because coffee is actually tiny poops

>>16534531
makes sense

People react differently to caffeine. If you have to take a shit after drinking caffeine you should just stop taking caffeine.
I think I've read about caffeine making people shit themselves. If you are part of that tiny minority just don't use caffeine.

>>16534518
Omg this is a good thing, don't stop

Cereal, whole milk, coffee... Enjoi

1 word: enzymes. It helps you get those bad bacteria's out of your system by shitting all over the place. It's good for you

>>16534562
To expand on that there's some pretty interesting research data on the subject.
There's a minority of people who react strongly to caffeine, these people will have heart problems, shit their pants, will be unable to fall asleep etc.
Then there's the majority of people who can drink caffeine and the only effects they experience is a slightly faster heartbeat and they become less sleepy.
Then there's the 10% of people who are hyposensitive. I can drink caffeine whenever I want and it has no effect on me unless I drink a litre of some energy drink.

>>16534518

Because you have some type of sick twisted anal coffee fetish.

>>16534579
I can drink coffee at any time of the day and there's no effect. well maybe it makes me a bit more alert. but that first coffee in the morning makes me have epic shits. the type of shit that feels warm and just comes out like icecream out of the machine, and makes nice satisfactory sounds as if comes out the ass. sooo good. tummy feels nice and lighter after that

>>16534518
Coffee is a potent laxative.

>>16534562
>People react differently to caffeine
Clinical tests show decaff coffee actually has a stronger laxative effect than the regular kind - it's not the caffeine that causes it.

>>16534616
interesting!

it triggers peristalsis

>>16534658
but only in the morning?

Coffee prematurely makes you empty your bowels, which is really fucking bad for you and can actually lead to damage.

So laxative.

Coffee is a laxative and diuretic. (makes you poop AND pee)

>>16534693
even if i only drink that one morning cup? hmm i shall investigate.

>>16534588
Oddly specific but strangely accurate

>>16534965
we've all had shits like that :)

>>16535695

IBS sufferer here. Just got diagnosed and started treatment 3 months ago. Now I finally know those shits, and they are in fact magical

before it was just like shitting jalapeno milkshakes every time. Gassy, painful, and no warning

Oh, and to contribute to OP, I am also one of those who generally need to poop within 10 minutes of drinking caffeine, although I also only drink caffeine in the morning, so it might not be that weird since a lot of people poop first thing in the morning too

sometimes it does sometimes it doesn't

>>16535749
a fellow after-morning-coffee-pooper! salutations.

also, glad you're better :)