I'm an American Male, Virgin, gonna be 24 in a few months.
I just got out of a sexting session with a girl, which I was ridiculously into while it was going on but as soon as it was done I got hit with such insane regret and nausea that I felt like vomiting. I think that was an hour ago or so and I still feel sick and shakey. This was the third time I've sexted anyone ever, the previous two with two other girls whom I'm also still friends with. Very casual business, but after every time I've felt this sick, both morally and physically.
I've only had one sexual encounter once with a girl I was madly in love with, it was a blow job. She enjoyed herself too, and she told me afterwards she never thought she'd actually enjoy doing what she did for me. But the whole time we were making out she kept asking me if I was okay with it or I wanted to stop, because I was trembling all over. And I told her I wanted to keep going, because I did, but there's a massive part of me that is so disgusted and terrified of ever having sex, so I didn't let things go that far. I was already freaking out enough as it was.
When I was in the boy scouts I had this scout master who was pretty friendly with everyone. He helped me make my walking stick for hiking, and I remember him helping bandage up a pretty bad burn I got from a lighter once. And he used to make a lot of weird comments at me, too. (1/2)
For example, I remember we were talking about washing sleeping bags, and I said "Why would you ever wash a sleeping bag unless you tracked mud into it or something?" And he looked at me with this smile of his and said "You've got to take care of your love stains!" And I remember laughing it off, like "oh, he's just joking around. I make the same jokes with my friends. He's just trying to be one of the guys!" And he invited me over to his house once to look at all the guns he had with his nephew, who was also in our troop. I remember him inviting me back to his house on my own sometime, and I didn't go along with it. I really didn't see any danger at the time, I seriously thought this guy was just my friend. Of course it turned out he'd been raping his nephews in the troop for years, and I never heard anything about him raping his foster kids but, I mean, come on. I still feel like an absolute fucking idiot for ever trusting him. He's in prison right now, if that makes anyone feel better.
I can think of a lot of different friends I had growing up that were raped off the top of my head. Some of them as kids, and one of them by another kid. One of them was raped with a soldering iron when she was fifteen because she wasn't putting out. Three of them were trafficked as kids, one of those killed themselves and the other I've had to call the suicide hotline for one of the others. I don't know, this is off the top of my head. All of them were so scarred by it. I think that's a huge part of it, seeing what people do to each other just to get their rocks off. I'm so afraid of ever wanting anyone sexually because I'm so terrified of hurting anyone. Or even just the stupid mistakes they make, getting pregnant just because you took a stupid risk because you wanted to "feel good." (2/3)
I don't even feel like I deserve to feel this way because I was never raped. It was them, not me, I was just there. Like I'm just this disgusting coward how cant bring himself to even do sex properly, caringly, and consensually with a girl because I'm so afraid of ever scarring them or hurting them. I'm sitting here fighting back tears and the urge to vomit as I write this. I just don't want to ever hurt anyone. And I try. I try to engage in these things, because I know I'm supposed to enjoy it. And it's supposed to be a beautiful thing between two consenting people. But I can't bring myself to do it.
Sorry if this reads like a train of thought post, but thats what it is. (3/3)
>>16611530
Seek therapy. And emotional support.
>>16611530
Yes, therapy time. It's something you need to figure out with a professional.
Sex is not evil, and good sex is not always caring/compassionate/etc. Most women prefer an element of domination and control coming from the man.
Perhaps you are holding this part of your self back because of all the pain you have observed in others. Commendable if so, but still requires fixing. I have no idea though, talk to a pro -- it will make your life infinitely better. Do it now, not later, your life is ticking away while you procrastinate
I just want to say you're a good person. You're so afraid of hurting people that it's hurting you. That is really, really nice, in a sad way.
You need professional help.
Always remember, as long as you're sure both of you want to do it, it's okay. If it's safe and consensual, there's no need to feel ashamed or guilty.
>>16611589
>That is really, really nice, in a sad way.
I know you were only trying to be nice to him here, but for the love of crap please try not to be so fucking condescending, because it's the opposite of help.
>>16611540
>>16611585
>>16611589
Yeah. Maybe I'll do that, I just don't know where I can find a good price for it. It'd be nice if I could find it for free.
>>16611614
It's alright, I know what they meant. No harm done.
>>16611585
>Most women prefer an element of domination and control coming from the man.
This part always makes me sad. Why is being a woman so fucking pathetic? I can't help but feel absolutely terrible for them. It makes my dick hard, but god damn.
Being a human being is so fucking sick.
Maybe you have associated sex with those horrible experiences of your friends. Agree with previous anons, seek help bro.
>>16611530
>>16611697
>This part always makes me sad. Why is being a woman so fucking pathetic? I can't help but feel absolutely terrible for them. It makes my dick hard, but god damn.
>Being a human being is so fucking sick.
Welcome to the real world little boy.
We are animals.
Women have a genetic imperative to find a strong, powerful mate for protection and healthy offspring. If a man cannot take charge in bed, overpower her physically, or possess the intelligence to KNOW she wants that, her entire body shuts down sexually. It is essential to the survival of our species that she reacts this way
>>16611741
Nah. You can go fuck yourselves. I ain't playing in your reality. I'll go play in my own reality.
I'll be lonely, but it's worth it. You all can go fuck yourselves.
