Have accidentally fallen hard for a guy who is emotionally stunted, a liability and essentially 4chan personified. Though, I think he is simply wonderful. We have extremely different lives but have a good connection and have known each other for a considerable amount of time.
I don't want to fix him, I just want to try and be with him. But how do I deal with the fact that we clearly have very different values and priorities?
I am very affectionate, social, have a very settled and "grown up" life. He is very reserved, quite indifferent at times and lives somewhat of a chaotic lifestyle. Will sometimes just block himself off for a while and we won't talk, which causes me to doubt things a bit.
I don't really want to embark on this if it's doomed from the start but I've waited so long for this that I'm reluctant to walk away.
Any advice would be appreciated, I'm a bit tired of going over it in my head because it's making me feel incredibly pathetic.
How is he emotionally stunted? And what do you mean by a liability?
guys like that are never going to proactively approach you so you might as well give up now
Go for it' do not let him become a phantom pain to forever and always torment you.
Go, whatever happens, I'm sure he's a good and decent man in the end.
The world needs more good and decent men to take care of all the lonely and frightened women.
Love is an inferno, and we are by fire made cinders and ashes in the end.
You're going to die. Nothing else matters but love. Literally nothing, you'll understand if you love this one but if you don't it'll just be another what if in a life time of them.
CLING TO LOVE AND NEVER LET IT GO!
>>16633347
Without going into too much detail, this is all self confessed and nothing I have personally taken from his behaviour. He tells me all the time how much of a fuck up he is (he isn't really).
Jesus, when did /adv/ get so supportive and romantic?
>>16633356
I'm not lonely or frightened, I am a strong and independent woman.
On the other hand, this is destroying me a bit and I don't like the feeling. I can't even speak to him about it because everytime I do I feel I'm making him uncomfortable and risking pushing him away.
>>16633391
Push him away? Nah.
At the very worst he'll thank you for boosting his ego (unless he's a total cunt but I doubt that)
At the very best you'll have a good time, yeah?
>>16633403
Thanks for the support but I don't think I can be that open minded about it. I wish I could. I feel it's been going on for so long that if we lose it, I'll be losing more than a bit of a crush.
>>16633442
Fair enough. You could get him drunk and try cuddling him to test the waters as an alternative.
You two could have something amazing tho, you never know!
>>16633456
Thanks. No need to test the water, I know we're at least desperate to fuck each other. It's more the other side I'm a bit worried about. I know we could have something amazing but I'm just a bit concerned that I'm romanticizing it.
I suppose I just want advice on whether somebody who is quite detached and unable to express their feelings verbally (his words) is actually capable of being in a relationship or whether it's already doomed.
>>16633506
It's doomed.
I know because I was just there, exactly where you are right now, with a dude. Fuck that, trust me when I say the letting go of "what could have been" is easier than dealing with the aftermath of the shitfest that was.
>>16633339
>4chan personified
Why are you attracted to him, exactly?
>>16633339
I think he might secretly hate his 4chan personified lifestyle, because he was once a mature, sociable and well-rounded individual. Seems like he might have some issues he's dealing with. But I don't know for sure of course.
>>16634209
I've known him for a long time, we've always given each other advice and spent a lot of time on each other. He makes me laugh, I find him really good looking and I have never wanted to fuck somebody as much as I do him - I think it's just chemistry between us.
Although it's really hard to answer that - I'm not entirely sure why. I've liked him for longer than I've let on but only recently had the balls to say anything.
>>16634218
I don't think this is the case - I know he was far more sociable when he was younger but I don't think it's something he's uncomfortable with. I think he's happy being alone, comfortable with who he is, and perhaps that's why I feel so worried. It's like I'm the vulnerable one.
>>16634328
Well, I think women like you are great to have found the balls to finally come clean and out of the closet.
>>16633339
>4chan personified
You're obviously the same if you have feelings for him. Why are you asking for advice from, "4chan personified"?
>>16634379
Because I really don't want to fuck it up and I know I probably will.
>>16634385
Continue to do what you're doing and you won't mess it up.
You have to accept and love his flaws and he has to do the same for you, or it's just not going to work. End of story.
>>16634393
So just leave him to it and continue to make an effort when he's feeling alright and more sociable? That's doable I suppose.
>>16634396
This is exactly what I do and plan to do going forward. I know a lot of people say this but if he changed, he wouldn't be the person I care about so I really don't want this to happen just because I have pre-existing expectations of what a relationship should be.
>>16634218
>I think he might secretly hate his 4chan personified lifestyle
It's been my experience that most people who live that lifestyle do hate it. But they believe that they are incapable of getting out of it on their own: they're waiting for the manic pixie dream girl to come along and "save" them by showing them how to live. And yet, this is exactly the opposite of that most of them need.
Just be aware of this. You cannot fix him -no one can but himself- and yet he is, in very large part, looking for someone who will. You cannot be what he wants, and while the odds that he might mature beyond that stage are not zero, that process is outside your ability to control, and your presence may even hinder it. You need to decide whether a relationship with him is worth that.
>>16634409
Like don't mould your standards into him, but give him a pass for fitting a few checks. Help him do stuff to make his future better. But a relationship is a two way street, he has to love you and help you develop too.
>>16634428
Thank you very much for your input. He's not a complete failure at life or anything, he has a job, he can socialise he if wants to. He is definitely somewhat happy how he is as I'm sure he could find a partner if he needed to.
Obviously I would want to make him as happy as I could but I also appreciate you can force someone to fix their lives to your standards if they don't want to. It's not fair and it's doomed to failure. If wanted to carry on how he was, I'd still be happy with that as long as I could be a part of it.
>>16634470
It just sounds like he doesn't have the emotional maturity/disposition at this point in life to have a serious relationship. He's too self-involved and chaotic to maintain something like that in his life. Whether he grows out of this stage is exclusively up to him, no one can make him change even if they try. You can resign yourself to the reality of the situation and accept that he may never change or you can recognize that this will probably tire you in the long run and cut your losses now. Not judging you for either choice.
>>16634496
It sounds like you hit the nail on the head here. We've briefly discussed how much it means to me,although I'm trying so hard not to put any additional pressure on it. I figure if he does let me down again then I might have to back off a bit.
I really appreciate you responding, you've made an excellent point.
