I've never asked about my girlfriend's past until now. We've been a couple for a year.
We are LDR right now, but only for 2 months.
I don't know why but...I woke up today dying to know her sexual history. Out of nowhere. I am going to ask her as soon as she wakes up today. Is this a bad idea?
She's in her mid-30s, and I was going to just ask "hey..before you met me, how long had it been since you had sex?"
>inb4 don't ask questions if you don't want to know the answer
How the fuck...how can I commit my life to this woman if I don't eventually know some day? I don't know. Today for whatever reason I woke up and feel like I NEED to know.
Just ask. If you got such a strong urge to ask now, it'll probably happen again and it's way better you know now than when you're married or whatever.
>>16606661
you sound insecure as fuck, believe me, you don't want to know..
People on /adv/ will tell you "ignorance is bliss" and "don't ask don't tell", but I fully agree with you that a relationships is about intimacy, and intimacy comes from being as close as possible. You can't know you actually truly love someone if you don't even know them fully, and a past is definitely a part of them.
I just think you should have asked earlier.
>>16606675
>>16606674
These answers are so different.
I don't know. I always said "I'm not ever gonna ask about that because it's not my business. So I never allowed us to have this discussion."
But today for some reason I woke up and was just dying to know. No idea why. It's probably because of all my time spent lurking here and r9k.
I've had 13 partners in my life. I'm not insecure about that. She said she's had "very few, probably less than you" before to me, and claims she lost her virginity after 30, but that's all I know.
>>16606661
Get on the topic of how many long term relationships she's been in. You can narrow it a bit down from there. Sexual partners is almost always 2-3x higher than her base number.
>>16606682
She really believes "past is not who I am now," and not that she's ever done anything that bad, but in general yeah.
The ONLY reason I've never had this discussion before is because I have a sketchy sexual past (lots of 1 night stands, crazy sex, prostitutes, etc.) that I didn't want to go on about. I bury it and plan to take it to my grave. That's why.
>>16606661
You are obviousIy not prepared for this. Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer.
>>16606688
She told me she's never had a one night stand before.
>>16606692
They might not be who they used to be, but their past is still a part of them. There is no denying that. And if you want to know hers, you need to be fair and let her know yours too.
If you two are fine with eachothers' pasts, secrets, and intimate details, then you are meant to be together.
>>16606693
Well what the fuck then?
How do I be "ready"?
But why the fuck am I so insecure given that I myself have had plenty of sexual partners?
I'm not insecure about that.
It's just the vision in my head of some other dude fucking my girlfriend that bugs the shit out of me.
>>16606661
>She's in her mid-30s
Noooooooo! Don't ask her sexual history!!!
Just look and see if she's a roastie.
>>16606708
You wiII know when your body is ready.
>>16606713
What?
>>16606712
I mean, she's really hairy. It's hard to tell, I don't fucking know. Not really..
She says 'very few' and that she lost it after 30 though..hmm.
>>16606661
Forget partners, what if she's had 3 ways with massive bIack guys before, and without protection? What if she misses 3 ways? What if she's used to "bigger" guys and she's settIing on you?
>>16606716
>taking the roastie meme seriously
OP pls
>>16606716
She couId've been a B J machine for years though. There are a Iot of situations you can consider.
>>16606718
She says she's never had a threesome or a one night stand though. She wouldn't tell me about the bigger thing. I'm not worried about the things you mentioned here.
>>16606723
She's terrible at BJs and hates giving them. I'm not worried about this either to be honest.
>>16606709
You are insecure because you have a gross and slutty past, and I mean that in the nicest way. You have that, your uncomfortable with it, your worried she has something your uncomfortable with. When you confront her about it, you'll also likely get super hung up on something barely even questionable compared to your past, again because you are ashamed of yourself and determined to bury that shame.
Keep us updated on what happens, this is the part where things get interesting
>>16606724
>No 3 somes
She's had a 4 some then. Maybe butt stuff she doesn't count?
>You got tricked!
>>16606730
She's never had anal and I'm 100% sure she hasn't had a foursome.
Look all I can do is go by her word. There's no way I could do anything but that. But that's what she's told me.
>>16606727
What can I do? You're right I think, but I don't know. I would get super hung up on something barely questionable compared to my own past, but I don't know what to do. She won't wake up for like 5 more hours though because of our time difference.
So everyone here seems like they're just saying "what if" this and that, but very few are actually saying what to do.
A few people said I SHOULD ask, and like 1 or 2 said no it's probably a bad idea..
