currently
Clearly getting worse, I stopped being so numb about it about a year ago when I broke up with my gf at the time
>>16718279
>I have these recurring thoughts that the only way for anyone to love me is if I was successful. But even then I worry that it might not be enough.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective at correcting irrational, harmful thoughts like that. Think about the people you value in your life. Is it because they're super accomplished and good at stuff? Nah, it's because they improve your life by being a part of it, they make you feel good. So make others feel good, validate them, and you'll have friends. Accomplishing shit won't make anyone like you. Actually, major accomplishments are more likely to alienate you from people than bring you closer. Unsuccessful people don't like successful people.
>>16718366
freaking out about failing college is not the same as being depressed, you stupid cunt.
you completely missed the point of this thread. take your preachy know-it-all shit elsewhere.
Age: at 6 started to realize something was wrong
Antidepressants: started taking them at 15 I think. Haven't been taking them for 2 years now
Currently doing: I'm alright. Have my ups and downs. Could be in a better living situation. Trying to cope with anxiety more now
>>16718375
To add to this
I'm currently thinking about breaking up with my current gf. I like her, but I started talking to her when I met a girl I really liked. Things just took off and now I think it happened too fast and I just went with the flow. I don't want to end up regretting never dating the other girl. I'm pretty scared that the other girl won't want to date me though.
On top of this, I'm going to church for the first time in months with the other girl. She thinks that it could help if I can renew my faith.
Either way I feel like there will just be regret of some kind
I'm afraid of the loneliness that seems to be in my future. I've been thinking about suicide since last summer and I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with everything. I'm tired of faking my happiness and confidence, it's draining.
>>16717730
12. I don't know why. I had a normal family, I've had everything I've ever really needed. But somehow I've felt alone my entire life. Even when I'm with people I feel like I'm the outside, like they're all real and I'm just some memory existing for them. Sometimes I feel just like I'm reliving a memory; I follow a predetermined sequence of events without my volition. Since sophomore year in high school I guess I've been thinking about suicide. I would never do it though. I guess I'm scared.
I was screened for depression and anxiety as soon as I got to college. Met with a therapist, but the look she gave me. It like I wasn't human. I switched and am seeing another woman. She's the only one I've told about my ideation. I'm pretty secure in my sexuality/identity but I sometimes think things would have been different if I was a daughter. Its a terrible feeling to see everyone. I don't want to take antidepressants. I'm living with the small hope that someone will come by and stick with me. But no one wants to have a relationship with a broken person. I'm not sure I'd want to torture someone like that either. I don't live these days. If I didn't have obligations, I'd just slip. I just wish I knew why, you know? I could have something or someone to blame other than myself.
>>16718378
>Unsuccessful people don't like successful people.
>dont do well in life so that poor people will like you
great advice m8
>>16718337
fuck, man. sounds a lot like me.
Probably 12
No
I still feel like shit
Friends are shit, I am shit, family is shit.
>>16718387
18-25 was spent clinically depressed, the breakdown was just the culminating event. I know depressed people hate hearing that isn't possible to not be depressed, but it's true. The very suggestion that there's hope is offensive to some. It's tragic.
>>16718402
You reached the wrong conclusion from that, but I suppose seeing everything in the worst possible light is part of depression.
>>16718366
>Don't blame ~brain chemicals~, that's like blaming your blood for failing to clot when you're stabbing yourself.
That's not an apt analogy at all. It IS brain chemicals. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless, thats not an excuse to not try.
It's more like blaming a would for bleeding when you're perfectly capable of putting a bandaid on it - and a bandaid's not going to make the wound disappear, but it's still a positive step you can take towards healing, and an important step in preventing it from getting so much worse.
Understanding that depression is a matter of chemicals can be a really important bandaid for some people who don't understand why they feel the way they do, who are at risk of really unproductive thought processes, like presuming their emotions must be a rational response to something concrete in their life, chasing bullshit fixes or becoming resigned to the presumed fact that they're just failures or have bad personalities.
Is a therapist worth it at all? I've been debating for about 3 years to go to one, but i pussy out every time. Also, is anyone just mostly depressed at night? Seriously idk why, but i only get pretty down at night when im left with a lot of time to reflect on stuff, during the day im either busy or really into what im doing.
