what to do...
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You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
You are currently reading a thread in /adv/ - Advice
Hey guys.
Pretty new here except for the occasional read, but i have gotten to a point, where I can't talk to anyone about a certain problem.
So the story goes like this:
Been living together with one of my best friends for years.
One day, he meets a girl.
She often visits him, she and I talk a lot when my flatmate is at work, since I'm unemployed and she's in college.
We get to know each other better.
Turns out, we have a lot in common.
We converse about everything, from everyday stuff to the most abstract concepts of philosophy.
They end up being together, as expected.
She visits more often.
We become closer, often getting together to talk or do stuff without my flatmate.
Over a few months, I realise she's very similar to me in almost every aspect, be it thoughts, opinions, taste, past experiences, you name it.
I fall in love with her.
Thinking what to do about it, i decide to hide my feelings to protect my friendship with both of them.
Works out fine, with the exception of the occasional thought of "What if...".
Some time passes, we often hang out in different constellations (she and I / he and I / the two of them / all three of us).
I find out about even more things we have in common.
I fall in love with her all over again.
I can't stop thinking about her and hate myself for being in love with one of my best friends' girl.
i decide to do the right thing and forget about her again, which kinda works.
We can all hang out and talk normally and have a good time.
They ask me, if I would object to her moving in.
Of course not.
So she's moving in.
Some time passes, she and i still do a lot together, talking for hours on end, even when we're meeting other friends.
After one night we spent doing nothing but talk,
i fall in love again.
I try and forget about her again.
Rinse and repeat.
I have had some problems with depressions for years, but this is getting me on a whole new level of despair.
We're literally perfect for each other in every fucking way.
Comment getting too long, ask for further details if you want. I haven't properly slept for like 4 days and my post might be somewhat confusing, because of it. Please, tell me what you think. Any perspective on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
>>16567831
So you're saying, I should just tell her?
I wish it would be that easy, but there's a lot at stake here for me.
I might lose two of my most important friends.
Especially losing her from my life, i think that would set me on a very destructive path...
>>16567870
I'd get out and meet new people. Trust your gut on this one. You're getting too fixated on a woman that you're not romantically involved with.
I promise that one you find a girlfriend of your own, you're feelings for this one will fade.
It's not worth losing two friends for. You said it yourself.
>>16567870
No, I'm saying, this was a subplot of the movie Love Actually. If you haven't seen it, please watch it.
>>16567877
I do meet new people now and then. (not unemployed any more)
I even started dating another girl, but i blew it off, before anything happened (other than a kiss).
In the last 2 years, there hasn't been any girl besides her i found myself remotely interested in.
Sure, i like to look at beautiful girls like any other guy.
But there has never been romantic interest for anyone else, since i first fell for her.
She's the most beautiful being in the whole universe, a 10/10 inside and out.
I have never before felt any feeling of this magnitude.
And i think she (at least for a while), was/is attracted to me too, in more than one way.
One time, after a really deep conversation about existence in general, she asked me if i believed in soul mates. (and i doubt she meant him, as they realy don't have that much in common).
I really appreciate your opinion, though.
That was one of my first thoughts as well and I tried to do what you said, among a lot of different approaches.
No matter how many times I decide to forget her, so for that has just made me fall in love worse.
I wouldn't be posting this here, if i didn't have the feeling i tried everything.
I don't know, this is all so tiring...
>>16567913
i just watched the scene you posted.
i cried.
i haven't seen it and will watch it as son as possible.
thank you for your recommendation!
>>16567822
pic related op, it really sums up whats been going on between you and that girl. you need to stop dreaming and building up this idea of "shes perfect" like you never see her when she's acting like a bitch or moody or how she handles conflict. like there are a million different things that must click in a relationship for it to work/last and encompasses more then "we like the same things".
the only reason this is driving you nuts is due to you thinking"she be perfect for me". when in fact you've no idea how compatible you two could be as partners since you've not currently in a relationship with her.
and don't say "we're great as friends" for that shit is a world of difference then being someones significant other. stop torturing yourself and making eyes at this girl. you're obviously lonely(else you wouldn't be longing after this girl for as long as you have been) so you need to go forth and find yourself a girl that isn't currently attached to another.
doing this will help you move off this holding pattern and get over this shallow infatuation you have for your bros girl.
