Hey /adv/ I've seen this topic brought up before on here but never from this side. I just learned that, before we were together, my current boyfriend (been together for about 6 months) went through a period of what he calls depression, and ended up sleeping with/hooking up with a lot of different girls in a fairly short period of time. He said it was 12 girls over the course of a few months. I don't know what to do because I like him a lot, but this really bothers me. It makes me feel like the sexual side of our relationship isn't as special, and that he might cheat on me if he ever gets depressed while we're together. What do you think??
>>16561820
Is the sex special to you, or do you do it out of some sort sense that you have to because you're in a relationship?
>>16561838
Well I want the sex to be special, and especially because I'm in a relationship, but the thought of him just giving it away to so many people in such a short time really worries me
The only way your relationship's sexual side wouldn't be special is if he's still depressed and still hooking up with different girls. The fact that neither of those things is true already creates a stark difference.
I've had several sexual partners in my past, yet I don't compare any particular girlfriend to any of my exes. Ultimately that's because sex with a girlfriend is based on my feelings for that girlfriend, not my concerns for myself.
So if your boyfriend bangs you only for his own gratification, yeah, it's not special. If he bangs you because of how he feels about you specifically, his past is separate from that. This has to do with the person. The past doesn't inform a person; it's only a consequence. You need to figure out for yourself whether his past is a consequence of depression or a consequence of not giving a shit about women.
I wouldn't date someone like that.
>>16561854
>I don't compare any particular girlfriend to any of my exes
Well that's all well and good, but I have a hard time feeling special to someone when they so freely gave their body to so many other people, and out of emotional distress. Sex is the most physically intimate you can be with someone, it doesn't feel special to be 13th in line - especially when the other people weren't even long term relationships, they were casual things.
>The past doesn't inform a person
That is complete and utter bullshit
>>16561891
>That is complete and utter bullshit
So what you're admitting to is "There are times I've decided to act a certain way because I did something in the past, and that must be who I am today."
Are you sticking with that? Your past informs your thoughts and feelings today?
>>16561912
What I'm saying is that you're totally wrong for saying that a person's actions in the past have no bearing on what kind of person they currently are. We're also talking about 20-somethings here, people that did these things recently. Not 50 year olds that just met and have cast off their hedonistic ways for 25 years.
>>16561891
>it doesn't feel special to be 13th in line
It's not special, you're not special, the first one wasn't special either. Get over it and enjoy the moment.
If anything you are more special because he got over the depression with you right? So now you'll be the first person he has sex with while not depressed. Trust me from personal experience, sex is much better and very different when you are not depressed versus depressed. Don't worry about someone's past, just live in their present. If he cheats, leave him, if not, well then there you go.
>>16561922
I didn't say it had no bearing. I said the past doesn't inform a person. You're putting words in my mouth.
Also when you call that bullshit, you ARE saying that you've made decisions in the present based on principles you had in the past. You're misrepresenting something you just typed and is still visible a few posts up.
As for the thing about feeling special, there's a difference between "I'm special to him" and "I feel special." The former is the issue I'm talking about. You're openly talking about the latter ("I have a hard time feeling special"). That's insecurity. If Jesus Christ himself descended from Heaven with a certificate reading
>I have divinely read your boyfriend's mind and you are special to him.
you could still feel insecure. That's a problem with your feelings about being #13, not a problem with his feelings about you.
What did you think, that strangers on the internet could change your infatuation with being one-and-only? Putting aside everything else, isn't the answer obvious? If you so deeply value being unique then break up with him and date a virgin you fucking retard. Did you really need other people to point out the obvious?
>Hey 4chan I feel a desperate need to be the first driver of a car but I bought a used one with 250K miles. WHAT DO I DO?!
Relax bitch. Stop projecting your insecurities onto your relationship. You're being a dick and need to let go of what he's done in the past. You can't just get together with someone and expect them to have a clean slate.
