tl;dr: Is it okay to not want to see your family?
I like my parents, I'm very grateful for everything, but I don't feel a need to talk to them. I can see that they want me give news more often, but it's always a bit of a chore. Now most of the time I'll ignore mails/texts/voice messages for a while so that I can only call them about once a month and be done with it. They'll even try to set up events just for me, like last week my mother proposed a steak and board games day, but even then I didn't feel like going there. Today, my father called so that we would both go at the traditional family gathering for the 1st and I pretended to be sick.
I don't know why I feel like that. It's not even just an asocial behaviour because apart from that I'm quite lonely at the moment and go to evening courses, go out with friends, on dates, or invite people over to my place. It's just my family that I don't feel like socializing with. It's not just my parents either, I went to see the others even less and only ever communicate with them when we happen to be at a gathering through my parents.
I used not to think too much about it, thinking I just have clingy parents and that it's normal, but I got really weird looks when I just told a colleague I gave them news only about once a month.
Is it really that weird? Should I force myself to see them more often?
It must be sad to love a family member that doesn't even want to see you.
Who is to say what is right or wrong. Just live your life and be willing to accept the consequences no matter what they might be.
Something to consider is that your parents could keel over and die any day.
They like you. They want to see you. Indulge them. Seeing family is about more than just enjoying steaks and board games. It's about connecting with the people you know by blood. The longer you go without seeing them, the more you'll question the point.
Make memories with them. Make them feel loved. They miss you.
What happens if you do go see them? Do they make you angry, do you get annoyed, are you bored?
>>16629718
>It must be sad to love a family member that doesn't even want to see you.
I actually felt sorry for his parents reading the post.
You have no idea what you've got, parents that love AND want to see you. Most people would probably wish they had that. Wanting to know how your son/daughter is doing isn't being 'clingy'. It's normal to not see your parents for a while, maybe even just on holidays/birthdays or whatever, but not even calling to tell them what's going on with you and check up on them? That's really cold, OP. I mean if they abused you in some way in the past then I understand and think you don't owe them anything, but if they were decent parents that cared, you should at least talk to them.
You'll regret it when they're old and have a very limited amount of time left. You'll regret it a lot, take it from me.
>>16629725
They'll ask me what's up and I'll just talk about my work. I make it a passionate talk everybody loves to hear about, but it's really just repeating the same story over and over to everyone and I don't feel much behind it. I have lots of other things in my life, but none that I can talk about in family (relationships, books, games, sport, ...). Maybe recommend movies they haven't seen. I'll use the occasion to ask a few life tips to make it worth it. So yeah, overall bored, sometimes annoyed at some of their questions about parts of my life I'm not proud about or some of their answers, although they always mean well.
If it's not my parents though, it's clearly bored. Conversation topics will become even more generic and more about always repeating the exact same thing. On my father's side I don't see them often, so people will engage me and I'll go with my story. On my mother's side they will just talk to each other. At the very worst, I remember excusing myself out of my own birthday party because I hadn't had the occasion to say anything for hours and was just losing my mind sitting around the table.
That was a good question, guess that made the underlying problem come up.
>>16629724
>>16629728
In relation to what I just said: I guess I don't feel like making memories... since it's just the same thing all over again. At most my father will ask for help in his house or work, but those are even more obviously just chores I do because I'm extremely grateful when they help me when I need it.
>>16629728
>if they were decent parents that cared, you should at least talk to them.
They were always extremely supportive, I'd even say way more than the average decent parent, so I have no bad feelings. I even genuinely like them for who they are and what they did/do.
>>16629709
Try not to make it so obvious. Even if you don't want to see your family members, at least reply to their messages. Maybe consider sending them a handwritten letter by mail to tell them what you are up to. People appreciate traditional letters.
>>16629709
You don't feel like it now, and I understand. But 10-20 years down the road when they're both dead, you're going to really wish you'd spent more time with them. This is universal to everyone that wasn't abused by their family, and sometimes even to people who've been abused too.
