As pretentious as it sounds, I think I've been having an existential crisis for the last couple of years. It started when a close friend I was sleeping told me she had started seeing someone else, which effectively ruined our friendship. It was only when it was over that I realised she was the most important friend I had ever had, and all of my other friendships were meaningless in comparison. As you can tell I took it pretty hard and sank into a bit of a depression, so I began to isolate myself as I waited for the feeling to pass. It never did.
University ended, and I decided to take a year off to do something completely different. I signed up to volunteer for a few months in Africa. Everyone else I went with found it an incredible life-changing experience, but it didn't really mean anything to me. I spent the rest of the year travelling to the places I'd always wanted to go to, and I did enjoy it, but I grew more and more alone and decided that it was time for me to settle down and rebuild some meaningful relationships. I applied for, and got accepted on, a Master's course that is interesting and will lead to a well-paid and enjoyable career.
Now I'm here, I'm feeling pretty low again. All of my feelings are contradictions. I want my ex to be happy, but I also want her to go through the same pain as I did. I want to find a girlfriend, but the idea of being that close to someone repels me. I am both interested in and completely bored by my area of study and future career. I feel like I'm heading for a miserable life, and yet I don't know what change would make it better. The one and only thing in my life I'm looking forward to is spending this xmas with my family - after that I'll just carry on 'existing', because I feel like I've not really lived in so long.
If that last paragraph seems fucking stupid, it's because it is. Is there anyone who's felt a similar way before? Does anyone have any advice for me?
>>16514738
You'll be fine, you're just going through a bit of a trough. Enjoy Xmas, stop churning over your past and forge ahead with your life. If you're going through hell, keep going. It will pass.
>>16514738
Take your money and go on a long, long vacation somewhere. In fact, just start a new life for a while and see if it clicks. Leave all of your stuff behind. Don't bring anything but yourself, your money and the clothes on your back.
What you are speaking of is the fleeting spirit of memory. A nostalgia as simple as the smell of wet rain on a sunny day or the wafting trails of cigarette smoke. A longing for simpler times, a desire to retreat to the past, a wish that things would be better if you could have gone to that waypoint crux and chose the other road.
You are caught in a paradox of looking forward for something you left behind. It is as fruitless as an endeavor of a dog chasing its own tail. You fell into the trap of letting the world go by while you were too busy looking into the rear view mirror.
So what do you do?
In all honesty you can do whatever you want. Let your vengeance be your fuel, let your ambitions lead the way, let your mind learn new things.
Whatever you choose just know that your strength in this world is limited. Choose how to spend it wisely.
You can mourn and sulk and look back at simpler times, or you can get up and go find that "thing" that will fill the void. I can't tell you where to find it, but I can tell you you're not going to find it in the past.
Good luck
>>16514792
At what point does it stop being just a trough and start becoming my default setting? Most people would have loved to spend the last couple of years doing the things I did, and would like to be in my position now. I just don't get enjoyment from it anymore, and I can't see that changing soon.
>>16514799
There's a couple of problems with that. Firstly, I'm in lots of debt from university, and I only just about manage to support myself week-to-week by working a shitty part-time job. I don't have any money to spend on long vacations. And even if I did, that's how I spent most of last year. I loved travelling, but hated the fact that every new friend I made would be gone as soon as I moved on to the next place. There was just no permanency, and I got lonely. I'd love to move to a different country but that would be completely stupid career-wise, as I don't have any transferable qualifications or experience yet.
>>16514801
You're right that I'm affected by the past, but I don't think I'm looking into the past for my answers. I've let go of it, but looking to the future I find that nothing gives my life meaning. I don't know how to fill the void.
>>16514896
>>You're right that I'm affected by the past, but I don't think I'm looking into the past for my answers. I've let go of it, but looking to the future I find that nothing gives my life meaning. I don't know how to fill the void.
Don't be delusional. If you let go of your past then you wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place. No one can tell you where to find what you are looking for. I can only tell you how to find it.
And the only way to 100%, without a shadow of a doubt, find what you are looking for is to continue looking for it.
>>16514904
I dunno, I guess what I mean is I've let go of it as much as I know how to. I have asked her not to contact me again, and I've tried to meet new people, to take up new hobbies, and to live my life in a positive way. It's just hard to stay optimistic and motivated when I've not felt genuinely happy with my life for years.
>>16515182
What do you think would make you happy?
Once you've answered that, maybe you can go out and get it. If you think a woman will make you happy, then you are mistaken. And if you don't know what would make you happy, then that is even more of a reason to keep searching
>>16515196
I don't really know what would make me happy. Maybe it would be a woman. Not just for the sake of having one, but if I got to a place where I shared a genuine and intimate connection then I think I would feel happier, just so that I don't feel like I'm going through everything alone. I know it's not right to rely on someone else for your happiness, but I don't know how else it can be done. I can't find purpose anywhere else. This time last year I was working on a project which helped poverty-stricken Africans to find careers, potentially saving their lives. I'm now working towards a career where my job would literally be helping people to become happier (ironic, I know). If I can't find purpose in those sorts of things, then I don't know what I can find purpose in. The only time I came close was a few months ago when I worked with children for a while, and got to see their happy faces, hear their laughter, etc. It made me happy in a nostalgic sort of way, but also a bit sad because it reminded me I'll never be that blissfully ignorant again.
>>16515227
You just want a woman because you have none. If you really wanted a genuine connection then there is none stronger than the blood bond of brothers.
If you want a woman then go out and find one. But it won't be your ex who sets you free.
>>16514738
I take it you're not religious. Try reading some philosophy on the subject of the meaning of life.