He's moved on from that and you should too
>>16561931
Oh great thanks. Amazing to see this topic posted by a male and see everyone tell him to "dump that dumb slut" and when I post it, I'm "not special" and I should "get over it". What a joke.
>>16561947
Go pull a thread with this topic posted by a male from the archive. Prove it. Because I'm in those threads too saying the exact same shit. Every single one of those gotcha threads is a joke because we're the same people saying the same shit in every thread. We're not going to believe lies about what we wrote ourselves.
>>16561947
Not that anon, I'm >>16561884 and I have the same option in every thread, regardless of gender.
He sounds emotionally unstable and you sound weak and insecure. And I don't think your relationship is going places but w/e. My advice is, if you want to keep this relationship going you need to work on your insecurity. You can't do anything about him. He isn't really at fault for anything, he did those things when you were not in a relationship so it doesn't concern you and yea, the past of a person defines them BUT everybody makes mistakes and if he learned something from them then that is not necessarily a bad thing.
Everything you can do now is accept his past and if you cannot then break up. You have all the reasons to break up with him if you think that his behavior will make him more likely to cheat or that it makes him a weak wiled person. But your entire "HE DOESN'T MAEK ME FEEL SPESHUL" is cringe worthy. Stop it.
>>16561943
>cars are people
I don't want to be the first. I'm saying that I don't really think treating sex so casually is a good thing, or a good indicator of a person's pairbonding abilities. I also just wanted to see this double standard play out, which it has.
OP, I'm not gonna lie, if someone is depressed doesn't hook up with every girl, they stay at home, do drugs or drink alcohol, what he told you is bs
>>16561981
What do you mean?? He said he had been going through a rough patch and I guess was sort of rebounding from a long relationship
>>16561985
He was just living his life, not depressed
How do you feel when you are around him?
Does he make you happy?
Do you see this relationship going somewhere, if thats what you have in mind?
I have a bad tendency to pick at scabs. They are ugly, they are gross, and they ruin my appearance for the day if I ever get them on my legs (I'm still terrible at shaving my legs). But eventually, it heals and just falls off so I don't have to worry about it.
In this instance, your bf's past history is a scab. On HIMSELF. You don't have to deal with any of the emotions or consequences (unless he has diseases, but I doubt this) of his previous actions since you did not cause them and you were not a part of his life.
If you already feel this way, maybe you just don't really like him and you are settling. Let him go, instead of giving him another "scab" because you were too concerned with your own feelings about his past than what he has to deal with.
Just because men do not emote or share the way women or more sensitive types do, does not mean they don't carry these things or feel regret. They just handle themselves because they know its expected of them.
>>16561981
As a human being, you NEVER get to categorize behavior or how to react to stressful situations as right or wrong. That's immature and sorry if it's happened to you, but there's many ways people respond to depression, including trying to distract themselves with sex. This song was popular because of similar behavior:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oh2LWWORoiM
>>16561820
>he might cheat on me if he ever gets depressed while we're together
He very well might. I'll tell you the same thing I would tell a guy in this situation. They are young and unstable and since you only have 6 months invested get out.
>>16562038
"he might cheat on me if he ever gets depressed" how's that not categorizing a behavior? please...
>>16562054
This
>>16561820
Hey, I have experience with this from the other side of the situation. I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder which is characterized by prolonged depressive phases. The last few depressions I went through were accompanied by a lot of promiscuity and self destructive sprees of acting out... just trying to feel anything. I've cheated on most of my girlfriends even though I loved them and done a lot of things in poor taste and to be frank; I will likely do it again.
The one thing I can say is that it is a symptom of a disease. If you want to prevent it you have to help him battle the depression, not the acting out. It is not something rational or something that has to do with your relationship. Make sure he get professional help as well if he goes bad again.
Medicine helps.
Therapy helps.
Counselling helps.
It's normal for men to cheat.
Everything's fine so long as he comes home to roost.