[PART 1]
So it was all started in the summer of 1997. I killed a woman. Yes, I killed a woman after hours of beating. She was my mother. Of course, I don't have to admit that, you sure have already noticed that. I was four-teen and was born in January. That means I am 33 year old now. Oh my, 36 years and I haven't spend a single day in prison for all that I have done. I don't know. For you, a person like me deserve being executed in the most gruesome manner but hear me out.
We all know that we should not judge a book by its cover, right? My cover was (and is) pretty neat. I was intelligent, people say that. I was not handsome, but likeable. Some say I was helpful and obdience. I was like my dad.
My dad died long ago. He was a decent man. Don't worry, I didn't kill him, but cancer, lung cancer. He smoked a lot, also drink, but he was not a heavy drinker. Marrying my mother was a mistake to him, I know that. He killed himself, I know that. She was a wicked person. She cursed, she yelled when he didn't bring home enough money for her to burn at her poker games (it's not really poker, I don't know, they played card). She also drank, a lot, especially after her games. She was a big woman, strong and violent. She beat my father. They said she also raped him when they were younger. One day, she cut one of his ball off. I didn't really know what had happened because I was too young. Then my father died. One day, mom won a game and brought home a stack of money. It was also the day she said that I had to quit school to work and make money to "help out the family".
>>16718876
[PART 2]
She often beat me up and down. I nearly lost one of my eye in one occasion. Other time, she broke my nose and didn't bring me to hospital. I don't know. But one day. I don't remember what day it was. All I know was that I was four-teen and the weather was unbearably hot. I don't know what had gotten into her. I came home after a day of work on the farm. I was tired. For no reason, she bang my head against the wall. I still had the scar until this day. Then she tied me to a chair. I could smell the alcohol in her breath. Another beating, I thought. I close my eyes, trying to fantasy that I was in a meadow with breeze kissing my forehead, and the fragant of flower touching the tip of my nose. It was a long and silent beating. She didn't yell at me like she always did. I don't know. Then suddenly she yelled at me, saying how pathetic I was, how pathetic my father was. Then she stopped. It felt endless. Then I felt her hand reaching down to my lower part. She took my pants off and started to rape me. For the first time in my life, I screamed, trying to push her away for I know this is a crime against nature, against God. But she was too strong and I was tied to a chair.
After a long while, she stopped, going downstair to do something. In my tear, I knew that was the time, not to escape, but to end everying. I stood up, with the chair on my back and threw myself down the stair. I hit her on the way. She fell to the floor with her neck broken. I fell on her and luckily was alive.
>>16718878
[PART 3]
For a day, I didn't leave the house. My limbs were all stiffened up in fear. I don't want to go to prison. For the first time in my life, I knew what I had to do. I clean up the scene then call the police. They believed what I told them. I was moved to an orphanage. But that was not the end. I end up being abused even more by the older kids and the "care taker". Just like her, they beat up and rape helpless people like me to satisfy the lust for violence and domination in their dark heart. I had done it before, then I did it again. I become the true angel of vengence. I killed, but not innocent people, but devil of the world. Their black blood is on my hand, but I will go to heaven. I know that.
>>16718876
>>16718878
>>16718880
>He posted it again
>>16717730
Maybe 11
Yes, but the reasons for my depression weren't hormonal, so of course they didn't work
I'm doing better at the moment, trying to stay away from my toxic relatives. I also have a therapist who's really nice.
>First two
A long fucking time, most my 23 years.
> How are you currently doing?
I don't really want to keep going. Pretty much the only reason I haven't an hero'ed is that too many people would be hurt too badly if I did, and I'm not that selfish.
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
Dunno, 10-11 perhaps. I recall my first breakdowns at that age.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
No. I would like to but I'm too ashamed to ask for professional help.
>How are you currently doing?
Bad. I railed some speed a week ago and I still haven't been able to get back on track. I feel worthless and I can't do shit, I shitpost on 4chan the whole day.
I want to end it all.
>>16717730
>I was about 8 or 9 when I held a cutter knife in my hand and was about to slit my wrists in the kitchen.
>Never took any drugs or antidepressants.
>Good? Bad? I don't know anymore.
>I was also positively tested for high IQ in each possible category.
7. I knew and I knew why. It was my mom, people at school and on the street picking on me. I didn't really understand why they did it and people told me it was b/c of my grades and shit but I never held that over anyone and would have helped them out if they needed it/asked so as a kid I really didn't get that some people just cope like that or are assholes.
