Hey /adv/ im having a bit of an issue with morality here.
Im 22, and have a 19yo gf, we were best freinds for about a year before we ended up getting together. Every aspect of the relationship is great, except for the sex.
I feel like a horrible human being, but im considering ending it. Since we got together, i cant open up to her like i used to because it would put our relationship at risk. (I have serious mental issues and severe depression) In other words, I miss her being my best freind.
Problem is, i think she's in love with me. I cant break her heart like that because i know just how much it hurts. I cant do that to my best freind, but at the same time its tearing me apart being in a relationship I dont want to be in.
I feel bad, because the only reason im considering breaking up with her is the sex. It just isnt anywhere near as good as what I've had previously.
Ive brought the sex issue up with her properly, sat down and had a good 3 hour chat with her about it. And it wont change, she has no intention of working with me to improve our sex life. She just isn't on the same level as me when it comes to intimacy.
So /adv/... Whats the best way to deal with this issue? I just want my best freind back.
>>16607518
>sex is only reason
Apologies for the confusion, dont know why i put this. There is the sex issue and the fact i was happier with her being my best freind. Both are equal in how much of a problem they are.
>>16607518
if you dump her, theres no way she would be you "best friend" anymore,she will probably hate you and never talk to you anymore or resent you forever.
you only want to make her feel like shit so she can lick your wounds? why are u dating her in the first place if you didnt want to be with her?
>>16607518
>dating your best friend
you made your bed OP now sleep in it.
>>16607518
Break up with her so she can be with someone else please.
You know you have severe depression and mental issues, and decided to get with your best friend despite it. When people with depression/mental issues are in relationships to them it doesn't matter who they're with, they're just looking for a distraction from what they're feeling.
Work on yourself before you get into a relationship and fuck someone else up because of your emotional baggage bullshit.
Im the first guy she's been with in 4 years, considering her age, this may as well be her first relationship.
Getting together was unplannedand out of nowhere, i was hanging out at hers one night and we ended up fucking, and after that she poured out all this stuff about how shes liked me for ages but never said anything because she didnt think i was ready for a relationship. She wasnt too herself so i suggested we give it a shot and see how it went... I was feeling confident about it at the time too, i didnt do it just for some selfish personal gain. Its just, over time, my mind has changed about it.
I cant just break up with her, it will destroy her, she has major attachment issues and has depression herself. I really want her to be happy, i wanted to make her happy by being her boyfreind, but I just cant deal with not having a freind to talk to anymore.
>>16607622
She knew about my problems though, she knows me inside and out, as i do with her. Which i why i was confident the relationship would work.
She's delt with my depression, aggressiveness, and everything else thats wrong with me for almost a year, she genuinely cares for me and is one of the only people who has ever understood me.
She knew the risks when she said yes, i even went as far as telling her It would be a very, very long time before i could say i loved her. She understood and accepted.
>>16607672
What a mess. You want an outside perspective, that's why you're posting here, right? This is going to become a toxic relationship. You don't even want to be together at all, you just feel obligated to. You both have depression and shit to work through. Tell her this when you break up with her so that she understands the reasons, at least, as to why you should break up.
Of course she's going to cry and shit - that happens when someone rips your heart out, it's natural. But you shouldn't waste her time like this, it isn't fair to either of you.
>>16607679
I still want to be there for her though. I dont want to "rip her heart out" because she doesnt deserve that. I've had it done to me and just cant bring myself to inflict that on someone else. Its a fucking horrible thing to do.
Im not too sure if im being very clear here, i will apologise but this is the 3rd night in a row this problem has kept me awake.
I just need a way to let her down gently and "demote" our relationship back into bestfreindship or however that should be worded.
I care about her more than anybody else i know. I cant hurt her. She is alls i have, and im pretty sure I have become her world too, she has even told me she feels ready too come off her antidepressants (shes been on them for 4 years). Thats a major life step for her, i cant fuck that up for her!
These sort of deep thoughts? What im trying to explain here... This is the sort of thing we used to talk about, we really explored others minds. But since we got together, my issues have gotten worse, and i cant talk to her about them because it would ruin the relationship anyway. I just dont know what the fuck to do.
>>16607726
"Girl, I care about you so much, but I don't want to be in a relationship. I want us to be best friends again, that is when I feel most comfortable with you. I appreciate and respect your feelings, I'll always be there for you no matter what. But a relationship just isn't for us, not at this stage in my life at least. I know you must be hurting so much right now, so I'll leave you be for a while, if that's what you want".
