I was violently raped when I was a little girl. Is this something I need to tell my partner? It's not something I'm comfortable with talking about, but I don't want to feel like I'm "keeping secrets" from him.
Do you think he will stop loving me if I tell him?
>>16683658
No, if you two are compatible, it will make you even closer. Intimacy isn't always easy, but it's extremely important for a relationship.
If anything he will want to hunt the fucker who did it to you. I know I would.
>>16683658
it depends.
if this is a serious relationship and you trust him, i think that telling him will only serve to benefit you.
but you aren't keeping things from him if you choose to keep it to yourself.
>>16683658
Doubt he'd stop loving you.
Don't tell him unless you feel comfortable telling him. If you don't think it's affecting your relationship, then why does he need to know? Sure it could make you feel closer, but don't force the subject. Let it come up naturally if you want it to come up at all.
>>16683671
>>16683664
I plan on marrying him-
We've been dating for two years and we're both Christian and want a family.
I'm afraid he'll see me as impure.
I have not had sex otherwise.
I've been to therapy and don't have problems feeling desire, so I don't think there should be a problem between he and I when we eventually do have intercourse.
>>16683670
I'm afraid he would.
I've since forgiven that person and tried my best to move on, but I don't know if he would be able to.
>>16683681
If he got away with it I really wouldn't speak of it. Especially if he was expected to meet him later at a family event.
What would you think of the woman you loved if she told you she was raped?
Would you see her as Pitiful? Vulnerable? Weak? Disgusting?
I remember thinking of myself as those things, I don't want him to think of me as those things too.
Would your opinion of her change, or would you simply be angry at the one who did it to her?
>>16683681
hmm, thing does make it more complicated. I'm sorry to hear all of that.
Sharing every detail of your life can be worse for relationships than keeping some secrets. You should not fall into the trap of maintaining a relationship with no secrets. Those relationships lack mystery and the lack a sense of self.
I don't think he'll stop loving you. This guy still has the best advice.
>>16683677
>>16683694
I would approach intimacy more slowly and would want vengeance for sure. I would also ask questions to make sure it was actually rape and not regret like a lot of feminists do.
>>16683694 Pitiful? Vulnerable? Weak? Disgusting?
vulnerable - definitely. None of the others.
But that's a good thing. Vulnerability is a powerful way to connect in a relationship. If you bring up this topic at the right time in the right way, I have no doubt it'll strengthen your relationship.
p.s. the "right time, right way" is quite simply whenever you feel comfortable talking about it
>>16683702
Okay- I would appreciate the patient approach to intimacy.
What would you do if vengeance was not an option? Is there another outlet that you think would suffice?
I'm pretty certain it was rape. I was 10 and had to go to the hospital and have emergency surgery. Obviously I felt a lot of guilt but looking back on it, no reasonable man would do such a thing to a child.
>>16683709
Okay, thank you. I don't mind looking vulnerable to him. I trust him completely.
You may want to if you start having flashbacks and it starts interfering with your sex life. As a victim I barely have a sex drive so it's really difficult to understand people's sexual urges without agressive feels erupting. The most innocent things from him can bring me back to dark places and I get defensive and tense instead of reacting with the mutal affection he deserves. I personally think they have a right to know upfront, the results will either surprise you, or disappoint you. That alone can determine how well you two will work together.
>>16683681
>I've since forgiven that person and tried my best to move on, but I don't know if he would be able to.
What the hell. What happened wasnt your fault, not by a long shot. But I can't wrap my head around this part.
>>16683735
I understand that this probably looks odd from an outside perspective.
Holding on to anger hardens one's heart. That anger allows the event to change who you are and how you act. By processing the event and then forgiving my rapist, I am able to move on with my life, and the event does not hold power over me.
That's all I want. I want to have a normal life and a loving husband and kind children.
I wouldnt be the girl I am today if that had not happened. I've grown from the experience, and I trust god's judgement.
Sorry if that sounds like crazy religious.
I'm normally pretty rational about my beliefs but this area in particular is very faith-related since looking at it logically would cause bitterness.
>>16683734
I do think that is a good point to consider.
I would want him to be considerate and slow during our first time, since I don't know how I will feel.
I guess that means I should tell him before our wedding.
>>16683726
If she assured me that the culprit was punished/convicted then that for sure would put me at ease.
>>16683753
Is it ok to lie about this to ease his anger?
I don't want to lie, but I'd rather suffer the consequences of lying than have him suffer from wanting vengeance.
>>16683782
Uh that would frustrate me but I don't know what kind of man your bf is.
Surprised your dad didn't do anything.
>>16683658
If he really loves you, he won't bat an eye. But you shouldn't do it until you truly feel comfortable.
My girlfriend was raped and physically abused by her father growing up.