>>16567925
You have oneitis for this woman so hard. That's why i suggested dating other women. So what if the first girl didn't work out? Try with another. And another. Eventually you'll find someone who makes you happy.
There's other amazing women out there that will hit all the same buttons she does, and they won't be dating your buddy.
>>16567958
i get where you're coming from, but it's not at all like the text you posted.
i have always been very empathetic and she told me on more than one occasion, that i really helped her with understanding certain things she had troubles with in her social life. also, i know "everything" about her, as she does about me.
it does go both ways with us.
and it's not just that we like the same things.
we (very) often say the same thing simultaneously, we come to the same conclusions when we seperately think about something, we react the same to almost every given situation.
i mean, of course there's exception, but on those rather rare occasions, we mostly end up discussing those until we both understand, why the other one thinks a certain way.
i can't stress enough, how much alike we are.
it's like something directly from a movie.
the only aspects that make us different, complement each other perfectly.
for instance, she worries a lot what others think, while i'm impervious to that, always telling her that all that matters is what she herself thinks.
on the other hand i have problems seeing the good side of things, while she's a master at thinking positive, always giving me perspective with lovely metaphors and trying to motivate me to see the good that's present in even the most depressing things.
trust me, i know how we'd be as a couple, because nothing would change, except the physical component. i know her and myself well enough to say that with certainty.
all this is so bizarre.
i really appreciate your opinion and i'm not saying you're wrong, just that you might have misjudged the situation a little.
i'm pretty intelligent and have always questioned everything, so i have extensively thought about and (so far only once) tried what you said about finding another girl.
>>16567987
it's not that simple. i thought the same thing at one point, but it's like we were destined to be together, my previous post might offer more insight in our relation:
>>16568070
>>16567958
>>16567987
anyway, i am so grateful to both of you right now.
it feels so good to be at least able to talk about it and get some perspective on the matter..
thank you, kind strangers :')
>>16567822
>We're literally perfect for each other in every fucking way
Does she thinks in the same way about you?
By what you said it looks like she and your friend have a pretty healthy relationship, + she doesn't flirt with you, right? taking by your depression + infatuation i think you're projecting things that actually doesn't exist.
Try to find another girl, it you be less painful than trying to be MrStealYourGirl
>>16568077
Best of luck to you man. I read your post, and i get it. I really do.
Just ask yourself, is the chance that she's interested and willing to be with you worth the chance of losing both of these friends? And if she is interested and willing, is it worth betraying the guy friend?
I know it's not what you want to hear, but i feel like if you really think about it, you'll find that the answer is "no" to both questions.
Again, best of luck to you.
>>16568159
i haven't asked her that exact question.
but pretty early on in their relationship she asked me if i believe in soul mates, right after like 3 hours of talking about very private and deep thoughts like "destiny" and existence in general.
on another occasion within the following half year, she made a painfully accurate (from my point of view) statement about our similarities to two mytholigical figures, that were "made for each other" (no, not adam and eve or anything).
their relationship might be somewhat healthy, but they do literally nothing together, except for watching tv and cooking. (which i'm not judging or anything. i just know, that she's not exactly strong-willed and would rather just do what someone else wants, than trying to argue over it)
believe me, i thought about that as well (projecting things).
it was actually one of my first conclusions after noticing more and more similarities.
so, long story short, i know she cares about me and likes me a lot as well. (to what possible extent, i can not say).
and i know she noticed a lot of our similarities by herself.
i'm having a hard time talking to her about those, because i'm afraid of just falling to pieces in front of her.
i also know how pathetic all of this makes me.
>>16568200
I know, you're right.
Logically thinking, I'd have to say no to both of those questions.
but logic sadly isn't how love works, i think.
i've come to the same conclusion as you multiple times, only to fall for her all over again, harder.
to complicate things further, i know that she has never ended a relationship by herself, even if the guy she was with was bad for her and she knew it.
that's just not the type of girl she is.
and, HYPOTHETICALLY, even if she'd be madly in love with me herself, she wouldn't act on it, because she'd risk losing him and me, on top of ending a relationship, which she sucks in.