Cut contact for a good month. Fix your shit. Come back.
>>16607518
>She just isn't on the same level as me when it comes to intimacy.
Savage.
>>16607518
Maybe you can fix it. Don't dump her and ruin everything because of sex. There's plenty of shit online on how to fix bad sex lives. As for wanting a friend to talk to, you can still talk to her about shit. After all she is a girlFRIEND. And for stuff you can't talk to her about, you have guy friends right?
>>16607799
It's hard to describe in a way that makes sense, but i am extremely hard to satisfy, mentally as well as physically, there have been few girls in my life who have managed it, and knowing it is possible stops me from settling for anything less.
Best way i can describe it is that i have a very deep emotional attachment to specific types of intimacy. If a girl doesnt have the capability to satisfy this, or at least is open-minded/malleble enough to change then I wont ever be happy.
Its impossible for me to settle for anything less than perfect sex. I've had it in the past and lost it. Its fucked me up.
>>16607861
Lower your standards? Even if it was perfect in the past, convince yourself that that wasn't a big deal and you shouldn't compare it to now. After all, living in the past isn't healthy.
If we move forward while looking back we will drive ourselves insane.
>>16607860
she doesnt understand how i view sex and intimacy no matter how i try to explain it. Her perspective on sex is completely different to mine, which is why I dont enjoy it, its not just a simple case of "waah she wont let me do anal" or some shit. Its a lot deeper than that for me.
And no, i dont have any other freinds besides her. I have huge trust issues and am very selective with people i let in my life. This is why this decision is difficult for me, im on a knife's edge of losing the only person that matters to me.
>>16607873
Easier said than done pal, besides... I know its out there and i can get it, Why should i settle for anything less?
>>16607898
(Again, apologies, havnt slept for 3 days now)
To add to this, its not like i havnt tried to sort this problem out. Its been the main reason for the downfall of most of my relationships, I hate the way my mind works, but cant do anything to change it. Among other things, ive gone as far as therapy and medication to alter/kill my sex drive. Nothing works. Im trapped.
>>16607788
Thank you, this is pretty close to what I've been wanting to say anyway. Confirmation like that on how to deal with it is what i needed.
Problem is. My mental state is too far gone to be fixed, I doubt I'll ever be ready for a serious relationship with anyone again, nevermind someone who i know im not compatible with. I cant give her false hope.
Bump
>>16607861
What "specific types of intimacy"?
>>16608904
Its irrelevant. Alls that needs to be said is that the sex just isnt satisfying for me.
I didn't read all the replies, so I don't know if this has been said. It's a fact you'll never get your friendship back. You can recover pieces of it, but it'll never be the same. If you continue being friends, things *might* get better after a long while, really depends on how she'll handle it.
Bad sex is actually a pretty legit point. I mean, if you can't work it, it won't. Are you sure there's no way you can fix it? If she's younger, maybe she just needs more practice...
>>16607788
> cut contact for a month
Not really relevant, but going to reply to this anyway.
I'm currently in a less than desirable situation. I have made a friend and gotten very close to her, then (accidentally) fallen in love with her. Nothing else has developed between us... but the thought of cutting contact with her for even a week makes my stomach drop through the floor.
For me, this would probably be helpful - a way to reduce my obsession, dull the fire of my love for a woman that I shouldn't pursue - but it's too difficult. I'm not strong enough.
So, the point I'm working towards here: I recognize how difficult it will be to do the things that need to be done, when you feel such a bond with someone.
Be strong. Do the things. People suck - but there are some individuals who stand out, who make life worth living. No price is too high to pay to keep them in your life.
Pay the price.
Be strong.
>>16609892
I dont know, she is unbeleivably understanding of me. Ive told her a lot about the way i work and some of the bad shit ive done in the past and while she has opinions on it, she has never let any of it affect the way she feels about me or treats me. Im not saying im 'sure' she'll take it well, but, looking at it logically, I'd say i have a better chance than average... Its still a risk I dont want to take.
As for the sex, I knew we wouldnt be compatible from the first time we slept together. She doesnt see it the same way as me, unless that somehow changes (which it wont as its a major rooted personality trait) then i cant be satisfied with it. Unfortunately its just a thing very few girls have.
