My kids aren't as close as yours, but I have a 2.5 year old and a 3 month baby.
We haven't had sex since the baby was born. She tells me she has no sexual desire at all and flinches away from me when I try and kiss her because she doesn't want to lead me on. The few times we do kiss I get so turned on I start touching her more and she pulls away.
I feel like right now she thinks any touch from me is me wanting sex from her. So I'm going to try and touch her more with non expectation. Start off small like a quick kiss on the cheek or make sure we sit together on the sofa and just cuddle. Hopefully this will work.

>>16550432
do you do anything she wants? does she ask to do anything?

maybe take her out some place away from the kids where she doesn't need to worry or stress. might bring back some passion?

>>16550461
it wasnt as bad for me, but 3 months is still relatively short. i can relate to the "no expectations" thing though. i massage my wife a lot and have been regularly blamed for "trying stuff" after a massage "like it was owed to me". i get that men get horny a lot and how it could be exhausting for a woman still recovering from pregnancy, but the feeling of rejection starts stinging pretty hard whether you acknowledge it or not after a while. ive tried "not trying" for a while, to no avail on my end so far sadly ... better luck to you ~

>>16550464
she used to ask me to help around the house and with baby #1 a lot, but ive adjusted pretty well since then. we're pretty good on everything else to be honest. and massages, which i give a lot. i often feel like the sex we have is kind of a "give back" move from her actually. which is nice btw, but gets kinda sad after a while ...

its been really hard to take time just to ourselves outside the house indeed. i should try harder to make it happen.

She's potentially losing attraction to you. Think how you acted before you had the children, did you act any differently? Do you do what she says more now, stay at home more, not have your own life at all etc?

Roissy talks about this type of stuff a lot. I'll try and find an article for you.

This is a good article:

https://heartiste.wordpress.com/2014/07/21/the-married-man-thirstzone/

It talks about a married man who got so frustrated with his wife not having sex with him that he kept a spreadsheet of all the failed attempts and confronted her with it. It then talks about how to stop it getting to that stage or what to do if it has already reached that stage.

>>16550497
this is what this new little voice inside me is whispering, yes ...

>Do you do what she says more now, stay at home more, not have your own life etc ?

all of the above ...

my job always allowed me to work from home a lot, but ive been doing it more to be able to help since baby#2

>>16550432
This is why healthy parents go on trips now and then. The scale doesn't matter, but getting away from the house and your guys' life will really have an impact on your sex life/relationship in general.

>>16550517

This is why children can be a burden on a relationship. It's not because of the time or resources that they take, it's because the roles of the mother and father turn into just that, a mother and father. You're probably a fantastic Dad, but seeing you changing a baby's diaper isn't a turn on for her.

Working from home all the time likely doesn't help either. It sounds like you've become a house husband, and regardless of our "progressive society", a man in what is a woman's role isn't a turn on for a wife either.

Does she work too?

Omg. Wtf have I done. I've agreed to have a child. We haven't started yet.. We've been together for 10 years and have had periods of no sex before. I'm very beta and she tries the mental shit on me.

"I don't want to because I have to do all the shit".

I eventually got fed up with the excuses so I did every fucking thing. She literary didn't have to do shit. I cleaned the house, paid the bills, did the dishes, everything. With no other excuses I she eventually told the truth that she just didn't have the sexdrive she used to.

So it gets even worse, huh?

My trick is to start rejecting her. Not to get back, though sometimes it feels nice. But because it's easier to go one month without sex when you know you won't have it, than go one month without living in the hopes.

>>16550533
>I eventually got fed up with the excuses so I did every fucking thing. She literary didn't have to do shit. I cleaned the house, paid the bills, did the dishes, everything. With no other excuses I she eventually told the truth that she just didn't have the sexdrive she used to.

That's the worst thing you could have done. Doing absolutely nothing for her would have worked infinitely better. Doing everything for her will make her see you as a subservient little bitch, and that does not create attraction.

>>16550537
I know. Like I said. I'm a beta. I should'nt be with her because we got into the relationship because my betaness, but I've grown to love her. Anyway see now it was fucked up, but at the time it seemed logical, in a beta sort of way.

I have two kids. Sex stayed steady after the first (but she was an easy baby), but it's dipped a little after the 2nd because she's sleeping in our bed (Which was stupid, stupid, stupid don't ever do this if you can help it. It's a living hell), hopefully before the end of the holiday we'll have her in her own bed and fully recover the sexy-times.
ANYWAY, OP. The fact that your woman is willing to help you out even if she's not in the mood is huge, and a really good sign. Right now she has no sex drive, so it's either a hormonal problem she has to see a doctor for, or she just is too much in mommy-mode, maybe wishes she could lose weight, and not feeling sexy. Do what you can to make her feel desired. Will one of your mothers take the kids, maybe even just the older one for 48 hours or so? When My mom takes my older daughter and we only have the baby it's a lot easier to go out to a nice dinner, put the baby in her sister's bed and get down in our own bed. Does she want time to work out or join a book club or some shit?

I know other Anons were saying that helping around the house doesn't make women wet, but that hasn't been my experience.