I didn't bother telling the therapist/psychologist/whoever. I had the foresight to test the waters with more mundane shit that still bothered me(specifically about my mother) to see if she was telling my mom. She was and it made shit worse. They both tried pigeon-holing me into categories and would never really listen to me. I think that lasted till I was 8 then I got a lady that tried to help but we got nowhere due to my mom till I was 9.
Hurricane Katrina didn't really do much to me. All the shit I had to deal with in Texas from being from NO gave me valid reason to want to be alone but people tried to put me on pills again because of it and wouldn't listen to me. Not sure how but I got them to fuck off with the pills meme.
That was already and still is something I deal with though. Most people would rather tell me what I mean than listen to what I mean.Took antidepressants for a few years thanks to that and the shit fucked me up. By time I was 11 I was basically a jaded and depressed 18 year old mentally.
I kept getting forced to go to more therapists and shit over the years and at one point one of them said some shit about how I was more mature/mentally developed than I should be. Dude was actually pretty chill and told me to do what I wanted to/thought was best and I have been since.
I'm gonna be 21 soon and I still suffer some degree of depression but its manageable like >>16718366 said. I decided to learn a trade instead of pursuing game/character design as a career to instead fuel my ability to pursue the wide range of art stuff I enjoy as hobbies. Only weird thing for me atm are females.
>>16718932
One other thing is people say its good to have strong mental fortitude for shit like this but I still have difficulty crying and I don't like it. I always tried and still do try to address the issue at its core if possible and now I've learned that if I 'do anything to let it go.
It's easier said than done at times but I keep at it. However, it makes people see me as inhuman for some reason. Like if I stop allowing someone to be in my life because its better for me somehow I'm the one in the wrong.
It makes me sad sometimesand I can rarely if ever cry about it to vent the emotions and I'm the type that its easier for me to game, write, draw, paint, etc. when I'm neutral or happy but even all this time later I still get stuck at times. I try talking but maybe I need a hug or something. I shed the most tears from 11-15 but I realized that it was usually only due to a lot of stress or fatigue. Shit's weird man.
Dunno, I can't remember the last time I was happy for no explainable reason. Maybe at 15 or so things started to show off.
Nope. Took some pills for my attention disorders. I also used to take them of sniff the dust inside of them sometimes when I wanted to feel active.
My worst desu. I realised shit wasn't fine last year. Suicidal thoughts started back then, I turned lazier about social interaction.No one knows at the moment. I think maybe my pops are noticing I ain't doing fine.
>>16717730
Not realy depression, but bipolar disorder. I guess still counts tho.
>Depression diagnosed when i was 11
>Later diagnosed as bipolar when i was 16
I'm taking meds right now, and doing pretty okay with my life.
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
honestly do not know, maybe 14
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
no, but I want to go to the psych
>How are you currently doing?
sometime shit is good, sometime not
>medicine, last year, lost gf, no work place agreed
my studies are hell
>what age were you when shit started?
4.
>did you start taking antidepressants?
Not until I was 14. I've been on meds ever since (20 now), and I've tried at least 15 (though I've lost count), currently on a mood stabiliser/antidepressant and an antipsychotic.
I was in a group therapy for a while when I was 9-10, then had counseling for a couple of years when I was 12-14. Since then I've seen at least psychologists and at least 5 psychiatrists. I've been with my current psychologist for just over a year and I'm in the process of finding a new psychiatrist.
>how are you currently doing?
I don't know if I'm at rock bottom, but I'm pretty fucking close to it. I'm exhausted and confused, I just want some stability and fucking security for once in my life.
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
16
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
Of course not! Anti-depressants are for inferior subhumans and I'm part of the Aryan master race!
>How are you currently doing?
Thinking about suicide
>Tell us, let's share our mental shit
What's the point of life?
Birth, education, employment, retirement, death. What's this shit good for? What's the bigger picture?!
>>16717749
damn, im sorry to hear that anon :c
Hard to say when it started. I've always been negative and grumpy, but it's gradually got worse. Diagnosed at 27, 4 years ago. Had pills and therapy. Still keep getting worse.
Don't really know what else to try. Nothing seems to help, and nothing seems to matter.
>What age were you when shit started?
I was 9. Got diagnosed with chronic disease.
>Did you start taking antidepressants?
No. I won't.
>How are you currently doing?
I'm doing good. In therapy. Feeling really well.
