My boyfriend is sort of the original bad boy gone good. I met him in my mid twenties and he was almost 30 and had never had a girlfriend or opened up to anyone. He was barely working and living at home.
Now we have a child together and he is locked into a great career with a 5 year contract, good pay, benefits and hours and he takes care of the family. He is there whenever I need him, even at his worse he never once ignored a phone call or text from me.
The issue, for a short period he was very abusive and he financially, emotionally, verbally and physically abused me. And his mom enabled it.
He wants to marry one day and always wants our relationship to be on a very intimate level. My family feels like he is a good man now and believe he really loves me and our kid.
He still has a bit of a temper but he has not been physically or financially abusive for years and he is usually incredibly supportive emotionally. He does, however, fall into patterns of verbal abuse when he is in a bad mood and the things he says hurt.
We live in a rural area and are having problems finding a couples therapist.
Any thoughts on what to do?
When was that short period of him being very abusive?
>>16538924
It was 3 years ago.
We moved out of state and got into a lot of trouble. He went to jail for stealing my keys and strangling me in front of a crowd at a gas station. About five cop cars were huddled up the street and a woman ran and got them and they took photos and took him to jail but I didn't press charges. Our neighbors called the cops on him twice in the next 3 months after that but he fled every time.
>>16538902
wtf does "financially abusive" mean?
>>16538968
It means he would dothings like sign a lease then not pay a dime, bully me for money, steal money from me, take my cards from my wallet and buy things.
But he paid me back most of
The money a few months ago and now handles all the finances so i forgive that
Leave him. That's totally innapropriate and unnormal. He choked you? He isn't a decent person on my watch.
I don't think it's possible to trust him after that kind of abuse.
>>16538978
Thats how i Feel often but now I am essentially a stay at home wife but he does all the cooking and my parents think its a good situation for me and the baby so I am not sure where I would go if I left anyway
>>16538978
Ps we arent married but my parents refer to
Him as my husband.
Protip from someone with experience on this: If you have the SLIGHTEST doubt about marriage - DO. NOT. MARRY. THAT. PERSON.
That little nagging voice telling you that it's not a good idea? Listen to it. It's the part of your mind that's raising a red warning flag and it should NOT be ignored.
You were stupid enough to reproduce with this guy, which means that for the next 18 years you're basically legally tied to him no matter what happens. (You idiot. Use a fucking condom next time. Cheaper than diapers.)
If this guy is already slapping you around and abusing you and you haven't FORCED him to stop, then it means that you are the mentally weak one in the relationship. You're a limp noodle who allows this jerk to wipe his feet on your face. Your child is going to grow up and watch this and think "This is how a relationship is SUPPOSED to be. Mom's are supposed to be doormats to their husband."
Think about that the next time hubby treats you like shit and you're too meek and afraid to do anything about it. You're letting this happen and you have no one else to blame but yourself for your lack of courage to demand better treatment.
Enjoy your predictable life.
>>16539001
This.
>>16538978
I agree, that guy is a danger to you and your kid. If he would have hit you once years ago or whatever he would be an asshole not deserving you, but you could consider giving him a chance. But this sort of severe shit? Who guarantees you he is not gonna flip his switch if things ever don't run 100% smoothly in your lives?
If he is alright now, use that safety to become more independent. Increase your financial and physical security for a future in which he might threaten both. Once you have enough savings, leave for good.
Sounds like you care more about what your parents think than anything. Change that, leave douchebag, enjoy life without abuse?
>>16538993
You need to decide on your own. If you're worried about supporting yourself and the child, try to find a job, or move into your parents house?
>>16538975
why would you ever let your abusive boyfriend take control over the finances?
when he acts up again he can just kick you out because he has the power
he's a fucking shit, go back to your parents with your child
GET A JOB. Woman the fuck up and take control of your life instead of waiting for somebody to rescue you or tell you what to do.