When she told me I just said to her "Thank you for choosing to share that with me" (she said it was just a relative at first, then I later put two and two together and realized it was her father).
I didn't blame her in the least. My opinion of her didn't really change (if anything it just gave me perspective and just made me respect her that much more for being as strong as she is).
>>16683681
>I've since forgiven that person and tried my best to move on, but I don't know if he would be able to.
Honestly, i'm a pretty pacifist guy, but if I ever met her father, I'm not quit sure what i'd do or what my impulses would be...
Either way, my own feelings side, the last thing I would ever want to do is drum up more drama over something she's fought to get over and not let define who she is. That'd just be selfish to say the least.
Best of luck TC. You can do it.
Honestly, me knowing has made it a lot easier for me to be there for and support my girlfriend. When you're ready, I hope you find the same is true with your boyfriend.
>>16683658
Look, as a guy who has had 3 long relationships with raped girls - if it doesn't bother you right now (as in you don't get flashbacks when you have sex or when he does something that reminds you of the event), you are better off not telling him.
ESPECIALLY if the guy got away with it. You can't imagine how much suppressed anger you create when you say to a guy "you know, I was raped by John Smith, but I never reported it, and basically he got away, raped me and never suffered consequences... but I don't want you to do anything I just want you to be aware of it". When all my girlfriends told that to me, I couldn't leave anger behind for weeks. I was constantly thinking about that motherfucker who just goes around raping people and nobody does SHIT about it.
So if you don't want him to do anything about it, don't tell him. Believe me, it's better that way.
Also, some guys (including myself) could have a problem with being with a raped girl. I know it sounds pretty assholeish, but in my experience, those girls are just too nuts. Can't keep their shit straight.
So my advice is - don't. Unless you get a flashback and you have to explain yourself. Then explain yourself and be honest about it.
>>16683658
To be honest I think its best kept to yourself until you're really committed and comfortable and trusting with the guy
And then only tell him if you feel you really need to tell him for your own comfort
Hypothetically, if If my gf had gone through it I'd rather not know because it'd upset and anger the shit outta me and I'd just wanna go murder the father. I'd still love her and wouldnt treat her any differently, but it'd cause me a lot of grief because of the pain I'd feel for her and maybe it would be better if I could live in blissful ignorance
My opinion,
Best situation;
If you are reasonably sane and collected about your future and are able to see a therapist as you need and most importantly keep this out of your marriage - then just don't tell him. His mental stability and your future together could depend upon this being your problem and your strength of character keeping your soul together.
If in a few years you have big marital problems stemming from this terrible event then reveal your past - don't expect too much forgiveness as you are very much misrepresenting yourself to him.
If you tell him now, two years in your relationship will be based upon somewhat of a 'bait and switch' situation and he may re-evaluate you right out of his life.. just as many future guys who know this will.
So - here is the bottom line. Relax with the 'life partner should know everything trust' routine and deal with your problems. Live and love your life like a normal person if you can - if you can't then get more help until you can.
Avoid destroying those who love you as that would be an evil upon an evil.
>>16683658
>I was violently raped when I was a little girl.
I'm sorry to hear that.
>Is this something I need to tell my partner?
I wouldn't necessarily call it a moral mandate, but from a standpoint of logistics, yeah, you should. He's going to have to deal with the fallout of this alongside you, and this will be much easier on both of you if he understands what's going on.
>It's not something I'm comfortable with talking about, but I don't want to feel like I'm "keeping secrets" from him.
That's understandable. There is also something to be said for the idea that if (after some time) you can't bring yourself to be comfortable enough with him to tell him, then perhaps he might not be the one for you.
>Do you think he will stop loving me if I tell him?
I'm not going to lie to you: the odds are not zero. This happens sometimes. But as long as you don't lie to him about it, I do not think the odds are high. And even if he does, that is frankly his problem, not yours.
>>16684306
This is poor advice because it ..
1, Assumes there IS going to be fallout.
2, This fallout is going to be applied to husband.
3, He is going to have to deal with it.
4, He has a chance to understand what is going on (pro tip - he can't - no way)
5, If you are not comfortable with telling him your pain then he is deficient in some way and not right for you.
6, Any repercussions are once again a reflection upon his inadequacies.
I hope you are ticking off each one of these as NOT true.
Either way the above sequence is a childish recipe for disaster – literally!
1, Assumes there is going to be fallout
2, This fallout is going to be applied to husband
3, He is going to have to deal with it
4, He has a chance to understand what is going on (pro tip - he can't - no way)
5, If you are not comfortable with telling him your pain then he is deficient in some way and not right for you.
6, Any repercussions are once again a reflection upon his inadaquacies
Every little girl should be raped/made a sex slave. This is what muslims are right about.