Don't be so shortsighted. You will sorely regret ditching them because 'they're boring' in the future. Go hang out with them, boy. Watch the game with pop and help mama in the kitchen. It's about them now, not you.
>>16629709
>im grateful
>but i dont want to act like im grateful
i dont think you know what grateful is anon. if you live in the same area you really should indulge your parents at least once a month in person. if you moved far away i could see why you'd only visit once or twice a year, but come on anon.
normally im a 'go out and live your own life' kind of guy, but it sounds like you dont really care about them despite that they are willing to do things specifically for you.
just know when you cut someone off you cant come running back when you realize how bad it is without them
>>16629709
I'm kinda that way with my dad.
I live with him AND I work for him. So needless to say we're around each other sometimes 20 hours a day.
And my dad is also a huge IRL troll so you can imagine what it would be like to be around a stage 5 shitposter all day long.
So what I've started doing is I just avoid him when at all possible. I mean he's my dad (I think he is) so I can't purposely not be around him. But i do try to stay in the other room away from him.
>>16629837
>but none that I can talk about in family (relationships, books, games, sport, ...)
Why can't you talk about those?
> I don't feel like making memories... since it's just the same thing all over again.
But that's the point of making memories, to make something new.
>>16629837
To be honest, you sound a little immature, emotionally/socially. Being unable to put your feelings of minor boredom/annoyance for the sake of going through basic social obligation is a sign of it. Really, every grown child goes through this after they've left the nest, but most just do it anyway because they love their parents. They put so much of their lives into you, the least you could do is pick up the phone and listen to them prattle on about whatever mundane thing is going on in their lives at the moment. It makes them happy and feel a connection with you that feels tenuous now that you're away.
Every time I call my dad, I know he's going to ramble on about his newest home improvement project that I honestly don't care about, for an hour plus. He even repeats himself. It's hard to get off the phone with him, too. I can predict every single part of the conversation before it happens, but you know what? I call him and act interested anyway because he is my father and I love him. He's done a lot for me, and still does to this day-- he's even left work to help me when I had car trouble several times before and is always available to me when I have a problem. In my mind he's earned the right to talk my ear off about his boring stuff a million times over.
There's nothing wrong with seeing it for what it is: an obligation. But it's an obligation born out of genuine love, and you shouldn't avoid it just because it's boring.
>>16629956
>Why can't you talk about those?
For relationships, I just don't like talking about them. I like it to be a separate thing nobody knows about. Plus if things are bad and I'd just be ranting, if things are good I don't want to start exposing it just so that it can come back in my face when it ends and people ask me about it.
I love to talk about any of my hobbies, but I just have almost nothing in common with anybody in my family apart maybe some big-budget movies. I can't have a conversation about science-fiction with somebody who reads none, a conversation about game design with somebody who has never played a video game, a conversation about exercising with somebody who never did regular exercise... you get the point. It's normal, it's just that we're not from the same generation; I am otherwise considered a good conversationalist among my friends.
>But that's the point of making memories, to make something new.
That's the point, when I look back at previous family reunions I rarely remember anything good and it's always the same thing.
>>16629940
>>16629957
I hear you, and the similar other comments. I guess I let it slip because they let me get away with it and I should at least do my chore more often and indulge them. Thanks for your input.
Because once everything is said and done you will miss them when they are no longer there, and only be filled with regret.
When my son cries nonstop at 3am I can't call my mother in tears, asking for advice. Many of my friends do that, but I can't. She never met my son.
You never notice how much they matter until you feel the wound left by their absence.
You also never realize how much you need family with unconditional love until you are at a disadvantage and need help. You can be self sufficient all you want, but shit happens. It's nice to have even just emotional support.
Even though I live across the country from my father, I converse with him at least once every 24 hours, be it a text or short phonecall. It is more for his sake than mine, and I also know that like Mom, one day I won't be able to hear his voice ever again.
That is the other thing. More frequent calls mean the calls get brief and sweet. So you don't have to dread an hour long conversation. Just 5 minutes.