>>16606734
Oh I have no idea what you should do. I mean, the obvious answer is to not be ashamed of your past, but considering you deny it and hide it that's unlikely. The short term solution is not to pry, it will lead nowhere good. "Best" case scenario, you find out nothing even you can get worked up over, which is unlikely, and she starts prying into your sexual history. That leads to lies or honesty, both with obvious bad implications. The more likely situation is you get pissed off and the relationship starts to implode.
>>16606752
Yeah but I already deal with my jealousy as it is.
When she pries, I just deny it and bury it. I deny it even to myself, I want my life to be like it never happened. She can pry all she wants into mine, I think it's cute.
But I already know she wasn't a virgin when I met her, so I wouldn't get pissed off. I'm sticking with her no matter what her past is here. I just want to know now for some reason.
>>16606758
>When she pries, l just deny it and bury it.
>Thinking she's not keeping things from you
>ln her 30s
IoI anon you're in for a ride
>>16606760
Why though? I'm in for a ride because I say "no honey, I've never been with a prostitute" before?
I've been through her facebook, phone, skype, all other social media many times and asked about every single guy on there. She doesn't use her facebook much at all.
I'm in for a ride because I've lied in the past before? Why? There is 0 chance of that ever catching up to me unless I say it because it was a one time thing in a foreign country which nobody in the world knows about except me.
>>16606765
>l've been through her lNSERT LONG FUCKlNG LlST HERE
>asked about every singIe guy on there
Nigga you got serious probIems
>>16606765
And there is 100% chances you're crazy because of your denial, you'll never trust her, and that you'll obsess about her history. Man, if this wasnt already about to destruct, I'd ask how your insecurity is going be when you get together IRL.
>>16606724
>hates giving them
why are you with her
>>16606787
>Nigga you got serious probIems
this. you are super insecure OP
>>16606796
I can't get off from them and I was just responding to someone's comment above. I love her more than anything and that thing is not important to me.
>>16606791
>>16606808
>>16606787
I just can't get the image of another guy having fucked her at some point out of my head. I just keep imagining it.
How can I get over this?
Please help my insecurity. She's wonderful and has done literally nothing wrong, I know on a cognitive level I should be fine, but I can't get this image out of my head.
Please help. I want a real method here.
>>16606661
>How the fuck...how can I commit my life to this woman if I don't eventually know some day?
why do you care??
>>16606808
>>16606787
Fuck, I try to be calm but then I go on here and /r9k/ and I see all kinds of shit, start imagining things, and start feeling really fucked up.
>>16606814
I don't know! I didn't until this morning. I'm so confused, it's like I can't stop imagining it. I don't understand...
Please help me.
>>16606765
>She doesn't use her face book much at all
Red fIag, she probabIy has a second one.
But don't worry! lt's just an LDR! Who knows what she's doing right now!
>Pic reIated
>>16606823
What the fuck. I'm paranoid from reading /adv/ and /r9k/ as it is. How am I supposed to trust at all when I keep seeing shit like this?
All I can do is take her word for it. That's all I can do.
>>16606818
Stop going on r9k, It's a cesspool echo chamber for mentally ill betas. I'm not saying everything that say is false but they treat life like a giant meme.
>>16606661
Don't ask questions you're clearly not prepared to have answered anon
>>16606835
Should I tell my girl that I'm just starting to wonder and want to know a little bit about her past?
Or just.no? Just not bring it up?
>>16606837
Well so far, I haven't.
So I just not ask at all? Keep it in the dark, never bring it up, you're saying? I'm asking.
>>16606839
>just starting to wonder
>>16606765
>This entire post
You don't think she already knows? You're a mess man, you need serious fixing and you're going in circles posting here.
>>16606849
No she absolutely does not already know. Absolutely nothing at all would ever even suggest that I've ever done anything like that. It was one time out of curiosity in a foreign country a long time ago.
Look I just want straight answers here. I keep asking the same questions over and over again. A few people have answered, then I ask "why" or "why not" and all I get is taunting like >>16606823
>>16606839
Well it could go one of a few ways:
1: she had a couple of partners in long term relationships
2: she's had multiple one night stands, threesomes etc
3: she's exclusively had anal sex with Thai ladyboys
If you're hoping for #1, you've got to be prepared for it to be 2 or 3 as well. I'm telling you if you want to ask and are prepared for the asnwer, then by all means ask the question. But if you don't think you can handle her past, keep shtum.