I hAve a job starting in july good pay and benefits
But not until july all i can findthen is meager shit that would pay less than daycare
> that feeling when 4chan is the only sane place left
Also i have ever beendepedent on a man til now i paid for EVERYTHING until the baby came. But i have a gap in pay of about 8 months and my parents think i should stay.
Also;
Will be Ugly legal battle if i leave now
He had. DV record And drug problems but i never want to stand in court and call him on it and have him dig up my past or just act a fool and be contempt of court.
I tried staying with my mom for a week but the baby was miserable and he drove 4 hrs round trip to bring us home before he went to work with no abuse and no flak. I feel like he loves us deep down
To be honest, while the anons here have a point, don't be too impressionable. You know him best, so ulimately you decide whether or not he has truly changed. Alot of people are assuming he either hasn't changed, or that people can never truly change.
>>16539133
I think he has definitely changed a lot
But who can really know if that burning angry part of him will ever die
If it means anything I do think of him as my soul mate and about 3 months before i met him i was really drunk and high and a friend said "if you were to actually marry somone, what would they be like?" And i described him to the T
Honestly, if it were just you and him I'd say to wait around until he slips up and then you can leave. But now you have a child in the situation. Think of what's best for the child. If he loved you back then and still hit you what will stop him from doing it now? What stops him from beating the shit out of your kid when he's older and breaks daddy's expensive tv or window? You're responsible for the child's stability and safety now.
>>16539162
Well he stopped being physically abusive when we got a dog and I saw he cant hurt some things
>>16539172
That doesn't prove he wouldn't hurt your child. If back then he claimed to love you but hurt you, how's that any different if he does it now?
Does he have anger issues? Children break things and they get very annoying. Could he keep his cool? That's the real question.
Also he doesnt cheat so that means a lot
I went through a couple months of hekk but now im pretty much a princess desu
>>16539180
>boyfriend used to beat me
>But its cool
>cause he doesn't cheat
Wut
>>16538902
>patterns of verbal abuse
What kind of verbal abuse?
The simplest solution could be for you to brush it off. When people are in a bad mood, they are easily irritable. Almost everyone can say stupid things if they are really angry. The question is if he means is seriously. If he doesn't, just brush it off and return to it when he's calmed down. Never argue with emotions.
>>16539172
>hits wife and mother of child without flinching
>can't slap dog because "PUPPY!!! <3"
>wife making excuses for her abuser.
> 3/10
>>16539214
He calls me a fucking cunt bitch and things like that at a very loud volume
Troll/10
Or
Delusional Bitch/10
http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/mental-disorders/stockholm-syndrome1.htm
>>16539225
Pay no attention, 2 hours later when he calms down, call him out on his bs and tell him how it hurt you. If he loves you, a few sessions like this and he will realize what he does is not all right.
>>16539243
That sounds good.
Usually I respond Right away and that sort of inflames the situation
ITT: Help me justify staying in an abusive relationship.
>>16539254
You have to be the bigger person and take control. In situations like these the winner is always the one who can't be bothered and keeps being rational. The whole point of insults is to make the other emotional. Don't let him win!
It's like a child throwing a tantrum. If you always give attention, they learn that you can be emotionally blackmailed. If you don't, they learn that it doesn't work. As I said, never argue with emotions. First let the emotions calm down, then have a rational argument. Stonewall out any irrational insult and tantrum.
>>16539265
But i makes rap music sound so muchbbetter
OP confirmed for troll.
>>16538902
Abuse isn't something to tolerate. Leave.
I don't understand why it only struck you now. You've been with him for years after the incident, let him the time to change and now you just doubt all the effort he did ?
Yeah you should leave him because you don't deserve him.
>>16538902
>he was very abusive and he financially, emotionally, verbally and physically abused me.
You shouldn't be in this relationship, it's unhealthy to you and your kid. Femanon, you done fucked up. It doesn't matter if this was in the past, if he was any sort of this kind of history it's time to get the fuck out. Abort. ABORT!
