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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
I doubt this will be constructive, but I guess I mostly just need to write the story somewhere. It'll be horribly long and unlikely that someone will bother with it but I digress
So shit part first: LDR. For ~5 months. She goes through some tough times, but we talk daily, hours on end, she's great, she thinks I'm great, we're in love. This after talking casually for about a month or two, until we came clean to the other about what we felt. She starts working this ungodly job, 10 hours a day, but we somehow manage. We have plans that she'll move here, we'll stay together, travel, get married, we're great.
After I say something that scared her a bit too much, she flakes big time and calls it off. I don't say anything and then 2 days later she comes running back that she misses me and still loves me and everything. I'm happy we're back together, and I convince her we're good for each-other.
Her job gets worse during holiday season (fashion) and it gets more difficult. We talk less and less, I get paranoid often, but I try to keep it under control for the most part.
Eventually she says that she has too many doubts (we do have some different things about us but not relationship-breaking imo), and she needs a break, time to think. Naturally she doesn't just want a break, we're pretty much done with 'us', she just wants to be friends. I convince her to have a few calls over the coming 2 weeks to actually talk about this. She's still very busy with her work but we manage to talk and she's quite convinced. But she doesn't want us to become strangers. She says that she doesn't love me as much as I love her (I honestly don't find this an issue, she has much less free time than I do to think about these things)
>cont.
In the meantime of all of this I fail my visa interviews twice and now there's literally nothing more I can do to go visit her. I'm fully out of options and tell her whatever she wants to do in the future, is up to her, I've done quite frankly everything I could. I tell her we could still see each-other some place else if she wanted.
Before I fail the second one she tells me she's gonna go on a road-trip with friends, but if I do manage to go there she can fly back so that we can see each-other again. That doesn't work since I fail the visa part, and now there's basically a high-chance we'll never see each-other again. She says she's genuinely sad about that, but that I shouldn't worry, 'we'll see each-other some day'.
In the midst of all of this I am like 95% sure she doesn't have someone else; she was never big on relationships and never really had a fling either; her longest rel. was like 5 months I think. My last one was 4+ years
We keep casually chatting about little nothings, I still initiate, but about a week ago I just drop it because my life is just a mess (I think)
I forgot to mention I bought a house for us, in case she moved here; I checked with her on a few furniture things so that she'd like them too, especially that we have enough room for her clothes.
For a few days now she's been initiating contact, now that she has more time from her road-trip with friends. She even sent me pictures.
Then she's like "we should go traveling together if we have the chance". I tell her chances can be made. She says let's go to Mexico; I'm like...okay, sure. Yea let's go there and there in September or so, because in Feb I'm going to my parents (we're both expats). Okay, let's go to mexico city and cancun for a week in september. She's like ok we'll book tickets when I get back from the trip
Fucking character limit
We texted over new year's and such, she was checking what I was up to, she told me to be happy and such. On one hand it feels like she's more worried about me than still having a thing for me. She knows that I had to drink myself to sleep for 2-3 weeks and that I got very sad about our various bumps along the way.
Lately I've tried being less 'into it' and coming off as a bit more cool and laid-back about it; I think she prefers that, but it's really killing me, I can't do this much longer. I almost was over it and then we start talking daily again. Who the fuck does that with 'just friends'?
I'm just gonna try and keep this up until we actually get tickets for autumn vacation, but wtf? How do I handle this? What the fuck is going on?
I don't even want to ask her, she probably has no idea either. She'll just take the safe way out again and say nah no we're just friends. Maybe I'm overthinking it and she'll want to bring friends to our trip too, but still.
There's really no advice to be had, I just...I'm sick of my life and this constant shit. I want someone stable I can build things on, and I am so sure we'd be awesome together if we were actually physically together.
She also seemed happy that I managed to progress with my career and music while we were apart, probably one of those boring cliche signs that your life doesn't depend on them (which in some sense it does, and she also felt it). But what's so wrong in wanting to keep someone that makes you happy.
So yea, that's to some extent the story.
last bump
i'll wait for the movie version to come out
>>16629481
but anon I don't even know how the movie ends
or if it's about me and her
>>16629290
Well, LDRs are like that. They confuse the shit out of you. One day you're missing someone, the next day you're fine, the third day, you don't want to think about missing someone so you distract yourself, then you start feeling apathetic.... In between comes doubts about what you're actually doing, and what you want.
If both of you were close together, it becomes much easier to be invested. LDRs fuck the shit out of you. I know, I'm in one for the past 3 years. At least you guys talk regularly. I don't even know what to say or where to begin. We've grown apart too much and it's really fucking with my head.
She's also in this limbo. Unless if she's willing to move to where you are, you can be stuck in this drag for who knows how long. Someone has to make the move soon. My circumstances are different, but I know things have to change at my end else it's just a balloon waiting to pop.
>>16629744
>LDR for 3 years
do you even try to imagine how many dicks she sucked in this time?
>>16629744
yea, it's pretty much like that
I'd break free if I knew I could get someone else easily, but obviously I can't
and I can't keep doing this until if we actually go somewhere together
I just don't know if I should come clean towards her or not, if I should try and understand why she wants to go somewhere together all of a sudden
I've almost grown accustomed to this kind of pain and waiting, because I need the hope
>>16629801
Thank you. I'm the girl. >_>
And there's something called trust.
>>16629816
why don't you just answer my question? i'm curious here girl, let me guess... more than 10?
>>16629815
No. Don't get addicted. I'm too used to having my own space now and it messes up when we do get together every few months.
I mean, you both clearly have feelings for each other, but unless something concrete together is lined up, this is just a messy quicksand. Nobody can help you there.