If you've been denying and lying about your past, the relationship is already pretty much over. Either you tell her you've been lying to her and she'll break up with you, or you keep lying and get increasingly bothered by the fact that she wasn't a virgin before you and break up with her.
>>16606818
Look, you aren't going to get better until you accept yourself, in particular the parts of your sexual history you're ashamed of. And until you do that you won't be able to accept her sexual history, you'll just obese over the fact she's taken dicks in the past. You assume she'd leave you if she knew the truth, so you assume her sexual past must be something you need to know in order to not feel shitty. Your wrong, your insecurity is just going to grow if you keep making this about her, when it obvious your problems come from your own past.
>>16606856
She's told me that it's just number 1 and that she's had very, very few at that.
It's not that. It's me imagining her having sex with even 1 other guy that's driving me crazy. I am completely unreasonable, I realize. This is MY problem. I know. I need help. How do I do it?
That's why I was saying >>16606811
please help up here. What can I do?
>>16606861
you need to accept that women have sex. not everyone saves themselves for marriage, and that's okay. the fact that she's in her mid 30s makes it even more understandable that she's had sex before. her vagina isn't forever tainted or contaminated by some other guy's dick unless you keep dwelling on it.
why does the thought of her being fucked by another guy in the past bother you? like specifically what about it bugs you?
>>16606855
She already knows your obsessed with your/her past, and everyone, including us, this isnt the first time its bothered you. She knows you stalked her freinds list for men. That's insecure as fuck. You can't even be honest about how long your insecurity has been effecting this relationship, don't you see how big of an issue that is?
IMO there's a difference between having two past partners, and twelve.
One shows experimenting with sex to find a satisfying partner, the other shows that they love sex and didn't care who it was with.
My gf has had two past partners.
I had five when we started dating.
The events leading up to meeting you determine what happens. Sure, you could have been her first, but maybe she would then be curious and go off and fuck a bunch of guys and you would be just another number to her.
As long as the number isn't too high for you, it's not about being her first, it's about being her best. As long as you're the only one she thinks of, that's what matters.
Unless of course she had a threesome with two guys on the school playground, then she's a slut.
>>16606855
>Look l just want straight answers here.
>l keep asking the same questions over and over again.
Quit bitching Iike this is some service and you aren't getting what you paid for.
You have aII your answers, you just don't want to accept them because you're out of your fucking mind.
Just Iook at this
>>16606868
>>16606866
>>16606859
>>16606858
>>16606849
>>16606825
>>16606823
>>16606818
>>16606811
>>16606808
>>16606791
>>16606787
>>16606765
>>16606758
>>16606727
>>16606709
>>16606706
>>16606692
>>16606675
Either answers, or you asking the same questions and getting those answers, onIy to keep asking the questions.
The probIem in this situation (and it seems aII previous ones) has been and stiII is, you.
RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE
>>16606692
>She really believes "past is not who l am now"
OnIy peopIe who say that are peopIe with fucked up pasts when they're trying to reconstruct their Iives after WlLD pasts
>>16606716
>She says 'very few'
She didn't want to give the number, and "a few" couId be 10-15 compared to some girIs especiaIIy for someone in their 30s. She's obviousIy been pounded from behind by at Ieast a handfuI of guys.
>>16606765
>She doesn't use her face book much at all
Anyone in this case most IikeIy has a second one.
>LDR
This pic is probabIy reaIIy happening then
>>16606823
Just think about this. When she dumps you and moves on, you'II have to go through this aII over again with every girI you meet.
She's probabIy waking up in a few hours from someone eIse's bed to dishonestIy answer your questions.
>>16606858
Why do I need to admit that I've seen a prostitute before? Why can't I just take that to my grave?
>>16606859
I see. So what yiy're saying is that the reason prying into her and being nosy doesn't make me feel any less insecure is because the problem lies with me, yes?
So then I should to understand how t deal with own shady past. You think telling her about it would do that?
>>16606866
I don't know. It might be because it's so hard for me to imagine. I don't know why, it's this deepseated fullbody sensation of anger and jealousy when I imagine it. I know it's completely irrational of me, I don't know why my body reacts like this.
>>16606873
Her number is low. She's responsible, extremely, and always has been. I know I'm out of line here and this problem is about me. I just kind of need time time to accept that it's happened I guess.
>>16606900
She lives in a country that is very conservative and hardly uses Facebook. That's why.
The rest..I trust her too much for that. She's not doing that.