(that's not what i actually think of course, but given what i know, it's one of many possibilities and yes, i am heavily overthinking this whole thing).
thanks for the luck and the will to help!
it really helps to see some outsider perspective.
>>16568159
>>16568200
btw i don't want to belittle anything you guys said, just because i keep saying i came to those conclusions as well, but i have been thinking this over for a long time, carefully trying to not miss any possibilites and the things you said really were quite literally the same things i thought somewhere down the road.
i'm still very grateful for your opinions and can agree to all of them.
all i can say is, it's not that simple.
i can not just move on, i need some sort of closure.
i tried and failed multiple times to forget about her, enough to know, that won't work for me.
i've been in enough relationships to know that, what we could give each other is more than most people get to experience in their relationships.
and it's not like i just want to connect with her on a physical level as well, my main fear is really losing her from my life, when they decide to move out or actually get a baby or something.
that would not sit well with me at all. (god, i'm such a faggot)
maybe i'm really just going down the gutter, who knows.
>>16568265
Just my personal life philosophy here, so be warned: for me,
Logic trumps all. I am not slave to my emotions, they are my tools. Like an "early detection device" for things i might like our dislike. But when it comes to decisions, i make them. Not my emotions. And i make them logically. I weigh the options, and pick the one that best suits all parties involved. Even if it's not what i "want" at the time.
I think you might benefit from looking up stoicism. You're letting your emotions wreak havoc on your quality of life, and not thinking clearly. You have a lot more control over this situation than you think you do.
You control your emotions, not the other way around. To blame potentially betraying a friend on "your feelings"is a way to try to shift blame from yourself. It's trying to absolve yourself of blame while saying that the immovable beast that is your emotions is to blame. That is not the case. You control your actions. Not your emotions.
Sorry if i came off harsh. Let me know if i can explain anything further.
Best of luck to you.
>>16568415
I was unclear. By
>you control your actions
>not your emotions.
I meant that you control your actions, your emotions do not. The only power they hold is the power you give them.
>>16567822
>Some time passes, we often hang out in different constellations
AYY LMAO
>>16567925
To >>>/trash/ you go. Seriously, don't fucking ask for help if you're just going to instantly reject anything that's not the answer you want to hear, it's not a difficult concept. This board is not called /AgreeWithMe/ and it sure as hell isn't about backrubs and sympathy. Get it through your thick fucking skull that you're convincing yourself that there's no one else like her out there and fucking stupid that is.
Don't ask for help if you don't want to be helped.
>>16568415
First of all, thanks.
You didn't come off harsh or anything and you made yourself perfectly clear.
I am also a man of logic, which is why this whole mess seems so unsolvable to me.
I know about stoicism.
I haven't read any of the main Stoics so far, i think, at least not consciously, but i've enough greek philosophy to get the jist.
I have tried forgetting about her multiple times (at least in that way. i can never fully remove her from my life, she's just become too important to me.)
I have to admit, though, that i've never seen it the way you just described it.
The closest I was to that, was the conclusion, that i had to sort of "sacrifice" my feelings for their sake.
I'm not blaming anything on my feelings, though.
If anything were to happen, i would take full responsibility, because, as you said, i control my actions and anything happening would require me to act on my feelings in one way or another for almost every currently possible scenario.
What I disagree on, is when you said
>you control your emotions
I used to think that, too.
But the things I've felt the past few years, all the ups and (primarily) downs, those were emotions of a magnitude unknown to me up to that point in my life. (I'm close to 30)
I tried to control these feelings, but i couldn't find a proper vent for them and i have enough hobbies that allow me to vent.
Everytime i thought i'm over her, it hit me again, harder.
I guess that in the end, i'll either make it that way, controlling my feelings, continuing to love her in my own kind of way (platonically, of course), or i'll go utterly insane and end up a (even more) depressed piece of shit.
>>16568435
sorry, if i offended you somehow.
i thought, i was engaging in a friendly discussion with people that wanted to help.
should i just have said "k" to everything, not saying i tried this or that?
i was being very clear, that i'm grateful for any perspective whatsoever and thanked everyone for their opinion on the matter.
i didn't come here for sympathy, i have friends and family for that.