>What age were you when shit started?
11. may have been earlier, but this is the age I first remember self-harming.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
the first I've ever been on was Prozac, of course. I was 15. I've been on many different meds; Wellbutrin, Geodon, Luvox, Lexapro.. the list goes on. Those are the only ones I remember the names of. nothing worked.
>How are you currently doing?
Im 19 now, and doing significantly well compared to where i was a year ago. I'm beginning to understand that I'll be okay. Decided to start doing yoga and i've been making an effort to eat well. Been drinking more water, which does help. Sometimes I have random urges to down a bottle of bleach, or jump out of a moving car, or slit my throat; the urge will go away but the feeling of emptiness will stick around.. I always get over it eventually.
I was 13 when I first tried to commit suicide.
Chronically depressed ever since, which increasingly bad symptoms as the years go by.
I was taking seroquel, welbutrin and citalopram daily and went out of town and couldn't restock.
I had horrible withdrawals and have now been off it for a month, because I am too fucked up to leave my house.
I was doing fine since April (I was having hallucinations and delusions and was sleepwalking a lot while screaming about weird ass shit) and now I'm spiraling towards rock bottom again.
My diagnosis also include G.A.D and Borderline..
18 when I got my first real job. I attempted suicide and failed, thank goodness. I talked to my doctor, and he put me on a low dose of some antidepressant and anti-anxiety meds. After about two years of tweaking it and fixing the dose, I'm now on Paroxetine and Busiprone, as well as Aripiprazole and I'm doing great. Was able to recently move out on my own, attend the university I've always dreamed of going to, and am even making friends in a new town.
Sometimes, it isn't just an emotional thing - it really is a chemical imbalance in the brain. That's why I implore folks who are dealing with depression and anxiety to see a doctor. Sometimes, all it takes is the right medication to actually make you feel HAPPY again. And not in a drugged up way. In a very real, clear, level-headed way.
>>16720531
I'm really happy for you and I'm glad you figured a med regime that works for you, and that you're happy again.
I wish you the best anon!
>What age were you when shit started?
7 or 8 maybe. I grew up in a household where everyone had a mental illness.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
At 15 I started antidepressants and anxiety medication. I stopped after my mother died, because my family doesn't approve of it. Even though their all popping pills themselves. They said it would reflect badly on them if I were to continue treatment.
>How are you currently doing?
Lonely, but managing. I currently look for work so I can more out. However my anxiety is all over the place.
>What age were you when shit started?
I had an abusive childhood so it was always bad due to that. I have memories from when I was 3 because they are terrifying. Father had some kind of schizo bipolar issue, genetic but mostly in the men... I worry he passed it on but my brother is the only one with all the symptoms
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
never asked a professional... consider a therapist but don't know if I want to be in my own head that much. I really can't start with the medicine because I drink I don't want to have to stop drinking. I watched someone wreck a car after two drinks (THE NEXT MORNING) because they were on antidepressants.
>How are you currently doing?
I'm okay, rationally. Feel kinda lonely. I just don't connect with other people because I really don't trust them, even my long-term boyfriend that I have lived with for 6 years. But he helps me not fall apart. I'd be a mess without him so I'm glad he seems to love me. Worry about co-dependency a lot.
>>16719265
>since then I've seen at least 10 psychologists*
Only just realised that mistake.
>>16717741
You dont have depression. Thats puberty for sure.
>>16717730
>What age were you when shit started?
13 or 14 I think.
>Did you started taking antidepressants?
Nope, that shit fucks you up dude. I've managed to overcome pain and suffering for the most part anyway. Things have gradually been improving since high school.
>How are you currently doing?
Not so great, had to drop out of uni and move home because I couldn't motivate myself to get through, and I didn't enjoy doing what I was. I'm back home now looking for a job and living with my family, but it's really going to suck seeing as I have no friends back here. The loneliness hasn't quite hit me yet though, so that's alright I suppose.
I've been doing alright these past few months all things considered. Just hoping I won't be too lonely living here for a while.
>What age were you when shit started?
I want to say when I was a senior in high school, or maybe when I was 16 and got my first job. I hated it, but never left for some reason. Until it came time for college, at 19 I still worked at the same grocery store chain but in another town. I was happier for a while until it became apparent I was in over my head and could not afford art school. First time I went home I was depressed but got my shit together and went back guns blazing. The second time I was just broken entirely. I can't even remember 2013-14 I spent so many days in bed without doing anything. Eventually I had to get a job and I ended up going back. Some of my co workers reached out and helped me but I still have moments or days where I just do nothing. I don't even feel sad or anything anymore, I have to act like I feel anything.
