I know parenting questions are weird for /adv/ but what should i do?
>have 7 y/o
>she wants to do an extracurricular activity
>i was thinking band, daughter accepts
>musical influences from both sides of the family, her dad plays piano, I never did but wish i did, my dad knows a variety of instruments
>my mom (daughter's grandma) is very nosy and freaks out that we do nothing right
>mom doesn't want her to play an instrument for fucked up reasons
>"its for ugly people"
>"for socially inept people"
>stupid shit like that
>we bought my daughter an instrument for christmas
>my mom is having a shit fit
>brings up "horror stories" of her friend's daughter being bullied hard for being a girl in band
My mom has influences on my daughter. Very manipulative influences. She'll tell my daughter things like "You don't want to do that do you?" enough to make my daughter confused, eager to please the adults around her, and she'll sway her decision on something.
It pisses me off to no end, but my husband and I are still going to continue getting my daughter lessons, and sign her up for band. We've told my mom on multiple occasions that we think this is the right fit for our child. She doesn't stop.
What else can I do? My daughter is very interested in the instrument, but she is also easily swayed. My mom is unavoidable since I work with her and she is our closest family living to us.
>>16629499
>"mom is unavoidable"
This is the problem. Your mom believes there can be no consequences, so she does as she pleases.
You should tell your mom that the little girl enjoys the instrument, and that THAT is what is important. If your mother starts back with the "BUT IT'S FOR SOCIALLY ENEPT..." Tell her that there will be consequences if she interferes. This is YOUR child. Do NOT allow your mom to BULLY and MANIPULATE your little girl.
Tell your mother that she may have good intentions by trying to prevent the little girl from getting bullied, but by crushing her dreams and discouraging her, the grandmother would be the one being the bully. Tell her that family should ALWAYS be supportive, and that the little girl should decide whether or not she wants to pursue the instrument by her own accord.
wow this sounds like an extremely toxic relationship, I'd say your priority should be finding a way to get out of it
>>16629499
Explain to your mom how learning an instrument is beneficial for your child. This page explains the benefits of letting a child learn music: http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/814331/10-reasons-why-your-child-should-play-a-musical-instrument-1
Explain to your mother she has two choices:
1) Shut the fuck up
or
2) Get punched in the uterus until 1 occurs.
>>16629513
We have told my mom that we understand her concern, but that won't happen to our daughter.
I don't even know who my mom is trying to fool. My daughter's demeanor has always been shy. She has a tiny group of friends, she's very intelligent, and she's not gifted with large muscle coordination. My mom insists on her being a cheerleader. (as if bullying doesn't exist in that group of girls)
We're going to be more harsh next time. Usually, after we tell my mom to stop, she does, but then she gets some wild hair up her ass every couple of months and starts complaining about it again.
I want my daughter to be passionate about something. I don't care what it is. But I thought trying an instrument would be a good skill. If she decides later that it is not for her and with good reason, then she doesn't have to play it. But I just think it will be a good opportunity for her to understand practice, determination, etc.
>>16629523
>trying an instrument would be a good skill
It is indeed a good skill. Learning music is compulsory in a lot of schools and it will give your daughter a head start. Tell your mother that.
>>16629531
I have told her this before. She thinks I'm pushing my lost dreams onto my daughter.
I had begged my mom as a child to let me play saxophone. And my mom did the same thing to me as a child. My dad even bought me the instrument one year and my mom promised she'd get the lessons. She never did, and now she's saying "When you had an instrument, you never even played it!" when it was her job when I was young to get me the lessons. I couldn't have learned completely on my own.
She brings it up every time. I'm seriously thinking about cutting contact until my daughter is confidently invested in the instrument and my mom accepts it.
Is this bait? Why would your mom be against it unless if you are teaching your daughter to play shitty Justin Bieber music on an instrument?
>>16629543
My mom has horrible views of women. She is probably the most sexist person I know despite how contradicting it may be.
This is unfortunately real life.
>>16629543
Her views are literally that of the bumhick bible belt. "women should be seen, not heard." "Women should only marry and let a man provide." "Women should focus more on their looks than books."
But we live in california, and my mom acts like some twisted princess with the views of an Alabama pastor.
>>16629553
It used to not slip to my daughter, but now that my daughter's getting older, my mom's slithering in.
I mean
I hated band kids but they seemed like they had their own little culture and group in high school
And if she does marching band it definitely looked like a commraderie bonding thing that seemed similar to what I had in the military (they would even get smoked for fucking up lol)
Even if people bully her she'll have an army of band geeks to beat the shit out of he bullies with their instruments with
>>16629545
Are you from a western country?
>>16629499
>have 7 y/o
No, you don't.
>>16629579
I'm second generation. My mom was raised by my grandparents who think the same way. My grandma only got a 7th grade education, and stayed a house wife. My mom idolized that.
>>16629499
You're the parent, not your mom. You can deny her to even see your daughter without reason. She's being a passive-aggressive bully to your kid.
>>16629577
The band geeks were popular at my school. I remember people kinda bashing pretty girls in band. But they were likely jealous. The band geek won prom queen. But that's because she had her whole squad vote for her. Our band was good in high school.
>>16629588
Yea, I know I have the right, I just didn't want to do that because my daughter loves her, of course.
I will have one more serious talk with her, and if she doesn't bend, I'm cutting her off.
This isn't about trying to convince your mom that learning music is ok. This is about preventing your mom from pushing what SHE wants on your daughter. If she can't control herself, you need to do it. That means if she keeps this shit up, she's not going to be seeing your kid very much, and certainly not alone.
I think a seven year old is old enough to understand the concept of bigotry (not in the sense of racial prejudice) and that some people get fixated on ideas that they want to push onto others whether it makes sense or not. It may be worth explaining to her about grandma's feelings about girls playing music.
The way I try to explain bigotry is as an analogy to disliking food. Your daughter is probably aware that not everyone likes the same types of foods. Most people who don't like cheese don't really care that others do. But sometimes they get the idea that no one else should like cheese either, and get upset when other people do. At their worst, they can be mean about it and tell people that they're bad for liking cheese, but sometimes they'll just try to persuade other people they don't like cheese either, even if they do.
>>16629586
What is your culture? Middle eastern?
>>16629690
No, actually we're from the netherlands. I don't know why they are like this.
>>16629684
Thank you for this, I was trying to think of a way to prepare my daughter to kinda not listen to what my mother says about those things.