If you want to move on, then do it. If you keep thinking you need someone in order to break free, then start dating others. Make the two of you a casual relationship or whatever. I mean, you don't even know if you're really dating anymore. Start looking, it'll be easier to move on. Else, move in together. These are your only options as far as I can see.
>>16629290
Have you actually met this person and spent time with her in real life?
>>16629831
Well then, I pity you for having shitty untrustworthy people around you. Good luck.
>>16629850
Yea, it started when she visited my city for 2 days, and we walked around and talked for hours but nothing more happened then. I already knew her for some time, that's a longer story...
>>16629854
C'mon...
Can't you see that i'm just messing with you? where's your sense of humor grill?
>>16629850
Really that was the thing, we liked talking to each other like crazy, and we both felt something super comfy and at home.
I feel like this thing died because of her work schedule and the magic of ldr, which seems that she want strong enough to fight through, and I couldn't help her more than just be there and try to keep contact, but it's something I can't do by myself unfortunately
>>16629846
>move on
I don't want to move on, I want to get her
>date others
I hated it when she suggested the same thing, but I would if I could; obviously it would be easier like that but it's not that easy for me to get someone else
but so it's better if I act as if nothing's going on, while we talk daily and we plan vacations together?
how can I keep this going like this? how do other people cope with this limbo?
Actually my question is: should I keep talking to her? Should I still ask her how she's doing and such little things? Like now if she had a nice new year's etc
But I guess not to often or what. Fuck.
>>16629890
You want her to fight through an LDR when you've barely been together. It's great that your connection was strong, but time spent together really has a different hold over you.
>>16629926
Yes, then. Plan vacations together. Atleast you'll be meeting then and have some high to ride on during your LDR season.
That's the only way to keep the limbo up. You meet every few months, as frequent as you can, and spend atleast a week of quality time together.
>>16629939
Dude.
>I don't want to move on, I want to get her
and
>Actually my question is: should I keep talking to her?
soooooo... like.... what do you think you should do?
>>16629995
I guess that's a "of course you should keep talking, stupid" but the second point I was asking how to keep it...light? but not too light?
For ex I have way more time, I would talk to her every second if I could, but that has back-fired in the past, and I've mostly learned my lesson
I also don't really want to let go of her too much, don't want to risk her ending up with someone else somehow...
christ this fucking sucks I swear sometimes
If we don't plan anything for later on I'll go cold turkey and go fuck-it mode with everything
and btw thanks to the anons, I somehow feel a bit better after venting and not getting too much "dump her, it's over" typical bullshit and people listening
I'm still surprised /adv/ sometimes helps
I need therapy
>>16630059
Well, I came to 4chan after reading Densha Otoko. Glad to be of help anon.
I don't really know if having certain times of day dedicated to talking to her will be of any help. Maybe find yourself something else to do on the side, your own hobby, like writing or something. It'll keep your extra free time out of her context.
>>16630092
I try, I'm trying to pick up all the things I used to do before getting caught up in this. She seems to be happier to hear that I do other things, maybe because she feels less pressure or something
She's on my mind way too much; but I guess I'll start with something like texting her after like 4-5 days or w/e. And then let her initiate the next. I dunno
but so wait, this Densha Otoko started off as a 2chan story that evolved into a manga, novel, tv series, and play?
>>16630140
yup! ^_^ it's a nice sort of inspiring story of this guy getting support from anons to come out of his shell. This is the version I read:
http://mangafox.me/manga/densha_otoko_net_hatsu_kakueki_teisha_no_love_story/
I don't know how often you text now. But I guess once you find something to do, you'll automatically adjust around that. The thing is to be not so conscious about the quantity. So just start off by getting yourself busy. She probably thinks you worry about her too much and that's why she's relieved that you can have other things to put attention to too.
>>16630163
>She probably thinks you worry about her too much and that's why she's relieved that you can have other things to put attention to too
I know that for a fact...
you're right
I gotta get my shit together
but I'll just go back to "I'll just die alone" mode if she gets someone else in the meantime; I really can't deal with that kind of stuff
I really love her
thank you anon, I feel a bit better
>I'll be back in a week most likely
and now she texts me daily like how the fuck do people work I don't even
>>16630182
no one can really stop her if she decides in her heart she wants to look at other people. the only thing you can do is give it your shot and hope things somehow work out together.
Right now, there's willingness from her side, so she hasn't given up yet. Nor is your relationship stale. So go do your vacations.
Good luck.
>I'll be back in a week most likely
I don't know where I'll be in a week. :)
>>16630194
Alright, I'll help you out OP. The reason she keeps texting you is because she feels you slipping away. If you want to get her back you're going to have to play it cool for a while until her emotions are engaged again. Don't be cold though.
>>16630584
there's two sides to this...I agree with you on one hand
on the other, it might be she's just a bit worried and that's all
she asked me today, after talking about some movies and what we did for new year's, she asked if I'm okay; like the third time in the last 3 days she's asking how I'm doing; I'm sort of ok really, but this time I said 'yea, why?'
after like 3 minutes of "Typing..." she says 'nothing.' and then we chat a bit more about some other things
she's probably just making sure I'm okay mood wise and not too broken up over it like I used to be; I'm sure she'll cancel the whole plan thing and it'll be as if we never really had plans to marry when she gets back to work and she'll forget about it again
but my insecurities aside, that's what I'm doing; trying to act cool while dying inside, as usual; no better way out of it anyway I suppose. Thanks for the advice regardless, anon
>>16630611
I really recommend you read the book 3% Man by Corey Wayne. I was once in the same position as you in a LDR and the book really opened my eyes to the constant mistakes I was making. If not convinced, at least watch some of his YouTube videos.
>>16630705
I appreciate the advice but I've never been a fan of these self-help guys