I came here to logically converse a problem i am having and in a conversation, people have opinions, which i believe i expressed without being disrespectful.
like i said, i'm still grateful, but simply saying "move on" doesn't help me in my particular situation.
Can you really not accept, that something like this might be a major issue for someone, while someone else might have an easier time forgetting about it?
i didn't reject anything, at least i didn't mean to.
I consider all comments here (except the "ayy lmao" but i chuckled at that; even yours to an extent) to be constructive and helpful in my situation, even if i might not (want to) do the suggested thing.
What's wrong with me having a counter-argument against something?
Am i to not question any advice i get on here, even in a friendly matter?
>>16568482
>Am i to not question any advice i get on here, even in a friendly matter?
i meant manner. :P
>>16568470
I feel you. I result do. Honestly, i was depressed from age 8 (approx) to 25. I'm 26 now. I've wanted to kill myself, I've come very close. Self harm, etc. Been in a psych ward involuntarily. I got Lots of tattoos of occult symbols, hoping one of them would "work". Probably 16 total depending on how you want to count them. 16 regrets i see every day. 16 reasons to never let myself lose control again.
I didn't get better until one day it snapped. I realized that emotions were like fire. The ones you feed burn brighter, the ones you neglect snuff out. These feelings for her, if you want them to, you can snuff them out.
I still get sad sometimes. But i do not feed it. Instead, i feed my happiness,through painting, school, and making music.
My girlfriend of three and a half years broke up with me 2 weeks ago. We've lived together for 2 years. She's moving out this week. This would have sent the old me into a downward spiral.
Am i sad? No. Do i have sad thoughts sometimes? Absolutely. But i do not dwell on them. I focus on things that i want to burn brighter. I focused on doing very well on my final exams, i started eating better, and I'm starting to make music again. The events with my girlfriend are unfortunate. But they do not make me sad.
Nothing can make me sad. Except me. And i don't want to be sad. So i choose to be productive.
You're not giving yourself enough credit, man. Control yourself. Sorry if that was too personal. Just wanted to show you other people feel this as well.
Is this a real quote from Haruhi?
>>16568486
This is me:
>>16568488
Please, do question. Never stop questioning. Don't feed the trolls. I like a challenge.
>>16568491
yes, slightly rephrased, i think.
>>16568492
man, i can't thank you enough right now.
somehow, what you're saying perfectly hits the spot.
I can see we're very similar in many aspects, maybe that's why your train of thought resonates so well with me. (we're almost the exact same age as well)
I mean, don't get me wrong, i said i thought it through countless times and i did.
I even had similar thoughts to yours once or twice, but i guess, somewhere along the way i started caring less and less about my other feelings, or felt like there was no room for them.
i'm sorry for your breakup man.
You'd have to try way harder for me to say something's too personal. :)
again, i can't thank you enough for all you said so far.
if it's not too personal or creepy for you, i'd like if we somehow could stay in contact outside of 4chan, if only to talk about music. :)
i'd totally understand if you wouldn't want that, though, but i like the way you think.
>>16568515
I'd like that very much. I made a throw away email (for security purposes,I'm sure you understand).
Anon_213 at yahoo.com
Send me something, and I'll be in touch. This actually works out well, because i was about to head to bed, and i'd like to continue talking.
Thank you for your words concerning my relationship woes by the way, i appreciate the sentiment. It'll be fine though. Because I'll make it fine. Take care.
>>16567925
You are being a predator. You essentially are disregarding the feelings of everyone around you for your own benefit.
Stop being so selfish. Dont dwell in abstractions and what if's and go and make your own life with someone else.
Has she ever confirmed your feelings for you? If so you guys deserve eachother, but dont deserve your friend.
>>16568533
ofc i understand.
I'll drop you a line, bro.
thanks again for everything.
>>16568482
You have an awful case of oneitis and you're borderline delusional. You're so hear over heels for this girl that you wouldn't know the solution if it stomped on your nuts and pegged you.
Pro tips:
1. She might be interesting but she's not special
2. Not every girl that gives you the light of day is in to you, get over yourself
3. Women can tell when you're putting them on a pedestal and she can smell your boypussy from a mile away
Now grow up and find a different girl you pissbaby.