>>16606879
I've admitted the problem is me. I still don't know how to fix me. It just sticks in my head and I can hardly focus on anything when I'm thinking about it.
>>16606930
Because it's not fair that she has to tell you every detail of her sexual history while you don't. Relationships require communication and honesty. Both of you need to talk about this and get into details, and both of you also need to be tested for STDs.
>>16606930
She's not still fucking the guy, she wasn't cheating on you. How would you feel if she was disturbed by your sexual history if you were to tell her? How would you comfort her?
>>16606930
>Why do I need to admit that I've seen a prostitute before
Why does she need to admit her sexual past to you?
>>16606938
I know she's not. I know this cognitively, I just don't understand why it makes me sick to think about.
I would comfort her by telling her how I only love her and how I've never had a relationship as meaningful, long, and special as the one with her.
>>16606940
Does she?
As mentioned above, the problem lies with me, really. I'm the one that needs to deal with it.
>>16606945
If she means what she says about the past, it means her past relationships are so shitty that she'd like to forget about it, so you could argue that her relationship with you is the start of a better life, which makes it the best one she's had. If that's too far of a stretch, it is fair to just ask her--as long as you tell her everything about your past in return.
If she can't handle the fact that you had a one time curiosity thing with a prostitute and have had a lot of experience with sex, she's not the right one for you. Just like if you can't handle her sexual past, you're not right for her.
>>16606945
>long
>one year
Long?
>>16606952
No, longest. I clearly said that in comparison to my past relationships.
>>16606951
Ok, but I'd be hard pressed to find any girl with less of a sexual past then her, so I might just have to settle for that. In fact I'm sure I would have to, so I'm trying tk deal with this.
>>16606959
Is your ideal girl a virgin?
>>16606968
Yes, I think. But I can see all kinds of problems with that too. The problem is me.
>>16606976
It's not necessarily a problem. Everybody has their non-negotiable characteristics they're looking for. You just need to decide if the girl being a virgin is a non-negotiable or if you're willing to look past it if the girl is amazing enough. If it is a non-negotiable, try and look into why that is. It doesn't mean something's wrong with you, but it would be helpful to get more insight
>>16606985
It's that the girl is so perfect for me in every single other way. It feels like "if only she hadn't been with another guy before..", which is kind of irrational because it doesn't really affect us today at all. It just makes me sick to think about it. It's so strange for me to imagine that that happened.
>>16606992
Is it because you have a prejudice against ladies with plenty of sexual experience? I'm not asking that in a "if you say yes you're a piece of shit" way. Many people think that women who've had lots of partners have an unhealthy relationship with sex, commitment issues, or will leave their partner for someone else just for better sex. Do you have some of these thoughts that conflict with the girl you're seeing in front of you?
IMO both of you should talk about your sexual history. If she truly believes that someone's past doesn't define them and she's trying to move on from her own past, this could potentially become a moment that brings the two of you closer once she realizes you feel the same way and you're moving on from your own past.
>>16607003
I thought I didn't. I thought I could be cool and progressive and used to stop her whenever she brought it up by saying "honey I'm not going to ask you about that. I love who you are and I don't think that kind of thing makes a difference, I love you just the way you are." To whoch she responds "ok but just know I've had almost none, probably way less than you! Ok." And I believed that I could get by without ever asking. Now after going on 4chan a lot, almost all my free time online, I am starting to worry and I'm realizing that I've never had any kind of run in with anything related to an ex of hers. I have no clue. It's as if she's never had one, but I know she has to have from what she said.
I was the one who always stopped her from having that conversation the past, because I believed showing my insecurity makes me look bad. That's another reason why.
>>16607003
To be more direct, no, I don't foresee those problems with this girl. We've talked about whether she could have issues like that, just out of the blue, plenty of times and I trust that she is very reaponsible and healthy, without commitment issues.
I skimmed the thread past like the first third, but assuming I haven't missed anything earthshaking, Christ dude, sounds like you know about as much as you need to and you've managed to land a girl with about as ideal a sexual past as you could ask for post-30. Assuming you don't doubt her truthfulness. Like, what do you want, a play-by-play of her most recent blowjob? "Virgin til 30 and never had a one night stand. Few partners (ie you could probably count them on one hand.)" That's all you need to know.
>>16606935
>l've admitted the problem is me.
>>16606949
>l'm the one that needs to deal with it.
Why the fuck are you stiII here?
>>16606945
>Iong, and speciaI reIationship
>1 year
IoI wow /adv/