Did you started taking antidepressants?
No, I do drink and smoke now. Kind of alot.
How are you currently doing?
I was supposed to work yesterday, didn't even call in just laid in bed and drank. Same thing today but I'm off...hopefully I'll get up Sunday.
>>16717730
Started at 11 and progressively got worse. Managed to recover a little and then the bottom fell out at 18 when my two best friends both stabbed me in the back.
I haven't been able to let go. Here I am almost six years later and it gets worse every day.
Started at 13 and I'm not on any anti-depressants. If this matters at all, I'm on 40mg og VyVanse for adhd.
Not doing great, I think my dad hates me and he generally treats me like garbage. I'm in my final year of high school and things have ben pretty rough between us. We're not wealthy and my dad is on unemployment because he quit his job because of "the way they talked to him."
We're surviving off of the unemployment, $150 a month of foodstamps, and the money he gets from "plasing", as in selling plasma. He waves this in my face as if him selling his plasma to keep us fed is some heroic, valiant effort and I try not to seem ungrateful. I'm not a needy person, I don't ask for much, the most I ask for is for my xbox live and occasionally an extra dollar before school for a coffee. I really, really don't ask for much and my dad tries to make it seem like I ask the world of me.
I resent my dad for having gone to college and not doing anything with his degree, he majored in sociology so I know he could work with the state, but he just has this attitude that's vomit inducing. He had a shitty childhood and annually reminds me that what I'm going through isn't shit compared to what he did, but still. His dad was a cunt and now he's become an even more irrational and angry cunt towards me. Some of the shit he says to me makes me want to curl up at night and cry. I don't even want kids because I'm afraid I'll become my dad.
I see what other people have at my age, the kind parents and the stable home, and I wish so badly that I could have that too. It hurts sometimes to just lay at night with my thoughts. Parents are divorced so of course my mom doesn't live around. Maybe this all started when I was little. My dad used to hit me with a belt whenever I did anything bad, so now I'm just kinda fucked.
>>16717730
I first considered killing myself when I was 13, but I have been miserable for literally as long as I can remember.
I have never taken antidepressants unless you count coffee.
How am I currently doing? I am sitting along in my room, once again trying to convince myself to just make it stop. I have few friends, no job, and have never had a girlfriend. I lack the social skills to interact with other people. I spend the entire day at college in fear of interacting with anyone, because if I do they inevitably end up hating me. When I get home everything should be better right? Then I get to lie in bed and think about how no one cares about me. If I killed myself tonight, 3 maybe 4 would come to my funeral, and 3 of those are related to me. I am terrified of people due to a long history of misunderstandings, and yet there is nothing that hurts me more than being alone. I want it all to end and yet I cannot bring myself to end it. I hate who I am but attempts at change have always resulted in people trying to hurt me. I really wish the weekend was over so I could go back to class: Hopefully I will get pulled into the lathe or milling machine in one of our shop classes.
>>16721421
(continued)
I don't fucking ask for anything, I make good grades now thanks to my VyVanse. Two years ago my dad called me stupid so much and had so much pressure on me for bad grades that I told him that I wanted to kill myself. I ended up spending a week in a psych unit because of that. He doesn't call me stupid anymore but he finds all kinds of shit to blame me for now.
Today we got into such a big fight because I don't like that he complains about a lack of money and having to go and sell plasma, yet he's okay with spending $20 on weed every few days. Screamed in my face about how he's not going to stop for anyone, how me and his sister (my aunt) think of him as a scumbag and this and that. Shattered a glass pan right in front of me while I was doing the dishes and stormed out. Came home an hour or so later an continued to get even worse. He thinks that because he played football in high school he has permanent brain damage from concussions (I forgot what it's called), and so his actions are justifiable and that he doesn't have to change, that it's my fault.
Says that one day he's going to slap me and enjoy doing it because "I'm an asshole with a bad personality."
I just wanted him to ease up on his weed spending habits so money can go towards better things.
I don't know brahs, it feels bad to even exist at this point. The only thing keeping me happy are my friends, school, and the thought of one day wearing a white doctor's coat.