>>16568570
4chan where everybody is a pep talker abd psycologist lmao
>>16568570
4chan where everybody is a pep talker abd psycologist lmao so funny
>>16568570
i doubt you read the whole thread.
don't just throw clichés at my face, please.
your assessments are pretty definitive for knowing little to nothing about the situation and the people involved.
your "pro tips" are either obvious or plainly not true.
that being said, thank you for your opinion on the matter.
>>16568600
Gee, I wonder why people on an advice board give pep talks and act like psychologists. We're you dropped as a child or were you born with brain damage?
1/2
I'm actually in "kind of" a similar situation here, so i'll start by telling you my story and then tell you how i would approach yours.
So i've always been described as a fairly charming person, and as a result i've never had too much trouble with the opposite sex nor acquiring friends.
My upbringning however was a bit unusual, which has resulted in me being a little particular in ways that i rarely see in others.
I'm a bit like you in the way in that I subscribe to a kind of Socratian thinking, where i bombard any idea or conclusion with potential flaws.
(and now comes the idiotic part)
So about a few weeks ago i find this person, who'se a fucking celebrity apparently, and i begin feeling strangely drawn to this person. I look the person up and my oh my, we match on every single level, and as you yourself so eloquently put it from your experience, the only aspects we have that make us different complement each other perfectly.
And don't get me wrong, I’ve never liked any form of idolatry and always believed it to be a detriment to people. I don't go around falling in love with every other person, and I’ve never even considered a celebrity as love interest before. Sure, there have been crushes here and there, momentary infatuations, but that was pretty much when i was younger, and absolutely nothing like this.
The person is already in a relationship however, which seems rather comfortable, but not of the kind i think we could have, given the opportunity.
I know the person will be in town in a few months, so I’m writing a letter asking the person out for coffee, which will probably be seen by some agent and get thrown out shortly thereafter. And so is life. And I’ll live on living a life without the knowledge of what could have been..
But why not? Why the fuck not? Yolo man. As stupid and corrupted as the saying became, it is very true. I will rather try at something and fail, than die someday filled with doubt over my decision or lack thereof.
2/2
My advice to you would be to take her aside some day and explain your thoughts, as you’ve explained them in this thread, and if she feels the same way, she has to man up and cut it of with your friend, because if it really is as you’ve described, to let them stay together wouldn’t rationally be fair to any of three of you.
You have to be as good of a friend as possible though, and you can’t do anything with her even remotely romantically for a long time, if you want to keep your friendship, if not your honor.
If she doesn’t reciprocate, you have to do your best to get over that shit. Maybe go far away for a time, there are always plenty of opportunities to travel, even if you don’t have a load of cash.
I wish you the best of luck in whatever choice you make.
Take care friend.
>>16568796
i can't answer right now, but i'll get back to you in like half an hour.
>>16568796
sorry, couldn't come back earlier.
It's not idiotic, it's human.
I totally get what you're saying about idolatry and not falling in love easily.
that's one of the things, that, at least in my case, makes this whole ordeal so much more bizarre.
like in your case. you seem like a rather reasonable guy and yet you simply can not forget this person, knowing that it would probably be the logical thing to do.
our stories really are somewhat similar in that aspect.
but it seems to me your girl is significantly harder to reach out to.
you didn't clarify if you have actually met her or communicated with her, but it seems like you're in an even more complicated situation than i am.
I say, do it, write her the letter casually inviting her for coffee.
from what i hear, it doesn't seem like she's in your closer social circle, so the repercussions shouldn't be too severe for anyone involved, i think.
like i said, i'm not sure about some details like if she knows you or not.
let me know, if i misunderstood anything, or if you want to add anything.
>I will rather try at something and fail, than die someday filled with doubt over my decision or lack thereof.
you got to me with that one.
i thought about telling her. a lot.
i almost have a little speech in my head.
i would try and be very "objective" about it and just tell her what i feel without expecting her to act on it.
tell her, i tried to forget about being with her multiple times, but can't.
just tell her, that nothing has ever made me feel the things she makes me feel. (i mean the good ones; i don't think my situation is necessarily anyone's fault, but my own for failing to gather the strength and willpower to live without her.)
i'd like that, but might be i can't.
that thought alone eats me up.
anyway, i wish you the best of luck with yours as well.
Thank you for your perspective, kind stranger.
