>>16539871

You should have kept those feelings about the other girl to yourself. If you didn't act on them, it's no different than getting a boner for a chick you see in passing - nothing happened, no issue.

Since you threw yourself under the bus, though, you may as well have cheated. If you prefer less cynicism, I would just tell her exactly the above analogy and confirm your feelings for her before re-stating your commitment to the relationship.

You've told her about this other girl and catching feelings, yes? From her POV, how does she know that you haven't done anything with the other girl? You did the right thing by being faithful and not cheating, but the trust is gone in your relationship, and I don't know how you could salvage it.

I'll try to clarify the circumstance / justify the decision about talking about it to my gf a bit more.

I had been absolutely on friends only basis with the other girl until at a party which we attended together at our uni a guy came to ask me about 20 times if we were together with the girl and whether he could try to make a move.

At first I answered rather ambiguously taken off guard but he came to reconfirm like literally 20 times. It was killing me inside but I said no absolutely go ahead and even stepped out of my way to help the chap along a bit, why not make some friends by being a good chap to the br0?

Well the guy ended up kissing her very publicly and I was left in an utter mental mess. (They decided to just be friends the next weekend, whether or not because of me is up to debate, said girl does have strong feelings for me now though) . Initially I was just utterly shocked, I was supposed to be in a "perfect relationship" with a real soulmate so how could I be feeling so bad about "missing the opportunity with this girl".

I started feeling very guilty about my feelings until I had a good chat with one of my friends over skype and I came to the realization that I hadn't actually done anything wrong. Although to be honest I had set myself up in a rather stupid situation having had dinner etc. with said girl who lives in the same dorm. However we're also working _super intensely_ together foreseeable for the next 4 years. Due to this relationship I needed to sort out:

a) What I want to do in general options being i) stay with gf ii) split up iii) screw around
b) If I'm not acting on the new girl how do I maintain professional relations

At the same time I have to say our relationship was suffering from hardship due to the LDR, but maybe more about that in another post,.

>>16539930
>However we're also working _super intensely_ together foreseeable for the next 4 years
Yeah, I don't see your current relationship lasting for much longer. You might have resisted cheating for the time being, but it's only a matter of time before you slip. Just break up with your current girlfriend, you seem to have much stronger feelings for the other girl anyway.

>>16539930
So essentially what I decided after a long chat with a valued friend was that I definitely want to fight for my relationship but need to find ways to

a) improve how the LDR aspect was going to make me feel better in general (which would also help with part b)

b) find tools to work with things like temptations

I believe(d) that relationships need to be based on honesty. The only thing I ever asked in the beginning of our relationship was that if there are any issues I want to talk them over, sooner rather than later. At least now I still believe that trust needs to be built by being honest about things. I also expect to be able to talk about anything with the person that I want to be with in a committed relationship. Maybe I'm naive but it really does need to be someone that I can just be myself with and discuss any topic, even if it is difficult.

I also admit that part of it might have subconsciously been about trying to encourage the both of us to work harder on the relationship. I feel as the gf had not / is not giving the relationship all the priority it needs. But only by a tad and it's really tough as I know she wants to be with me and tries but I don't think she realizes how tough a situation it is to be in a country without knowing hardly anyone.

>>16539939

Even running at the risk of getting identified, I'm a classical musician and so are both girls. Working in the profession requires extreme bonding especially in things like chamber music.

It's also a question of where I see myself in 6 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years. My gf is the one I'd see myself with, but you never know where (and if) you'll end up getting work. We have an uncertain profession, one of it's curses.

>>16539985
That doesn't change anything I just said

>>16539991

> you seem to have much stronger feelings for the other girl anyway.

I only have a problem with this part. Thank you for clearing it up for me though.

I'm very bloody unfortunately aware of the 4 year fact. However, on the other hand due to the occupation it would be the same uncertainty with any other girl (especially or doubly so if they're also musicians)

>>16540000
>I only have a problem with this part.
I'm just going by what you've said. It really does come off as if you like the new girl more and are only staying with your current girlfriend and not cheating because it's 'the right thing to do'

>>16540017

Didn't mean to be aggressive, appreciate the input that's why I'm here. 5 AM in the morning and no-one else to bother despite having friends in god knows what time zones.

I'm fairly confident that I'm much more compatible with my current girlfriend. I consider myself a rather weird mind and she's one of the only people who usually in general instantaneously gets my jokes, views etc. I'm not very much into looks or that sort of thing, it's all about personality, but she's at least decently good looking (in my mind at least 4/5), sex is ok (I feel absolutely comfortable just bursting out laughing during the act if I find something funny), personality for me 5/5 (due to being so compatible) has a similar dark/horrible/black sense of humor and delicious taste for irony.

I think my flat mate nailed the situation: sometimes the right people just meet during the wrong point in life...

>>16540055
Well based on what you said about how you don't know what the future holds, I still think you're probably best breaking it off with your current girlfriend. Chances are you're going to want to cheat with this other girl, and the future is uncertain with either of the anyway. It's really not fair on your girlfriend to be pining for this other girl, and she doesn't trust you anyway, which is probably going to destroy your relationship sooner or later

Sad bump for any other views or thoughts?

Final bump