>>16550511
i enjoyed the article, but man do i hate this internet age beta/alpha/returnofkings ... vision of life. dont get me wrong it all makes a lot of sense on paper at least, but its just a mindset i cant bring myself to have. whenever i read this kind of paper, i feel like the ultimate goal as a man is to become this feeling-less, constantly analyzing and planning ahead schemer. i get that some guys are like that "naturally", but that's not what i am ... im a simple guy. i love my wife, i love my kids, i love my simple life. happiness doesn't mean playing mind games with the woman i love. if that's what life really what these papers say it is, i just don't see the point in getting married at all. but i guess that's ultimately the point of them, today ...

>>16550531
>Does she work too?
nope. haven't since baby#1. she's been wanting to go back to work lately actually, but doesn't have a proper education and is kinda too old now for the serving / sale jobs she used to do.

>>16550642
>maybe wishes she could lose weight, and not feeling sexy.
she mentions that a lot actually.

thanks for the more positive advice there. i keep going back and forth about it. i guess there's not much i can do anyway. maybe stop being extreme one way or another actually. it's been a while now though and i hate the insecure feelings it's been breeding in me.

I don't want to scare you, but the lack of sex drive means a dipping relationship. Try to really be the man she wants, and the man you were.

If possible at all, try to start working out. Even the attempt alone so long as it's genuine is a real turn on for girls. Other than that, try to break the routine you guys have, repitition can really tank a relationship.

A special dinner, out of the ordinary trip, or something like that helps more than you know.

>>16550540

That's understandable. It's easier for me to say these things when I'm completely outside of the situation.

Start treating her differently. She'll test you when you do that, so you can't go back to your old behaviour when that happens.

Next time she tells you to clean the dishes or whatever, say no, you're not in the mood to do it. She'll get pissy and likely give you the silent treatment or some other form of punishment, but DO NOT BREAK FIRST, and DO NOT under any circumstances apologise. If you do, she's won and it's back to how it was. If you win (which I know sounds childish but let's face it, that's how she has to be treated) then you can start getting things back to how you want them.

>>16551788
>If possible at all, try to start working out. Even the attempt alone so long as it's genuine is a real turn on for girls.

im in my mid 30s and didnt gain a gram since i was like 22. im lucky to be naturally muscular + i work a lot around the house and garden (masonry, lumber ...) which keeps me fit without having to work out. i basically didnt change physically since we first dating dating except for a few wrinkles so i don't think that's that.

>Other than that, try to break the routine you guys have, repitition can really tank a relationship.

this, more. we have had an extremely monotone daily life since baby#1. i can sense she's feeling stuck sometimes (i don't) but i honestly don't see how to make it better right now ... not at least baby#2 gets a little more independent anyway. her getting an out of the house job could help, but i can also see making it worse (more tired, even less time for each others etc...)

>>16551835
The working out thing isn't about being muscular or in shape. It's the attempt, it shows character and determination. It's a turn on.

Also, I don't have kids so I don't know what to recommend to break the routine thing, but hopefully we've at least identified a problem. Now you'll have some focus on what to fix/improve. Find something that fits your life and feels right, that part is up to you man.

>>16551840
>The working out thing isn't about being muscular or in shape. It's the attempt, it shows character and determination. It's a turn on.

good point.

>Also, I don't have kids so I don't know what to recommend to break the routine thing, but hopefully we've at least identified a problem. Now you'll have some focus on what to fix/improve. Find something that fits your life and feels right, that part is up to you man.

so breaking the routine eh ? it's simple enough that it could just be that. i reckon i can very easily be set in my ways and usually don't need much more than the ordinary everyday life. not really a "doing stuff", as in actively try to do stuff out of the ordinary, kinda guy.

>>16551655

Yeah, I can understand that. I think if there's anything to take away from the article, it's about how mundanity completely kills it for a woman. They're emotional creatures.

When you mix up the routine, don't frame it as "our life has become boring, I think we need to start doing more", speaking from my own experience I hate it when people lay out that kind of problem/solution type shit, because it's quite patronising. Instead, just do it. Book the kids in with a babysitter and tell her to dress up because you're going out tonight.

Also, try and work away from home more. I'm a single man with several options at the moment, and when I was younger I made the mistake of wanting to spend all the time possible that I could with one girl. This leads to them thinking it's pretty fucking weird that all you want to do is spend time with them and it always killed the relationship. Granted, you're married, so it's different in that you live together, but you should still have time to yourself. I think the working from home and her not working aspect are the biggest problems, I'm guessing you legitimately spend every waking moment together, it's just too much.

>>16552165
i feel you're pretty spot on on everything, and very eloquently at that. thanks a lot for taking the time.

there are several leads in there that i'll keep in mind in the upcoming months. the good thing is i can see how they could be beneficial to me as well, and i don't just mean in the sack.

this has been enlightening. thanks again.

>>16551777
>>maybe wishes she could lose weight, and not feeling sexy.
>she mentions that a lot actually.
This was a big thing for me, and I was lucky enough to heal up really well and mostly avoid stretchmarks and everything. You can end up looking so different and feel ugly and not like yourself at all.

Caring for a baby takes a physical and emotional toll on you. It sounds like you're helping quite a bit with the physical aspects but for the rest it's more difficult. For starters hormones make you feel crazy and completely unlike yourself, like everything is spiraling out of control. That's going to fuck with your sex drive in so many ways. For myself, for the first three months I hadn't lost a single pound but I was literally always hungry because I was breastfeeding. Then you go online to mommyforums where everyone is bragging about how they're already down to their pre-pregnancy weight and it gets really grating. You keep looking in the mirror and tell yourself "I should be doing this. And that. And I'm not. I'm such a failure" even though a lack of time or energy from caring for a tiny human is a totally acceptable reason why you haven't worked out yet.

And I wouldn't rule out PPD either. It can be mild or serious, and hit you as early as the next day or when the baby is nearly a year, so you never know.

I don't know how receptive your wife is to talking things out, because I think some people are more than others but sitting down and sharing your concerns with her might help you get to the root of the problem. And if you say you're attracted to her as much as ever? Tell her that if you don't already.

I'm also going to second the change in routine. Honestly, even if one day you pack up a bunch of sandwiches and tell her "picnic yoooooo" and you take the kids out with you, it's already doing something different. Even if it was to get groceries or walk around for 20 minutes,just the act of getting out from the house made me feel a little bit better.

>>16552254

No problem, I hope it all works out.

>>16552283
thanks that was really helpful. i see so many patterns of how my wife tried to express herself a few times here and there in your answer.

>I don't know how receptive your wife is to talking things out, because I think some people are more than others but sitting down and sharing your concerns with her might help you get to the root of the problem. And if you say you're attracted to her as much as ever? Tell her that if you don't already.

thing is she's -not- a talker. like, at all. she's really reserved about her feelings in general and hides it with either humour or coldness. the only feeling she clearly expresses is anger since she's pretty hot blooded, but it usually passes as fast as it came. im hot blooded too but am more easily vocal about feelings stuff. i hate feeling there's misunderstandings or untold grudges for example. ive learned not to push her on that though cause it usually doesnt end well. the result is that we sometimes don't talk when i feel we should.

i have -kinda- expressed my concerns to her on that particular subject, and her answer was basically that she didnt feel sexy, that her libido was down and that it had nothing to do with me. basically the first part of your post. it's been a year and a half that i didnt feel she -wanted- me though, and like i said it's starting to take a bad toll on me, which in turn i feel is taking is taking a bad toll on us. the whole me going alternatively super horny then trying to give her time, me over complimenting her and her growing less and less responsive to it, her still making up to me but in a non passionate way ... this has led to what is as of now a really unbalanced intimate relationship, and i can't help but feel that these papers saying that women lose interest in men that are too accessible and attentionate are at least partly true.

then again, as always, i believe truth lies in the middle. i'll try taking the middle road of not acting as desperate for sex and affection, while trying to change the routine here and there. if it at least restores my confidence, that'll already be that. i hate being that guy.

>>16552283
also, may i ask how's your current situation now and how long ago was your last pregnancy ?

>>16550432
I had no idea how exhausting taking care of kids was until my wife had some medical issues and I stayed home with them. I was ready to pull her out of the hospital and give the kiddos pack to her.

Look... you're getting something so that's good. You'll have to concentrate on her, get her mind into it so that when you want sex she'll remember how great it can be.

>>16552479
>thing is she's -not- a talker. like, at all. she's really reserved about her feelings in general and hides it with either humour or coldness. the only feeling she clearly expresses is anger since she's pretty hot blooded, but it usually passes as fast as it came.
Hmmm, yeah, in that case it would be challenging to talk it out. If you say you feel you should talk more, then it's probably true - it's just not going to go so smoothly with someone who isn't very receptive to the idea.

You could always lead the convo in that direction - "listen, I know you say you don't feel sexy, but I think you are, is there anything that could help you feel that way again?" and then maybe offer her time alone to work out? A spa day? Something? It's hard for me to give suggestions because I can talk things out easily (esp. when my husband is the one to initiate the convo).

>>16552501
The baby's six months. I lost some weight and started feeling better about my body, and so my libido improved too.

When she was a newborn I was taking online courses and staying at home a lot and felt pretty trapped. Now I have class on campus twice a week, I take her to the library weekly and I like to make time to meet with friends and all that helps me feel more like "myself" and not "baby raising machine" - and when I feel good I'm definitely more likely to be down for sexy times.

Now our issue ended up being somewhat the opposite - my husband's really busy right now because he's finishing up his degree and it's hard to find time when he's not doing homework and the baby is asleep at the same time. But, it's a huge improvement.

I haven't had sex with my husband for 2.5 years, our son is 2.
We is depressed and isn't a talker and I got PND. So neither of us bothered trying to have sex with the other one. Now it's 2.5 years down the line. I'm not bothered the majority of the time, if he initiated I probably would but I'm too tired to bother really.
He said to me during my pregnancy that he will have sex whenever I want to so just let him know. That's the biggest turn off ever.